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Monthly support to Vietnamese GF a mistake?

NashCat
#1
Met a great Vietnamese girl a year ago online, went to Vietnam for 3 months to meet her. Everything was great. She was beautiful and nice. Not a bar or party girl, and we hit it off the moment we met. She had a restaurant at the time, but, because of disputes with the landlord she was forced to sell the restaurant and lost her savings. I helped her out with the legal fees and when we were together I paid all our entertainment and travelling expenses. When I returned home I agreed to support her monthly ($800), because, she just lost her restaurant and didn't have a job. I also did it, cause I wanted her to have the time to chat with me online. Staying at home for 4 months doing nothing is not for her, so she decided to work again, which I can't blame her. Lately, she been asking for more money to start her off a fresh in her new career. She's currently living with her family, but, she want to live on her own ... new apartment, furnitures, moped, etc. We don't regularly chat online like before because of her job and the time zones different, and it irks me that she's asking for more money. I'll be honest, can't help thinking about stories of Vietnamese girls cleaning bank accounts of their Western boyfriends. We have discuss marriage but I have yet to ask her. So mine financially supporting her is out of heart not through any obligations. Now, that she have a job, I am considering terminating the support. I am planning to return back again in 4 months to make a decision on the next step in our relationship. What's your thoughts and experiences?
See also
G
#2
Is that $800 USD per month? The average monthly salary in VN is about 2-300 USD per month I think. Sooooo she is asking for more? I really don't think you should be sending her anything at this point.
NashCat
#3

Solo1 wrote:

Is that $800 USD per month? The average monthly salary in VN is about 2-300 USD per month I think. Sooooo she is asking for more? I really don't think you should be sending her anything at this point.


Yes $800USD. She's asking for more to pay for a new place to live, furniture, moped, and etc. Her previous job was paying $800 a month.

hELLnoi
#4
Helping her out of kindness of your heart is one thing.
You have added yourself to one of those stories.
Since she started working, your foreign aid program should be terminated or reduced. You may still like her to afford some luxuries while awaiting your return, continuing a revised foreign aid. Otherwise, the money can be put aside for future business ventures.
thanhmai296
#5
$800/month so high ^^ ~ salary for a manager.
VungTauDon
#6
Those red flags that are waving are not Vietnamese flags...lol
C
#7
tell her that you are going to terminate the support. wait for a while and donot discuss further on the money issue. then you can go back to VN to see her. see that she still love you or not :)
hope she not that type of girl. wish you good luck.
Citsym
#8
If your on the forum asking the question, you already know the answer...

Mate of mine is down $3,000 because he had a kind heart. The lady in question refuses to acknowledge him any more and will not pay any money back...

Yes, the flags are waving for you ...
Judy.lovely
#9
The first time...she is not kind of person who love money or need BF to support money every month...
But later and later...You gave her too much money and she spent more and more...She doesn't want to work hard because she have a big amount of money every month.
You woke up the greedy person in her heart. I think you lost her already. Stop spend money and visit her the last time if you want. Because she did it one time...she will do it many times in the future...
khanh44
#10
damn $800/mth. Just to put it into perspective.

My fiance is going to support me and her in a small house. We're going to have utility bills and food expenses. She's got a motorbike already. We're going to have to buy furniture but we expect that she can support us both on her monthly salary of $250/mth.

I've sent her money ($100) just twice at the beginning but she never spends them. When we were together she'd insist on paying and I would let her pay. She's bought me some quite expensive stuff in comparison to her monthly salary. Has your girlfriend ever bought you anything?

I don't know your girlfriend but on paper she sounds like she's playing you until you're broke or you stop with these payments and she'll find the next guy to do the same thing. If you marry her I think money will be a catalyst for many arguments.

Just some things to keep in the back of your mind. Try stopping the support payments for a few months and see how she reacts.
NashCat
#11

christine thuy wrote:

tell her that you are going to terminate the support. wait for a while and donot discuss further on the money issue. then you can go back to VN to see her. see that she still love you or not :)
hope she not that type of girl. wish you good luck.


Yeah. I am ready to terminate the monthly support. I have already promised support payment for the month of August plus extra to help her with the new apartment ($1000), which I will delivered. However, my dilemma is how to break it to her. What will will I say? If she was straight out that type of girl, that would be easy. But I sense she is not. I know money wasn't the reason for the start of this relationship. I have seen her good with children and show compassion for others. Might be a cultural thing, where a Vietnamese girl naturally ask her boyfriend for whatever she need without much thought. But we are not committed, and from a Western perspective, this irks me.

cth
#12
Dude, you'd be spewing knowing where your money went!

