There is an African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” But what happens when there is no “village”? Bringing a child into the world or raising one far from home means facing the expectations of family and one's social group while choosing a solitary path. It is a path marked by loneliness, where we confront the ongoing exile of being a foreigner, even as we create a “symbolic, bodily, and mental territory of belonging to that other being who has come into life.”
Becoming a mother abroad is an experience that can put both our physical and mental health at risk. Many studies support this. Data show that rates of depression are higher among women who have recently become mothers abroad than among those who have not experienced displacement or migration.
With this in mind, it is important to take care of ourselves and to promote protective factors for our health and well-being. Last month, I gave a conference on this topic at the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia, aimed at psychologists working with women experiencing motherhood abroad. I was struck by how many shared the daily challenges these women face as foreign mothers in Catalonia, as well as their own difficulties in supporting them.
It is not easy for either side.
Below are some key tips if you are a mother abroad or planning to become one.
Ask for help
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of strength. Understanding what we need at any given moment and being able to seek that help reflects strong psychological competence.
Don't expect to do everything alone (and do it perfectly)
Accept that you will not be able to do everything on your own, and that is okay. You are not meant to do everything, nor to do everything perfectly. Let go of the idea of perfection. The perfect mother does not exist. What does exist are imperfect mothers, and accepting ourselves as such helps us strive to be better (not perfect), to be human. Children need a secure attachment figure. Providing emotional security, not perfection, is what truly matters.
If, for any reason, you do not feel stable or able to provide that sense of security, ask for help. Do not keep it to yourself. Do not isolate yourself or blame yourself. You may be going through a difficult time, and in that case, seeking psychological support can help, at least for a while, until you feel more emotionally stable and able to continue with everything else.
Create spaces for self-care
Mothers are mothers 24/7. But many of us are not only that. We also work, we are friends, partners, daughters, and more. Managing everything can become exhausting, and often impossible.
What if we gave ourselves space? Returning to a hobby you enjoyed before motherhood, or trying something new, can help. Take time for yourself. Breathe, and ask yourself the essential question: “How am I, and what do I need?” Then, move forward with whatever answers arise.
You are doing well (or the best you can with what you know and have). Ask for help if you feel you need it.
“This too shall pass”
Having little or no support network, feeling alone and insecure in a country that is not your own, is not the easiest context for motherhood. That said, experiences can vary. I have had patients who are happy being mothers far from their families and social environments.
In any case, difficult moments will come. Sleepless nights, babies crying without a clear reason, doubts that arise (“Am I doing this right?”), and guilt. Yes, guilt, because it can take many forms:
“I am raising my child far from my family,”
“My parents won't be able to be close grandparents,”
“My child will grow up far from my culture.”
On the hardest days, it is important to remind yourself: “This too shall pass.”
Your child will eventually sleep through the night, eat better, and become more independent. You may also find the support you currently lack. You may return to developing your professional career if motherhood has put it on pause.
All of this will pass.
Reminding ourselves of this helps release a great deal of emotional tension and allows us to move with the present moment, without getting stuck in the negative emotions we may be experiencing right now.
I invite you to try it.
