How to show respect when visiting parents and family of the girlfriend

Sure that she is your gf? Sounds pretty weird to me...

Because you are coming "as a friend" don't worry too much about the parents and since you are a "a friend" don't come bearing excessive gifts.  the expectation limit is low.  Forget about using this to repair with your GF because anything you do along that vein will be construed by them as you are more than a friend.  It would be too much.  Bring something simple for the parents that isn't too over the top and deal with the GF separately after you are back home.  Like some chocolates or flowers (but don't buy  the yellow "dead person" flowers.  I did that for my wife (then GF) and she laughed and told me what they were for and that it was cute becuase I was so clueless.  I literally just bought them on a whim one day when I was buying noodles.  We cut the top off a water bottle and put them in it and laughed about what a kind idiot I was.  It still worked.

Whatever @Ciambella says to do, if she replies, forget about anything I said and blindly follow what she says to do.  Period.

duinuernberger wrote:

Sure that she is your gf? Sounds pretty weird to me...

This guy you can forget about.  Another clueless foreigner that knows nothing about Vietnamese culture.

Aha, how do you know? I am interested where you take this knowledge from. Tell me. 99% of the people proceed from themselves

Hi. I get what you mean....it is a tricky thing indeed. But yes, she is my gf. Her and me settled that. But also, as colinscapee mentiones, Vietnamese culture is so intricate sometimes and much less straightforward than our culture. In our culture it would be a no-brainer. "Hey Mr and Ms., by the way, i'm dating your daughter and we are having a great time in the bedroom." No gifts needed, no explanations needed. I have found out that here it is much more tricky and it is easy to upset someone if you say or do the wrong things. So, I just want to learn, thats all.

Hope Ciambella pick up on the post then. But your hints are already good and sound like what I wanted to do. I have a 6h drive to her hometown, so flowers wont probably it. Chocolate sounds good. But I will ask my gf what gifts to bring so they feel happy and comfortable. Its good to know anyhow that I shouldnt do too much more than just bring some simple gifts.

And concerning my gf? back in Saigon or there....how can you show a Vietnamese gf that you very much respect her? And dont tell me buy her a diamond necklace. That might cheer her materialistic vein up for sure and make her happy, sure. But not show her that I respect her. And that is what its about. How can I do that in the best way?

danrodri wrote:

Hope Ciambella pick up on the post then. But your hints are already good and sound like what I wanted to do. I have a 6h drive to her hometown, so flowers wont probably it. Chocolate sounds good. But I will ask my gf what gifts to bring so they feel happy and comfortable. Its good to know anyhow that I shouldnt do too much more than just bring some simple gifts.

And concerning my gf? back in Saigon or there....how can you show a Vietnamese gf that you very much respect her? And dont tell me buy her a diamond necklace. That might cheer her materialistic vein up for sure and make her happy, sure. But not show her that I respect her. And that is what its about. How can I do that in the best way?

Buy her a banh mi and bubble tea and look lovingly into her eyes across the small plastic table and chair.

colinoscapee wrote:

danrodri wrote:

Hope Ciambella pick up on the post then. But your hints are already good and sound like what I wanted to do. I have a 6h drive to her hometown, so flowers wont probably it. Chocolate sounds good. But I will ask my gf what gifts to bring so they feel happy and comfortable. Its good to know anyhow that I shouldnt do too much more than just bring some simple gifts.

And concerning my gf? back in Saigon or there....how can you show a Vietnamese gf that you very much respect her? And dont tell me buy her a diamond necklace. That might cheer her materialistic vein up for sure and make her happy, sure. But not show her that I respect her. And that is what its about. How can I do that in the best way?

Buy her a banh mi and bubble tea and look lovingly into her eyes across the small plastic table and chair.

I get the romantic moment, and I appreciate the idea. But I really would like to know if there are specific ways to show your respect to her. Symbolic gifts showing respect, or some "ritual" to show respect, or a specific way to act to show respect. Is for example Em yeu respectful? Or is there a way to address your gf that is more respectful? I know that in Vietnam, language can go miles to show your respect.

danrodri It sounds to me that's she's on chapter 2 of the famous Vietnamese book "How to train a western boy friend" and doing a really good job I might add.

Rick

Budman1 wrote:

danrodri It sounds to me that's she's on chapter 2 of the famous Vietnamese book "How to train a western boy friend" and doing a really good job I might add.

