LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert23 May 2022 06:02:31

#241

4219

A policeman came to my door yesterday, and asked me where I was between five and six.

He seemed really annoyed when I told him, "Kindergarten".

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert23 May 2022 06:12:42

#242

4219

I heard recently that some guy was stealing the wheels off of police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him

honk honk

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert23 May 2022 06:38:42

#243

4219

Went to a VN soup shop today.

Me: "Is this soup acidic?"

Waitress: "No, because it's pH0"

goodolboy ViP

Member since 08 February 2020

goodolboyViP23 May 2022 11:27:15

#244

2325

Went to a VN soup shop today.
Me: "Is this soup acidic?"
Waitress: "No, because it's pH0"
- @Aidan in HCMC

OFFS

Hooked Active member

Member since 04 September 2020

HookedActive member23 May 2022 11:36:19

#245

A farmer and his wife sat on the edge of their bed one night preparing for a restful sleep

After several minutes of silence the ever thoughtful husband Joe grabs his wife’s breast and says @ Jill if this would give milk we could get rid of the cows! Jill just shakes her head and says nothing. Several minutes pass and Joe touches Jill between the legs stating “Jill if this would give eggs we could get rid of the chickens! She shakes her head and mutters you old fool, she then looks him in the eye grabs his manhood and simply states “ Joe if this would get hard we could get rid of the hired hand!!!

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert26 May 2022 13:07:54

#246

4219

What do you call it when the ash from a joint burns a hole in your shirt?

A pot hole.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert26 May 2022 13:12:53

#247

4219

At the library, a foreign-exchange student asked me where he could find a colour printer.

I told him,

"C'mon man, it's 2022. You can use whichever printer you want"

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert26 May 2022 13:59:21

#248

4219

I can roll two marijuana cigarettes at the same time.

They tell me I'm double jointed.

honk, honk

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert28 May 2022 08:22:31

#249

4219

***

groan

Moderated by Bhavna 3 years ago
Reason : religious
We invite you to read the forum code of conduct

Mac68 Serial expat

Member since 29 August 2015

Mac68Serial expat28 May 2022 08:35:12

#250

357

True story:

I approached an older couple holding hands. I asked the woman; "Is this man molesting you?"

She smiles, tells me...YES! I asked if she would like me to call the police?

The man smiled and said; "give me a few more minutes."

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert28 May 2022 08:36:53

#251

4219

Almost slept with a lady-boy the other night.

Walked like a lady, talked like a lady, even kissed like a lady.

It wasn't until she drove us home to her house, put the car in reverse and backed into the garage first try, that I thought, "Hang on a minute!"

Lennerd Serial expat

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdSerial expat28 May 2022 12:56:50

#252

233

@Aidan in HCMC

Buddhist (to Hotdog vendor): Make me one with everything.

[Hotdog Vendor prepares hotdog with bun, sausage, onions, ketchup, mustard, sourkraut, and hands it to Buddhist]: That'll be three dollars.

[Buddhist hands Hotdog Vendor a five dollar bill]

[Hotdog vendor puts the bill in his pocket and turns to the next customer]: What will you have?

Buddhist: What about my change?!!!

Hotdog vendor: Ah! The change must come from within!

alexneoh Active member

Member since 18 May 2022

alexneohActive member02 June 2022 02:58:41

#253

About car...

A BM* asks a V* Beetle: why are your eyes out of your body?

Beetle replies: let them put the engine in your arse and see what happens to your eyes.

alexneoh Active member

Member since 18 May 2022

alexneohActive member02 June 2022 03:08:31

#254

Omicron Virus Symptoms

Basically are the same feelings you get when your wife is checking your phone...

- difficulty in breathing

- sweating profusely

- weakness

- headache

And when she asks who is Lina,

THE DRY COUGH STARTS

Cheer... and stay safe.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert02 June 2022 03:30:56

#255

4219

An American businessman goes to Vietnam on a business trip, but he hates Vietnamese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man,"What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

alexneoh Active member

Member since 18 May 2022

alexneohActive member03 June 2022 10:36:27

#256

This has got to be the cleverest advertising slogan for travelling to Agra in India.

