Alejandra and I met on October 6, 2012. A week later, at the Native Cultural Circle Annual Powwow in Clarksville, Tennessee, we got married. 1344 hours, or 56 days, later, I moved to Buenos Aires.
In just 24-hours, I went from being able to maneuver around the White House with ease to having a childlike wonder in a country where I didn't know, well, anything. After an eleven-hour flight, I became five-years-old again. When I landed, I couldn't read anything and had only the most basic idea of how things work. I couldn't even cross a street without endangering my life. My entire existence became a series of what Bill Bryson calls, “interesting guesses.”
I didn't speak Spanish and struggled with the idea that it's cold in July and hot in December. To me, the calendar was backwards and still screams baseball in June while the weather whispers football.
I'm 65-years-old now and when I was a kid growing up in dusty Appalachia Virginia, I had no idea where I'd be in life. But I never thought about being 65 either. For most of my life I was like one of those sad combo pizzas from Domino's trying to be what other people wanted me to be. But life goes on and you learn to roll with the flow or the flow overtakes you and drowns you in reality as you try to gasp for air and figure out what the next step is.
Except, I've never worried about the next step. Divorced in 2005 after 31-years of marriage, I left with no more than a duffel bag and $15.00. Over the next 7 years I crossed America three times. Once by foot and twice by bicycle. Along the way, I took a turn and ended up in Argentina.
When Alejandra and I married in a full-blown traditional Cherokee wedding, I repeated what Ruth told Naomi, “Your people shall become my people. Your land shall become my land.
By navigating the mental and physical shift, I learned some things I'd like to share with either expats-to-be or recent expats.
And here we are.
Culture shock is not fatal
Culture shock is common even though it may take months to show up. Affecting people living far from ‘home' it is more than being unfamiliar with novel social norms or exploring new foods. Culture shock can even affect expats after they've become acquainted with, and comfortable, in new cultures.
Although not fatal, culture shock moves through four phases toward growth:
- Honeymoon,
- Frustration,
- Adjustment, and
- Acceptance
There is no established pattern through the steps. You don't work through step 1 before moving on to step 2. It's more of a jagged path. Everyone starts at step 1. Some jump ahead to step 3 and back to step 2 before reaching step 4 and often regressing to step 1.
However, the end result is growth. The most intense personal growth does not materialize while reading a book or meditating on a mat. Personal growth shows up in the midst of conflict -- when you are irritated, afraid, frustrated. Growth happens when you are doing the same old thing and you suddenly realize that you have a choice.
You can't buy happiness, but you can buy plane tickets
... and it's kind of the same thing.
Until I traveled through America under my own power, I was caught up in America's culture of instant gratification. I wanted things to work quickly and to be perfect right away. I wasn't happy when I didn't see immediate results. But when I made an international move, I changed my thinking and realized how unrealistic my thinking was. I've learned not to expect miracles overnight and I acknowledge that progress takes time. I've learned to maintain reasonable expectations.
When I moved to Argentina, I found that a few small tweaks to my mindset and routines started to make a difference between simply “living” overseas and thriving.
Landing in Buenos Aires
One of the benefits, I've found, of being bi-cultural is simply the awareness that how you live is not the only way to live. You're an Expatriate. Ernest Hemingway said, “You're an expat. You've lost touch with the soil. You get precious. Fake European standards have ruined you. You link yourself to death. You spend all your time talking, not working. You are an expatriate, see? You hang around cafės.”
Here I am
I'm too foreign for home and too foreign for here. I'm never enough for both. When someone asks me where I'm from, I don't know what to say. I wonder, “Do they mean where I live? Or who issued my passport? Or maybe where I was raised.” Instead, I give them my patented dumb look and say, “Wha…?”
Tips to making it work
If you are left questioning if an intercultural relationship will work, the answer is, “yes, but…”.
Intercultural relationships work, but require more work and drive from each to make it work. I've grown a lot and learned a lot. Maybe the biggest lesson has been these. May they guide you through a successful relationship.
Be open-minded
Everyone is different and no two persons ever will be the same. Intercultural couples face this issue to a greater degree than ‘normal' couples. By staying open-minded when you see the differences between you and your partner can result in more reasons to be happy. The more open I was to understanding and accepting the differences, the less cultural shock I faced.
Interest and respect
Someone once asked us how to have minimal cultural clashes. Ale gave the best answer when she said we are both dedicated to learning new cultures. By being interested in learning more about each other's culture we can understand why we act, behave or say certain things. We grew more tolerant with each other.
We have more similarities than differences
Ale and I still take the time to talk with each other and we've found infinitely more similarities than differences. The similarities have ranged from sharing an interest in spicy foods, sports, history and music.
We choose to focus on our similarities and share what we love with each other as we educate each other about our personal history, background, and home countries.
Compromise
As we started to learn about each other, we slowly learned how to understand, tolerate and compromise. It's easy for someone to argue that if your partner loves you, you won't have to compromise. That's not only garbage, but it's selfish as well. Even in ‘normal' relationships, compromise is needed to make it work. Compromise doesn't mean only one person makes the compromises. It needs to be fair and balanced with both willing to compromise for the other.
Assumptions
In an intercultural relationship, what your partner is saying may not be what you think it is. A joke in their culture may be an insult in yours, so leave room for cultural faux pas. If you feel insulted even if your partner is smiling, don't get mad. Ask them to clarify and explain what they said.
Practice Mindfulness
Continually practice mindfulness or self-awareness. Regardless of where you are from, love your partner and treat them as equals. Feeling superior is a trap into which it is easy to fall. Remember that no matter how socially conscious or “politically correct” you try to be, your views are tinged with a built-in preconceived bias.
Being self-aware is vital.
The Takeaway
So, here I am. Eight-years later. I still can't speak Spanish. I'm not traveling alone anymore. As of this writing, August 2020, we're still on lockdown, and while international flying has been forbidden, Ale and I can still go skiing and horseback riding in Patagonia, watch the whales in the small town of Puerto Madryn on the Valdez Peninsula, and enjoy leisurely afternoons at any of hundreds of sidewalk cafes.
