Street lights glowing, children on school holidays, shops packed with last-minute shoppers, and crowds of travellers filling airports… yes, Christmas is here again. It is one of those times of year that tends to divide people evenly: some love it, others can't stand it. And if you live abroad, there is often an added layer to this season. You may go through a transitional phase marked by a sudden longing to go back home to home-cooked meals, family gatherings, and traditional celebrations. Or you may feel exactly the opposite: a strong dislike for this time of year and a wish to go into “hibernation mode” from 1 December to 8 January. Both reactions are perfectly valid.
Sometimes, though, things feel even more complicated. A part of you desperately wants to go home for Christmas, while another part feels deeply uneasy at the very thought. How can that be?
Christmas is a particularly intense period of the year. In a very short amount of time, there are visits, multiple social events, and then yet another round of goodbyes for most expats who return to their home countries for the holidays. From a psychological perspective, going home for Christmas brings with it significant challenges that we may once again feel compelled to face: awkward conversations with certain family members, having to share news we would rather avoid, navigating unresolved or complex family conflicts, or even experiencing the unsettling feeling that, despite being “back home”, we no longer truly belong there.
During the rest of the year, while living abroad, physical distance often protects us from having to confront family situations that remain unresolved or are emotionally charged. Returning home for the holidays means reconnecting with those dynamics, which can trigger anticipatory anxiety in the days leading up to the trip, sleep difficulties, and a general sense of unease—feelings that may intensify as the return date approaches.
For others, the days before departure are filled with excitement and joy: imagining emotional reunions with family and friends, tasting familiar dishes again, or strolling through the streets of their hometown.
Whichever experience resonates with you, in my work as a psychotherapist specializing in expat clients, I have seen that visiting home is a delicate moment, and returning to your life abroad is, I would say, especially delicate.
Every year after the holidays, my practice fills with stories from patients who, while having enjoyed many beautiful moments during their time at home, also went through others that were deeply difficult and emotionally demanding. This emotional ambivalence, holding such contrasting feelings at the same time, can leave people feeling profoundly disoriented, confused, and even more uprooted than they already felt before boarding the plane home.
If you live abroad and are going home for Christmas, here are a few recommendations that may help you manage your emotions, both during your stay and as you prepare to return to the country where you currently live.
Interpersonal conflicts are part of human nature
If you have an unresolved conflict with a family member or friend, that conflict will still be there when you return home. Remember: you were the one who left. The conflict didn't go anywhere. It has simply been waiting for you.
Conflicts are a natural part of relationships. It is unrealistic to expect them not to exist in one form or another. Rather than trying to resolve everything during a short visit, it may be healthier to lower that expectation. If the moment comes to address it, take a breath, slow down, and try to communicate as openly as possible. Keep in mind that the conflict may not be fully resolved, but even a small improvement, such as understanding the other person's perspective (without necessarily agreeing with it), may be the closest we come to resolution.
Not quite feeling “at home”
One of the feelings I hear most often in therapy is the discomfort of not fully feeling at home, even when you are back home. The excitement of returning can quickly collide with a painful realization during a family gathering: “I don't feel like I belong here anymore.” If this happens to you, don't worry. It is one of the most common experiences among expats.
Your life, and with it, your identity, has evolved over the years you've spent living abroad. It is entirely normal to sit once again at the Christmas table, surrounded by the same people, eating the same food, observing the same traditions, and yet feel that something inside you has shifted. And the truth is, it has. You are no longer exactly the same person who once left that home. Your family members aren't either.
Going back home is, in many ways, a return to the past. In this situation, it is important to remember that even if things have changed, you remain emotionally connected to that place and to those people. Bonds transform and evolve. Even without living there day to day, you can still feel that sense of belonging, often alongside a growing connection to the culture of the country where you now live. Understanding this ambivalence as a natural outcome of the migration process is essential.
A lot of emotions in a short time, and then back to normal life
That's exactly how it feels.
I once had a patient describe her Christmas visit to her parents in a way that stayed with me. She told me that while living in London, she felt as though she was the main character in her own film. But when Christmas arrived, and she returned to Spain, it was like stepping into a completely different movie, a very old one, where she was no longer the protagonist. There were other main characters, and everyone interacted by repeating the same script, the same dialogue, over and over again. She felt trapped in a loop, much like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day.
Find a safe space to regulate yourself
With so many family gatherings, social events, and commitments, it is crucial to find a safe space where you can pause, breathe, and regulate yourself if you begin to feel overwhelmed or emotionally overloaded. I like to call this space a refuge.
This refuge allows you to step in and out of social situations, helping you regain a sense of calm and emotional balance. Simple practices such as washing your face with cold water, engaging in slow, deep breathing, or going for a short walk can help your nervous system relax and activate the parasympathetic response.
Repeating grounding affirmations like “I'm okay. I'm safe” can also be helpful, particularly in family environments that feel tense or conflict-ridden, as they help reduce the activation of the body's survival or alert system.
Remember: taking care of your emotional well-being during Christmas is essential if you want to return to your routine after the holidays with good mental health.
Merry Christmas to you all.
