Understanding Vietnamese girls

So on my first trip to Vietnam I met a girl and saw her for a few days. Being the skeptical dude that I am and knowing nothing about Vietnam, the first night that we met I didn't give her my phone number but she and her friend made plans with my friend for these two ladies to join us the next day.

The next day, I was basically pressured into giving her my LINE contact (not my primary means of communication). Anyway, she messaged me very sweet messages and I responded in a very neutral way because, being jaded, I thought it was a ruse to ask for money later on.

So I went home and communication from her end stopped. I did some research and realised that I might have had the wrong idea. So I messaged her and we chatted for about two weeks - one set of messages per day. Then she just stopped responding.

A week went by and a buddy of mine wanted to check out Vietnam with me. So I called the girl and told her that I'd be flying to the same city and to see whether she'd like to hang out. She seemed surprised and pretty happy.

So I met her for another 5 days, and it was great. We didn't sleep together, but I had a very romantic time, even with the occasional chaperone. Anyway, I left the city again and have told her that I'll be back - although I haven't confirmed a date.

Our messages are back to 1 set of messages per day or two. I guess I'm confused about whether she's interested in me. Her friends and colleagues message me more frequently and send me photos of their daily life. The girl takes lots of photos but doesn't send any to me. I don't use Facebook or Instagram. She uploads to Instagram. I didn't ask for her account.

I should probably add that I'm ethnically Asian and I'm sickly pale - features that are attractive to Vietnamese people apparently. She loves holding my hand and PDA, although she's the no sex before marriage type. She hasn't asked me for money or to buy her anything. She has some jewelry, which I initially suspected was from other foreign boyfriends because she's incredibly attractive (hence my initial hesitation) but I could be well off the mark. 

I'm actually quite a bit older than she is, which is another reason why I was worried that she was very much into me. After spending more time with her, I do feel that she's very genuine but I'd like to hear thoughts from Vietnamese people or expats. I do intend to return in a week or two, because I've actually purchased property there (with my friend) and am likely to start a business there.

I guess I'm wondering whether she's taking this seriously and that I should reciprocate. She said that she'll wait for me, and I guess I'll not sure whether this is a big deal for Vietnamese girls. We haven't known each other long and I don't want to be the be guy that's wasting her youth.

This could be interesting.. i'm tempted to get the pop corn out  :D

Only joking - on a serious note, it seems when you are in Vietnam, you seem to get attention. When you leave, the communication is less than expected.   :/

I know nothing about this girl and its wrong for me to judge her without knowing her.
Have you asked her what she does for a living ? you questioned the jewellery she wears as you suspect it may be from one of her foreign boyfriends? This could be the case, but on the other hand she may have a decent job that pays her well to buy such jewellery ? 

Hopefully others on this forum may be able to input and give you a better picture.   :whistle:

An Aussie guy in Sydney Australia was walking along a beach when he accidentally tripped over a bottle, low and behold, out popped a Genie. Ok, look the Genie said, Ive been stuck in that bottle for years, thanks for getting me out. Youve got a wish Mate, what do you wish for?.

The Aussies ponders for a bit then says, I always want to go to Hawaii, but cant get over my morbid fear of flying, just cant get on that plane. My wish therefore is that you construct a highway from Sydney to Hawaii so I can drive there.

Well the Genie just went right off, youve got no idea of just how ridiculous that wish is, Engineering wise it is damn near impossible, sorry pal, wish denied, have another go.

Well Aussie again ponders and in a more reflective mood tells the Genie that he has been married 3 times, that each marriage failed because Aussie did not understand his women, could not live peacefully and happiliy with each of his wives. His new wish therefore was that the Genie grant him the ability to reach deep inside the female mind, to be able to understand their needs and what in fact makes them tick

The genie immediately replied, That Highway you wanted, was that 2 or 4 lanes!

The genie immediately replied, That Highway you wanted, was that 2 or 4 lanes!

:lol:  :lol:

I wonder if the op will take life in the fast lane ?  :D

Understanding (any) girls

Oh, come  on.
The forum's members often help out with difficult immigration issues and a load of other stuff but you're asking for someone who can hold water with chopsticks.

Just withhold the money and you will find out in time what she is really like. Money in my opinion is the litmus test with the women here. Especially if there is an age gap. Just let her know how poor you are and how difficult it is to make ends meet. She will drift into never never land and you can land the next beautiful girl that is rather attracted to the ld age bulge in your pants ( your wallet). There are the exceptions, but withholding the bucks will get you drill down to who she really is so fast it will be amazing. Reminds me of that old song " Money, Money Money"

Perhaps you confuse the girl with your own reticence to communicate openly? Besides, why rush, you barely know each other. Age difference does not seem to matter much in VN, it is more important that you are stable and able to financially support the children when they arrive. Yes, ALL VN women want at least two children. You should discuss this point, too. Good luck.

