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Does your Vietnamese wife do this?

gobot
Since I have only had one Vietnamese wife, I often attribute her unusual behavior to ALL Vietnamese. Help me out guys, and Vietnamese who are lurking here too.

Is this normal? Is it just her? Got other examples?

1. "The man enters first".

Culture shock when I first met her. In America, the man holds the door for any woman, and follows her. As if Her Ladyship is being "presented" to the guests beyond.  My wife's rule is the strong man goes first, to clear a path through the jungle, slay the tigers, for her safety. I quickly retrained her for taxis, where it is a struggle for me being tall and bigger. However barging through doors and crowds allowing her to trail in my wake - I don't mind.


2. "Family first"

We live with some of her family members. Whenever I am having a conversation with my wife, I am invisible to everyone else. They think nothing of interrupting, telling stories, yelling questions from upstairs, and the moment they start speaking, I become instantly invisible to her. Our discussion vaporizes mid-sentence. Eventually when there is lull, sometimes she remembers I am there, sometimes she remembers what we were discussing.  [Workaround: I take the iPad to the dinner table.]

See also

Living in Vietnam: the expat guideManaging meals in VietnamReal Estate Prices in VietnamChanges with GrabSchwab Accounts in VietnamBanks with the largest ATM Withdrawal LimitsForeigner setting up a cafe in VN
Ungarb

@gobot Did you marry my wife?

Anthony64
Not having had to live with her family members....but on occasion when they have visited our house...yes...'invisible' is pretty much the word.  As to who enters the residence first...there are no lions, tigers or bears...normally she was the one entering as I would drive or push the motorbike into the house.  I usually still hold the door/s open for their entry regardless of where.  As to customs, religions, traditions and the sort; I pay no attention to such.  As to meeting with family members, I have always had a 'once a year' meal with them.  I do not believe in 'holidays', never have.  Honestly don't care for the food either, so it's eat a little and 20 minutes later time to leave; she has always stayed behind to continue to chat.  But from what you have described, I have heard that is fairly normal with some.  I have had my own room with laptops, so it's easy to be 'invisible', and somewhat more quiet. 
Sounds like you might have a good one...continue to protect her... Best of Luck.
SteinNebraska
NO on the door thing.  She has no problem with me holding the door for her.

YES on invisible when we go to hometown unless I elbow my way into the conversation with a question.  I suppose that's because we only went there once a month or two.  Going to be interesting this month.  First time she has been back to Vietnam since we left March 2021.  Her and her daughter are staying six weeks.  I'm only staying in HCMC for 2-3 weeks.  I'll make one trip to hometown.
Aidan in HCMC
Mine does whatever she tells me to do.

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gobot
Mine does whatever she tells me to do.

1f910.svg1f606.svg
- @Aidan in HCMC

That's deep.

I do whatever mine reminds me to do, over and over and over, every single time she motorbikes to work. In case I forgot.

"Lock the door"

Do you know there are criminals everywhere?
Lennerd
When a man says he's going to do something, it's going to get done. There is no reason to bring it up and nag, nag, nag every six months.
Aidan in HCMC
Okay is it just some VN wives, or can your VN wife do this too?


:)

3c9p8j2d



Mac68
@Lennerd



Dear, Dear, Lennerd,

There is you and there is Vietnamese.  You got to adjust my colleague... or not.

Best Regards,

Mac
Mac68
@gobot ,



Yep...Gobot's got it down well, as do I.

Mac
OceanBeach92107
When a man says he's going to do something, it's going to get done. There is no reason to bring it up and nag, nag, nag every six months.- @Lennerd
Dear, Dear, Lennerd,
There is you and there is Vietnamese.  You got to adjust my colleague... or not.

Best Regards,

Mac
- @Mac68
Methinks the humor of Dear Lennerd hath overflown Dear Mac's head...

😉😉😉
goodolboy
When a man says he's going to do something, it's going to get done. There is no reason to bring it up and nag, nag, nag every six months.- @Lennerd
Dear, Dear, Lennerd,
There is you and there is Vietnamese.  You got to adjust my colleague... or not.

