LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

I'd decided to change the password on my computer, and I chose "incorrect".

That way, If I forget it my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect".

Saw two blind guys in town today having a fist fight.

Wanting to break it up, I yelled, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

They both ran away.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire... I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 35+ years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as I...

"Yes. yes, I did,'' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I happily exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that

ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

gray-haired,

decrepit,

idiot,

asked me,

"What subject did you teach?"

Oh my, now there's a cheeky lass!

Those ancient Sumerian statues always remind me of me and my friends back in the early 80s, asking each other before heading home...

"Do I look high?"

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A priest, a politician, and an engineer are condemned to death and are queued up by the guillotine.

The priest is slated to go first and the exchange goes like this:

Executioner [to priest]: Would you like to go face down or face up?

Priest: I want to face the heavens as I meet my maker.

(Lies down face up. The blade comes down, but inexplicably stops a millimeter from the exposed neck. The crowd goes wild, people shouting, "It's a miracle." The priest is released unharmed. Next up, the politician.)

Executioner: Would you like to go face down or face up?

Politician: Well, face up seems to have a certain "je ne sais quoi." I'll go face up.

(Lies down face up. The blade comes down, but inexplicably stops a millimeter from the exposed neck. The crowd goes wild, people shouting, "It's a miracle." The politician is released unharmed. Next up, the engineer.)

Executioner: Would you like to go face down or face up.

Engineer: I'll go face up.

Engineer [lying face up under the blade]: Oh, I see the problem!

Okay, no joke, but this is pretty damn funny.

Go to Google Translate

Leave the search field as "Detect Language"

paste these three words...

poopen sharten farten

Okay, no joke, but this is pretty damn funny.
Go to Google Translate
Leave the search field as "Detect Language"
paste these three words...
poopen sharten farten - @Aidan in HCMC

I smacked an Indian dude in the mouth for saying that to me - My bad 🤣

@Fred

Can't believe I agreed to the poopen sharten farten before I read it.

Okay, no joke, but this is pretty damn funny.
Go to Google Translate
Leave the search field as "Detect Language"
paste these three words...
poopen sharten farten - @Aidan in HCMC

Made my day 🤣

@Fred
Can't believe I agreed to the poopen sharten farten before I read it. - @Aidan in HCMC

I tend not to read them because they are poopen

Why do Australians go up at the end of a sentence? Because their ancestors went down at the beginning of theirs.

(Barry Cryer, on the origins of 'upspeak' coming from Australian soaps)

GF was watching a video, and asked me why the lady was laughing so much. She was pausing the video and reading the comments but wasn't understanding very well, so she asked me to help her understand what was so funny.

I was laughing out loud. The comments are genius. Explaining what they mean will take a bit of time.

Laughter really is infectious.

A college professor introduces herself to the class, proudly adding...

"In protest over the subjugation of women by our patriarchal society, I changed my surname to my mother's maiden name."

From back of the class...

"So, you're using your grandfather's name?"

Guy goes back to his doctor for his follow-up appointment.

Doc says, "Well, I've got some bad news, and I've got some worse news. What'd you like first?"

Guy says, "Gimme' the bad news first, doc."

"Well, test results show you've only got 24 hours left to live"

Guy asks, "What the hell can be worse than that?!"

Doc says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

Guy goes to his doctor.

Guy: Doc, I've got this terrible flatulence problem! It's not making any noise or anything and there's no bad smell, either, but it just goes on and on making me very uncomfortable.

Doc: Take one of these pills every day and come back and see me in a week.

[one week later]

Guy: Holy smokes, doc, the flatulence is no better or worse, but oh, the smell! It's terrible. I can't go anywhere because I'm afraid people will know it's coming from me!

Doc: Well, your sense of smell has returned. Now, let's go to work on your hearing.

Guy goes to his doctor.
Guy: Doc, I've got this terrible flatulence problem! It's not making any noise or anything and there's no bad smell, either, but it just goes on and on making me very uncomfortable.
Doc: Take one of these pills every day and come back and see me in a week.
[one week later]
Guy: Holy smokes, doc, the flatulence is no better or worse, but oh, the smell! It's terrible. I can't go anywhere because I'm afraid people will know it's coming from me!
Doc: Well, your sense of smell has returned. Now, let's go to work on your hearing. - @Lennerd

🤣🤣

A guy and his friend are up on a hill, testing the new scope on his rifle.

Looking through the scope, the friend says, "Hey, I can see your house from here. And you're not going to like this, but I can see your wife is cheating on you with another man."

Guy says, "Damn!! I want you to shoot her in the head, and shoot the man in his private parts!!"

Friend says, "I can do that with a single round."

A prominent attorney dies and finds himself in a long queue (line, Americans) leading up to the Pearly Gates. He can't believe how slowly the queue is moving so he steps out of line and walks to the front of the queue.

There, St. Peter admonishes him to wait his turn and sends him back to his place in the queue. Hours pass.

Then, a old-ish guy in hospital scrubs with a stethoscope draped over his neck walks past him, past all the others in the queue, and up to the front, right past St. Peter and through the Pearly Gates.

The lawyer, by now incensed by his time waiting in the queue, storms to the front and confronts St. Peter.

Lawyer [shouting]: I've been waiting in this line for hours. Now, this guy in hospital scrubs walks past all of us in the queue, walks right by you, and into the gates. I demand to know what's going on and why we're having to wait all this time. Who is that guy anyway that makes him think he can just skip the queue?

St. Peter: Oh! That was God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.