Expat Burnout

This is the good old syndrome of "It's better at home ..." But in this case, why be gone abroad? To succeed in an expatriation, one must always stop comparing the before and the after. If we start this stupidity, it's the end.

It's not up to others to adapt to you and your expectations. It's up to you to get used to them and their ways of living / thinking / ...

You will see that after your resettlement in the States, after a while you will talk to your friends about the particular points of your expatriation that you found better than your situation in the US ...

Your girlfriend (if she follows you) will also pass by there after a few months in your country ...

What worked for me was realizing that the world owes me nothing. If I want my life to be different, I have to put in the work. If I think there's nothing to do where I live, I need to make the activities that I like. There are also stupid rules everywhere in the world and I can either waste energy getting pissed off about them or figure out how to work with them if I've decided I'm committed to staying somewhere. Or, if I know the timeline is limited, I just focus on getting through to that point I can leave.

And to a certain extent, my ex-boyfriend's dad is right that "wherever you go, there you are". So you can change your location but you're still going to be the same you with the same dislikes and insecurities, unless you figure out how to deal with that first.

That said, I realize that some people are so rooted to where they're from, living anywhere else will simply never work. I know a woman from a backwater small town in Missouri and she was absolutely miserable living in Norway. She's been back in her small town for four years and is much happier there.

phipiemar wrote:

This is the good old syndrome of "It's better at home ..." But in this case, why be gone abroad? To succeed in an expatriation, one must always stop comparing the before and the after. If we start this stupidity, it's the end.

It's not up to others to adapt to you and your expectations. It's up to you to get used to them and their ways of living / thinking / ...

You will see that after your resettlement in the States, after a while you will talk to your friends about the particular points of your expatriation that you found better than your situation in the US ...

Your girlfriend (if she follows you) will also pass by there after a few months in your country ...

Why be gone abroad? Because my company wanted me to honestly. The only things I like more here are being able to walk to restaurants and shopping much easier than home as well as the ease of travel to amazing places (rode that train hard, happy with my experiences there). I've had LOTS of time to think about the pros and cons of my situation.

I've never expected anyone to adapt to me. That's part of the burnout. I know nothing will change here and I just have to grind it out. People is part of it, but just the general boringness of the area I'm in and the inconvenience of it is what is really grinding.

ECS wrote:

What worked for me was realizing that the world owes me nothing. If I want my life to be different, I have to put in the work. If I think there's nothing to do where I live, I need to make the activities that I like. There are also stupid rules everywhere in the world and I can either waste energy getting pissed off about them or figure out how to work with them if I've decided I'm committed to staying somewhere. Or, if I know the timeline is limited, I just focus on getting through to that point I can leave.

And to a certain extent, my ex-boyfriend's dad is right that "wherever you go, there you are". So you can change your location but you're still going to be the same you with the same dislikes and insecurities, unless you figure out how to deal with that first.

That said, I realize that some people are so rooted to where they're from, living anywhere else will simply never work. I know a woman from a backwater small town in Missouri and she was absolutely miserable living in Norway. She's been back in her small town for four years and is much happier there.

What I realized is I hate small town living. I always thought I would dislike it and now I know it.

As I said, I used to travel a ton to keep myself occupied and it was working for a time. Felt as if I was in the right place, not burnt out, feeling good, experiencing the world. But I don't travel as much anymore.  I joined a hockey team even though i have to drive an hour each way to play. I still mountain bike even though the trails are very weak in comparison. I've been doing what I can to make the best of my situation. I'm cooking way more now and it helps, but you can only cook so much and many of the dishes I want to make are difficult to do so as the ingredients aren't readily available. Not a shocker of course but annoying nonetheless. My city is just not my style. It's boring, I don't enjoy going out for much more than dinner here. My German girlfriend feels the same. This isn't a case of an insecure townie lol. Bamberg is not a good fit for a city dweller used to four major sports teams 15 minutes away and the best musicians and performers in the world showing up multiple times a week. Once I cut the travel to save the culture shock started to creep. Sucks.

That's exactly the conclusion that many people have to admit. Not everyone is fit to emigrate.

There is no good or bad reason to expatriate. It's just a question of feeling ...

People like me are a special category, professional expatriates from generation to generation.

Successful relocation requires the ability to focus on the positive aspects of your host location, and not the negative ones.
You did not manage that and thus your relocation failed.
It is thus better you return - but pray that the same is not happening again there (called re-entry shock).

beppi wrote:

Successful relocation requires the ability to focus on the positive aspects of your host location, and not the negative ones.
You did not manage that and thus your relocation failed.
It is thus better you return - but pray that the same is not happening again there (called re-entry shock).

Haha I wouldn't say it failed. At all. It was a three year assignment with an expiration date. There was never a plan to stay here forever.  I accomplished what I came here to do and am just burnt out at the tail end. For the majority of the assignment I was quite positive, focusing on traveling and work experience. But as I said, as I stopped traveling the burnout creeped in.

