Moving abroad: The freedom to finally be yourself

Moving abroad — not always, but quite often — pushes a reset button on who you are back home. The further away you move, the truer this tends to be. For some people, this becomes almost a personal tragedy. They feel lost, lonely, and deeply nostalgic about their life back home. But others… Others seem to surprisingly thrive. Away from everything familiar and everyone they know, they finally seem to become themselves.

The freedom that comes with being a stranger

Let me tell you a story. When I first moved to China, I would take taxis a lot (they were cheap). And every time, taxi drivers would ask me pretty much the same set of questions: 

Where are you from?

How long have you been here?

Do you like China?

What do you do here?

They asked all the foreigners that. At first, I would tell them the truth. But over time, I started to "play" a different character whenever I got into the car. Sometimes I was from Italy, sometimes from the United States. Sometimes I was an English teacher, sometimes a writer, sometimes a traveler passing through. It was a fun game to play – and a very good way for me to practice Chinese. But it was also symbolic. It meant that here I could be anyone I wanted to be. Nobody knew me, and I was absolutely free.

The longer I stayed in China, the more this idea took shape. Whenever you met people, you knew that you could tell them as much or as little about yourself as you wanted – and they could do the same. Nobody knew who you were – and the questions people asked were genuine, without any preconceived ideas. 

The most liberating thing about moving abroad is that you don't really have to reinvent yourself. What usually happens is that you get to tell your story from scratch, and you learn who you are along the way. 

There is more than one way to live a life

"After I graduated, I didn't get into college on my first try. I had some money saved up, so I decided to go traveling, and I could only afford Southeast Asia. I went to the Philippines, then Thailand. To make some money, started teaching English to kids in a public school. Typical story, right? But I loved it. Back home, I was supposed to go into engineering, and that was a good choice for me. But I always felt like I had to do certain things… Had to get the grades, had to go to college, had to start saving up for a house. When I traveled, I realized there were so many different ways to live a life…", shares Dennis, a US expat in Thailand.

This is probably the first thing that you discover in a new country. You start noticing that things here are different. People have breakfast at different times — and their breakfast looks different too. They dress differently, speak a different language. Little by little, you start changing too. And it can stop here, with just a few adjustments to your everyday life. But it can also show you that there are many ways to live. And making the small initial changes makes it easier to move on to bigger ones. 

Another expat notes on Reddit: "48 years as an expat and I learned that opinions of others matter a lot because in every location, the viewpoint of locals changes, and I learned to listen and make up my mind using their opinions. And often change my mind again when I hear a different opinion in another location. I think I learned to change my mind and admit I might not have the best opinion. That doesn't mean I will bend when nonsense comes along. In the end, people everywhere want some basic things: food, health, shelter, safety, a good family, and happiness. But there are many different ways to achieve that."

Distance creates perspective

Change is often possible because distance creates perspective. It literally gives you the space to look back on life back home and see it from a different angle. You no longer see your home culture as the one and only truth. You see it as just one option.

For many expats, this becomes an eye-opening experience. The "normal" way of doing things no longer matters, because a lot of it was culture-specific. This doesn't always lead to someone completely rejecting their culture– but it often gives you the freedom to choose what you want to keep and what to let go of. 

I didn't realize how much of my anxiety actually came from where I lived. Back home, everyone is always rushing, optimizing, planning five years ahead, arguing about politics; every conversation becomes a debate… I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I couldn't keep up. But once I've changed locations, I've realized I was just in the wrong place, at least at this time in my life. Things are simpler here, not that people are lazy or anything. Things just feel a bit more human, happier. I feel like there is nothing wrong with me here."

Moving away to be yourself 

Sometimes, moving is the only way to be yourself, because the cultural or even legal norms in your home country simply don't line up with who you want to be.

The examples of this are many, but let's take one of the most obvious ones. Over 70% of the world does not legally recognize same-sex marriage. And in many more places, same-sex relationships receive no recognition at all and may even be criminalized. 

Anna, a 25-year-old expat from Russia, has recently relocated to Argentina, and she tells us about it: "I never had any plans to move. I liked my life fine. I had a great job, good apartment, friends, family. 90% of the time, my life was great. But I am gay, and I have a girlfriend. It's not illegal where I am from, but let's just say it's frowned upon. I could never really be myself in the way that I wanted. Moving was a very difficult decision. My first year abroad was very hard: little money, no real plan, no work, no friends. It all got reversed, and now 90% of my life, I actually didn't enjoy. But I got to be 100% myself, and I now think that sacrifice I made was worth it".

Failure is private

"I moved to China in my late 40s. Honestly, not much was happening back home. A buddy of mine was teaching there, so I thought I'd visit him and stay a month. I ended up staying longer and got a job. Then I met some other people and started getting into the local tech scene. Tried starting a few small businesses; most of them failed. And then I partnered up with a local factory, started making and selling camera accessories, and this worked. I am still doing this now. I never thought I'd own my own business, and back home I never had the courage or resources to try anything. I was afraid to fail; what would people say, you know… But then I moved away, and there was only one person there who knew me. There was more space to fail without consequences", says James, a UK expat in Shenzhen, China.

The very idea that no one is watching you can be very freeing. If you tried something, and it didn't work out, but you were the only one who was the witness to your non-success – would it really hurt or matter as much as having your family and friends watching? This is why the weight of failure may seem lighter abroad, and the less afraid you are, the more open you may be to trying. 

And sometimes what you need is independence. As one user on Reddit explains: "I moved first in my mid-20s and I'm in my 3rd country now at 37. All struggles aside, I think it's made me WAY more confident and self-sufficient. I used to rely a lot on my family's support, and obviously being overseas meant now I have to deal with things by myself. I'm not sure if this is all from being an expat or just the normal process of growing out of your mid-20s, though, but it's glorious to feel more confident and not care about people's possible criticism."

Weaknesses become strengths

Another reason some people may find life abroad easier than back home is right on the surface. Their skills and traits may simply be more in demand in a different country.

For example, English teaching was in high demand in Asia in the 2010s, and English teachers in Southeast Asia, particularly China, had access to many jobs and higher incomes. Actors and models with a "Western" look are also in demand in Southeast Asia, and as competition is low, opportunities are big. 

But there are less obvious examples of this too. In some cultures, qualities like assertiveness, leadership, and loud initiative are considered important. And if you want to get ahead in a lot of Western countries, like, for example, the United States, you often need to learn how to present yourself. But there are other cultures where professionalism is often associated with quieter confidence. In Sweden, Finland, or Japan, being observant, restrained, and thoughtful could be your biggest strengths.

William, who moved to China to teach back in 2011, tells us about it: "I had some debt from college, English major. I was looking for a way to pay it off quickly btu had a hard time finding a job back home. But then I looked into teaching abroad, got hired by a big training center in China and moved. I had so much work; sometimes I worked four or five jobs, lots of tutoring. I paid off my debts, made some money, and I've been here 15 years now. I never thought that my major would be my career, but I've been teaching since”.

A second birth doesn't mean the rejection of the first

The fact that you've moved abroad doesn't mean that you will fully let go of who you are back home, or that you would even want to. From what I've learned in talking to other expats and being an expat myself, a new country affects you deeply. Sometimes, it is a good fit; other times it's not. And it's really difficult to predict if moving will be that magic wand that solves all your problems. But it is a possibility that may be worth looking into.