Rick

I'll take that as a compliment for her and me
I'm happy to learn. She is worth every sweat and tear

danrodri wrote:

Budman1 wrote:

danrodri It sounds to me that's she's on chapter 2 of the famous Vietnamese book "How to train a western boy friend" and doing a really good job I might add.

Rick

I'll take that as a compliment for her and me
I'm happy to learn. She is worth every sweat and tear

I think you are overthinking this. I have been with my wife for 6-years, never once thought " How can I show her respect". Respect is a two-way street, show it and you will receive it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the woman is in control of this relationship. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the way you come across.

Good luck.

colinoscapee wrote:

danrodri wrote:

Budman1 wrote:

danrodri It sounds to me that's she's on chapter 2 of the famous Vietnamese book "How to train a western boy friend" and doing a really good job I might add.

Rick

I'll take that as a compliment for her and me
I'm happy to learn. She is worth every sweat and tear

I think you are overthinking this. I have been with my wife for 6-years, never once thought " How can I show her respect". Respect is a two-way street, show it and you will receive it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the woman is in control of this relationship. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the way you come across.

Good luck.

I also believe that a relationship is a two way street. Your history with your wife might have taken other turns and had other challenges than we are facing. I am facing this challenge of wanting to show respect to her, maybe you faced others. if we believe in the relation, we will invest into it. And one thing I can say for sure: she has never tried to take advantage of me. Although she could have. She is not a gold-digger, I can 100% assure you.

danrodri wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

danrodri wrote:

I'll take that as a compliment for her and me
I'm happy to learn. She is worth every sweat and tear

I think you are overthinking this. I have been with my wife for 6-years, never once thought " How can I show her respect". Respect is a two-way street, show it and you will receive it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the woman is in control of this relationship. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the way you come across.

Good luck.

I also believe that a relationship is a two way street. Your history with your wife might have taken other turns and had other challenges than we are facing. I am facing this challenge of wanting to show respect to her, maybe you faced others. if we believe in the relation, we will invest into it. And one thing I can say for sure: she has never tried to take advantage of me. Although she could have. She is not a gold-digger, I can 100% assure you.

She hasn't got to chapter 5 yet.

Rick

danrodri wrote:

Her and me had some recent issue where she felt disrespected by me and it is weighing heavy on her. I would like to mend things taking this opportunity. Any suggestions how I can very respectful show my greatest respect first to her but maybe also to her parents?

Questions:

1- Did she tell you why she feel disrespected? 
2- If she did not, did you ask? 
3- If you did ask, how did you phrase the question?

My initial thoughts:

1- In most scenarios, Vietnamese women do not react while they're being unfairly treated.  Instead, they contain their emotions until they burst.   

2 & 3 - Also in most scenarios, when men want to know why their wives/gf are upset with them, they're more than likely use the wrong language.  In general, when being confronted, men tend to become defensive so they would say, "What [the hell] did I do?"  That question (with or without the curse) belongs in an argument and not an effective tool to understand a woman's mind.

I may be able to help once I know the cause of her unhappiness.

BTW, respecting her parents and respecting her feelings are two different things.  The same method doesn't help you to achieve both goals.

Ciambella wrote:

danrodri wrote:

Her and me had some recent issue where she felt disrespected by me and it is weighing heavy on her. I would like to mend things taking this opportunity. Any suggestions how I can very respectful show my greatest respect first to her but maybe also to her parents?

Questions:

1- Did she tell you why she feel disrespected? 
2- If she did not, did you ask? 
3- If you did ask, how did you phrase the question?

My initial thoughts:

1- In common scenarios, Vietnamese women do not react while they're being unfairly treated.  Instead, they contain their emotions until they burst.   

2 & 3 - Also in common scenarios, when the men want to know why their wives/gf are upset with them, they're more than likely use the wrong language.  In general, when being confronted, men tend to become defensive so they would say, "What [the hell] did I do?"  That question (with or without the curse) belongs in an argument and not an effective tool to understand a woman's mind.

I may be able to help once I know the cause of her unhappiness.

BTW, respecting her parents and respecting her feelings are two different things.  The same method doesn't help you to achieve both goals.

