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LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Lennerd
@Aidan in HCMC.

My dad was something of a punster. Whenever we drove past a cemetery, he'd gesture with his thumb and say, "People are just dying to get in there."

It was so predictable, that sometimes my two brothers and I could time it exactly and say it with him.
alexneoh
A man walks into a bar, orders 12 beers and starts drinking them like there is no tomorrow.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The man says, "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what I had".

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The man says, " A dollar and a quarter".
alexneoh
For the ladies that are still waiting for the prince on a white horse, don't give up!. With the recent rises in gasoline, it can happen any second now!!!

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RTLisSB
For the ladies that are still waiting for the prince on a white horse, don't give up!. With the recent rises in gasoline, it can happen any second now!!!

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- @alexneoh

As the saying goes, ladies, "you may have to kiss the occasional frog to find your Prince, but you don't have to sleep with the whole pond"!
Aidan in HCMC
An elderly, dying Irishman is laying in his bed, fully aware of the inevitable.

As he lay there, the delicious scent of his favourite cookies wafted up from the kitchen downstairs.

He smiled and thought how wonderful it was that his loving wife was cooking the cookies for him.

By force of his strong will alone, he managed to lift himself from the bed, carry himself downstairs and into the kitchen.

Reaching for one of the freshly baked cookies cooling on a plate, his wife reaches out and soundly slaps his hand away, saying,

"Don't touch those! They're for the wake!"
Guest4931
@Aidan in HCMC
And that my friends is what it's like to be an American.
Aidan in HCMC
My friend Patrick decided to change his name.

He's now an ex-Pat
Aidan in HCMC
A buddy of mine asked me if I could get him a little bag of coke.

"No problem", I said. "I'll be right back"





ywe98mb5
Guest4931
A buddy of mine asked me if I could get him a little bag of coke.

"No problem", I said. "I'll be right back"





ywe98mb5 - @Aidan in HCMC

?
Aidan in HCMC
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.






(honk honk) :)
alexneoh
Mechanics: I'm tired
Drummer: I'm beat
Pipelayer: I'm drained
Gardener: I'm bushed
Chef: I'm fried
Tailor: I'm worn
AC repairman: I'm exhausted
Window washer: I'm wiped
Accountant: I'm spent
Soldier: I'm fatigued
Trash collector: I'm waster
Plumber: I'm pooped
Undertaker: I'm dead
Aidan in HCMC
Having to explain a joke is a little like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but the frog dies.
goodolboy
Mechanics: I'm tired
Drummer: I'm beat
Pipelayer: I'm drained
Gardener: I'm bushed
Chef: I'm fried
Tailor: I'm worn
AC repairman: I'm exhausted
Window washer: I'm wiped
Accountant: I'm spent
Soldier: I'm fatigued
Trash collector: I'm waster
Plumber: I'm pooped
Undertaker: I'm dead
- @alexneoh

what about a hooker?
alexneoh
In a deserted highway, a cop pull over a car
Cop: you were going fast
Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic
Cop: there isn't any
Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am

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alexneoh
Mechanics: I'm tired
Drummer: I'm beat
Pipelayer: I'm drained
Gardener: I'm bushed
Chef: I'm fried
Tailor: I'm worn
AC repairman: I'm exhausted
Window washer: I'm wiped
Accountant: I'm spent
Soldier: I'm fatigued
Trash collector: I'm waster
Plumber: I'm pooped
Undertaker: I'm dead
- @alexneoh

what about a hooker?
- @goodolboy

Yet to interview but the assumption will be: I'm F**Ked

Aidan in HCMC
Mechanics: I'm tired
Drummer: I'm beat
Pipelayer: I'm drained
Gardener: I'm bushed
Chef: I'm fried
Tailor: I'm worn
AC repairman: I'm exhausted
Window washer: I'm wiped
Accountant: I'm spent
Soldier: I'm fatigued
Trash collector: I'm waster
Plumber: I'm pooped
Undertaker: I'm dead
- @alexneoh

what about a hooker?
- @goodolboy

Hooker: I'm shagged
findgw
Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?' The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big boobs, long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Aidan in HCMC
A guy is strolling along a garden path, thinking about his recent expensive divorce settlement, when he comes across a golden lantern. Picking it up, he proceeds to rub the dirt from it when suddenly a genie appears in front of him.

"You have released me from bondage within that lamp, and so I shall grant you three wishes. Be advised, however, that your exwife will receive twice that which you wish for."

Dumbfounded, the guy stammers out, "I wish I had a million dollars."

"Your wish is my command", says the genie, "but be advised that your exwife will now receive 2 million dollars."  As soon as he finished telling the guy this, one million dollars appeared on the path in front of him. Although happy to have his wish granted, the guy was upset by the fact his exwife had again gotten the better of the deal.

"Okay, okay, my next wish is to have a brand new Lamborghini!"

"As you wish", says the genie, "but your exwife will now receive two of the same Lamborghinis". With that, a new Lamborghini appears on the path.

Incensed, the man looks around, picks up a heavy stick, hands it to the genie and says,
"Here! I want you to take this stick and beat me half to death!"
alexneoh
5 years old son after reading story of a king

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives, 1 will cook, 1 will sing and 1 will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep?
Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you

Then the mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom: But who will sleep with your 3 wives
Son: Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears.. God bless you son

Happy Belated Father's Day mate.... but don't forget the rest of the year is Mother's day.

