LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#241

A policeman came to my door yesterday, and asked me where I was between five and six.

He seemed really annoyed when I told him, "Kindergarten".

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#242

I heard recently that some guy was stealing the wheels off of police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him

honk honk

2 members reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#243

Went to a VN soup shop today.

Me: "Is this soup acidic?"

Waitress: "No, because it's pH0"

goodolboy ViP

2325POSTS

3 years ago

#244

Went to a VN soup shop today.
Me: "Is this soup acidic?"
Waitress: "No, because it's pH0"
- @Aidan in HCMC

OFFS

2 members reacted to this post

Hooked Active member

62POSTS

3 years ago

#245

A farmer and his wife sat on the edge of their bed one night preparing for a restful sleep

After several minutes of silence the ever thoughtful husband Joe grabs his wife’s breast and says @ Jill if this would give milk we could get rid of the cows! Jill just shakes her head and says nothing. Several minutes pass and Joe touches Jill between the legs stating “Jill if this would give eggs we could get rid of the chickens! She shakes her head and mutters you old fool, she then looks him in the eye grabs his manhood and simply states “ Joe if this would get hard we could get rid of the hired hand!!!

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Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#246

What do you call it when the ash from a joint burns a hole in your shirt?

A pot hole.

2 members reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#247

At the library, a foreign-exchange student asked me where he could find a colour printer.

I told him,

"C'mon man, it's 2022. You can use whichever printer you want"

1 member reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#248

I can roll two marijuana cigarettes at the same time.

They tell me I'm double jointed.

honk, honk

1 member reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#249

***

groan

Moderated by Bhavna 3 years ago
Reason : religious
We invite you to read the forum code of conduct

Mac68 Serial expat

357POSTS

3 years ago

#250

True story:

I approached an older couple holding hands. I asked the woman; "Is this man molesting you?"

She smiles, tells me...YES! I asked if she would like me to call the police?

The man smiled and said; "give me a few more minutes."

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Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#251

Almost slept with a lady-boy the other night.

Walked like a lady, talked like a lady, even kissed like a lady.

It wasn't until she drove us home to her house, put the car in reverse and backed into the garage first try, that I thought, "Hang on a minute!"

Lennerd Serial expat

250POSTS

3 years ago

#252

@Aidan in HCMC

Buddhist (to Hotdog vendor): Make me one with everything.

[Hotdog Vendor prepares hotdog with bun, sausage, onions, ketchup, mustard, sourkraut, and hands it to Buddhist]: That'll be three dollars.

[Buddhist hands Hotdog Vendor a five dollar bill]

[Hotdog vendor puts the bill in his pocket and turns to the next customer]: What will you have?

Buddhist: What about my change?!!!

Hotdog vendor: Ah! The change must come from within!

1 member reacted to this post

alexneoh Active member

73POSTS

3 years ago

#253

About car...

A BM* asks a V* Beetle: why are your eyes out of your body?

Beetle replies: let them put the engine in your arse and see what happens to your eyes.

1 member reacted to this post

alexneoh Active member

73POSTS

3 years ago

#254

Omicron Virus Symptoms

Basically are the same feelings you get when your wife is checking your phone...

- difficulty in breathing

- sweating profusely

- weakness

- headache

And when she asks who is Lina,

THE DRY COUGH STARTS

Cheer... and stay safe.

2 members reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#255

An American businessman goes to Vietnam on a business trip, but he hates Vietnamese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man,"What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

4 members reacted to this post

alexneoh Active member

73POSTS

3 years ago

#256

This has got to be the cleverest advertising slogan for travelling to Agra in India.

" VIA AGRA"

Come VIA AGRA, you'll see man's greatest erection for a woman...

1 member reacted to this post

alexneoh Active member

73POSTS

3 years ago

#257

It's a doctor's joke... no dirty

Blonde: Doctor, my bottom hurts around the entrance

Doctor: That is exit. As long as you call it entrance, it will hurt

Blonde: ...

TGIF... enjoy

1 member reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#258

Available now, at Amazon!

