A day in the life ......

What a  month, and it's not even half way done yet.

It all started with my contract ending and the new boss deciding he didn't think my contribution was especially important so no renewal, that meaning i"m now a lazy, unemployed person. I may have to stick some old clothes on and hang around at traffic lights with a knackered guitar and sing. I don't expect to earn any money from that but my Youtube channel will go viral as I film all the red light jumpers crashing as they try to get away from my singing voice. I'll soon double my 22 followers with that and make a sack of untraceable cash from Youtube.

I finally sold my old house, the one I was getting seriously trolled about a few years ago so lied in a really subtle way about already having sold it, then backed that lie up with another lie about someone asking me to sell their house as I was considered an expert agent as I'd already sold mine. That web of lies was pure fiction, and I enjoyed it.

I'm bored silly because I'm unemployed, that being the only reason I'm going to look for a new job - but Ill start looking next month because I have some holidays to get out of the way first. I feel a little break on tropical beaches wouldn't be a bad thing so I'm going to take a little break on a tropical beach.

I got a call from my bank manager asking me to take a wander into the branch - something about a VIP whatever because I have a sack of cash floating around. No idea what they want and I don't much care so I told them I's pop in on Monday and do whatever they fancied. This is also a lie as I have absolutely no intention of turning up.

I've been shopping quite a few times this month and I'm trying to go cashless. I've found this is mostly possible but you need some cash for places that have no cashless payment options, places where their cashless options don't work, and places with staff that have no clue how to make cashless options work. One of the main advantages is no low value coins in loose change that I leave on the shop counter because I don't want them in my pockets.

I'm looking around at what sort of car I fancy. I intend to change mine as it gets to five years old so I'm starting the hunt. Nothing battery powered looks any good to me as they simply won't do what I want so it's petrol again.
I need something:

Big enough for the family to sleep in on long runs (I tend to stay away when I'm driving, but they like a kip)

Not too big an engine, but not too small - 1500cc is about right

Not too expensive so my youngest doesn't pick up swear words. I tend to use really bad words a lot less if an idiot on a motorbike scratches a 200 million Rupiah car than I would if they scratch a 1 billion job. Add I see cars as boxes on wheels rather than sex objects or penis extensions, and cheap but functional thing suits me best.

Just been shopping, but on foot because traffic is is cracked a an old jug at this time of day and parking is near impossible. I usually go at 9 on weekday mornings so I don't have the hassle, but I needed to do a couple of things smartish.
However, things done I felt esurient so I dropped in to a Kebab shop known for nice kebabs. I even sent a pic of the menu to my daughter and bought her preferred one to take home as any good daddy should.
The last bite was followed by my last wet wipe to clean the melted cheese away from my phone so I could type this rubbish.

I had to go to an ATM and the nearest is at the bank so I went there and security dragged me in because they knew the woman wanted me for whatever. Seems I'm a priority customer and will get free meals in VIP lounges at airports and other stuff.
Frankly, I usually just grab a bento pot at KFC as it's quick and easy. I'm unsure I'll much bother with meals in lounges as I prefer a light snack before flying.
Ho hum, much as I'm supposed to be a VIP whatever it is, I'm just a Yorkshireman at heart.

I've just been hunting through old hard drives, finding a load of stuff I'd almost forgotten about, amongst them my secret recordings of my first run in with a corrupt immigration officer.
When I finally confirmed he was a thieving little git (hard work in those days) I confronted him and he denied everything ...... so I played him the tape just as his boss was walking past.
Odd as it is, he moved offices the following week for some reason and the next KITAS was done at lightning speed.
I'll keep them, just in case I ever have need.

Other than that, I wandered off to a local Cinema 21, a very pleasant place and, just as a treat, I bought a Premier screen ticket (If you're going to do it, do it in style). Their Premier rooms are excellent, and complete with waitress service - I strongly recommend trying them. Rambo last blood was on the menu, as was very runny bombe glacée with no glacée and no E on the bombe, but lots of bits of slightly exploded people all over the walls. I hope he pays the maid overtime for cleaning that lot.  The walls all ended up painted brain red and grey, and a few people really freaked out, a couple losing their heads completely, the first of them ended up in bed ... well, almost all of him. The sheets were ruined.
The first 1 hour 20 were  tad slow but it got warmed up pretty quickly after that.
Did Rambo die?  Go watch it and find out.

PS - anyone scared of blood and/or mindless violence should avoid this film.

PPS - Anyone who loves blood, gore, extreme gratuitous violence, and seeing people get killed in creative ways should watch it.