The signs are there, don't dig ur hole any deeper.
VungTauDon
#13
I don't know you or your girlfriend but I can say that the situation sounds very very very suspicious.
1. $800 a month salary is very high, especially for a woman in Vietnam. My wife has a 4 year uni degree and works as an account manager for a mid sized company and only makes $500 and that is working 5-1/2 days a week.
2. A single girl living at home with family is very normal, it is more surprising when you meet a single girl who lives alone.
I had a friend who bought an apartment for him and his girlfriend. She told him that because he was a foreigner that he had to pay the 1 year lease in advance and her name was the only one on the lease. 1 Month later brother, sister and mom moved in and kicked him out.
3. As a "business" person I'm surprised she has no form of transportation. She should at a minimum already have a motorbike.
4. There is very little that sounds plausible about this story. If she was successful enough in her business that she actually incurred legal fees that you had to pay then she should be resourceful enough to provide for herself.

If it was me and I wanted to feel her out I would tell her that I had some problem with my work and perhaps lost a portion of my salary for a few months and wouldn't be able to help her for 4 to 6 months and see how she reacts. Keep contact with her but just tell her that you can't help with the money for awhile.

Good luck to you.
G
#14
Well just tell her what you've already said her: She's got a job, and she's got a new apartment, now is the time for her to take care of things herself. If an "independent" lifestyle (living apart from her family) is not something she can afford by her own, then she should choose something else. As simple as that. Plenty of Viet girls ask for this and that from their boyfriends; and plenty don't.

You've set yourself up for a bad situation. And I'm gonna be frank, from what I can tell based on what you've written, you are afraid that she's gonna turn into one of those girls, and that you're gonna lose her. Only one way to find out. And the sooner the better.
VungTauDon
#15
I am renting a 3 story house at $350 a month. Electric is $50
Food maybe $150 TV/Internet $15 water $10, Fuel for motorbike $50

Thats only $625 per month....You can save money buy supporting me, I will stay home and chat with you if you like :P
khanh44
#16
oh yeah whatever money we have left over she's going to send it to her parents.

Surprised your girlfriend hasn't mention anything about sending money to her family. It seems everything is self-centered around her and her needs.
hELLnoi
#17
It was you who initiated sending support VOLUNTARILY.
$800 may be a fair earning for a restaurant, which is equivalent to a manager's salary in a medium sized Vietnamese Company.
She may be preparing her apartment with you.
You DEFINITELY CANNOT stay with her and her Vietnamese family.
Best to have a heart2heart talk to get to the bottom of things.
It doesn't look good till now, but we do not know your love chats.
NashCat
#18

VungTauDon wrote:

I don't know you or your girlfriend but I can say that the situation sounds very very very suspicious.
1. $800 a month salary is very high, especially for a woman in Vietnam. My wife has a 4 year uni degree and works as an account manager for a mid sized company and only makes $500 and that is working 5-1/2 days a week.
2. A single girl living at home with family is very normal, it is more surprising when you meet a single girl who lives alone.
I had a friend who bought an apartment for him and his girlfriend. She told him that because he was a foreigner that he had to pay the 1 year lease in advance and her name was the only one on the lease. 1 Month later brother, sister and mom moved in and kicked him out.
3. As a "business" person I'm surprised she has no form of transportation. She should at a minimum already have a motorbike.
4. There is very little that sounds plausible about this story. If she was successful enough in her business that she actually incurred legal fees that you had to pay then she should be resourceful enough to provide for herself.



Good luck to you.


She is educated, and was very successful in her previous job and managed to saved alot, and decided to start a restaurant. However, before the restaurant started there was problems. Needless to say, she lost her investment including her motorbike. I was there, so the story is genuine. What I am trying to say, if we were married, then this would not be an issue. I would provide for whatever she needs. But at this stage, we are boyfriend and girlfriend with possibilities; marriage discussions only but no engagement. As I said before, my monthly support is out of heart but now is this too much? We don't keep in touch regularly cause she has a job, so what the reason for me sending the money? And how would I break it to her?

