LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH
An Irish family falls on hard times at the death of their father. The three brothers decide that they must go out into the world to seek their fortunes. One brother will stay in Ireland to look after their mum, one brother will go to Australia to make a bundle, and the third brother to New York where he'll do his best to make money and send some back to support dear old mum. The three brothers agree that they will always remember each other by buying a drink for the absent two brothers.
The brother who goes to New York walks into a bar and orders three whiskeys and three beer chasers. Bartender sets him up. This goes on for weeks. Eventually, the bar tender screws up his courage and asks, Why it is that no matter what you're drinking you always order three of them? The brother explains the situation.
Years pass with this pattern unchanged.
One day, the Irishman goes into the bar and orders two Guinness's. The bartender, draws the pints into the glasses and thinks to himself, ach, one of his brothers has died. He goes to set the glasses in front of the man and says, I hope this doesn't mean there's been a death in the family.
Oh, no, says the Irishman, nothing like that. My doctor told me I had to quit drinking, so I did.
ESL teacher's instruction to students.
"Please explain what is described in the following sentence;
At Thanksgiving, Gord gored the gourd."
A man walks into a zoo.
He looks everywhere but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shih Tzu...
Why you can't have 3 drumsticks... 🐔 🍗
I ordered on the same day, from Amazon, a chicken and an egg. In a week I'll be able to tell you which came first.
If you take out a standard home loan (mortgage) in the USA you'll be paying it back for 30 years.
If you rob a bank there you'll be out of prison in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice...
If you take out a standard home loan (mortgage) in the USA you'll be paying it back for 30 years.
If you rob a bank there you'll be out of prison in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice... - @OceanBeach92107
You might not get to keep the money if you rob a bank. . . If you pay off the mortgage, you get to keep the house, well, maybe.
If you take out a standard home loan (mortgage) in the USA you'll be paying it back for 30 years.
If you rob a bank there you'll be out of prison in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advice... - @OceanBeach92107
You might not get to keep the money if you rob a bank. . . If you pay off the mortgage, you get to keep the house, well, maybe.
- @Lennerd
So now you are channeling my mother? 😉
#PartyPooper
Visited my solicitor to help complete and notarize my final will and testament.
He asked me whether upon my death I wanted to be buried, or cremated. I said, "Surprise me".
Marvel is reportedly launching a new superheroes series, featuring a team of mutant trans-women superheroes.
They're called, "The Ex-Men".
🎶...YGDIH...🎶 🎅🎅🎅
@OceanBeach92107
Okay, I give up. I've been scratching my head, my R's, and everything in between, but I still don't get it.
Is that Rudolph? Guitar chords? I know I'll feel dumb when you tell me, but the curiosity is killing me.
GO ON THEN! TELL ME!
(please)
@OceanBeach92107
Okay, I give up. I've been scratching my head, my R's, and everything in between, but I still don't get it.
Is that Rudolph? Guitar chords? I know I'll feel dumb when you tell me, but the curiosity is killing me.
GO ON THEN! TELL ME!
(please) - @Aidan in HCMC
You'll go down in history - as obvious as it is crass, isn't it?
@Fred
OFFS!
Duh is me.
I went to the doctor because at my age I thought I had arthritis, but turns out I don't. I have what's called "early onset rigor mortis".
A man and a dog go into a bar.
Bartender: Sir, you can't come in here with a dog.
Man: But this is a talking dog!
Bartender, getting irritated: It doesn't matter if the dog is a talking dog. You can't bring a dog in here, get out!
Man [to dog]: What do you call the part of the golf course off to the side of the fairway?
Dog: Rough! Rough!
Man [to dog]: What do you call the outside part of a tree trunk?
Dog: Bark! Bark!
Man [to dog]: What do you call the top part of a house?
Dog: Roof! Roof!
Bartender, very irritated: Get that dog out of here before I throw you out!
Man and dog exit out onto the sidewalk outside the bar.
Dog, looking up at the man: Which one did I get wrong?
Did you hear about the Amish girl who was excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.
What do you call an Amish man with his arm up the arse of a horse? The mechanic.
@Aidan in HCMC,
A friend of mine, now deceased, grew up on a farm in west-central Minnesota. The county agricultural assistance program included the service of artificial insemination of his dad's cows. The man who did the work, very much like having his arm up to the shoulder in the operational orifice of a cow, was referred to by the family as The County Bull.
I picked up a hitch-hiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger.
He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him I wasn't too concerned because the chances would be astronomical for two serial killers to be riding in the same car.
The cops were called to a ditch beside the road, just out of town.
As reported, they found a corpse there. Upon close examination by the county coroner, the body was found to have every orifice stuffed with Cheerios -- belly button, ears, nose, mouth, other. . . .
They called it a cereal killing.
There's an email going around offering discount coupons for a processed pork, gelatin and salt luncheon meat. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT! It’s spam.
Two friends are talking.
Man 1: Man, I had a real doozy of a fight with my wife last night. She just won't look at my side of the issue.
Man 2: Hey. Maybe you just need to let go of what you're clinging to and give her a break.
Man 1: I am not going to give her a break.
Man 2: Well, maybe if you pray for her happiness you will be able to let go of it all.
Man 1: Wait a minute! I thought you were an atheist. Why would an atheist ask me to pray for my wife?
Man 2: I am an atheist, just not a good one.
You think that you know people well, and then you find out that you really don't.
There's this guy down the street from me who got arrested today.
He's a dentist, but he got arrested for drug dealing.
I've actually been going to him for the full 3 years since I met him, and I never ever would have believed that he was a dentist...
A truck full of toupees was stolen last night. The police are combing the area.
The decaffeinating of coffee beans is attained by repeatedly dousing the beans in a chlorine or acetone solution. By the sounds of it a better name for the final product would be, "coffinated".
I saw a woman talking to her cat today, and she actually thought the cat understood her.
I told my dog about it when I got home...we both had a good laugh.
I just bought a new tv and it says "Built In Antenna"
I don't have a clue where that is...
I just bought a new tv and it says "Built In Antenna"
I don't have a clue where that is... - @OceanBeach92107
10% tariff on Antenna products
I'll get my coat 😎
I made it myself.
If you think you are smarter than the previous generation:
50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves.
Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery...
I asked my friend in North Korea how he was doing.
He said, "I can't complain."
If you think you are smarter than the previous generation:
50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves.
Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery... - @OceanBeach92107
Is that because the valves adjust themselves?
When Richard Nixon graduated from high school, his family chipped in and gave him a watch.
When JFK graduated from high school, his family chipped in and gave him a million dollars because he already had a watch.
--Richard Armor in "It all started with Columbus"
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age... - @OceanBeach92107
Robin Willians, that great but slightly dead commedian, descriped baby poop as "Part chemical weapon, part velcro".
When Richard Nixon graduated from high school, his family chipped in and gave him a watch. - @Lennerd
When I graduated high school my parents asked me what I wanted.
"I wanna watch", I replied.
They let me.
👨✈️🛫
I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope.
Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon...
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