I woke up feeling alive for the first time this month. I've had a lousy cold that just wouldn't go away, and so has the rest of the family but I woke up with a spring in my step this morning - handy as my wife managed to break the kitchen sink tab so I had an extra job to get on with. I went to school with my youngest as it never hurts to go with him on occasion, and there are a lot of DIY shops just up the road.
I bought all the stuff then walked to the bank so I could pop some papers in my safety deposit box, then walked home. I get within a hundred yards of the house when one of the regular bacak drivers collared me, explaining how he hadn't taken any money yet that day, so I allowed him to con me into a 10 thousand Rupiah ride home.
Home saw me do not much until I drained all the water out of the tank so I could replace the kitchen tap without flooding the place. Digging the broken bit out was a serious game but I managed after much hard work, a lot of sweat, and many very naughty words. The latter were as gratuitous as Rambo violence but I enjoyed them anyway.
Tap fixed but it's my wife and daughter's turn for the cinema so I'll take them down and look after Charlie until their film is over. They're going to watch "It", a film I have less interest in than I do in Boris Johnson's skid marked underwear so I won't watch that one.

One thing I get a bit pissed off at is strangers in malls asking me for free English lessons. Happened again yesterday, my kid started playing with another kids, all good stuff, then daddy came up with the line.
Excuses and sodding off time.

Packing ... and giving my wife sacks of cash - I don't like the second bit.

She's allowing me to meet a mate and go for a few days break with him but there are restrictions:

No sex with the gentlemen I'm meeting, or even any ladies
I give her as much money as the trip costs so she can go shopping in new, epic ways whilst I'm away.

The packing is, if I manage, going to be very light, that meaning one small backpack and a couple of phones, maybe with a HDMI adapter, microphone, tripod, selfie stick, and a few other essentials. I won't take my Smsng watch as the charger was designed by an idiot.

A think a spare pair of shorts and 2 T shirts per day should be enough. It's less than a week so I don't suppose I'll need a change of socks or underwear. That will also stop me trying to pull any women except ones with really bad colds or serious nose injuries.

Also .. I wanted to change my number as I'm now lazy and unemployed but Telkomsel gave me a little surprise. Seems all their new card are now 'really useless to me'  packages only, a 3 gb package being mostly not 3 gb, what is being mostly local, and the rest (500mb) being for the rest of Indonesia.
Call be an old fussy bugger but I would rather like the 3 gb I want to buy, not some movie package I don't give a flying fig about and then find out the rest is unusable so I have to buy more.
However, in their infinite kindness, I can buy a card that actually allows me to use the data I buy, but it has to be way too much and bundled with a calling and SMS plan I will never use.
I tossed the waste of time card in the bin, then exited the shop.

The upshot is, if you buy a package in one bit of the country, you only get to use a little bit of it of what you buy if you shoot off somewhere for work or a holiday.

To be fair, they have a card called Halo that actually lets you have all the data you buy to use as you want to use it and, if you're a high user, Rp100,000/month isn't at all bad.

Just got back from Bali, a place I will never go near again unless it's a work thing, waiting for someone in a Maxx corner, but they have jungle bell rock playing - my coffee is ruined

My first and last trip to Bali is over save the final train journey home.
Since I don't drink, being ripped off is something short of a pleasure, dislike vomit inspiring offers for 'lady lady' and 'young girl', and hate drug dealers, I won't be returning.
The word, "Transport" is now my least favourite item of vocabulary, that being shouted at me a lot more times than I care to remember.

Before Roy beats me up, most of that disgusting rubbish was in Kuta but the more local style tourist beaches suffer as well.
I didn't make it as far as Ubud so I can't comment but I gather Roy is quite keen on the place.

Nah, I'm not going to beat you up, and for the simple reason that you're right about Kuta...and in fact, most of the places "down south." 

If you change your mind about Bali, get the heck out of the south and come north to the "real" Bali.   

Cheers amigo!

I only had a few days so no hope of getting up north. I was hoping to go right over to the Java side but time proved to be an issue.
I've been to idiot tourist infested places before but I was truly shocked at the utter filth that goes on in Kuta, even being offered weed from street dealers that pulled a little packet from their pockets and asked for Rp900,000.

Gosh, I'm a VIP at the bank complete with card and all sorts of perks like not queuing up in branches and free lunches in airport lounges. Other than that, I got offered a couple of jobs again but I'm unsure if I'll bother.

