Why making friends abroad can be difficult

At home, friendships often happen almost effortlessly. You meet people at school, university, work. There are neighbors, old family friends and their kids, lots of people you've known for years without actually having to purposefully "make friends" with them.

And then you relocate.

Suddenly, you have to create this infrastructure all over again. And this time, there is no base from where to start. And expat experiences here differ widely.

For one couple who relocated to Thailand over 14 years ago, building a social network is still an ongoing challenge. Here is what they shared on our Thailand forum: "We are a couple in our mid 70's and we have never been able to find friends in Thailand; we are going on 14 years now. We don't have anything in common with the average Thai person. We lived in the US before moving to Thailand. My wife is Thai, but we met in the US and have lived there together for 30 years. Most Thai people have families, and our children are grown, so we have nothing in common there. We don't drink much or smoke, and we avoid the bar scene. We live in a Thai area, so we don't have much contact with foreigners, but we had a place in Cha Am for 5 years and only saw Russians and Indian people; most Europeans live in a gated community and stay with their own kind. We are going to try one last time with InterNations in Bangkok to see if we can meet some couples our age. We have a great many friends back in Northern California but haven't seen them since 2019. We don't feel like it's safe there any longer. So we meet our friends in other countries, and the ones who can no longer travel, we make video calls to them. Thailand is our home now."

Another expat has almost the opposite experience in Morocco:

"My husband and I have been here in Agadir for 12 years now. When you feel at home somewhere, time passes quickly. When we first arrived, we were welcomed by French expats who were already living in Agadir. They explained what life was like here and told us about the kindness of the Moroccan people. We made the decision to settle here very quickly.

We really fell in love with Agadir—the sunshine, the almost constant temperatures throughout the year, and not having to use heating. Above all, we were struck by the kindness of the Moroccan people. The fact that French is widely spoken was another big advantage. Since then, we've also learned to communicate a little in Darija and Amazigh. We're not fluent, but we know the basics. We've never had any problems with local people. Quite the opposite—they are helpful and kind to us. We belong to two French associations, UFE and FDM, and over the years we've watched many expats come and go. We've formed some wonderful friendships with them along the way. Expat communities are an essential part of our life here, particularly because they provide social connections. They're also there to help and support us as we navigate life outside our country of origin. In the end, we actually have more friends here in Morocco now—French, Moroccan, Belgian, Swiss and others."

So, what makes the experiences in building a network abroad so different? Is it about the destination? Language barrier? The expat's age? Life goals? Personality?

Or, is it all just random?

Making friends may take much longer than you thought

Many testimonies on our forums challenge the idea that friendly locals automatically become local friends.

For example, a Swiss expat living in rural Portugal mentions that even though he lives among neighbors who greet each other, exchange groceries, and often offer help – most relationships haven't crossed the line from friendly contact into friendship, even after eight years. "I've been living in Portugal for a little over eight years now, in a rural area. What I've noticed is that Portuguese people are certainly “nice”—in the sense that they are happy to say hello. One of our neighbors waves to us from a distance (we don't have any immediate neighbors because our house is surrounded by fields), and when they're in season, he gives us a bag of lemons that he grows himself. It took us eight years to exchange phone numbers, and that only happened after a storm, just in case either of us ever had a problem. But that's as far as the relationship goes: he has never been inside our home, and we've never been inside theirs. I have one neighbor whom I occasionally visit for coffee. She's lovely and incredibly generous. She tells me all the village gossip and calls me if there's some kind of outage to ask whether we need anything. But again, that's as far as it goes. When we used to walk our dogs through the village, some residents would stop and talk to us and were very friendly, while others would turn their heads away. Warm is something different. There is still a considerable distance. In fact, practically every house has a wall around it. People live behind those walls, in their own private world, and I think that says something. So, contact—yes. Friendship—no."

This experience emphasizes the idea that there is still a considerable gap between being friendly and being friends. You may often find yourselves in environments where people around you are very friendly and sociable. This makes integration seem almost within immediate reach. But then you notice that the relationship doesn't really move further. It's like there is an invisible line, a boundary that may take many more years to conquer.

In this case, it may be useful to shift focus from friendship to exposure and the progression of a relationship. Repeated small contacts that refuse to become a friendship may seem unsatisfying – but becoming a familiar face is a strong foundation on which deeper relationships may eventually build.

Language is important – but don't wait for perfection

Some expats in our Portugal forum believe that their lack of fluency and cultural knowledge are the reasons for slow integration.

Other take the language barrier a bit more lightly: "I've been living in central Portugal for two years now, after spending five years in the Algar ve, and it's a completely different way of life. Here, the locals welcome you with open arms, especially if you make the effort to learn Portuguese. They're also very forgiving when you end up speaking a mixture of Portuguese, French and English. Of course, you'll often find someone who speaks French too, which can make everyday things like shopping much easier. For example, at Auchan in Alvaiázere, there are two employees who speak French very well, including the woman at the butcher's counter, and that's really helpful. She also has fun learning the French names for the different types and cuts of meat. I'm also taking Portuguese lessons with a young woman who works remotely not far from my home for a French insurance company. She's perfectly bilingual.

And then there are the funny moments. One day, I had parked my French car—with its French license plate—in front of a shop and was sitting inside waiting for my wife. An older man saw me and asked me in French, “Ça va bien?” (“Are you doing well?”) I replied yes and then added, “Don't you say como está?” We both burst out laughing. That's life in central Portugal."