" VIA AGRA"

Come VIA AGRA, you'll see man's greatest erection for a woman...

alexneoh Active member

Member since 18 May 2022

alexneohActive member03 June 2022 10:38:47

#257

It's a doctor's joke... no dirty

Blonde: Doctor, my bottom hurts around the entrance

Doctor: That is exit. As long as you call it entrance, it will hurt

Blonde: ...

TGIF... enjoy

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert03 June 2022 21:21:59

#258

4219

Available now, at Amazon!

B1i3u9-Q-KS._CLa%7C2140%2C2000%7CB1kNSyY

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert03 June 2022 21:39:43

#259

4219

Back in Toronto, a VN girlfriend of mine said to me,

"If I had a dime for every time someone asked me if I do nails,

I wouldn't have to do nails anymore."

AndyHCMC ViP

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCViP04 June 2022 04:09:06

#260

1855

Available now, at Amazon!

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

- @Aidan in HCMC

On the front and on the back "what if any..."

Nice to get back to sleep before 3 am every morning lol

AndyHCMC ViP

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCViP04 June 2022 04:57:29

#261

1855

I'm thiking of making "it was the Jury's fault" t-shirts lol

THIGV ViP

Member since 26 September 2012

THIGVViP04 June 2022 06:32:14

#262

4427

Available now, at Amazon!

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

- @Aidan in HCMC

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam. Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert05 June 2022 06:10:38

#263

4219

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam.

Especially if you're not Vietnamese. That would be akin to "Kiss me I'm Irish" on a VN

Besides, I'd not be caught dead in a hoodie unless I'm perpetrating a drive-by, or flash-mobbing an "haute couture" retail outlet

Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.

I'd heard that, but I have doubts as to whether it is an actual "law". I've looked for verification of this but have not been able to confirm that it is an actual law. There are manylaws quoted to me by VN friends where it turns out that no law exists. Examples would include, driving your scooter during daylight hours with your headlamp on, and, prohibition against unmarried foreigners and unmarried VN people of opposite sex living together as a couple. Neither of these examples are laws, though a popular misconception among the populace is that they are indeed illegal.

But besides that, this isn't a flag.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.- @THIGV

Oh crap! And I just threw for a brand new pair of Adidas "Marathon"

size-adidas-originals-marathon-tr-yellow

AndyHCMC ViP

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCViP05 June 2022 06:13:23

#264

1855

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam.
Especially if you're not Vietnamese. That would be akin to "Kiss me I'm Irish" on a VN
Besides, I'd not be caught dead in a hoodie unless I'm perpetrating a drive-by, or flash-mobbing an "haute couture" retail outlet

Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.
I'd heard that, but I have doubts as to whether it is an actual "law". I've looked for verification of this but have not been able to confirm that it is an actual law. There are manylaws quoted to me by VN friends where it turns out that no law exists. Examples would include, driving your scooter during daylight hours with your headlamp on, and, prohibition against unmarried foreigners and unmarried VN people of opposite sex living together as a couple. Neither of these examples are laws, though a popular misconception among the populace is that they are indeed illegal.

But besides that, this isn't a flag.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.- @THIGV

Oh crap! And I just threw for a brand new pair of Adidas "Marathon"

- @Aidan in HCMC

Looks like you may need them if the po po come after you lol

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert05 June 2022 22:00:36

#265

4219

I'm trembling with anticipation!

69743338_2313380092246902_98338292763721

THIGV ViP

Member since 26 September 2012

THIGVViP06 June 2022 00:04:59

#266

4427

Of course the bishop can only move diagonally on the black squares. I am surprised that as a Canadian you didn't say "in Canterbury Cathedral." My maternal grandmother was a Canadian and my mother, although born an American citizen but raised partially in Canada, always called it the Church of England instead of the Episcopal Church as it is known in the US.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert09 June 2022 01:22:00

#267

4219

@THIGV

"Church of England" or "Anglican" are what they are referred to in Canada.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert09 June 2022 01:24:17

#268

4219

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones, and a Scotsman?

The Stones say "Hey you, get off'a my cloud"

A scotsman says "Hey Macleod, get off'a my ewe"

AndyHCMC ViP

Member since 29 February 2020

AndyHCMCViP09 June 2022 05:02:25

#269

1855

Thats covered the 2 no go areas of the forum politics & religion, back to jokes.....