An interesting day (most of which was interesting for me but boring for you so I won't go into it, finishing with sweet tunes at a volume level most doctors would warn me about

https://youtu.be/X_IWlPHMziU

Been to vote, got a blue pinky and, as very few bule were voting, just the one exceptionally handsome one, the press got interested and interviewed me. Seems I'm a celeb

These lazy months are taking their toll on me as I'm bored stiff and looking for anything to occupy my time, maybe even as far as doing a proper job.
I've decided to apply for a few but I may go into male prostitution as I'm an import so can demand a high price.
We're thinking about buying some land and building on it so that's going to be a nice project. I've found a nice 200m2 plot but I only want 100 so I think I'll wall that off and sell the rest.
No rush to dump it as I have the land at well below market value for the area so should turn a little profit

As is normal for someone considering buying a house, I'm having to talk to estate agents, a task I find far less appealing that hitting my toes with a large hammer.
The first kept taking me to properties outside my specifications but refused to take me to the place I wanted to see. I turned my back and walked away but he followed me on his motorbike, all the time pestering and telling me about other properties he would take me to. I warned him off twice but he chose to carry on so, much as he was getting me to the point he would have urgent need of a top quality proctologist to retrieve his motorbike, I just gave him my best Paddington bear stare in the hope it would get rid. He took the hint.

The plot I found looked pretty good but, working on the assumption estate agents are as honest as most convicted fraudsters, I wanted another look.
It floods, but the estate agent neglected to mention it.

I keep a spare phone for satnav and other stuff I don't want on my good mobile, so I give people who I think will be a pain that number, estate agents are always given that number.
The phone is on silent and only gets looked at when I have need, usually sitting on the dash of my car as a satnav, but I take it with me most of the time for Gojek and other stuff like that.
The phone, had it been on ring, would have committed suicide by now if it was smart enough to read the massive amount of total crap the agents have been sending.
I want 3 bedrooms with a maid room in a given area, but they've been sending everything, even stuff from many miles away.
Many people suggest estate agents are without any morals, are willing to lie and cheat, and hang on to anyone they see as a potential victim in the same way a lion hangs on to an antelope.
I have no clue where they get that idea from.

Another day, another rip off attempt by another estate agent

This time it was neglecting to mention termites have eaten through most of the wood so all the doors and windows, including the frames, need replacing.
I'm unsure if the roof supports are wood or metal, but catching him out in an estate agent lie was enough for me to take another walk.
My somewhat low opinion of estate agents is going downhill in epic fashion.

I popped into a local mall for lunch at Burger King - Very nice.

In my opinion estate agents here are some of the most untrustworthy around can't comment on other locations.
We have been fortunate with the properties and plots of land we have purchased, mostly direct from owners and cut the estate agent out and obscene mark up on prices
One example was land next to our family home, we had no idea it was even for sale until I seen it listed on a well known website
I worked the price out per meter , that same evening, the wife found out who the owner is whom had recently moved to Bali, got in touch for a price, I said yes done deal the estate agent marked it up almost 50% on top of the sellers price unbelievable

the estate agent marked it up almost 50% on top of the sellers price unbelievable

I strongly disagree - It's easily believable.

Why am I awake at silly o'clock?

The first rains of the season, or at least the first worthy of any note, happened at 5pm and went on and off from there. The water took out my electricity so I'm sitting in a hot room with no air conditioning and light from an LED emergency lamp, hoping PLN are quick off the mark.

For others, the electricity company's emergency number is 0231 123 - you'll need your telephone number, email, home address, and meter number to report a fault.

Very handy to know, It never crossed my mind to have that number 👍

Gwmeath wrote:

Very handy to know, It never crossed my mind to have that number 👍

I've updated the advice thread

https://www.expat.com/forum/viewtopic.p … =3#4335218

What's up?
The road is up, has been for a few days and there's little sign of the beggers doing much about a lot.
The school bus is having a game trying to get in and out do I've taken to meeting them a little down the way so they don't have to navigate the tiny side roads - saves them a lot of time and several headaches.
Whilst standing waiting, I usually chat to the bacak and grab drivers that hang around there, the conversations generally turning into free English lessons (but with a Barnsley accent), but with only half concentration because I'm watching the ballet of cars and motorbikes trying to navigate the road works.
I Used "Ballet" so, if you can image the most graceful of dances performed by the world's greatest artists, you're not very close - it's more like Swan lake with educationally sub-normal, especially clumsy elephants.

Barnsley/ half concentration 😂😂

By eck, lad. Tha dunt no wats wat up nueth.