Friendships come easier when they are built on something you repeatedly do

An expat in our Thailand forum shares that the bulk of his friendships in the country have come from his pickleball club. "The only friendships I've been able to make in the kingdom have been through the Pickleball Club. That sort of makes it easy to be with people in a common interest and it's inherently a social game. Even when it rains, there are indoor courts. If you have an interest, you can find others with a similar interest and make it social."

A shared interest is often a natural and less stressful way to meet like-minded people repeatedly and socialize. Simply "looking for friends" is often too broad of a strategy after a certain age. And recurring activities provide a more solid base for forming new connections.

Find your “bridge person”

Another common theme repeats itself in the expat experiences shared on our destination forums. And that is finding a "bridge person".

One couple in Portugal met a Portuguese woman who introduced them to other locals and expats. They eventually became part of a 14-person mixed social group.

In Morocco, another expat says that being married to a Moroccan local made the integration smooth and natural through trusted local connections.

An expat in the Philippines offers another example: they met one person in the condominium who introduced them to others – eventually leading to a regular weekly coffee gathering.

Don't focus on only having local friends

We often see deeper integration and extensive local social circles as the symbols of successful integration. Expats are often advised to beware of the "expat bubbles" and getting stuck within expat communities, outside of the real world.

But life is rarely that simple. And friendships happen because of closeness and common interests rather than nationality.

With that said, some expats deliberately avoid expat enclaves because they believe this will hinder their ability to engage with local people.

As one expat on our France forum shares: "We do not actively seek out fellow expats as it seems to us, if you live somewhere you need to make friends with the locals, not necessarily people of your own nationality or background. We specifically have avoided English 'Ghettos' for these reasons. Making friends in our new village was not easy, but why should French families that have been living here for years or even generations have to make the effort to get to know you when YOU are the interlopers? We did make the necessary effort and went out of our way to (gently) become friends and good neighbors in our new location. Fluency in the language is important, but being quietly present but not intrusive is, we found, equally important. It seems to have worked, and now we share garden tools, invite and are invited to neighborhood social functions and, in emergencies, are there to help and be helped. So, so far so good!"

But some expats believe that expatriate communities are practically indispensable abroad. An expat in Morocco notes: "Expat communities are absolutely essential to our way of life, particularly because they provide an important source of social connection. They are also there to support and help us as we navigate life outside our country of origin. In the end, we now have more friends here in Morocco than we did before—French, Moroccan, Belgian, Swiss and others."

Neither approach needs to be wrong. It makes sense that different strategies work for different people. What we are trying to emphasize is that pushing yourself (artificially) to just one group may be counter productive.

Watch out for relationships that are based solely on your "foreigner" status

One expat in our Philippines forum writes: "The one thing to be careful of: some people see you as a foreigner and assume you have plenty of money. They will invite you out, but then expect you to pay for everything. Not everyone is like that though! Many people have very little, yet will go out of their way just to be close to you and get to know you. You just learn to tell the difference."

Another expat, this time on our Thailand forum, describes being treated as "the family's ATM machine” and resenting continually being expected to pay: "My wife has a large Thai family, but they all are busy with their families, and we are never invited. Only when they have a family's function maybe every 2-3 months. I resent the fact that we are never included in family activities because everyone visited us in California and we took them everywhere, rented vans took them to Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Arizona, Los Angeles, baseball games, all over San Francisco, and the wine country, Carmel, Big Sur, and more, and we paid for everything. We still pay every time we get together for lunch or dinner. We are the family's ATM machine. And the family is much wealthier than we are; they all own property throughout Thailand. I would say we are just not lucky."

These experiences definitely shouldn't become the way to view most local friendships. Instead, they can be used as a base to form the boundaries that you feel comfortable with.

Friendships can be temporary – and that's okay

This is one of the saddest and yet common peculiarities of expat life.

Visas expire. People move away. Eventually, you may decide to move away too

This is probably something to keep in mind when making these friendships.

One Philippines-based expat describes approaching these relationships with gratitude rather than trying to make every friendship last. He talks about the importance of appreciating the time during which people happen to share one another's lives.

A temporary friendship isn't in any way a failed friendship. The value of the relationship isn't determined solely by how long it lasted – but rather by what you experienced and the memories you made when being friends.

How old you are and what you do can affect the friendship equation

The stage of life you are in will definitely affect your ability to make new friends abroad. If you are retired, for instance, you won't be making friends at work. It's the same if you work remotely. Parents have access to the social network at their children's schools. Students arrive into ready-made social environments. Then again, a trailing spouse will be relocating without any independent social network at all.

We shared a testimony from an expat couple in their 70s in Thailand who shared that they have not had any luck finding friends because they had little in common with most people around them. And this can definitely happen.

There are circumstances outside of our reach that may dictate how we make friends abroad (or don't). In this case, we may either accept that this is the stage of our lives where we may no longer be as active socially as we used to be or create new environments to socialize: network, join clubs, pick up a sport, etc.

Your friendships will probably look different

One person may move abroad and find more friends than ever. Another may have great friendly neighbors – but few people they would actually call friends. Someone may base their entire social network on the sports club they join. Another may be lucky enough to meet that one person who will unlock a whole community.

There is no one standard friend-making strategy. But what comes through in a lot of expat experiences is that you have to become much more intentional about building your social circle.

Most expats agreed that trying to recreate the social life you had back home is a losing game. But you could build a social life that makes sense for you and the place where you are. And the fact that it may look different doesn't make it any less real.