Ha, ha :)  I can't even hold rice with chopsticks yet.

I don't know about Canada or Hong Kong, but AFAIK, Vietnamese have a history of traditional male and female roles in relationships. A man is expected to be a decision maker, financial supporter, protector. A good start to being attractive to Vietnamese women of any age.

Overall she sounds young, inexperienced, not ready for commitment, yet interested. Yes marriage and a family 'is a big deal for Vietnamese girls.'

Overall you sound worried what she thinks, reluctant to ask questions, not so confident?  Women are not scarce here, I think that realizing you have more options will make your decision easier.  You want to adopt an 'abundance mindset' (google) and have more confidence in your decision making.

Vietnam demographics:
- Median age is 28.5, 50.53% are female
- Saigon has 8.5 million people
Then 4 million+ are female, with 2 million females under 28.
1 in 4 are in age range 21 to 28, so 500,000 females
Guess 60% already married? that leaves:
200,000 single females to 28, + guess 200,000+ ages 29-40
Think abundance.  :top:

I would ask myself... what do you do with a girl who is much younger than you, especially one that likely has a standard vn education and no real working experience?  I'm specifically referring to when you go back to your home country.  I met this girl here through her mom about a month ago.  Girl is half my age and barely just graduated from a 2 year college.  I quickly dismissed her because I couldn't answer my question above and didn't want to waste my time.   As other poster pointed out, there's so much more out there than to go with someone that you're not sure about.

Fred wrote:

Understanding (any) girls

Oh, come  on.
The forum's members often help out with difficult immigration issues and a load of other stuff but you're asking for someone who can hold water with chopsticks.

interesting

Man, I understand the females very good. There are one's that don't sleep with anyone until marriage, that's a fact. Some of them have had their heats broken so the don't want sex until they are sure. But if you want her then don't play games, many girls here don't care about looks at all, they care about the man she will give herself to can really take care of her. But once she fully trust you then it is 100% on, Vietnam girls don't play games , from what you have told everyone on this post she does like you. But you do have to prove her she can trust you with her life because that's what she will be doing. If you  really want her then go for it , but you need to make plans with her set dates and spend time together, Vietnam girls if they have full trust in you will marry very fast.

As far as the other good type some believe that if you sleep together then you are a couple, their very up front about what they want, but it's the same deal send time with them set dates and marry fast if they trust you all the way

Then you have the gold diggers they are up front they will as for money very fast and basically you will know real fast they just want your money.

Then you have a few that are very good at getting money out of you with sex I am talking they use it like a gun but you will pay for it, lol

Now I hope this helps you out , It sounds like you have the first type, but if you want her then put the time in, because Vietnam girls are great, for the most part I would say 75% make the best girlfriends and wife's you could every want are need, Myself I love Vietnam girls. I am from the US I have worked all over the world so I make it a point to understand females of the world but I have stayed In Vietnam for one reason that would be the girls they are just awesome and I can say people are always very good to me here , It's just the Vietnam way, always nice. YES there are some very bad girls here but not that many if you find one you really did not need to be there in the first place, good luck with your quest.

To the OP: You assume a LOT and know very little about her. The jewelry could be from family members, for example. Take your time and get to know her in her world. That is the only smart way to do it. It's easy to fall in lust here and too many mistake it for love.

Well said man.

Ah, JohnD said it most economically.
Truely, there is the traveler who is lonely for
love but misunderstands VN culture.
Once 'fully respecting' of this you can make more informed decisions. Assimilation in relationships requires reciprocity, a life long experience of snow flakes melding into a new idenity together, ...ugh! I'm unable to explain further what I view as an ever expanding continuing saga. :/

Oh, come  on.
The forum's members often help out with difficult immigration issues and a load of other stuff but you're asking for someone who can hold water with chopsticks.

:lol:   :lol: It only gets better!

Ha, ha :)  I can't even hold rice with chopsticks yet.

:lol:

I think the op has been frightened away. No word from him for a long time  :/
Or maybe he's taken the advise here and spending time with his love..  :kiss:

:cool:

Gobot is right. Be more assertive. Ask her directly your concerns and your expectations. Vietnamese women tend to bottle up their emotions. They want gallant man. Action speaks louder than words.

Based on my experiences with VN girls, if she is not texting you everyday, there is a problem.  Even the gold diggers I met I told me the same, if they really cared about me and wanted a relationship, they would be in contact with me every day, absolutely.  Thus, I do not know this girl, but if she is not texting you everyday, try texting her everyday and see if she responds.  If not timely, there is a problem mate. 