Thank you, what you are saying is already very good. Allow me to answer you privately.

danrodri wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

danrodri wrote:

I'll take that as a compliment for her and me
I'm happy to learn. She is worth every sweat and tear

I think you are overthinking this. I have been with my wife for 6-years, never once thought " How can I show her respect". Respect is a two-way street, show it and you will receive it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the woman is in control of this relationship. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the way you come across.

Good luck.

I also believe that a relationship is a two way street. Your history with your wife might have taken other turns and had other challenges than we are facing. I am facing this challenge of wanting to show respect to her, maybe you faced others. if we believe in the relation, we will invest into it. And one thing I can say for sure: she has never tried to take advantage of me. Although she could have. She is not a gold-digger, I can 100% assure you.

Nowhere did I say she took advantage of you.

Maybe its time to speak to someone professional.

I see that you have only been here for 8-months, it seems that you may have jumped into a relationship with the first girl who fluttered her eyes.

I was here for 8-years before getting married, I have a feeling you may be taking this all a bit too serious.

danrodri wrote:

The parents do not know about us and for my gf it is not the time to tell them.

I'll add that they may not know now but when you and your friends get there they'll have an assumption because not many foreigners I know go to the Mekong to visit a local Vietnamese “friend” that's female. Heads up, they will try to get you drunk first and interrogate you after.

colinoscapee wrote:

danrodri wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

I think you are overthinking this. I have been with my wife for 6-years, never once thought " How can I show her respect". Respect is a two-way street, show it and you will receive it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the woman is in control of this relationship. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the way you come across.

Good luck.

I also believe that a relationship is a two way street. Your history with your wife might have taken other turns and had other challenges than we are facing. I am facing this challenge of wanting to show respect to her, maybe you faced others. if we believe in the relation, we will invest into it. And one thing I can say for sure: she has never tried to take advantage of me. Although she could have. She is not a gold-digger, I can 100% assure you.

Nowhere did I say she took advantage of you.

Maybe its time to speak to someone professional.

I see that you have only been here for 8-months, it seems that you may have jumped into a relationship with the first girl who fluttered her eyes.

I was here for 8-years before getting married, I have a feeling you may be taking this all a bit too serious.

Yes, I know you did not say that. Just maybe some other users might have jumped to that conclusion and I just wanted to state it clearly. Thank you for your reply. I am new here, as you say. Thats why I want to learn from the "experts" like you. I'm taking yours and the other advices serious. Thank you very much. It's not the first girl I am dating. But she is the first girl I want to be my gf, and not just date. Anyhow...thanks for the good wishes.

CoderX10 wrote:

danrodri wrote:

The parents do not know about us and for my gf it is not the time to tell them.

I'll add that they may not know now but when you and your friends get there they'll have an assumption because not many foreigners I know go to the Mekong to visit a local Vietnamese “friend” that's female. Heads up, they will try to get you drunk first and interrogate you after.

Thanks. Under normal conditions that could actually well happen. And the place she is from is REALLY not visited by foreigners. Its a very southern province and then not even the province capital but a small village there. Now, the reason they will not be able to make me or anyone drunk is the quarantine that is enforced currently by that province for ppl coming from Saigon. As my gf inquired with the authorities, they allow short visits for example to pick someone up, but they dont allow extended visits and not staying over, unless you do a 21 day quarantine. So, I will need to drive out after 2h or so...and as I drive, I will not drink (much).
Maybe your advice is well for the next time...but things might be quite different next time already.

danrodri wrote:

CoderX10 wrote:

danrodri wrote:

The parents do not know about us and for my gf it is not the time to tell them.

I'll add that they may not know now but when you and your friends get there they'll have an assumption because not many foreigners I know go to the Mekong to visit a local Vietnamese “friend” that's female. Heads up, they will try to get you drunk first and interrogate you after.

Thanks. Under normal conditions that could actually well happen. And the place she is from is REALLY not visited by foreigners. Its a very southern province and then not even the province capital but a small village there. Now, the reason they will not be able to make me or anyone drunk is the quarantine that is enforced currently by that province for ppl coming from Saigon. As my gf inquired with the authorities, they allow short visits for example to pick someone up, but they dont allow extended visits and not staying over, unless you do a 21 day quarantine. So, I will need to drive out after 2h or so...and as I drive, I will not drink (much).
Maybe your advice is well for the next time...but things might be quite different next time already.