Best Regards,

Mac
- @Mac68
Methinks the humor of Dear Lennerd hath overflown Dear Mac's head...

😉😉😉
- @OceanBeach92107


1f923.svg1f602.svg PMSL
Mac68
@OceanBeach92107

Dear OB,

You are correct,..... whoosh it went over my head, got it, wonderful cynical humor.  Thanks all.

Mac

Oh, and after my wife and I finally arrived back in My Tho, We saw a t shirt of which on the back was said: " I am not screaming I am a Vietnamese (woman)."
Wadey
@OceanBeach92107

Dear OB,

You are correct,..... whoosh it went over my head, got it, wonderful cynical humor.  Thanks all.

Mac

Oh, and after my wife and I finally arrived back in My Tho, We saw a t shirt of which on the back was said: " I am not screaming I am a Vietnamese (woman)."
- @Mac68

Bit off topic but on the same lines.....
While having a quiet beer at Emilies  Kitchen (spelling)  last night
I saw a great T-shirt  one guy was wearing .


“You Cannot Scare Me..... I’m married to a Vietnamese Woman”



Wadey
jayrozzetti23
Bit off topic but on the same lines.....
While having a quiet beer at Emilies  Kitchen (spelling)  last night
I saw a great T-shirt  one guy was wearing .


“You Cannot Scare Me..... I’m married to a Vietnamese Woman”



I've seen that shirt and thought it was a bit sad. I know it's supposed to be humorous, but it makes you wonder what these guys have to (or choose to) endure. Hopefully, their relationships are not as bad as the shirt seems to indicate.
Mac68
John Ross,

I've over the years learned how to navigate together, ...

Mac
SteveMiike
Number 2 happens quite a bit with my wife and her family. I always put it down to a mix of her family not knowing when a good spot was to jump in due to not understanding English and my wifes short attention span. Manners also differ greatly between cultures. I hope I said that politely enough.
RTLisSB
@SteveMiike

Hi Steve,

What would be some of the "manners" things you mentioned?

Roger
Guestposter103
Regarding number 2, forget about privacy while living with a Vietnamese family. It's common for family members to interrupt you at any time while having a conversation with your significant other. This is a cultural thing and definitely takes time to get used to.  You can do the same as well, although we may see this as being rude to interrupt someone while having a conversation. Vietnamese do not see this behavior as being rude.

My Spouse mostly does respond to me while she is busy talking or interacting with other family members, unless she is too busy with doing something.

If something bothers you, discuss it,  try to find a solution somewhere in the middle of the road!
SteveMiike
@RTLisSB

Too much to list. Almost everything you would do in the West in terms of being considerate of others is out the window in Vietnam.
wits3
Okay is it just some VN wives, or can your VN wife do this too?


smile.png

3c9p8j2d


- @Aidan in HCMC

sorry. do what precisely?
Travelfar
Wife answer phone.  Puts in on speaker. 


Caller starts speaking.  Wife starts replying while caller continues, wife says "what?" then continues talking. 

Again, "what?" and continues talking over the caller.  Again and again.  She doesn't hear clearly (and neither does the caller) so each requires a re-transmit. 

Drives me to distraction!
Travelfar
Send wife into a store to ask if they have a specific something I want.  Five minutes later, comes out and says they don't have it.

It seems the seller must exchange life history with the wife and vice versa before an answer can be forthcoming.
Guestposter103
Send wife into a store to ask if they have a specific something I want.  Five minutes later, comes out and says they don't have it.

It seems the seller must exchange life history with the wife and vice versa before an answer can be forthcoming.
- @Travelfar



Yep, same with directions.
Aidan in HCMC
Okay is it just some VN wives, or can your VN wife do this too?


smile.png



- @Aidan in HCMC

sorry. do what precisely?
- @wits3

Sit on her calves.
hphuong0007
I got used to my Vietnamese wife .And I walked out the marriage .To her believe the immediate family is second .I'm less important than her mother sisters brothers ,1f600.svg1f600.svg
saigondave2
As to customs, religions, traditions and the sort; I pay no attention to such. 
Honestly don't care for the food either, so it's eat a little and 20 minutes later time to leave
- @Anthony64

I feel like you're missing out somewhat on opportunities to learn different ways of living and sample what is, at least to me, simply a rich assortment of great food. I have not been to too many countries where the standard restaurant menu contains such a wide variety of usually tasty dishes.

