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LETS HAVE A LAUGH BUT NO FILTH

Last activity 09 December 2024 by Aidan in HCMC

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Aidan in HCMC
One drunken night in Saigon a couple of years ago I mistakenly walked in to a gay bar.
It was crazy.

There was fifteen guys for every guy.
Fred
Good Onya.E4-Qzd-O-Xo-AAk-TAg.jpg
- @colinoscapee
... get set ... 😁
- @OceanBeach92107

GO!
Fred
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones, and a Scotsman?

The Stones say "Hey you, get off'a my cloud"

A scotsman says "Hey Macleod, get off'a my ewe"
- @Aidan in HCMC
Ram that in his face
alexneoh
Matthew woke up one morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of whiskey bottles that has caused the fight. He took the crate outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing "You are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle swearing "You are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle "You are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realised that the bottle was still sealed and full.

He hesitated for a moment and said "You stand aside, I know you were not involved".

1f923.svg

alexneoh
ENGLISH LESSON

Tsunami - T is silent
Honest - H is silent
Psychology - P is silent
Knife - K is silent
Wife - Husband is silent

Class dismissed...
alexneoh
Why having a good command of English is important?

Carl washed his underwear and hung it to dry on his neighbour's fence. Since it was the rainy season, he clipped a note on it with his basic English.

Lynn, his neighbour got a shock of her life when she read his note:

Please remind me to remove my underwear, when you remove your clothes!.

1f917.svg TGIF...
River Frogs
@Aidan in HCMC
Was that a Sun Tzu or Groucho Marx quote? Regardless, good practical advice.
Lennerd
@alexneoh

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I offer the following.

The T is not silent in "tsunami." It is not pronounced "soo-NAM-ee." The "ts" sound is the same as the "ts" sound in the word, "cats." It's just that in English, we have no words that *start* with that sound, but we do have many words, besides cats, with that sound imbedded. The word was imported into English from the Japanese, where many words have the "ts" sound as the initial consonant.

sits
hits
mitts
zits
fits

The sound is unvoiced, it sounds the same whether you're speaking out loud or whispering.

And how about these? They have the "ts" sound with an added "ess" immediately before (for extra fun for some ESL learners). :)  Speak them slowly, dragging out the first "ess" and hitting the "ts" hard at the end. You'll hear the "ts" sound clearly.

mists
fists

Then to say "tsunami" you can just start with that sound. 😃
Lennerd
for @Aidan in HCMC, a man who clearly loves a good laugh.

There was a 1950s TV show hosted by Groucho Marx called "You Bet Your Life." In the show, Groucho would have a regular person and a celebrity (sometimes minor celeb*) play a quiz game as a team of two.

Before they'd get to the quiz, Groucho, holding his trademark cigar, would do a short interview with the contestants.

Groucho: And what do you do?
Woman Contestant: Oh, I'm a housewife.
G: And does that keep you busy?
W: Yes it does.
G: Well how does that keep you busy?
W: I have 14 children.
G: Wow! What did you do to get 14 children?
W: I love my husband.
G (brandishing his cigar): I love my cigar, but I take it out sometimes.

Apparently the censors of the day thought that was a remark too far and took old Groucho off the air for that quip. By today's TV standards that is just tame, but there you are.

* One of the minor celebrities I saw on the show was Johnny Weissmuller, before he got his TV gig playing Tarzan. I of course only saw the show in reruns.
Guest2023
@alexneoh

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I offer the following.

The T is not silent in "tsunami." It is not pronounced "soo-NAM-ee." The "ts" sound is the same as the "ts" sound in the word, "cats." It's just that in English, we have no words that *start* with that sound, but we do have many words, besides cats, with that sound imbedded. The word was imported into English from the Japanese, where many words have the "ts" sound as the initial consonant.

sits
hits
mitts
zits
fits

The sound is unvoiced, it sounds the same whether you're speaking out loud or whispering.

And how about these? They have the "ts" sound with an added "ess" immediately before (for extra fun for some ESL learners). smile.png  Speak them slowly, dragging out the first "ess" and hitting the "ts" hard at the end. You'll hear the "ts" sound clearly.

mists
fists

Then to say "tsunami" you can just start with that sound. 😃
- @Lennerd

The other side of the debate.

In English the word is pronounced [sunami] rather than [tsunami] since English does not allow syllable-initial [ts]. This is yet another example of insane English spelling practices and of the fact that they cannot be blamed entirely on the preservation of archaic spellings. The word could perfectly well have been borrowed into English as sunami. The person learning to write English must memorize the fact that this [s] is written <ts> for no reason at all. Note that the English spelling does not even have the virtue, whatever that might be, of preserving the Japanese spelling since Japanese is not written in Roman letters.

OceanBeach92107
@alexneoh

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I offer the following.

The T is not silent in "tsunami." It is not pronounced "soo-NAM-ee." The "ts" sound is the same as the "ts" sound in the word, "cats." It's just that in English, we have no words that *start* with that sound, but we do have many words, besides cats, with that sound imbedded. The word was imported into English from the Japanese, where many words have the "ts" sound as the initial consonant.

sits
hits
mitts
zits
fits

The sound is unvoiced, it sounds the same whether you're speaking out loud or whispering.