Ok, now it's more clearer. A foreigner visiting a female “friend” in the Mekong where foreigners don't usually visit, coming from HCMC during this difficult time of Covid and can only visit for 2 hours? Yea, they know. You might as well bring the ring and some money and ask for her hand while you are there because based on what I describe, they already know.

Folks --

Danrodri has shared the full story with me.  Based on what he wrote, it seems that he has found an ethical and self-respect woman, a gem to be treasured, 

I've given him some advices on how to clear up the muddle with the gf.  As how to show respect to her parents, it's simple stuff, he doesn't need me for that.

I don't think he needs to bring the ring to the Mekong, BTW, if everything he told me was the exact truth and not just his projection.

Im glad I didnt have to go through all this. My inlaws let my wife do what she thought is best, being nearly the same age as my inlaws we dont have that generational gap.

Ciambella wrote:

Folks --

Danrodri has shared the full story with me.  Based on what he wrote, it seems that he has found an ethical and self-respect woman, a gem to be treasured, 

I've given him some advices on how to clear up the muddle with the gf.  As how to show respect to her parents, it's simple stuff, he doesn't need me for that.

I don't think he needs to bring the ring to the Mekong, BTW, if everything he told me was the exact truth and not just his projection.

Danrodri it appears you have the blessing of Ms C on this ..... So before you head down here to the Delta if you haven't installed these apps make sure everybody in your party to include the driver has them on their phones. Here's the link:

https://play.google.com/store/search?q=ncovi&hl=en (first two, NCOVI & BLUEZONE)

In just a short 40 min drive into Can Tho yesterday I went through three check points. They are serious about keeping that virus out of this area and they are doing a dang good job of it also I might add.

Rick

danrodri wrote:

Hi, here is a delicate matter but I am sure someone can help me. I'm soon visiting my gf for the first time in her hometown. The parents do not know about us and for my gf it is not the time to tell them. So, I will arrive with some friends just as a friend. Her and me had some recent issue where she felt disrespected by me and it is weighing heavy on her. I would like to mend things taking this opportunity. Any suggestions how I can very respectful show my greatest respect first to her but maybe also to her parents? With the parents, the tricky thing is that they would receive me as a simple friend, I cannot show more than that. So, showing them "too much respect" would make my gf uncomfortable.
But more than anything I would like to show my gf that i do respect her very much. She is from Mekong btw.
Any suggestions? Thank you community

You are in Good Hands with Ciambella.

She personally helped me dodge at least a couple of bullets during my time in Vietnam.

My experience:

I was in a number of relationships before I met my partner from Quảng Ngãi.

One thing ALL of those women--including my partner--had in common: when I even hinted that I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend, my days of even casual conversation with other women were supposed to be OVER!

Totally!

No chatting it up with the vendors in the market or a coffee shop waitress or a woman walking down the street with her baby.

Not even joking around with her best friend or her sister or her cousin.

Because in "my experience", when a guy tells a traditional Vietnamese woman that he wants to be her boyfriend, she immediately starts sizing  him up with a "husband" measuring tape.

That doesn't mean there's anything sinister motivating her.

But for many traditional Vietnamese women, there's really no such thing as dating.

There is what might be called "courting", and there is marriage.

Even though I don't know all the facts, my guess is that your girlfriend feels you have crossed that line into courting her.

She simply may not value the title girlfriend very much, unless it means that you're moving seriously toward something greater.

And certainly her parents don't understand boyfriend/girlfriend.

They also understand courting and marriage or simply being an acquaintance, especially if you are significantly older than their daughter.

So I'm going to guess that your major mistake has been a failure to focus only on her.

If that's the problem in her eyes, then she knows it's going to be a problem if she introduces you to her parents.

And honestly, from the way you've written your post, it seems you probably aren't really thinking about marriage yet.

So I think you can't really respect her or her parents until you decide what you really want.

Once you clarify that in your own mind, then you will know how to respect her, and she will want her parents to meet that man.

SteinNebraska wrote:

duinuernberger wrote:

Sure that she is your gf? Sounds pretty weird to me...

This guy you can forget about.  Another clueless foreigner that knows nothing about Vietnamese culture.

