Living abroad makes birthdays feel a bit strange sometimes, especially when you're far from family and close friends. One of my first birthdays alone abroad, I got myself a ticket to an empty hotel beach and spent the day sitting alone under the sun, wondering if that was the weirdest and saddest way to spend a birthday. But as I started writing this article, I've realized that doing randomly unconventional things for your birthday abroad is actually not that random, and quite common.
In addition to the obvious changes like being in a new country, a new culture, and among new people, the devil is also in every single detail here.
You probably won't be able to find the same birthday cake you always get. If you are used to friends and family calling you in the morning, the time difference may get in the way of that. Birthdays may not be a big deal in your new destination. Or, the opposite of that, maybe you will have to attend a surprise party in your honor at the office that will catch you completely off guard.
Unlike country-specific region-specific holidays like Christmas, a birthday is a very personal holiday. You will not find any groups online celebrating it nor pre-organized events to join. No matter how many expat groups you may be a part of, your birthday will most likely be your own project. How you spend it is now entirely up to you. And while this can feel lonely and unusual, it can also be pleasantly liberating.
Amir, a Moroccan expat in China, shares his experience: "I come from a big family, I have three sisters and two brothers. Birthdays back home are very loud; everyone comes over and brings my nephews along. I love my family, and that we stay close, but after I moved away, for the first time, I could just go on a trip alone for my birthday, no cooking, no guests."
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What about loneliness
For some people, the hardest thing about celebrating a birthday abroad is actually not about dealing with the unfamiliar – it is about not having loved ones around. For most of us, there is only a small group of close people who care about our birthdays as much as we do – and, possibly, more. Not having these people around can be very stressful, and the feeling of loneliness will start to creep in.
A lot of expats swear by having family and friend groups on WhatsApp or another platform. This way, family members get frequent updates about your daily life abroad, and you know what is happening in theirs. And when the birthday wishes come in, they do not feel distant. This quiet, everyday exchange will build to a natural culmination, with loved ones cheering you on in your goals, sharing your challenges, and expressing their support.
Others don't really find digital tools helpful when it comes to physical distance. For some, birthday wishes from home can even intensify the feeling of loneliness. They are a reminder of how that day would have gone back home.
When it comes to this, therapists often encourage people not to place unrealistic emotional pressure on holidays – especially when spending them alone. Social media can make it seem that birthdays are about large gatherings, cakes, surprises, and non-stop celebration. Research published by the American Psychological Association confirms that loneliness is often intensified by comparison.
The best strategy here could be trying to avoid comparing and treating your birthday abroad as an entirely independent event. Loneliness can be unavoidable – but it doesn't have to be a "bad" feeling. It's a perfectly natural one. All it shows is that you have people you feel close to and you wish they were next to you on important dates — and this is definitely a good thing.
The many different ways to celebrate (or not) a birthday abroad
Doing research for this article has shown me that there are two big camps when it comes to birthday celebrations abroad.
The first camp doesn't celebrate birthdays at all, treating them like any other normal day. Some have been like this all along, others have developed this approach after relocation to make things easier.
As one expat sums it up on Reddit: "I just don't celebrate it. Every week, I have more than enough social events with other expats, locals, meetup groups, etc. In addition, I only celebrate things that are actual achievements."
And another one notes: "I don't celebrate my birthday anymore and just treat myself to what I want when it's available."
The second camp celebrates by doing random things without much prior planning.
"I was feeling pretty lonely, and out of boredom, I looked up what events were happening around me. And there was a Mexican expat party a few blocks away… so I went. Almost nobody there spoke English, but because I wasn't really aiming to socialize, I had a good time, met some nice people, and it was really low stress. On my next birthday, I found a Russian expat party, also a total accident. So I went again. Funny enough, that's where I met my wife. Since then, it has become sort of a tradition, I go to an event that's just there on my birthday", shares Sofiane, an Algerian expat in China.
A user on Reddit describes his birthdays abroad as taking the good with the bad: "My 21st, I had a 13-hour train ride. My 22nd was celebrating with a bunch of awesome people on the beach in Mexico. Take the bad to be able to have the good."
And for quite a few expats birthdays abroad seem to bring about a mixed range of feelings: "My last birthday I spent in Lima. It was only about three days after I arrived. My Airbnb host went out with me to a nice restaurant he recommended. The dinner was delicious but a bit awkward since we didn't know each other. And yes, there were some melancholy points during the day when I was wondering what my life was - I get to travel to new amazing places, but I'm alone for my birthday. It was both good and difficult. Mixed emotions all around."