C
#19
NashCat

VN women full of dignity Nash (if that your real name). me never ask for anything when i date my bf (now is my husband). when he down with financial, i also help him abit in his biz and never think about get back from him. when he is in finaicially stable, he just simply invite me for a dinner and refuse to receive my support. that is how we make up with the relationship. like the other say, $800 is already too much to live for a single vn lady. me need about 400-500 per month to live comfortable in hcm (alone). another 1000 is far more than comfortable to have all necessary household products. 
If you want to break up with her, keep silent is a simple way (though i not prefer that). But are you sure that her parents allow her to live independent?  tell her straight that you want to have a rest in the relationship (or a pause or whatever you want to call) and that 1000 is the final since she got her job. then you can decide for the relationship.
Adrian_79
#20
I know of some vietnamese girls who maintain 4-5 online overseas boyfriends who rake in 60-80 million dong a month in total. Not saying that your girlfriend's like them but if she really loves you she would make do with far less. Try giving her 300 USD a month which is more than sufficient to survive and watch her reaction.
NashCat
#21

VungTauDon wrote:

I am renting a 3 story house at $350 a month. Electric is $50
Food maybe $150 TV/Internet $15 water $10, Fuel for motorbike $50

Thats only $625 per month....You can save money buy supporting me, I will stay home and chat with you if you like :P


Sorry dude, no offense but would never chat with a girl named Don
... and that avatar too :)

cth
#22

Adrian_79 wrote:

I know of some vietnamese girls who maintain 4-5 online overseas boyfriends who rake in 60-80 million dong a month in total. Not saying that your girlfriend's like them but if she really loves you she would make do with far less. Try giving her 300 USD a month which is more than sufficient to survive and watch her reaction.


Looks like big business over there huh,
Very good advice

VungTauDon
#23
lol...my wife would be jealous anyway :D
saigonmonkey
#24
I'm a firm believer in monthly allowances - but ONLY for a live-in girlfriend! I would NEVER send monthly support to a girl I had met online, and had never lived with. Dude, you've got a HUGE heart to do that, but unfortunately, maybe not much upstairs to match it. Sorry to play Monday morning quarterback with you - the damage is done. You need to stop the money immediately. Take Vungtaudon's advice and tell her you lost your job or something, if you want to let her down easy.

Back when my wife was my live-in girlfriend, I did give her a monthly allowance. Gave her exactly the same amount every month, and she NEVER asked for more. Now that we're married, she informed me that ALL the money I've ever given her is sitting in a bank in China, and WE'LL have it whenever I decide to retire, OR, if something happens to me, she'll have it to take care of herself. Now THAT'S the kind of girl you need to find.

Lastly, I'll add that my wife is Chinese, so many of you may be thinking Chinese girls and Vietnamese girls are different, which is why my situation is different. Today, in 2013, they may be different, because China as a whole today is a little more affluent than Vietnam. However, years ago when I met my wife, from what I was told at the time, Chinese girls were very similar to many of today's Vietnamese girls - looking for men with money to help support them and their families. At the time, I didn't know if my wife (then girlfriend) was one of those kinds of girls or not. But I eventually found out. Then I married her.
NashCat
#25

hELLnoi wrote:

It was you who initiated sending support VOLUNTARILY.
$800 may be a fair earning for a restaurant, which is equivalent to a manager's salary in a medium sized Vietnamese Company.
She may be preparing her apartment with you.
You DEFINITELY CANNOT stay with her and her Vietnamese family.
Best to have a heart2heart talk to get to the bottom of things.
It doesn't look good till now, but we do not know your love chats.


When she lost her restaurant and did not have a job, I stepped in to provide financial support to ease her minds. We did speak about her getting her own place before I return back to Vietnam in December and we would stay together. But today, I have learned that she wants to moving in with her girlfriend in a new place now. That bothers me, cause I have to stay in a hotel when I returned. I don't know if she give much thought to that or she just wanted to move out of her family house. She was independent before and did live on her own.

C
#26

Adrian_79 wrote:

I know of some vietnamese girls who maintain 4-5 online overseas boyfriends who rake in 60-80 million dong a month in total. Not saying that your girlfriend's like them but if she really loves you she would make do with far less. Try giving her 300 USD a month which is more than sufficient to survive and watch her reaction.


huh??? true or not? should left my job, stay at home and surfing internet all day lol :p

thanhmai296
#27
yes. We have a Vietnamese girl here =.=
NashCat
#28

saigonmonkey wrote:

.... you've got a HUGE heart to do that, but unfortunately, maybe not much upstairs to match it....


