Trailing spouse: A difficult role for men?
“I never thought that one day I would follow my wife overseas. We dreamed of going to Spain. We studied Spanish, saved money, my wife found a great job offer in a bank, and we decided to take the leap. I thought I would be able to find a job quickly, but it has been a long struggle since. It was really weird to me that we live on her earnings. We have two kids, and I was worried that they would no longer respect me as a father. But today, I wonder how I could ever have such thoughts". Leo, 33, who moved to Spain with his wife Sasha in 2016, breaks the myth. Leo had been doing odd jobs, and when he finally found a stable job, the Covid happened. This is, paradoxically, what helped Leo to take a step back. “Everything was at a standstill. Fortunately, my wife was there to support our family. I had nearly three months of blackout, and I had to see a doctor. I had complexes regarding my wife's success. And very jealous too. I was ashamed of this feeling, but I felt relieved after talking about it". Leo decided to put a full stop to all this. "I was the only one who saw it as a battle!". Today, he takes care of the children even more and sees it as "the most beautiful and complex job in the world!" I was already taking care of the children and the logistics before, but I decided to give it more consideration. I also reflected on my career, and I realised that cooking is my thing. Leo is passionate about cooking, baking and pastry: homemade bread and pastries, cakes, etc. He brainstormed a lot with his wife about whether to join a cooking school. After a couple of months, Loo chose pastry. "I have just started the training, but I already know that I want to give time to my children and my wife. We will see how things evolve. So far, so good. I learned to be more relaxed and dropped my archaic thoughts. My wife earns more than me, and that's fine. »
Reinventing your career as a trailing spouse
The story of Leo and Sacha crystallises what is at stake when the female partner is the trailing spouse. It is a sign of social advancement, even though men often perceive it as downgrading. Women still carry the mental burden as they are expected to fill the role of a wife and mother, which is difficult to reconcile with a career abroad. Changing mentalities helps put women at the forefront, but men tend to question themselves. Anthony, who left France to reunite with his American girlfriend in the United States, testified for a French expat podcast: “ For 6 months, I was stuck at home, and it was a bit hard for me. Also, I was dependent a bit on my wife, and it felt really weird". While waiting to obtain his Green Card, Anthony explored his new environment and indulged in his passion for piloting. He passed exams and is now a professional pilot. Once he obtained his residence permit, he was directly hired in a flight school. It was a dream come true for the former engineer, who did not expect such a professional change. "I had never thought that this was possible, I had never imagined it in France. »
For Ken, the change was psychological. In 2017, the Japanese national moved to France. He simply did not see himself spending the rest of this life in Japan. “There, I was just a herbivore responsible for the low birth rate, without a future, and without a fixed job". Ken did a series of "baito" (odd jobs) in Japan. The term "herbivore" first appeared in 2006, used by the author and trend specialist Maki Fukasawa to qualify men who are in total opposition to the traditional virile image. This expression raised a real social problem as many young men reject the traditional social model in Japan. The trend is still relevant and is still debated. Some like to call these men "passive", responsible for the decline in the birth rate, fleeing their "responsibilities as men". Others believe that this trend contributes to enhancing relationships between women and men. During his stay as a working holidayer in France, Ken met the one who later became his wife. A twist of fate: she was transferred to Tokyo. " Everything happened so fast. The day I landed in France, I met my girlfriend in the evening, and we got married later on. It was like in a dream. But in January 2020, the nightmare began. We had to go back to Japan", he says. The pandemic considerably delayed things. “I thought the project would be aborted because eventually, my wife was telecommuting. She even went back to the office from time to time. But in mid-2021, it came back on the table, and so did my anxieties". Ken was worried about what his family would think about all this because he had always lived his life in his own "bubble".
A few months after their arrival in Tokyo, Ken's wife was pregnant. It is paradoxically a springboard for the thirty-something. “Strangely, I remembered Shinjiro Koizumi (former Minister of the Environment) who wanted to take paternity leave. It was a first in Japan! I said to myself that I, too, should take a break to think about all this. And if anyone says anything about this, then just too bad. Anyway, the freeters (people doing odd jobs, part-time employees, unemployed, etc.) are already frowned upon. In Japan, paternity leave is still not widespread. It's only on January 15, 2020, that this was announced by the former Minister. Supported by former Prime Minister Suga, Koizumi's remarks shook the whole country and spread internationally. But the youngest Minister of the government, who was then 38, remained cautious: barely two weeks of paternity leave spread over three months, during which he would work from home. But the announcement was unprecedented for a traditional country like Japan". He relates that only 6% of fathers take paternity leave, compared to 80% of mothers. Ken stopped his job search and joined a "dad school." "I needed to talk to future fathers who were a little lost, like me. Today, I am a happy young stay-at-home father who is fully concerned with his daughter's education. Some congratulate me. Others point the finger at me and call me names. Others feel pity for me and think I'm doing this because of the crisis because I don't have a job. It's funny".
Trailing spouse: A new trait of modern men?
Gaby, who is in his thirties, is convinced that his generation is much more concerned about respecting women's rights and fighting discrimination. He did not hesitate to follow his girlfriend, who dreamed of a life in Canada. He had never thought of it before, but they built the project together as a couple. "The deal was that we would leave as soon as one of us landed a job. She found the job first, and I followed her. That was great". For Gaby, the man's place in the couple is not an issue. "Maybe that was the case for the previous generation, but I think things are changing, and that's a good thing. Why should women sacrifice their careers for men? They also have ambitions. I think there would be less discrimination if men stopped taking a place that was never theirs. Companies too must play the game by reducing the wage gap based on gender, offering opportunities to both women and men, and taking care of trailing spouses, whether they are men or women. I have heard that some companies provide training to male trailing spouses as if they need to find a job quickly. They have less consideration for women are expected to stay at home. It makes no sense. Things need to change". Gaby is part of the "Erasmus generation". He believes in feminism, ecology, the valorisation of the "new fathers", far from the older generation models. “The world needs more expatriate women and more trailing spouses,” he concludes.