(Yes, it is in English)

My daughter's school has naffed up in the same sort of fashion the Darien scheme did. When we signed up they promised Cambridge primary checkpoint in all three subjects, then it was one, now we're down to "errrm". I'm not even slightly happy so I've warned them trouble is to come if it isn't sorted.
I can get the lass in the exams with no issue (in another school), but that's hardly the point so I popped in yesterday and gave them a talking to in a way they were less than keen on.
What they don't know (until now if they read this), is I'm a sneaky sod with a voice recorder, so I have recordings of them blaming Cambridge AND admitting fault.
Last time I used that sneaky, underhand trick was with a bent immigration officer. I still have those recordings as well, just on the off chance I should ever need them.

What a few weeks.
Our road was closed because they, the powers that be, decided the flooding was bad news so in went new drains. This afternoon's rain saw it flood worse than ever because the lips of the drains are higher than the road.
A luck has it, I bought some Gore-tex trainers, fully waterproof of course, so I'm happy.
I used 7 taxis and a couple of Go-Jek on Friday, all but one not crashing. I even lost my e-taxi virginity - Smooth ride - Well done, Blue bird.

Fred wrote:

My daughter's school has naffed up in the same sort of fashion the Darien scheme did. When we signed up they promised Cambridge primary checkpoint in all three subjects, then it was one, now we're down to "errrm". I'm not even slightly happy so I've warned them trouble is to come if it isn't sorted.
I can get the lass in the exams with no issue (in another school), but that's hardly the point so I popped in yesterday and gave them a talking to in a way they were less than keen on.
What they don't know (until now if they read this), is I'm a sneaky sod with a voice recorder, so I have recordings of them blaming Cambridge AND admitting fault.
Last time I used that sneaky, underhand trick was with a bent immigration officer. I still have those recordings as well, just on the off chance I should ever need them.

Sneaky recordings are very acceptable here unlike many places, and some of the best advice I have ever received, and has got many, myself included out of situations that prove people in certain positions are liars and corrupt

Gwmeath wrote:

Sneaky recordings are very acceptable here unlike many places, and some of the best advice I have ever received, and has got many, myself included out of situations that prove people in certain positions are liars and corrupt

It kicked the bent immigration officer right in his bola

Christmas is almost upon us, and I really don't care.
My Christmas shopping consisted of buying a new pair of heavy waterproof walking shoes for me, and a chocolate cake because my son asked for one. He doesn't actually like it very much but everyone else does so that that's okay.
I'm having Christmas absolutely nothing.

OUCH!

The water tank auto stop switch has been playing up for ages so I decided to get up there and fix it, a pretty easy job for someone as intelligent as he is amazingly handsome, so I went for it.
Sure enough, I had the technical issue identified in a jiffy, then went on to fix it - Again, very easy for an incredibly handsome chap like myself, even though my good looks and charm belie my amazing intelligence .. and I'm seriously sexy.
Anyway, I took a look at the state of the tank and realised the outside was a lot more orange than the green inside, so I thought a little clean up might be a good idea. That proved easy enough to plan, and not that hard to actually do, but I had neglected to wear a shirt. Luckily for all the local husbands, I did remember to wear shorts so all the local ladies didn't demand a divorce in order to move in with me.

I've also decided to get rid of most of the sugar from my diet because I'm fat and ugly.
However, my manly body, and it all seriously manly, is as white as the driven snow (sexy, eh?) so tends to burn pretty quickly even when the sun isn't all that strong - that taking me back to the first word of this post.

Drugs, in my opinion, are a cancer delivered by rats.

I've just seen a drug arrest, one British cops would get into trouble for on the grounds they used undue force (and probably face assault charges for), but all well and good here. They grabbed the pointless item in exactly the sort of way a crap psychotic housemaid treats kids, slung him into the car, then threatened to kill him if he resisted (He didn't resist, so lived). I may pop to the police station later with a box of something nice because I don't want illegitimate dogs like that dealer near my place, and they nabbed him next door.
Now I've seen for myself the way the cops arrest dealers, I have to strongly suggest anyone reading this doesn't mess with that stuff.
I applaud the cops - Well done, lads.

Bored like a dude listening to an aircraft safety announcement so I thought I'd create a youtube channel.
Started, picking up subscribers, and having a bit of fun making content.

I have a small recording studio at home, just a small thing that's very much built to cope with basic tasks, but I'm doing a little more at the moment so it's time for a minor upgrade.
I'm looking at a better microphone and an essential I've never really got around to buying, a pop filter.
My recordings have sudden peaks when I utter any any of the bilabials, especially Ps, but a pop filter should sort out the problem, that giving me better quality recordings.
Shopping tomorrow morning whilst my wife is at the gym with her mates.