I have zero concern of re-entry shock. Literally none. I've spent enough time back home during the assignment to know that lifestyle is my fit. Period.

phipiemar wrote:

That's exactly the conclusion that many people have to admit. Not everyone is fit to emigrate.

There is no good or bad reason to expatriate. It's just a question of feeling ...

People like me are a special category, professional expatriates from generation to generation.

Are there any non lifer expats that can relate here lmao

dphockey13 wrote:

Are there any non lifer expats that can relate here lmao

Nope.

SimCityAT wrote:

dphockey13 wrote:

Are there any non lifer expats that can relate here lmao

Nope.

Ah well. To be expected. Many forums become homogeneous echo chambers of the same opinion and mindset. Clearly I was looking for support from people who experienced being done with their expat assignment and ready to go home. What  I got was a bunch of lifers looking down their noses telling me that I suck at being an expat lol. Whatever.

dphockey13 wrote:

SimCityAT wrote:

dphockey13 wrote:

Are there any non lifer expats that can relate here lmao

Nope.

Ah well. To be expected. Many forums become homogeneous echo chambers of the same opinion and mindset. Clearly I was looking for support from people who experienced being done with their expat assignment and ready to go home. What  I got was a bunch of lifers looking down their noses telling me that I suck at being an expat lol. Whatever.

That's it, now we are entitled to the lament of the unfortunate misunderstood who believes he is the only one to have gone through moments of doubt. Do you want a handkerchief?

But what do you think? Each of us has gone at one time or another by this style of questioning. The only difference is that there are some who continue to watch the glass half full and others to watch the glass half empty.

Trust me, my glass is half full. Just not here in boring Bamberg.

phipiemar wrote:

That's it, now we are entitled to the lament of the unfortunate misunderstood who believes he is the only one to have gone through moments of doubt. Do you want a handkerchief?

But what do you think? Each of us has gone at one time or another by this style of questioning. The only difference is that there are some who continue to watch the glass half full and others to watch the glass half empty.

What dumb assumption, that I would think I believe I'm the only one to go through moments of doubt. No, expat lifer, why would I be on an internet forum looking for support if I thought I was misunderstood and the only one going through it? So dense and pretentious.

What is a "lifer"?
I have moved extensively to various countries, including return to my home country Germany for a few times. (Done with the "nomadic" life, for now, due to family reasons.) I have also, out of personal interest, spent quite some time understanding expat psychology, social integration and culture shock. And I believe your problem is not Bamberg, which is an o.k. city.

dphockey13 wrote:

Ah well. To be expected. Many forums become homogeneous echo chambers of the same opinion and mindset. Clearly I was looking for support from people who experienced being done with their expat assignment and ready to go home. What  I got was a bunch of lifers looking down their noses telling me that I suck at being an expat lol. Whatever.

you ask for how we handle it and you got answers from people with a lot of experience on the matter. The people who tried expat life and hated it, only to return home to their non-expat life can hardly be expected to be hanging out on a website that literally has expat in the name.

beppi wrote:

What is a "lifer"?
I have moved extensively to various countries, including return to my home country Germany for a few times. (Done with that, for now, due to family reasons.) I have also, out of personal interest, spent quite some time understanding expat psychology, social integration and culture shock. And I believe your problem is not Bamberg, which is an o.k. city.

Hahaha an OK city for what? Raising a family? A quiet life? 20 year old students? Groups of elderly tourists on a boat tour that can see the all of the cities sights in under two hours? Yes. Sure. For a 32 year old guy with money to spend looking for fun, entertainment, trendy restaurants, nice gyms, hot yoga, Mountain Biking, sports, etc. Not even close. Like I said, for entertainment and fun I HAD to travel. For my lifestyle, Bamberg is 100% not a fit.  All my German friends I have made in Bamberg were temporary placements, working for Bosch and the like and even they could not wait to leave this city. It depends on your perspective. For my lifestyle Bamberg is not at all a good fit.

ECS wrote:

dphockey13 wrote:

Ah well. To be expected. Many forums become homogeneous echo chambers of the same opinion and mindset. Clearly I was looking for support from people who experienced being done with their expat assignment and ready to go home. What  I got was a bunch of lifers looking down their noses telling me that I suck at being an expat lol. Whatever.

you ask for how we handle it and you got answers from people with a lot of experience on the matter. The people who tried expat life and hated it, only to return home to their non-expat life can hardly be expected to be hanging out on a website that literally has expat in the name.

