LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Here's a link to some website called Bored Panda.

boredpanda.com/coronavirus-quarantine-covid-19-jokes/- Coronavirus Jokes Are Everywhere And Here Are 30 Of The Best Ones This Week


Here's a sample:

I made the mistake of telling my husband that an early symptom of covid is loss of smell.

He's taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react, informing me that he is 'performing a health check'.

He taught the children this technique.

I may divorce him.

VietCanada wrote:

The priest, suspecting fowl play

I assume the pun was intended?

Ciambella wrote:

VietCanada wrote:

The priest, suspecting fowl play

I assume the pun was intended?

I should point out that I didn't create this joke. My sister put it up on Facebook this morning. It was so funny I had to share.

It also inspired me to search for Covid humour.

But thanks for the compliment Ciambella!

Just something i found on YouTube.
What stage are you in? 

The 4 Stages of Coronavirus

Here are a couple of very funny videos from someone called the juice media. They appear to be a YouTube channel based in Australia. They produce Honest Ads.

These are about the virus obviously.  No-one is spared by these guys. Language warning.

Honest Government Ad | Coronavirus: Flatten The Curve

Honest Government Ad | The Machine

The last 30 seconds or so are just these guys blowing their own horns. (honestly!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPftwVdqh4c

From the Beaverton.

Here's the link but I posted the whole thing.

Man discerns passage of time with ripeness of bananas

LIVING ROOM – As Canada enters its third month of mandatory self isolation, local man, Max Easton, has abandoned all traditional concepts of time and has decided to discern his days using the ripeness of bananas.

“When self-isolation first began, I tried to keep a routine,” said Max, who hasn't left the house since early March. “But soon the days began to meld together and I found myself asking Alexa ‘what day is it?' instead of making her say crude things like I used to do…”

Easton explained that, according to him, Monday to Sunday no longer exist. Instead, the seven days of the week have been replaced with stages of banana ripeness: Green, Greenish, Almost Ripe, Ripe, Very Ripe, Gross, and Dumbledore's Hand. At Dumbledore's Hand, Easton takes his weekly shower.

“Once the bananas become inedible, I store them in the freezer with the others. I swear I'll use them to make banana bread…one day…”

Easton also went on to explain how his twenty-four hour clock is now represented by his cyclical processing of the twelve stages of grief. “Normally, there are only seven stages but I discovered more. So, if you tell me ‘Drag Race is on Fridays at 8PM' that means nothing to me. Instead, if you say “Drag Race is on very ripe day at ‘fuck this, I'm going blonde' then I know exactly what you're talking about.”

“At first, I thought he was just being quirky,” said boyfriend Jamie Sanchez, over Zoom. “We normally schedule daily video calls but then he started setting the date as ‘two ripe avocados from now' and the time as ‘when the shadow from the table hits the wall.' '”

As self-isolation measures are anticipated to continue well into the fall and winter months, Max Easton has already adapted his time telling system to accommodate daylight savings.

“‘When the condensation droplet runs down from my glass', it'll be time to spring forward and then we'll fall back ‘once the light finally leaves my eyes.' ”

This is from NewsThump.

Satirical article more clever than funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn8MxJx_erk

goodolboy wrote:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn8MxJx_erk

So very funny, but true

Decisions Decisions

goodolboy wrote:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn8MxJx_erk

For a second, I thought clip was from this year's Cheltenham Festival.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTYxDMYKyiI

This from the Huffington Post Canada edition.

Justin Trudeau's Hair Is How We Know Time Still Exists During The Pandemic

"The days might blur together, but we can mark their passing from the length of the PM's hair."

"But as our conceptions of work-screen time and fun-screen time, and lying in bed to sleep and lying in bed to contemplate existence start to blur together, Canadians have at least one way to mark each passing day.

Our prime minister's hair."

Read the article if you want but i recommend going straight to the video:

Justin Trudeau Hair Toss

lock down over (for now anyways) heading out for a run

A man comes home and has to tell his wife he lost his job at the pickle factory. When she asks what happened he tells her that he was fired because he stuck his willy in the pickle slicer. His wife cries out OMG....what happened to the pickle slicer?

The man looks down at his feet and says.......she got fired too.

An elderly lady receives a phone call from her husband's doctor. He is calling to tell her the results of her husband's checkup.

"But," he explains " there is a problem. It seems we have two patients here with the exact same name and their files have gotten mixed up. All I can tell you for sure is that your husband either has Aids or Alzheimer's."

"What am I supposed to do?" asks the wife.

"Ok here is what you do, drive your husband to the middle of town and leave him there. If he finds his way home, don't have sex with him.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having c0cktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

A man is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. He is not happy with what he sees and says to his wife, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat, bald and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The wife replies, 'Well think positive honey, your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Definitely a bit funny and not worthy of it's own thread.