I agree with duinernberger & who are you to question his reply. All sorts of things done in the past here that are not expected to be done in 2021. Been here for nearly 14 years & from 2008 to 2017 in a relationship & just acted as myself. No bowing & eating after the parents had started etc etc like I see muted often by people living in the past. Been in a relationship now with Ms My for 3 years & met her parents once (they are also from Mekong) As far as I am concerned I am the main man in this relationship & wont kiss any a** just to suck up to someone I dont even know or care about. She is happy enough with our relationship & nothing to do with her parents or family.
Said before on here if you want respect from the family.......bung them all into a minibus & head for the nearest all you can eat beer &  BBQ joint & the bill is on you. (after covid that is)
Start sucking up to the family to gain brownie points is just an opening for them to suck everything they can get out of you & there are lots here that can testify to that.

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

My experience:

I was in a number of relationships before I met my partner from Quảng Ngãi.

One thing ALL of those women--including my partner--had in common: when I even hinted that I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend, my days of even casual conversation with other women were supposed to be OVER!

Totally!

No chatting it up with the vendors in the market or a coffee shop waitress or a woman walking down the street with her baby.

Not even joking around with her best friend or her sister or her cousin.

Because in "my experience", when a guy tells a traditional Vietnamese woman that he wants to be her boyfriend, she immediately starts sizing  him up with a "husband" measuring tape.

That doesn't mean there's anything sinister motivating her.

But for many traditional Vietnamese women, there's really no such thing as dating.

There is what might be called "courting", and there is marriage.

Even though I don't know all the facts, my guess is that your girlfriend feels you have crossed that line into courting her.

She simply may not value the title girlfriend very much, unless it means that you're moving seriously toward something greater.

And certainly her parents don't understand boyfriend/girlfriend.

They also understand courting and marriage or simply being an acquaintance, especially if you are significantly older than their daughter.

So I'm going to guess that your major mistake has been a failure to focus only on her.

This is a very good summary of the situation. The focus is mostly limited to finding a marriage partner for the purposes of procreation.

You might remember a certain poster on this forum who is married to a local and stated that he's happily his wife's "property" now.

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

danrodri wrote:

Hi, here is a delicate matter but I am sure someone can help me. I'm soon visiting my gf for the first time in her hometown. The parents do not know about us and for my gf it is not the time to tell them. So, I will arrive with some friends just as a friend. Her and me had some recent issue where she felt disrespected by me and it is weighing heavy on her. I would like to mend things taking this opportunity. Any suggestions how I can very respectful show my greatest respect first to her but maybe also to her parents? With the parents, the tricky thing is that they would receive me as a simple friend, I cannot show more than that. So, showing them "too much respect" would make my gf uncomfortable.
But more than anything I would like to show my gf that i do respect her very much. She is from Mekong btw.
Any suggestions? Thank you community

You are in Good Hands with Ciambella.

She personally helped me dodge at least a couple of bullets during my time in Vietnam.

My experience:

I was in a number of relationships before I met my partner from Quảng Ngãi.

One thing ALL of those women--including my partner--had in common: when I even hinted that I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend, my days of even casual conversation with other women were supposed to be OVER!

Totally!

No chatting it up with the vendors in the market or a coffee shop waitress or a woman walking down the street with her baby.

Not even joking around with her best friend or her sister or her cousin.

Because in "my experience", when a guy tells a traditional Vietnamese woman that he wants to be her boyfriend, she immediately starts sizing  him up with a "husband" measuring tape.

That doesn't mean there's anything sinister motivating her.

But for many traditional Vietnamese women, there's really no such thing as dating.

There is what might be called "courting", and there is marriage.

Even though I don't know all the facts, my guess is that your girlfriend feels you have crossed that line into courting her.

She simply may not value the title girlfriend very much, unless it means that you're moving seriously toward something greater.

And certainly her parents don't understand boyfriend/girlfriend.

They also understand courting and marriage or simply being an acquaintance, especially if you are significantly older than their daughter.

So I'm going to guess that your major mistake has been a failure to focus only on her.

If that's the problem in her eyes, then she knows it's going to be a problem if she introduces you to her parents.

And honestly, from the way you've written your post, it seems you probably aren't really thinking about marriage yet.

So I think you can't really respect her or her parents until you decide what you really want.

Once you clarify that in your own mind, then you will know how to respect her, and she will want her parents to meet that man.

I was in a number of relationships before I met my partner from Quảng Ngãi.

Is this now a long distance relationship, now that you are back in the states?

From your posts about leaving Vietnam it didn't seem she had eloped with you.

Cultural factors. Can be a minefield. Thread carefully:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/0 … nners.html