Each to their own, I guess...
Aidan in HCMC
I feel like you're missing out somewhat on opportunities to learn different ways of living and sample what is, at least to me, simply a rich assortment of great food. I have not been to too many countries where the standard restaurant menu contains such a wide variety of usually tasty dishes.

Each to their own, I guess...

- @saigondave2

Logged in just to up-vote you. Thank you, indeed!

My motto has always been, as so eloquently stated by Casey Neistat,

“Experience does for the soul, what education does for the mind.”
Swee Loke
Can identify with 1st part, as when we start to walk up steps, she will retreat a bit, and motion for me to go first.
The 2nd part is an ongoing thing; when family members are around, we, as the foreigner part,  are taken just as appendages, and invisible; for her, the Family always comes first, so, you either put up with IT, and know b4 hand that that's the way or just buzz off....
gobot
My motto has always been, as so eloquently stated by Casey Neistat,

“Experience does for the soul, what education does for the mind.”
- @Aidan in HCMC

Touchy feely 1f984.svg but ok. There is a difference, education vs experience, thinking vs doing.
surus
1- is a culture thing. I was told that a good woman will follow a good man, but never heard of the tiger in the jungle story. i can see both sides though.

2- is frustrating and I sometimes lose my patience over this lack of common sense. My wife (VN) allowed her friend to live with us for what seemed forever at the time, what was supposed to be a month turned into six or seven months. anyways the woman would barge into our bedroom without knocking and begin talking while we were having a conversation. one night I had, had enough and i lost my temper and raised my voice at her, 20 minutes later she moved out... :) I felt ashamed that i reacted like that, but was damn glad she moved out. she also had a teenage son and a French boyfriend that often stayed with us. which didn't help my nerves much.
aubmush7
@gobot I believe most westerners are surprised & shocked at times when they realize the cultural differences in vietnam are so entrenched. Your examples are textbook. It’s a difficult transition for westerners to embrace some of their cultural norms. I remember being in a very nice dinning room in Hanoi having dinner with friends with about 5 - 7-10 year olds racing around screaming, laughing playing tag. The restaurant was full. No one batted an eye - not even noticing the obvious disruption experienced by me in the beginning. Within about 10 minutes I realize children there can be children regardless of the environment. As an LeadershipEnglish teacher there - I was impressed that we in the west may be way behind in our own beliefs about child rearing.
Try to shift your common westerner perceptions to being curious as to the value behind these very different common sense cultural norms.
Good luck 🤞
A.
RTLisSB
@gobot I As an LeadershipEnglish teacher there - I was impressed that we in the west may be way behind in our own beliefs about child rearing.

A.
- @aubmush7

I see your point, but in this particular case I think it should be restaurant dependent. The idea of "children being allowed to be children" is fantastic, but people should also be able to enjoy a nice restaurant without the disruption, particularly if they are treating themselves to an upscale meal that they normally wouldn't.

But yes, if that's the way it is in VN, then the foreigner should adjust.

Roger
kimey2261
@gobot h
Hi, been married 14 years to VN lady.  It doesn't get any easier.  Yes, when she is with other VN speaking people & in particular her family, I don't exist, she completely ignores me. Sorry to say, I am feeling very alone and ready to pull the plug and move on.
tluesche
The "door thing" is made in America. I'm talking as a Swiss, don't know if it's same all over Europe. Yes, the husband always let his wife go first. WITH ONE EXCEPTION: entering a restaurant. Are you really so rude and let your wife talk to the restaurant receptionist?

The "family thing": absolutely. I'm inexistent.
OceanBeach92107
Forgive me for waxing philosophical.