We went to hometown this past weekend.  As is always the case one of the first things I do is go to my farm and just have a little look around.  My young brother in law is taking care of it for me.

All of the new little cashew trees are growing in their rows.  Didn't see a single dead specimen which is surprising since they planted 450 trees. 

I went down to the lake for a look.  My brothers installed a new barbed wire fence all along the lake at the high water mark.  This is to keep the free ranging water buffalo that are grazing on the new grass that crops up when the water drops.  The fence is about 350 meters long, all posts are solid concrete and three rows of barbed wire.  Wire is affixed by putting on the fence and hammering over a piece of rebar that sticks out of the concrete post.

I get around to the end where it ties in to my brother in law's land.  For the last 100 meters there are posts but no wire.  I figure they ran out.  Went back to the house and asked my wife to ask him if I miscalculated and need to buy more.

He said no, he had enough wire and finished the fence.  Someone actually came  a short time later and pried open the rebar and rolled up and stole barbed wire off of a fence!

I couldn't believe it.  First off it's a lot of work and second the wire isn't that expensive.  But I guess if you are dirt poor you can expend a lot of engergy to save a few dong.

So I guess we need to fence again.  My wife says this is why we can't have a nice house out there with nobody living there.  She says they will steal everything.  I'm already planning on building a little house on the property this winter so my brother in law has a place to stay during cashew season.  He says if you don't stay on site people will just come in and pick up your cashews from your property.  So after I build the real house I guess I'm going to hire a caretaker, give him the little house for free rent and a couple million a month.  He or they if it's a couple can watch over the place and maybe water my plants when I'm gone.

Weld the wire down and electrify it 😁

There is a good reason why every house in the country has a dog, bars on the windows and lights on at night.

My inlaws are so over the thiefs in their area, they now have 3 dogs and their son sleeps outside.

The thing I just can't get, it's their neighbors most likely.  It's pretty rural and everyone knows everyone.  I can't imagine going great distances to steal this stuff and in my case it had to be a local that drove 1km down a single dirt track to my farm at the end of the path to even see the fence.  Stealing of course is wrong.  Stealing from people you know is just wrong-er.    But in this case I've heard it justified that they can steal from the white guy because he is rich and can afford it.

And yes, like you, they have several dogs, dad sleeps in the hammock outside and all motorbikes go in the house every night.

OK enough of that, this is the laugh thread.

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" Vietnamese woman I got talking to at a bar in Bui Vien Street.

She looked pretty dam HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

I said no, but you might be able to talk me into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into my eyes she says

"Tonight's your lucky night."

So we jump in a taxi & go back to her place, she opens the door, clicks on the hall light & she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"

goodolboy wrote:

I had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" Vietnamese woman I got talking to at a bar in Bui Vien Street.

She looked pretty dam HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while we were chatting, she came right out and asked me if I'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

I said no, but you might be able to talk me into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into my eyes she says

"Tonight's your lucky night."

So we jump in a taxi & go back to her place, she opens the door, clicks on the hall light & she shouts upstairs: "Mom! You still awake?"

And being the type of guy you are you were up to the challenge. Well done! 

Yesssssssssss give it to them Trunky


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyvsek1FP3Q

rubber

***

parrot


A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why is this parrot so cheap?," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a bordello and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi  Keith, nice to see you again”

“I want to live to eternity”, a man said to his Guru. His Guru told him “Then get married”. The man then asked “Will that allow me to live forever?” “No” replied his Guru “but it will get rid of the desire”.

goodolboy wrote:

“I want to live to eternity”, a man said to his Guru. His Guru told him “Then get married”. The man then asked “Will that allow me to live forever?” “No” replied his Guru “but it will get rid of the desire”.

 

The irony is that married men tend to live longer than single men.

goodolboy wrote:

“I want to live to eternity”, a man said to his Guru. His Guru told him “Then get married”. The man then asked “Will that allow me to live forever?” “No” replied his Guru “but it will get rid of the desire”.

A man is incomplete until he's married.

Then he's finished...

OceanBeach92107 wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

“I want to live to eternity”, a man said to his Guru. His Guru told him “Then get married”. The man then asked “Will that allow me to live forever?” “No” replied his Guru “but it will get rid of the desire”.

A man is incomplete until he's married.

Then he's finished...

So what about if he gets married multiple times?

What if he marries his stepmother?

colinoscapee wrote:

What if he marries his stepmother?

OFFS thats real swampy stuff!!

goodolboy wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

What if he marries his stepmother?

OFFS thats real swampy stuff!!

The thing is....it does happen!!

goodolboy wrote:

So what about if he gets married multiple times?

He believes in the theory that cats have nine lives.