LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

A buddy of mine was telling me that he hadn't had a TV in his home since his divorce, and that he was glad to be rid of it..

I told him I was the same. There's nothing worse than having that thing blaring senseless annoying ramblings at you all the time from the minute you get home totally disrupting your thought patterns. The TV, at least, could be turned off.

In the old days, three Irish brothers and their widowed mother fall on hard times. The three brothers decide that two of them are going to seek their fortunes in America and Australia and the third brother will stay in Ireland to look after their mother.

Before the two brothers take off for foreign lands, they agree that when they order drinks at a pub, they will always order three drinks, one for themselves and two for the absent but not forgotten brothers.

The brother in America lands in New York City, finds and job and to celebrate goes to a pub. He orders three shots of whiskey and three stouts. The bartender sets them up without question.

A week goes by. And one day the bartender, curiosity getting the best of him, asks the Irishman why he always orders three drinks. The brother explains the situation and the bartender nods in agreement that this is a fitting way for him to remember his family.

Years pass. One day, the Irishman enters the bar and orders only two whiskeys and two stouts. The bartender pours them out and says to the brother, "I hope this doesn't mean there's been a death in the family."

The brother replies, "Oh hell no. My doctor told me to quit drinking, so I did."

So I'd been reading quite a bit about China digging some very deep hole and I wondered why they'd do this since they're already in China.

Capitalism is when man exploits man. Communism is the other way around.

****

@goodolboy

oh my...

@goodolboy
oh my...
-@Aidan in HCMC

bet them bikes cost a few bob new

I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to explain the birds & the bees. The bees & the bees. The birds & the birds. The birds that used to be bees. The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still got a stinger.

My wife called me a transvestite, so I packed her things and left...

@Aidan in HCMC What did the transvestite say when your wife called?

@Lennerd

Me (to bartender): Call me a cab.

Bartender: You're a cab.

Take me drunk. I'm home...

Phyllis Diller - One Line Doosies That Were Her Brand

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Know what the difference is between my dog and my wife?

The later I come home at night, the happier my dog is to see me.

FOX News is expected to announce the replacement host for their prime time news hour show will be none other than Dylan Mulvaney. The show will be billed as "Tucked Carlson Tonight".

@goodolboy LOL!

@Lennerd

Funny stuff.

I actually quit drinking due to those St Patty's Day celebrations back in New York. Honestly man, can even remember 'em. I call it The Missing Chapters.

@Aidan in HCMC

Right on to you and your buddy. I don't have one either. When I get home, in the background is either a podcast, John Coltrane or Antonio Vivaldi.

I asked my dad if our family are all pyromaniacs?

He said, "Yes, we arson."

<groan>

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.

The bartender says, "You mean a martini, right?"

Roman says, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

An ESL teacher related the events surrounding a comprehension test he had given to one of his Vietnamese students, to whom he reluctantly awarded a score of 100%.

Teacher: "Run to the store and get me a loaf of "Banh My". If they have eggs, get me a dozen"

The student returned with 12 loaves.

"There goes the girl in the convertible with the red hair."

I find it difficult explaining puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I went to a liberal bookstore today.

I asked if they had that new book on how to evict my rent delinquent, woke, left wing feminist tenant.

The clerk said, "Get the F**k out of here and dont come back!"

I said, "Yeah, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"

I went to a liberal bookstore today.
I asked if they had that new book on how to evict my rent delinquent, woke, left wing feminist tenant.
The clerk said, "Get the F**k out of here and dont come back!"
I said, "Yeah, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"
-@Aidan in HCMC

@goodolboy

Priceless! LOL!

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here".

A time traveler walks into a bar.