Yeah, love and testosterone combination is poison for the mind.

Adrian_79
#29
Christine im serious. She started a restaurant in a prime area of Q1 with the money she collected but it went out of business in like 5 months. Now she's back on the laptop concentrating on her more profitable ventures lol
C
#30

NashCat wrote:
hELLnoi wrote:

It was you who initiated sending support VOLUNTARILY.
$800 may be a fair earning for a restaurant, which is equivalent to a manager's salary in a medium sized Vietnamese Company.
She may be preparing her apartment with you.
You DEFINITELY CANNOT stay with her and her Vietnamese family.
Best to have a heart2heart talk to get to the bottom of things.
It doesn't look good till now, but we do not know your love chats.


When she lost her restaurant and did not have a job, I stepped in to provide financial support to ease her minds. We did speak about her getting her own place before I return back to Vietnam in December and we would stay together. But today, I have learned that she wants to moving in with her girlfriend in a new place now. That bothers me, cause I have to stay in a hotel when I returned. I don't know if she give much thought to that or she just wanted to move out of her family house. She was independent before and did live on her own.


now you got a clue for that.giving out your money, your effort and you got...hotel room to stay while the other enjoy your money.i think you better give it up and do it now :(

khanh44
#31
This might sound bad but dude you have lots of money to give. Lots of Vietnamese girls go for guys with lots of money. You can afford to pick and choose. Take your time and find the one that honestly cares more for you than herself. Too many girls pollute the online dating sites looking for their money victim. They always have a sob story to tell. But if you have a choice fly to Vietnam for 3 months and find your girl. Get to know her family and how she lives.
hELLnoi
#32

christine thuy wrote:
NashCat wrote:

When she lost her restaurant and did not have a job, I stepped in to provide financial support to ease her minds. We did speak about her getting her own place before I return back to Vietnam in December and we would stay together. But today, I have learned that she wants to moving in with her girlfriend in a new place now. That bothers me, cause I have to stay in a hotel when I returned. I don't know if she give much thought to that or she just wanted to move out of her family house. She was independent before and did live on her own.


now you got a clue for that.giving out your money, your effort and you got...hotel room to stay while the other enjoy your money.i think you better give it up and do it now :(


Wrong.
Your girl may be thinking well to set up a nest for you.
Unlike in the West, it is safer to have all rooms lived in. That is also a SOURCE of income.
DEFINITE:
1. You canNOT stay in her family house.
2. That is most logical, if she intended for you to stay with her
3. The spare room will income since she is not trading.
   (Vietnamese business mind)
4. Hotels are also problem as well. Foreigner with Vietnamese girl. Hotels are not long term solutions.
5. She "has to inform the local police" of your stay (?)
{Check out other threads in Vietnam Forum}

AlexSarah
#33
I'd happily talk to someone for $800USD  a month..
Citsym
#34
Hey..but Vung Tau Don wont be as pretty :)
ancientpathos
#35

AlexSarah wrote:

I'd happily talk to someone for $800USD  a month..


Can I write you a check from a closed bank account?

C
#36

hELLnoi wrote:
christine thuy wrote:
NashCat wrote:

When she lost her restaurant and did not have a job, I stepped in to provide financial support to ease her minds. We did speak about her getting her own place before I return back to Vietnam in December and we would stay together. But today, I have learned that she wants to moving in with her girlfriend in a new place now. That bothers me, cause I have to stay in a hotel when I returned. I don't know if she give much thought to that or she just wanted to move out of her family house. She was independent before and did live on her own.


now you got a clue for that.giving out your money, your effort and you got...hotel room to stay while the other enjoy your money.i think you better give it up and do it now :(


Wrong.
Your girl may be thinking well to set up a nest for you.
Unlike in the West, it is safer to have all rooms lived in. That is also a SOURCE of income.
DEFINITE:
1. You canNOT stay in her family house.
2. That is most logical, if she intended for you to stay with her
3. The spare room will income since she is not trading.
   (Vietnamese business mind)
4. Hotels are are problem as well. Foreigner with Vietnamese girl. Hotels are not long term solutions.
5. She "has to inform the local police" of your stay (?)
{Check out other threads in Vietnam Forum}


Problem is we dont know hELLnoi. we can be right and can be wrong too.

Tito12
#37
my god, the idiocy and naivety  of some guys here.. $800/month...dude,they ride you well..

Just like there are lots of men coming to Vietnam having multiple girlfriends so there are lots of girls who have multiple sponsors aka boyfriends,just like someone told you..