For those in the know, little did I know those cute little text in the beginning with the emoticons would turn into a daily ritual of total control of every aspect of my life.  :)

G'day,
So ......if she's not returning those SMSs there's a problem eh......
Could be a "problem" with her phone.

Nothing a new $900 iPhone won't fix. 🤓

Yogi007 wrote:

Nothing a new $900 iPhone won't fix. 🤓

iphones are great for filling dustbins with.
I've just bought a Samsung C9.

Yogi calls anything that you can talk to and see moving pictures an "iPhone" 🤓

How much can a Koala bear?

How much can a Koala bear?

:blink:

If shes not texting you everyday.. may be on the phone with some other ?  :/  Hmmm

I think the op has gone awol..  :P

Appreciate the responses. I'm not a heavy internet forum consumer but I'll try to be better in the future.

Regarding the frequency of messaging, she actually had a high fever and as a result needed an IV. She said that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to disturb my work.  Normally she texts me after she finishes work, but it isn't throughout the day, which I like actually. I was just wondering whether that was normal.

About the jewelry, I asked a long time ago and she told me that she purchased it herself. Like I said, I'm jaded. Yes, she earns enough to have done so but she could still have a sponsor. After spending more time together though, I'm fairly confident that she did purchase it herself.

I think/guess the biggest issue was that she was worried that I wouldn't return to Vietnam. I'm setting up a business in Vietnam and will be there often so she's very pleased.

jazzy851 wrote:

Ha, ha :)  I can't even hold rice with chopsticks yet.

:lol:

I think the op has been frightened away. No word from him for a long time  :/
Or maybe he's taken the advise here and spending time with his love..  :kiss:

:cool:

Indeed. After she found out that I do intend to spend time living in Vietnam (half the time in Vietnam, half outside) she really opened up and we've had some quality time together.

I should mention that she's a full time student that moonlights as a Japanese bar hostess (well, when I met her she had recently been promoted to leader so she manages the girls now) at a fast growing chain. All the girls actually live above the bar and they're compensated very handsomely I think - no need to pay rent and a base salary of VND 5mn plus bonus based on how well the bar performs. But they basically on call 24/7 to work and train.

My initial impressions were based on the idea that she might be a bar girl. The parts of Asia that I live in now, that would be the norm. As a result of this thread though, I did outright ask her whether the girls are bar girls and sleep with customers etc. She told me straight that it's prohibited and the girls that do so are fired. So I've kept an open mind and spent more time learning about the bar (they're expanding rapidly and very heavy marketing their CEO so there is lots of information available).

I'm pretty shocked at how professional they operate. The managers hold monthly online meetings to compare business activity, employees fly between Vietnam, Cambodia, and Singapore to staff their various locations, and they train the girls in leadership skills - I was taught similar techniques many years ago.

"employees fly between Vietnam, Cambodia, and Singapore"   :o

Just my opinion, but that is a huge red flag.  Second, you need to do more due diligence, I do not believe everything she told you, based on my knowledge and experiences in VN and SEA. 

With respect to texting, again, based on my experiences, work never stopped my GF now wife from texting me from work.  Sometimes she would put me on skype and let me watch her work.  Lunch time, everyday we chatted or video chatted.  When she took her break, we chatted,  Get it?

Yep, was waiting to hear the whole story regarding the jewellery.


"I should mention that she's a full time student that moonlights as a Japanese bar hostess (well, when I met her she had recently been promoted to leader so she manages the girls now) at a fast growing chain. All the girls actually live above the bar and they're compensated very handsomely I think - no need to pay rent and a base salary of VND 5mn plus bonus based on how well the bar performs. But they basically on call 24/7 to work and train."

Alarm bells are ringing here, run before its too late. I have heard this " I was just a hostess" line so many times and the guy usually cottons on too late.

OMG the red flags and the head in the sand syndrome. Try to take your head out, move on and find much better. Yeah she brightened up when you said you would spend part of your life outside VN. Here they want just the basics of life, immigration to your country, your money, or your sperm for their Western baby. But you can find the exception. You have not. Your love for her will subside and you will see more clearly when you sho around a bit. But I think everyone on this thread knows you will not heed any of this advice. They use to say "love is blind" not sure if they still say that. Myself the fact she works in a bar would be a deal breaker for me. You probably will find far less saints in a bar than you will in the church choir or the university library. But if your a bar guy then it is probably a comfortable thing for you. Me I have never been in a bar and have never met a bar girl. I wonder if she had the sausage 10 times last night above the bar if she would tell you she had a great night or would she  say oh no dear we will be fired if we ever sample sausage. And the corporate structure......!

The ultimate Red Flag will be if you are asked to send money for the sick buffalo back home

vndreamer wrote:

"employees fly between Vietnam, Cambodia, and Singapore"   :o

Just my opinion, but that is a huge red flag.  Second, you need to do more due diligence, I do not believe everything she told you, based on my knowledge and experiences in VN and SEA. 