Fair enough. Though you never know who is hanging out in forums. Could be someone going through what I am going through right now. Could be a new expat or a potential expat with blinders on that doesn't know the traps they could fall into and I can shed some light on why where I am isn't fitting right now but I would do it again anyways know what I know now. I'm just pushing back because a lot of this advice just seems pretentious, about higher mindsets and telling me I'm just a pessimist or insecure and that's why I failed (didn't fail, completing the assignment in full, just tired of it) rather than support and advice.

dphockey13 wrote:

Hahaha an OK city for what? Raising a family? A quiet life? 20 year old students? Groups of elderly tourists on a boat tour that can see the all of the cities sights in under two hours? Yes. Sure. For a 32 year old guy with money to spend looking for fun, entertainment, trendy restaurants, nice gyms, hot yoga, Mountain Biking, sports, etc. Not even close. Like I said, for entertainment and fun I HAD to travel. For my lifestyle, Bamberg is 100% not a fit.  [...] It depends on your perspective. For my lifestyle Bamberg is not at all a good fit.

Exactly: YOU are not a good fit for Bamberg, since you failed (or refused) to adjust your life to the local circumstances there. Nothing wrong with the place, just differs from your expectations. Bamberg won't change - if you also won't, then move!
I recommend you read the Wikipedia entry for "culture shock" (Disclaimer: It is partially authored by me). I would judge you in the "Rejector" category mentioned under "Outcomes". The fact that 60% of all expats get into this at some point of their time abroad shows that you are not alone. But that does not mean you are right.

beppi wrote:

dphockey13 wrote:

Hahaha an OK city for what? Raising a family? A quiet life? 20 year old students? Groups of elderly tourists on a boat tour that can see the all of the cities sights in under two hours? Yes. Sure. For a 32 year old guy with money to spend looking for fun, entertainment, trendy restaurants, nice gyms, hot yoga, Mountain Biking, sports, etc. Not even close. Like I said, for entertainment and fun I HAD to travel. For my lifestyle, Bamberg is 100% not a fit.  [...] It depends on your perspective. For my lifestyle Bamberg is not at all a good fit.

Exactly: YOU are not a good fit for Bamberg, since you failed (or refused) to adjust your life to the local circumstances there. Nothing wrong with the place, just differs from your expectations. Bamberg won't change - if you also won't, then move!
I recommend you read the Wikipedia entry for "culture shock" (Disclaimer: It is partially authored by me). I would judge you in the "Rejector" category mentioned under "Outcomes". The fact that 60% of all expats get into this at some point of their time abroad shows that you are not alone. But that does not mean you are right.

Lol this is simply pedantic. Bamberg isn’t a fit for me. I’m not a fit for Bamberg. It’s the same thing. I’m not right? About what lmao. This is subjective and simply personal opinion. Bamberg IS an ok city. For some people. It is beyond boring and slow by a number measures.  Not for me. Not for many. Not even for my GERMAN girlfriend. Please. I’m sorry it offends you that a boring German town of 70k is boring to a young man in his prime.

In regards to moving, I am. My assignment is a three year contract and then I go back. You think I chose this place? Hahahaha I was sent here.

If you remove the word "German", I agree:
A town of 70k can be boring to a young man in his prime.
But it can also be exciting to another young man.
To each his own!

Do you speak Gerrman dphockey13?

SimCityAT wrote:

Do you speak Gerrman dphockey13?

I do on a B2 level but it's irrelevant to my issues with Bamberg. Speaking German isn't going to make my hockey arena closer, the mountain bike trails good, or any sort of worthwhile entertainment options appear in Bamberg. I made a number of German friends here, including a girlfriend, but because Bamberg is such a temporary town, almost all of them have moved to different parts of Germany. So making new friends every six to twelve months is part of the grind, which I am now completely done with. My Spanish friend just moved back to Spain because he couldn't deal with Bamberg anymore. So again, I have to travel just to spend time with friends or sporadically when they visit.

Listen this forum is completely unsupportive. In two other forums I received an out pouring of support and good advice, not pretentious higher mind BS. You're clearly probing with the German question so you can blame me for my "failure" here. You guys can kick rocks.

dphockey13 wrote:

SimCityAT wrote:

Do you speak Gerrman dphockey13?

I do on a B2 level but it's irrelevant to my issues with Bamberg. Speaking German isn't going to make my hockey arena closer, the mountain bike trails good, or any sort of worthwhile entertainment options appear in Bamberg. I made a number of German friends here, including a girlfriend, but because Bamberg is such a temporary town, almost all of them have moved to different parts of Germany. So making new friends every six to twelve months is part of the grind, which I am now completely done with. My Spanish friend just moved back to Spain because he couldn't deal with Bamberg anymore. So again, I have to travel just to spend time with friends or sporadically when they visit.

Listen this forum is completely unsupportive. In two other forums I received an out pouring of support and good advice, not pretentious higher mind BS. You're clearly probing with the German question so you can blame me for my "failure" here. You guys can kick rocks.

I really don't know what you expected from us, you are leaving in a few months so you can go back to your happy life in the States, enjoy Sunday & 24-hour shops. If you came to us a few years ago, I am sure members could try and make your stay more bearable.

I didn’t expect people to be pretentious about someone going through natural culture shock that according to the expert here, 60% of us go through.