I personally feel that western culture--especially in urban and suburban USA--has us and our families living as lone pines against the elements, so to speak, while Vietnamese culture--especially in rural and impoverished areas--reminds me of a grove of aspens living as one organism, interconnected by a vast root system.

A problem (as I see it) is western men being drawn to life among the aspens while insisting on remaining lone pines.

There is a strong desire to have a wonderful Vietnamese girlfriend or wife, but not so often to live with her in her aspen grove.

Hopefully a foreigner comes to realize that it would mean the inner death of his Vietnamese woman to be separated from her culture, just as a single aspen tree cannot survive on it's own as the lone pine does.
Mac68
OB,

Dang MAN !!!! Me believes you nailed it !!
Best explains (in contrast) why we moved back to VN.
Please, may we expand this into a topic, as it so succinctly exposes so much more to greater understanding, unless of course we need to keep our ourselves sheltered from criticism for assimilating into VN cultural morae's.

Thank you Sincerely,
Mac.
OceanBeach92107
OB,

Dang MAN !!!! Me believes you nailed it !!
Best explains (in contrast) why we moved back to VN.
Please, may we expand this into a topic, as it so succinctly exposes so much more to greater understanding, unless of course we need to keep our ourselves sheltered from criticism for assimilating into VN cultural morae's.

Thank you Sincerely,
Mac.
- @Mac68
You are more than welcome to create a new topic thread on this subject Mac.

I'm going to leave my post as is as part of the discussion where everyone's respectful opinions and viewpoints are welcome.

Cheers!
goodolboy
@gobot h
Hi, been married 14 years to VN lady.  It doesn't get any easier.  Yes, when she is with other VN speaking people & in particular her family, I don't exist, she completely ignores me. Sorry to say, I am feeling very alone and ready to pull the plug and move on.
- @kimey2261

Pull the plug mate, thats my advice, thats no way to treat anyone & there are lots out there to take her place & might just treat you with a bit of respect. As someone who has also lived here 14 years plus just like you & have had 3 long term relationships with Vietnamese women I can honestly say I would never ever accept that s**t. I dont give a dam about her family & the culture thing. In any relationship its a 50/50 thing & being ignored, treated with dis respect just because "its the culture"  & you are not Vietnamese dont wash it with me & you know what when you set the rules from the start it dont happen! or certainly did not with me.
OceanBeach92107
@gobot h
Hi, been married 14 years to VN lady.  It doesn't get any easier.  Yes, when she is with other VN speaking people & in particular her family, I don't exist, she completely ignores me. Sorry to say, I am feeling very alone and ready to pull the plug and move on.
- @kimey2261

Pull the plug mate, thats my advice, thats no way to treat anyone & there are lots out there to take her place & might just treat you with a bit of respect. As someone who has also lived here 14 years plus just like you & have had 3 long term relationships with Vietnamese women I can honestly say I would never ever accept that s**t. I dont give a dam about her family & the culture thing. In any relationship its a 50/50 thing & being ignored, treated with dis respect just because "its the culture"  & you are not Vietnamese dont wash it with me & you know what when you set the rules from the start it dont happen! or certainly did not with me.
- @goodolboy
I'm really glad you posted this, as it's kind of the other side of the coin from my point of view, yet a perfectly valid opinion and philosophy.

I've spent enough time in Vietnam to know that there are a lot of miserable expats who are trying to figure out what's keeping them from being happy.

I don't think the answer is "the Vietnamese woman".

I think people create their own unhappiness when they try to put their square peg in a round hole, so to speak.

There definitely are many, many Vietnamese women who would be happy to be in the relationship you describe.

The trick is to make 100% sure that you are both on the same page.

My future wife would never have been asked to be my fiancée if we hadn't already spent a significant amount of time being sure that we are in agreement about boundaries.

The rules we have adopted (and are both expected to follow) are a result of both of us being firm about non-negotiable needs.

You might very well be miserable (or gone) in the type of relationship I have with my future wife.

Meanwhile, I always wish you nothing but happiness in the relationship you've got going with your partner.

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