LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Corporate Executive (AKA killjoy)

A secretary, an assistant and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears to grant them each one wish.

The secretary says, “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She's gone.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life,” says the assistant. And poof! Just like that, he's gone.

“You're next,” the genie says to the boss. He says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”




ANDY LEWIS, Executive vice president and general manager, Warner Bros. Animation

A prayer is answered

Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”

And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”

One day she prayed, “Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries.”

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.

“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbor said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”

“Praise the Lord,” the woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”

A man and a dog go into a bar.

The bartender says you're welcome here but that dog has to leave now!

Man: But this is a talking dog.
Bartender: I don't care if it's a talking dog, you have to take it out of here.
Man to Dog: What's the top of a house?
Dog: Roof! Roof!
Man to Dog: What's the skin on a trunk of a tree:
Dog: Bark! Bark!
Bartender: Get that dog out of here before I call security!

Man and dog exit bar. Now out on sidewalk in front of bar.

Dog, looking up at man: Which part did I get wrong?

An engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates.

"Sorry," St. Peter tell him, "but you're in the wrong place."  He snaps his finger and the engineer finds himself in hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer starts making improvements.

One day, God phones Satan to ask how things are going.

"Great," he answers. "We've got central air and escalators now.  There's no telling what that engineer will come up with next."

"You've got an engineer?" God says.  "There's been a mistake.  Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan chuckles.  "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"



Vicky Bullett

Andybris2020 wrote:

Jlgarbutt wrote:

goodolboy wrote:

the army delivered my bread order today, tea n toast tomorrow morning. Life is good!


Jammy sod..
Here bread is like gold dust, neither Vinmart ever had any and the only locals shop that does is a trip to Thao Dien .

Even Mega Market is a no go, checkpoints in place and if you get caught you have to pay..

Someone I know who runs a homestay a couple of KMs down the road for given government cash 69usd per room.. with 7 occupied rooms a nice little bonus


https://i.postimg.cc/9rcT9GBp/AEON-BREAD.png

My GF has a great recipe if you have somethig to cook it in,,,

Most people have a kitchen

A religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut.

Squawking and cursing comes out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.

The woman is scared that she's hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks
calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into her eyes and says “Ma'am, I'm truly sorry if my language offended you. If I may ask, what
did the chicken do?”





Seen on Reddit

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your Christmas son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son asked, shocked.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they're getting divorced. I'll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we arrive. We'll both be there tomorrow,” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, grinning. “Sorted! They're coming to us for Christmas—and they're paying their own way.”



Seen on Reddit

Which mask to is appropriate?

https://cdn.substack.com/image/fetch/f_ … 7x768.jpeg

Hello everyone,

Please note that unfortunately some inappropriate posts (political/racist) have been removed from this thread.

Let's keep that thread a place where we can all laugh without being disrespectful.

Cheers,

Cheryl
Expat.com team

Cheryl wrote:

Hello everyone,

Please note that unfortunately some inappropriate posts (political/racist) have been removed from this thread.

Let's keep that thread a place where we can all laugh without being disrespectful.

Cheers,

Cheryl
Expat.com team

Seriously, its humour, its not a political rant.

Seriously, its humour, its not a political rant.

Now that's funny!

The local grocery store has me worried about their "social distancing" policy.

They put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, so no way I'm falling for that.

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks.
"We're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for this summer. We'll still require mandatory temperature checks for everyone that enters the venue," the promoter says.

"If you're hot-blooded, they'll check it and see."

Want to hear a Covid joke?
You probably won't get it.

What's the difference between a censor and a moderator?



<this comment has been removed>

Yesterday my WiFi went down. I called Viettel to report. One sweet (or shit) female voice: Can you tell me your phone number, sir? We will call you back after 5 minutes.
Me: Don't you see my number in front of you? (stupid question. They can see number in computer)
Girl: Sorry, sir. We will call you after 5 minutes.
Waited 20 minutes but no calls from Viettel.
I called again but this time a male voice talked in Vietnamese.
Me: Em oi! Transfer call to someone who can speak English!
Boy: Okay sir, please wait a moment.
......
.......
No response!
Me: Em oi, why take so long? My internet connection went down. You should fix it.
Boy: Okay sir, please give me your number(now he speaking in English). We will contact after 5 minutes (IVRS staffs?).
Me: Em oi! Are you born as a stupid or acting stupid? Cannot you see my number in monitor?
Boy: Sorry sir, I will say it to confirm, 0363.....

Again after 5 minutes, nothing happened. When I tried to call nobody picking up!
I just went to Tran Hung Dao Viettel office. They told me that they will fix it tomorrow. I told them that I will wait until 5pm tomorrow. Don't let me come here again em ois
When I come back home, internet is ready!
Secret: There is a long drama happened in Viettel Office with me, 3 staffs and a customer guy You can just imagine what happened behind the scenes
When we nice, people are not nice. What should I do?

I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, coincidentally, we both dressed as dolphins!

We just clicked...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

Aidan in HCMC wrote:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he absolutely refuses Moderna.
He said, “ Jus' 'cause she sanged some good pop songs back in the 80s, that don't mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

Aidan in HCMC wrote:

I met my wife at a fancy costume party where, coincidentally, we both dressed as dolphins!

We just clicked...

.
.

These days I don't like dolphins much. They make me nervous and uncomfortable.
Never trust a species that's always smiling. They're up to something!

Aidan in HCMC wrote:

Never trust a species that's always smiling. They're up to something!

You mean like the guy in the photo next to your name?   

A Malaysian, a Laotian, a Burmese and a Vietnamese walk in to a bar.
Stopped at the door, the bouncer tells them,
"Sorry gentlemen, I can't let you in without a Thai."

A young city boy, spending his summer holidays at his grandparent's rural home, was moping around, obviously bored.
Seeing this, his grandfather says to him, "Why don't you go up on the mountain with the dogs and do some shooting?" The boy sets out with his grandfather's rifle, obviously anxious at the opportunity to break the monotony.
After about an hour, the boy returns, saying, "That was fun, grandpa! Got any more dogs?"

OFFS 

I know I'm in trouble when my wife starts using the "F" word and the "N" word

Me; Are you okay, darling?
Her; "FINE!"

Me; What's wrong?
Her; "NOTHING!"

[link under review]. 

- @Aidan in HCMC

[link under review]. 

- @Aidan in HCMC

Hmmm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AeO-dKGBLs

- @Aidan in HCMC

[link under review]. 

- @Aidan in HCMC

Hmmm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AeO-dKGBLs

- @Aidan in HCMC

Is that a real guru or is it Donald Sutherland with a beard?
- @THIGV

But I digress. Yes, a darn-tootin, high-falootin, ding-dang-a-doodle real to life guru.

@Travelfar: Haha. I had a good laugh. Thank you so much for sharing