You gotta understand this:
- the way she (this is in general for such girls,not necessarily for your gf) behaves when you are there with her can be completely opposite of what she behaves when you are not there. I have seem the girls behaving in the most caring and loving way (my honey this, my honey that,feeding them in front of others...) when their boyfriend visited but once he is gone they are back in their ways. I know few girls who work at massage parlors,give BJ and then come back loving kissing their unsuspecting boyfriends.
- monthly allowance. It depends on the girl, really. In some cases (especially where you see on the outside that couple doesn't match) allowance is like you are buying peace,love,whatever for specific amount. In other cases it can be ok. Sending large amounts while you are not being with her is downright dumb, sorry for being blunt.
- with sending so much money you are risking of making her getting used to this and getting greedy,just like someone told you already. You can easily corrupt a person,especially in SE Asia.
- you never know where money for the restaurant came from. Yes,it is possible that her story is true but it is also possible that it came from another ,previous "overseas boyfriend" who sent her money just like you. You will really never know.
- one of the big mistakes a guy NOT staying with girl but sending money can make is to think he can see if she is a good girl by stop sending her some money for some time (for example you would say you have some financial problems and for 2 or 3 months can't send money)to see what happens. Mate, girls in SE Asia can be pros in this area. If she is stupid she will nag but the clever girl will simply redistribute the money from other overseas or local boyfriends and give you the impression that she is a good girl. I know a girl who stopped working at massage parlor or being GFE because she found a boyfriend who gave her enough money and stayed with her. He got suspicious,had some fight with her and stopped her allowance to see what happens. She simply (he didn't know) went back to giving HJ or being GFE and after 2 months the guy though she is the good one because she didn't ask the money. Now he is back sponsoring her and in his delusion all is fine :)

One more thing: a loooot of SE Asian girls know that when marriage comes it is over so they want to find the best option before this happens. They know that many expats are also not serious,just coming to SE Asia, promising marriage but then just having some fun and then it's bye..  It is all about the keeping options open as long as possible (usually until marriage)! That is why so many girls have multiple boyfriends at the same time and keep options open, which is in stark contract to how women operate in west. Once she is with you she is perfect gf but once you go out it's back to another guy. In a way it is almost understandable - why would she risk her future on one guy,who might not even come back? Girls are aware that they expiry date is very short in Vietnam  - be over 35 and you are already to old for many men,including some old creeps on this forum. Also they are aware that it is so simple to get a new gf here so they know that expat might do just the same.

Sending money,especially so much is quite risky and in many cases dumb. One thing you need to understand is that once such girls get married they usually stop with these activities. Her future is ,in a way, secured and there is no need to risk it. Of course that doesn't hide the fact that before she got married and was being in relationship with a guy she was cheating,having multiple boyfriends and multiple streams of income but I know few guys who don't really care about this and many more don't even suspect it and will never know it. Some girls even keep contact with their old sponsors after marriage and the husbands are oblivious as to who these guys are lol.. I'm not saying your gf is like that but there are lots of girls like this (Thailand more so but Vietnamese are learning fast).

Many very traditional girls are not like this of course but those girls don't make out with you on second date either or sleep withing a month. Vietnamese men are,again, not stupid ,they know how this works. I know we are appalled in west when hearing this but this is one of the reasons they prefer that the girl is virgin. It is not sure way but in a country like this it is at least some assurance.
hELLnoi
#38

christine thuy wrote:

Problem is we dont know hELLnoi. we can be right AND can be wrong too.


But we are prosecuting her without knowing what NashCat chatted with her, and ready to send her to the gallows without even knowing who she is.

hELLnoi
#39
What I really like to know is
1 How many times did Tito12 get taken for?
2 How much did Tito12 loss to those poorly educated pretty face.
It is very unusual for an educated person from the West to hold such conviction against the women of his employer country.
I am very happy that Tito12 found his deserving spouse in Vietnam.
Tito12
#40

hELLnoi wrote:
christine thuy wrote:

Problem is we dont know hELLnoi. we can be right AND can be wrong too.


But we are prosecuting her without knowing what NashCat chatted with her, and ready to send her to the gallows without even knowing who she is.


We are just telling him what the possibilities are,this is SE Asia and this is how the things are here, especially when it concerns mixed relationships and money. Yes, innocent until proven guilty but you seem to wear a rose colored glasses too often ;)

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