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alexneoh
A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them... The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart. The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away. The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kinds words of gratitude from her.

But the wife shouted "I've seen people throwing stones and sticks or anything that could chase the dogs away, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog".

Moral: A wife is a wife. Does it ring the bell?

"No one else can MIS-UNDERSTAND a husband better than a wife".
Aidan in HCMC
Doctor: Your wife has been in a bad accident
Husband: How is she?
Doctor: She's terribly disfigured
Husband: I know, but how is she?
Lennerd
"Since brevity is the soul of wit, I shall be brief."

-- Polonius, before delivering the longest soliloquy in Shakespeare's Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
alexneoh
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday. Once on the plane, the Captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked out and rushed out of the plane except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well, this sh*t won't even start".
alexneoh
If you marry the right person, everyday is a Valentine's day.
Marry the wrong person, everyday is Martyrs Day.
Marry the lazy person, everyday is Labour Day.
Marry the rich person, everyday is New Year's Day.
Marry an immature person, everyday would seem like Children's Day.
Marry a cheater or liar, everyday will become April Fool's Day.
And if you don't get married, everyday is Independence Day.

Source @ UG
alexneoh
One Whatapps Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the love and good intention of each to pay the bill.

Finally one among the 15 said " The bill has to be paid, but everyone wants to pay it. No one want the other to pay. So we shall organise a race. All must take a round of hotel premises and whoever come first to the counter, shall pay the bill ".

The manager was amazed to see such a decent and generous group wanting to pay the bill.

Manager said he can blow the whistle and all can run around hotel. Whoever comes first shall pay the bill.

Today is the 3rd day and no one has reached the counter yet!!!

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tunnelrat69
Three Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

★¨`*•♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ♫ ..•
tunnelrat69

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

★¨`*•♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile. ♫ ..•

Guest4931
A man has a parrot that cusses repeatedly with the worst language. The man listens every day and gets quickly annoyed and tired. He takes the parrot and puts it in the dog house in the backyard. For awhile the parrot is quiet but then starts cussing again. The man goes out and asks if the parrot will change his mind if he lets him in the house. The parrot says no way. I will cuss forever.

The man listens awhile longer and grows tired and frustrated with the language and takes the parrot to the shed in the backyard and leaves him overnight. Are you done cussing the man asks. No says the parrot. I will cuss forever. The man takes the parrot back to the house.

Finally after more days of cussing, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. The cussing continues but only for a moment. The man opens the freezer. Are you done cussing? The parrot says Yep. I am all done. Never again. I do have one question for you though.

What did the chicken do?
Guest4931
Hopefully figured out how to post pics. Let's see.
Guest4931
Good Onya.E4-Qzd-O-Xo-AAk-TAg.jpg
Aidan in HCMC
Might I suggest, Birkenstocks?
Mac68



Might I suggest, Birkenstocks?
- @Aidan in HCMC

May I suggest an aspirin before pill?
Mac
alexneoh
@Mac68

Maybe ponstan will be better

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alexneoh
Sometimes when you cry, nobody sees your tears.
Sometimes when you're hurt, nobody sees your pain.
Sometimes when you're sad, nobody sees your sorrow...
BUT FART JUST ONE TIME
alexneoh
One beautiful sexy employee hit a US$5 million jackpot.
Her company though if the news is told to her suddenly, she may die from shock due to happiness and excitement. So they assigned the job to Tony, her best friend, to inform her in such a way that she doesn't die of shock.

Tony went and started... assume you get US$1 million lottery, what will you do?
Girl: I will strip nude in front of you.
Tony: Imagine US$2 million, then?
Girl: You can have me as many times as you want.
Tony: Super, but if you win US$5 million, then?
Girl: You can do all unthinkable things to me and I will give you half the money...
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Bast**d Tony died of excitement and cardiac arrest.
Bhavna
Hello everyone,

Concerning a few publication posted above on birth control. I don't think it is laughing matter since the topic of this thread is Let's have a laugh ......

I have removed the link that had been posted!

Thank you for your comprehension,
Bhavna
OceanBeach92107
Good Onya.E4-Qzd-O-Xo-AAk-TAg.jpg
- @colinoscapee
... get set ... 😁
Aidan in HCMC
you-never-listen-to-me-you-only-hear-wha
:)

Aidan in HCMC
Prior to passing negative judgement on a man, it's important to first walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, if your judgement turns out to be correct, you're already a mile away from him.
And you've got his shoes.
mikeymac
An englishman, a frenchman and an irishman were each asked what would they take with them if they knew in advance that they would be stranded on a deserted island.

The Englishman said that  he would take my horse, so I could ride around the island

The Frenchman said that he would take his cooking utensils so he could cook up the food delights of the island

Finally they all turned to the Irishman who said that he had been thinking hard about this and that he had decided on taking a packet of Tampons. The others were astonished and started to chide him to which replied, No No, you are wrong, look here, it says on the packet that you can go swimming, play tennis, play football, and heaps of other fun stuff.

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