B1i3u9-Q-KS._CLa%7C2140%2C2000%7CB1kNSyY

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

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Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#259

Back in Toronto, a VN girlfriend of mine said to me,

"If I had a dime for every time someone asked me if I do nails,

I wouldn't have to do nails anymore."

2 members reacted to this post

AndyHCMC ViP

1855POSTS

3 years ago

#260

Available now, at Amazon!

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

- @Aidan in HCMC

On the front and on the back "what if any..."

Nice to get back to sleep before 3 am every morning lol

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AndyHCMC ViP

1855POSTS

3 years ago

#261

I'm thiking of making "it was the Jury's fault" t-shirts lol

1 member reacted to this post

THIGV ViP

4427POSTS

3 years ago

#262

Available now, at Amazon!

My wife, a.k.a."She who must be obeyed" (nod to 'Rumpole of the Bailey') saw this and concurred

- @Aidan in HCMC

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam. Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.

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Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#263

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam.

Especially if you're not Vietnamese. That would be akin to "Kiss me I'm Irish" on a VN

Besides, I'd not be caught dead in a hoodie unless I'm perpetrating a drive-by, or flash-mobbing an "haute couture" retail outlet

Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.

I'd heard that, but I have doubts as to whether it is an actual "law". I've looked for verification of this but have not been able to confirm that it is an actual law. There are manylaws quoted to me by VN friends where it turns out that no law exists. Examples would include, driving your scooter during daylight hours with your headlamp on, and, prohibition against unmarried foreigners and unmarried VN people of opposite sex living together as a couple. Neither of these examples are laws, though a popular misconception among the populace is that they are indeed illegal.

But besides that, this isn't a flag.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.- @THIGV

Oh crap! And I just threw for a brand new pair of Adidas "Marathon"

size-adidas-originals-marathon-tr-yellow

2 members reacted to this post

AndyHCMC ViP

1855POSTS

3 years ago

#264

I expect that you won't get in trouble for an image, but I would recommend against anyone wearing this jacket in Vietnam.
Especially if you're not Vietnamese. That would be akin to "Kiss me I'm Irish" on a VN
Besides, I'd not be caught dead in a hoodie unless I'm perpetrating a drive-by, or flash-mobbing an "haute couture" retail outlet

Are you aware that display of the flag of the Republic of Vietnam with a yellow background with three red stripes is forbidden by law in Vietnam.
I'd heard that, but I have doubts as to whether it is an actual "law". I've looked for verification of this but have not been able to confirm that it is an actual law. There are manylaws quoted to me by VN friends where it turns out that no law exists. Examples would include, driving your scooter during daylight hours with your headlamp on, and, prohibition against unmarried foreigners and unmarried VN people of opposite sex living together as a couple. Neither of these examples are laws, though a popular misconception among the populace is that they are indeed illegal.

But besides that, this isn't a flag.

I remember when one of the girls at my middle school wore a yellow jacket with three red stripes. She walked by me and the school discipline teacher. I looked at him and he just laughed and said the she probably had no idea. I did notice that she did not continue to wear that jacket to school.- @THIGV

Oh crap! And I just threw for a brand new pair of Adidas "Marathon"

- @Aidan in HCMC

Looks like you may need them if the po po come after you lol

2 members reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#265

I'm trembling with anticipation!

69743338_2313380092246902_98338292763721

2 members reacted to this post

THIGV ViP

4427POSTS

3 years ago

#266

Of course the bishop can only move diagonally on the black squares. I am surprised that as a Canadian you didn't say "in Canterbury Cathedral." My maternal grandmother was a Canadian and my mother, although born an American citizen but raised partially in Canada, always called it the Church of England instead of the Episcopal Church as it is known in the US.

1 member reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#267

@THIGV

"Church of England" or "Anglican" are what they are referred to in Canada.

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#268

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones, and a Scotsman?

The Stones say "Hey you, get off'a my cloud"

A scotsman says "Hey Macleod, get off'a my ewe"

3 members reacted to this post

AndyHCMC ViP

1855POSTS

3 years ago

#269

Thats covered the 2 no go areas of the forum politics & religion, back to jokes.....

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Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#270

Thats covered the 2 no go areas of the forum politics & religion, back to jokes.....
- @Andybris2020

Guy walks into a bar and sees a very large jar, stuffed to the brim with $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of $10 bills?"