Sure, there are also those who plan their birthdays, organize parties or travel-outs or even celebrate online with friends and family back home. But from what I've discovered, this is more common with newly-arrived expats or within one or two years of life abroad.
"When I first moved to Thailand, my first birthday I planned a huge party. Had some new people I met come over, colleagues, friends – Skyped in my family from London. It was great, I still remember it. But overtime, things just changed. I stopped looking at myself and my birthdays as a big deal. Now I'd rather just do something quiet and lowkey with close friends or by myself", says Teo, a British expat in Thailand.
Francesca, an Italian expat in Mauritius, adds: "I have always considered my birthday an important day, both when I was living in Italy and since I have been living abroad. I have never organised big parties; what matters most to me is spending the day in the most enjoyable way possible. When I am in Italy, I usually celebrate my birthday at home with my family and a few friends. There is also a small tradition that means a lot to me: my father always brings a mille-feuille for everyone to share. When I am in Mauritius, on the other hand, I often go for dinner at an Italian restaurant near my home. It is a way of celebrating myself while reconnecting with flavours and an atmosphere that remind me of Italy, often over a good pizza. What makes it even more special is that my birthday falls in July. In Italy, it is the height of summer, while in Mauritius, it is winter. Depending on which country I am in, I sometimes experience the same day in two completely opposite seasons. That is probably the difference I feel most strongly since living abroad."
Celebrating your birthday away from family and friends
How to plan for a birthday abroad
From what I've learned and experienced myself, a birthday abroad can quickly become a sad affair if you try too hard to recreate exactly what you used to have back home. If you try to find or make that same cake, follow the same traditions, wait for your friends and family to call with Happy Birthday wishes, you may be setting yourself up for failure. It's not that it's impossible to make all of that happen – it's that it will still feel different now.
As much as social media, international e-commerce stores, and VPNs have helped us "tame" distance, it is still there both physically and emotionally. And it will be more noticeable than ever on days that make you think of home.
So, as with almost everything after relocation, one of the best adaptation strategies here could be simply letting go of most, or even all, expectations.
Your birthday abroad could be a clean slate
You now have all the freedom to design this day exactly as you want with no family, friends or tradition-related obligations. You can treat yourself to a quiet spa day, go hiking, binge watch a series, spend the entire day eating cake or playing video games.
If you prefer to have a ritual to rely on, why not create a new one?
There is nothing in the way that could limit your creativity. You could look into how birthdays are celebrated in your new location and mix and match a few traditions for something entirely unique and custom-made for you.
With no expectations from anyone, you can just do nothing. There is actually no need to add any extra pressure to your relocation experience. If you feel that planning a birthday abroad could eat away at your peace of mind, why not take a break, at least for a year? This can give you some time to actually think about what you want your birthday to look like in the years to come and make a plan that will be based on actual personal insights.
Look into workplace birthday culture
If you are working in a foreign or international workplace, this is an important step. How does your new company celebrate birthdays – or does it? This is something you may want to find out upfront, as quite a few expats have been taken by surprise by birthday traditions in the workplace.
Jen, a Ukrainian expat in Japan, tells us about it: "On my first office birthday in Japan, I brought in a cake and some chocolate from home. I started to realize something was off when I was setting it all up at the reception table, and people were looking at me strangely. Then the office manager asked what I was doing, and my explanation about having a small office birthday party was just met with more surprised looks. It worked out in the end, but I did have to have a small chat with the boss, and the whole idea was very awkward.”
Office birthday celebrations are not a universal thing. And even if your company does celebrate employee birthdays, it may not be quite the same celebration as what you had in mind. And allow me to share another personal anecdote here.
One day, when I came in to work in China, I was told that I would be going out for lunch with a group of coworkers. Nobody really told me what this was about, and my Chinese back then was too limited to ask for details. I went out for lunch with my colleagues, most of whom didn't speak English. We had a great lunch in a much nicer place than most of us would normally go to, and then the staff brought out a cake singing "Shēngrì kuàilè" (Happy Birthday in Chinese). I assumed it was someone's birthday and joined in before I realized everyone was looking at me. It turned out that I used the wrong month-date format in my employee information card, and everyone thought it was my birthday – this was the reason for the lunch. But as embarrassing as it was in the moment, it is one of the “birthdays” I really remember.
At the end of the day, birthdays can be entirely what you want them to be. It can be a big deal if you want to, or a day like any other. All the cards are in your hands. But even if things don't go as you have imagined, take a moment to appreciate it as a memory. You never know when you might start to appreciate it.
Natallia holds a degree BA (Honours) in English Language and Simultaneous Interpreting and worked as a writer and editor for various publications and media channels in China for ten years.