And how about these? They have the "ts" sound with an added "ess" immediately before (for extra fun for some ESL learners). smile.png  Speak them slowly, dragging out the first "ess" and hitting the "ts" hard at the end. You'll hear the "ts" sound clearly.

mists
fists

Then to say "tsunami" you can just start with that sound. 😃
- @Lennerd

The other side of the debate.

In English the word is pronounced [sunami] rather than [tsunami] since English does not allow syllable-initial [ts]. This is yet another example of insane English spelling practices and of the fact that they cannot be blamed entirely on the preservation of archaic spellings. The word could perfectly well have been borrowed into English as sunami. The person learning to write English must memorize the fact that this [s] is written <ts> for no reason at all. Note that the English spelling does not even have the virtue, whatever that might be, of preserving the Japanese spelling since Japanese is not written in Roman letters.

- @colinoscapee
Actually, "in English", tsunami is pronounced starting with a very hard "T":

Tidal wave...
Aidan in HCMC
Actually, "in English", tsunami is pronounced starting with a very hard "T":

Tidal wave...
- @OceanBeach92107

nice LOL
THIGV
The other side of the debate.

In English the word is pronounced [sunami] rather than [tsunami] since English does not allow syllable-initial [ts]. This is yet another example of insane English spelling practices and of the fact that they cannot be blamed entirely on the preservation of archaic spellings. The word could perfectly well have been borrowed into English as sunami. The person learning to write English must memorize the fact that this [s] is written <ts> for no reason at all. Note that the English spelling does not even have the virtue, whatever that might be, of preserving the Japanese spelling since Japanese is not written in Roman letters.

- @colinoscapee

I think the difference is in when the word was borrowed.   Most of our borrowed words come from Norman French after the invasion of 1066. and hence are nearly a thousand years old.  I remember tsunami becoming more prevalent in the 60's and newspapers feeling the need to explain what it meant.   As such you could say it was top down instead of bottom up as most earlier borrowings were.   It is definitely post WW II.   There  are romanized versions of Japanese that have been around since the 19th century, perhaps intended as a means of communication with the West in the Meiji period.

AndyHCMC
Is there class notes or handouts & will this be in the final test?
Fred

I think the difference is in when the word was borrowed.   Most of our borrowed words come from Norman French after the invasion of 1066.

- @THIGV

Dunt talk wet, lad.
The north of England - that's the bit where people talk to strangers on the bus - has lots of borrowed words from the Vikings.
Then comes the English stealing words from India and a lot of other places. We can't forgot good old Anglo-Saxon words that survive, and quite a lot from Latin, Greek, and a lot of other tongues. Even the Australian aboriginals gave us a few when we stole Australia.
That hoppy creature that looks like the biggest rat you ever saw outside the British Labour party's party's front bench, is actually named after the first words of a claustrophobic Scottish chef  who was stuck in his cabin as his ship neared that Island continant's shore.
An officer asked if anyone knew what that strange creature was ....
"A cannie ger ou" - shouted the chef through a porthole - and the animal got its name.
Aidan in HCMC

I think the difference is in when the word was borrowed.   Most of our borrowed words come from Norman French after the invasion of 1066.

- @THIGV

Dunt talk wet, lad.
The north of England - that's the bit where people talk to strangers on the bus - has lots of borrowed words from the Vikings.
Then comes the English stealing words from India and a lot of other places. We can't forgot good old Anglo-Saxon words that survive, and quite a lot from Latin, Greek, and a lot of other tongues. Even the Australian aboriginals gave us a few when we stole Australia.
That hoppy creature that looks like the biggest rat you ever saw outside the British Labour party's party's front bench, is actually named after the first words of a claustrophobic Scottish chef  who was stuck in his cabin as his ship neared that Island continant's shore.
An officer asked if anyone knew what that strange creature was ....
"A cannie ger ou" - shouted the chef through a porthole - and the animal got its name.
- @Fred

I've always found it odd that throughout history, whenever the British Isles were invaded (again and again) by conquering mainlanders, that the conquerers within one generation wound up speaking English. The usual outcome of such invasions/occupations the world over has resulted in the locals speaking the language of the foreign interlopers.
Not so for Old Blighty.
The exception would be Manuel :)

f26b7049fe95984177172e50a3bd5e4f.jpg
Aidan in HCMC
Having trouble posting an image. Try again.

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alexneoh
Hey guys... thanks for the feedback and sharing the constructive pronunciation. For me being Asian, myself sometime at lost when communicating in the English. Eg:
- is it tor-meh-to or to-ma-toes?
- is it por-tar-tor or po-ta-toes?

Likewise writing in English:
- color or colour?
- specialise or specialize?
- penalising or penalizing?