Bartender says, "That's the prize for anyone who can complete the bar's 3-tier-challenge."

"3-tier-challenge? What's that?", the guy asks.

"First, you have to drink this full bottle of hot sauce. Then you have to go out back where we keep our big nasty guard dog, who's got a really bad rotten tooth, and you have to pull his tooth out. And finally, there's an old lady upstairs who has never done the vertical hokey-pokey (nudge nudge, wink wink). Show her what she's been missing, and the jar of cash is yours!"

"I can't do that! That'd kill me!", says the guy.

Two hours later, after many shots of rye, the guy figures he's invincible and decides to take the challenge.

He downs the full bottle of hot sauce, then staggers to the back door towards the guard dog's house. He opens the door, walks out and slams the door behind him. Within a couple of seconds there's very loud barking, howling, and yelping, then silence. After about 4 or 5 minutes, the guy comes back into the bar, covered with blood, his clothes torn to shreds.

"Right! Now where's that lady with the bad tooth?!"

2 members reacted to this post

Lennerd Serial expat

250POSTS

3 years ago

#271

@Andybris2020

What about filth? Isn't that a no-go area?

The thread is "Let's have a laugh..." I laughed at the word, "locusts."

1 member reacted to this post

Aidan in HCMC Vietnam Expert

4468POSTS

3 years ago

#272

What about filth? Isn't that a no-go area?

- @Lennerd

(okey-dokey)

A young man is at his very first job, night shift, stocking grocery store shelves.

He uses his box cutter to open a box of plastic liquid soap bottles, but inadvertently slices through the plastic bottles inside the box, spilling soap all over the floor.

Panicking that his manager will be upset, he thinks,

"What can you use to clean up soap? Filth?"

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Lennerd Serial expat

250POSTS

3 years ago

#273

A man goes to visit his very elderly mother.

There, he sees she's got a pill stuffed into her ear. Looking closely he sees it's one of her meds that's a suppository.

He: Mom, why is there a suppository in your ear?

Mom: Well! That would explain why I can't find my hearing aid.

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Lennerd Serial expat

250POSTS

3 years ago

#274

A man goes to the doctor. . .

Patient: Doctor, I've got a new problem with flatulence. It's just happening pretty much non-stop. It's not smelly or anything and it's not making any great noise, but still, unending!

Doc: Take these pills every day and come back in a week.

[one week later]

Doc: Well, how did those pills work for you?

Patient: They didn't change the frequency or intensity of the flatulence at all. And now, the smell is overpoweringly awful.

Doc: Okay. Now that we've got your sense of smell working, let's see if we can do something about your hearing.

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Lennerd Serial expat

250POSTS

3 years ago

#275

Man goes to doctor. At the end of the check up . . .

Doc: Is there anything else?

Patient: It's about my wife. It seems like she's losing her hearing.

Doc: When you get home, say something to her from across the room. If she doesn't register that you're talking, go half-way across the room and say it again. If she still doesn't register that you're talking, close the gap by half again. If she still doesn't seem to hear you, close again half the distance between you and repeat.

[Man goes home, finds his wife cooking dinner.]

Man (from the back door entry to the kitchen]: Hi honey! What's for dinner. [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says. . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps right up to to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner?

Wife: For the tenth time, it's chicken!

1 member reacted to this post

goodolboy ViP

2325POSTS

3 years ago

#276

Man goes to doctor. At the end of the check up . . .

Doc: Is there anything else?

Patient: It's about my wife. It seems like she's losing her hearing.

Doc: When you get home, say something to her from across the room. If she doesn't register that you're talking, go half-way across the room and say it again. If she still doesn't register that you're talking, close the gap by half again. If she still doesn't seem to hear you, close again half the distance between you and repeat.

[Man goes home, finds his wife cooking dinner.]

Man (from the back door entry to the kitchen]: Hi honey! What's for dinner. [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says. . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps half the distance to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner? [There's no response so he steps right up to to her and says . . . .]

Man: Hi honey! What's for dinner?

Wife: For the tenth time, it's chicken!
- @Lennerd