With respect to texting, again, based on my experiences, work never stopped my GF now wife from texting me from work.  Sometimes she would put me on skype and let me watch her work.  Lunch time, everyday we chatted or video chatted.  When she took her break, we chatted,  Get it?

Can you elaborate on your experiences in VN and SEA? I asked about that and was told that some ASEAN countries like Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, etc allow citizens to work freely between the countries, and the internet seems to support that claim (ie: citizens of those countries are allowed to freely work between the countries from what I've read online from the embassy pages).

Appreciate the concern fellas. As I mentioned in post 1, I'm a very skeptical guy and I'm not head over heels. I do enjoy spending time with her and so long as she's not asking for money, I'm more than happy to spend time with her.

I think I may have misled some. The girl isn't interested in dating someone who doesn't live in Vietnam.  Hopefully I did not imply the opposite.

She hasn't asked me for money yet, which is nice. I guess I'll see for how much longer.

mikeymac wrote:

The ultimate Red Flag will be if you are asked to send money for the sick buffalo back home

Indeed!

I've asked her about her family and she mentioned that her father works in construction and she's aware that he can't work that job forever so she's going to need to support her family in the future. Honestly, I was impressed with her maturity but was concerned this was going to lead up into her asking me for money. But she didn't.

Read 'Private Dancer' by Stephen Leather

Working for a company that sends VN girls to countries that already have an abundance of suitable girls, I dont think so.

mikeymac wrote:

Read 'Private Dancer' by Stephen Leather

Thanks. I was able to find a copy online and went through it. Read the first 40 pages and the last few pages. A little too dark for me. Does this book depict the SEA bar experience for older white men? No wonder you guys may dislike the bar scene in SEA.


colinoscapee wrote:

Working for a company that sends VN girls to countries that already have an abundance of suitable girls, I dont think so.

I assume that it isn't easy in SEA to find girls that speak Japanese and know how to serve guests in a Japanese manner, hence the training in more established locations before sending employees to other locations.

Anyway, of course I could be wrong on all this. I'm just elaborating rather than defending. I'm a regular at the bar because I love their customer service, as do my friends. The girls themselves are largely unattractive but the environment reminds us of Ginza in Tokyo - which is nice.

On this note, I just checked wiki and apparently I have been using incorrect terminology. I should have called it a hostess bar or hostess club, and the girls are called geishas. Apparently this is very much only a Japanese phenomenon.

Why dont you name the bar, this would then let people know if its actually above board. They could then advise you of its reputation
You didnt mention before that she speaks Japanese.

There are many stories like yours on Stickman, most sre Thai but some are VN.

colinoscapee wrote:

Why dont you name the bar, this would then let people know if its actually above board. They could then advise you of its reputation
You didnt mention before that she speaks Japanese.

There are many stories like yours on Stickman, most sre Thai but some are VN.

I've posted about the bar before (asking whether it is above board) but didn't get any responses. The name of the bar is Tanabata.

Ok, I didnt see that on your post. Let me ask my friend if he knows of this bar. On a side note,how old is she and where does she come from(provence)?

colinoscapee wrote:

Ok, I didnt see that on your post. Let me ask my friend if he knows of this bar. On a side note,how old is she and where does she come from(provence)?

quy nhơn

She's 20. She thought that I was 24 when we met, which seems silly but I've started doing business in Vietnam and Vietnamese people generally assume that I'm within the 21-24 range until they see my ID card.

Can you elaborate on why it matters which province she is from (kind of implies there are some provinces to avoid)? Also, this girl doesn't live in HCMC or Hanoi, if that matters.

To be honest, from what you have said, run for the hills. I know a guy who said the same things you are saying,and he was told by all his friends and even his best mate to keep away from her. He later found that she had four guys on the run. She was young, lots of new clothes and jewellery and was being looked after by sugar daddies.

I read your post on Reddit, so you did get some feedback on the bar.

It says on the company web adverts that Japanese and English lessons are given free of charge to all employees, as well as meals and accommodation, with salary between 5 -15 millions. Applicants are to be sent to any of the company's locations (Saigon, Hanoi, Danang, Phnom Penh, Thailand, Singapore, and Malaysia.)

Main requirements for applicants are hard-working, diligent, energetic, and a desire to learn. It also says the job is an opportunity to learn a (actually, two) foreign language/s, to improve and strengthening one's character.

On the surface (description and reviews), it sounds pretty legit to me. People call it a gastro pub, and both food and service are well-praised.

The working hours are supposed to be only between 19:00 and 2:00. What the women do outside of their working hours is not controllable by the management, I would say.

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