And with recently learned of borrowed English by VN'ese eg:
- Fa ke - Fake
- Cu te - Cute
- Ca ri - Curry
- Con tac - Contact

Well I would say that its a choice of words used and the objective is to send out the correct intended message rather than penalising on the words fundamental. Let's get back to the subject header - "lets have a laugh" else the ban hammer will be dropping again. Cheers.
Guest2023
Hey guys... thanks for the feedback and sharing the constructive pronunciation. For me being Asian, myself sometime at lost when communicating in the English. Eg:
- is it tor-meh-to or to-ma-toes?
- is it por-tar-tor or po-ta-toes?

Likewise writing in English:
- color or colour?
- specialise or specialize?
- penalising or penalizing?

And with recently learned of borrowed English by VN'ese eg:
- Fa ke - Fake
- Cu te - Cute
- Ca ri - Curry
- Con tac - Contact

Well I would say that its a choice of words used and the objective is to send out the correct intended message rather than penalising on the words fundamental. Let's get back to the subject header - "lets have a laugh" else the ban hammer will be dropping again. Cheers.
- @alexneoh


There are numerous difference between American and British English, not enough that you can't be understood.
Aidan in HCMC
The United States of America and Britain, "two nations separated by a common language" 
    George Bernard Shaw


As a Canadian, we are somewhere in the middle, oft times sounding as people from the USA, but spelling as Brits.
:)
Aidan in HCMC
(an oldie, but still a goodie)
A bricklayer's accident report, as seen in the newsletter of the Workers' Compensation board.


Dear Sirs,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 pounds.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 185 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, deep abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly by the encounter with the barrel, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which accounts for the four broken fingers and various lacerations of my right hand.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience extreme pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can well imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to improve. The encounter with the barrel slowed my descent enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Thanks in advance for expediting my claim,

Sincerely

John K. Smith



original author unknown (but performed by many)

Fred
Americans say 'to may toes'
The British pronounce it correctly
Fred
(an oldie, but still a goodie)
A bricklayer's accident report, as seen in the newsletter of the Workers' Compensation board.

original author unknown (but performed by many)

- @Aidan in HCMC


and the best by far is ...

Aidan in HCMC
Three older guys are sitting around, when one says, "I wish I could still do a strong healthy pee-pee."
The second guy says "I wish I could still have regular healthy bowel movements."
Third guy say, "No problem there for me. I do both, every morning at 8:00, like clockwork.

I just wish I could get out of bed before 9:00"
Friday with Mateo
***
Moderated by Bhavna 2 years ago
Reason : religious
We invite you to read the forum code of conduct
AndyHCMC
@Friday

Please refrain from anything religious or political - even if it is a joke - Admin will delete have a read of Code of Conduct to see guidlines
Aidan in HCMC
A Vietnamese, a Cambodian, and a Laotian walk into a bar.
They're stopped at the door by the bouncer, who tells them,

"I'm sorry gentlemen, but I can't let you in without a Thai"
Friday with Mateo

@Andybris2020 That was neither a religious nor political joke ... pure corn ... but noted nonetheless

THIGV

@Andybris2020 That was neither a religious nor political joke ... pure corn ... but noted nonetheless

- @Friday with Mateo


Get used to it.  1f643.svg
Aidan in HCMC
.

T3L9e.jpeg
Aidan in HCMC
My wife has been hinting that I'm starting to look fat.

I told her "Please don't be fat-shaming me.
I've got enough on my plate already!"
Aidan in HCMC
I asked my doctor for advice about losing weight, and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty".
I asked him "What do you mean, things like ice cream and burgers?"

"No", he replied. "Don't eat anything, fatty".
Aidan in HCMC
I believe this pilot is with Quantas.

e93a19044ffa855d1b21e13c96d937fe3c14bd9c
Friday with Mateo

@Aidan in HCMC On the topic of doctor visits and weight issues ... I think I might need to get on a diet ... just last week I went in for a doctor's visit ... he told me to open my mouth and say "oink."  -- Norm McDonald

Aidan in HCMC
The true, and guaranteed key to finding happiness is low expectations.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Lower.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nope, even lower
.
.
.
.
.
.
There you go!
AndyHCMC
A bit like setting a low standad and continually failing to reach it,,,,
goodolboy
https://i.postimg.cc/mcLZK8nG/cool-water.png
Mac68
@Aidan in HCMC.

My dad was something of a punster. Whenever we drove past a cemetery, he'd gesture with his thumb and say, "People are just dying to get in there."

It was so predictable, that sometimes my two brothers and I could time it exactly and say it with him.
- @Lennerd

Da Dum,,,,
and I remember my once  Father-in-law, who asked if I wanted to take over his funeral home, I declined, but then he quipped, "would you like to go over there and have a cool one?"

MAc
Lennerd
@Aidan in HCMC

"I hit bottom when I couldn't lower my expectations fast enough."
Travelfar
Lauren was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband’s hand caressing her neck. Then it slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which was as far as her husband could reach. Then he moved closer and did the same on her other side before abruptly stopping and moving away.

Delighted by this unexpected attention, Lauren whispered, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

He answered, “I found the remote.”



source: PALM BEACH FLORIDA WEEKLY

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