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert09 June 2022 08:10:06

#270

4219

Thats covered the 2 no go areas of the forum politics & religion, back to jokes.....
- @Andybris2020

Guy walks into a bar and sees a very large jar, stuffed to the brim with $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of $10 bills?"

Bartender says, "That's the prize for anyone who can complete the bar's 3-tier-challenge."

"3-tier-challenge? What's that?", the guy asks.

"First, you have to drink this full bottle of hot sauce. Then you have to go out back where we keep our big nasty guard dog, who's got a really bad rotten tooth, and you have to pull his tooth out. And finally, there's an old lady upstairs who has never done the vertical hokey-pokey (nudge nudge, wink wink). Show her what she's been missing, and the jar of cash is yours!"

"I can't do that! That'd kill me!", says the guy.

Two hours later, after many shots of rye, the guy figures he's invincible and decides to take the challenge.

He downs the full bottle of hot sauce, then staggers to the back door towards the guard dog's house. He opens the door, walks out and slams the door behind him. Within a couple of seconds there's very loud barking, howling, and yelping, then silence. After about 4 or 5 minutes, the guy comes back into the bar, covered with blood, his clothes torn to shreds.

"Right! Now where's that lady with the bad tooth?!"

Lennerd Serial expat

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdSerial expat09 June 2022 18:53:03

#271

233

@Andybris2020

What about filth? Isn't that a no-go area?

The thread is "Let's have a laugh..." I laughed at the word, "locusts."

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

Member since 23 December 2017

Aidan in HCMCVietnam Expert09 June 2022 22:14:19

#272

4219

What about filth? Isn't that a no-go area?

- @Lennerd

(okey-dokey)

A young man is at his very first job, night shift, stocking grocery store shelves.

He uses his box cutter to open a box of plastic liquid soap bottles, but inadvertently slices through the plastic bottles inside the box, spilling soap all over the floor.

Panicking that his manager will be upset, he thinks,

"What can you use to clean up soap? Filth?"

Lennerd Serial expat

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdSerial expat09 June 2022 23:51:07

#273

233

A man goes to visit his very elderly mother.

There, he sees she's got a pill stuffed into her ear. Looking closely he sees it's one of her meds that's a suppository.

He: Mom, why is there a suppository in your ear?

Mom: Well! That would explain why I can't find my hearing aid.

Lennerd Serial expat

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdSerial expat09 June 2022 23:54:25

#274

233

A man goes to the doctor. . .

Patient: Doctor, I've got a new problem with flatulence. It's just happening pretty much non-stop. It's not smelly or anything and it's not making any great noise, but still, unending!

Doc: Take these pills every day and come back in a week.

[one week later]

Doc: Well, how did those pills work for you?

Patient: They didn't change the frequency or intensity of the flatulence at all. And now, the smell is overpoweringly awful.

Doc: Okay. Now that we've got your sense of smell working, let's see if we can do something about your hearing.

Lennerd Serial expat

Member since 15 August 2015

LennerdSerial expat10 June 2022 00:01:55

#275

233

Man goes to doctor. At the end of the check up . . .

Doc: Is there anything else?

Patient: It's about my wife. It seems like she's losing her hearing.

Doc: When you get home, say something to her from across the room. If she doesn't register that you're talking, go half-way across the room and say it again. If she still doesn't register that you're talking, close the gap by half again. If she still doesn't seem to hear you, close again half the distance between you and repeat.

[Man goes home, finds his wife cooking dinner.]

Man (from the back door entry to the kitchen]: Hi honey! What's for dinner. [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says. . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps right up to to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner?

Wife: For the tenth time, it's chicken!

goodolboy ViP

Member since 08 February 2020

goodolboyViP10 June 2022 03:06:00

#276

2325

Man goes to doctor. At the end of the check up . . .

Doc: Is there anything else?

Patient: It's about my wife. It seems like she's losing her hearing.

Doc: When you get home, say something to her from across the room. If she doesn't register that you're talking, go half-way across the room and say it again. If she still doesn't register that you're talking, close the gap by half again. If she still doesn't seem to hear you, close again half the distance between you and repeat.

[Man goes home, finds his wife cooking dinner.]

Man (from the back door entry to the kitchen]: Hi honey! What's for dinner. [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says. . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps right up to to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner?

Wife: For the tenth time, it's chicken!
- @Lennerd