Lets crack a joke in this stress life

I could never watch any American alleged comedy series like the dreadful Friends, Frazier and others of that ilk. they rely mostly on canned laughter.

When you look at British comedy like Fools and Horses and Father Ted, they really are in a different league!

Maybe they could invent a new vaccine to inject humour into people?

Oh right the American spelling for humour . That explains why there is no humour 🤣 -@kengillI tend to find American humour to be forced rather than funny.  I tried to watch their comedians, but most are either crap, or rely on swearing to try to raise a laugh.They tend to miss out actual humour as they tend to miss out Us.Look at Friends. 200+ shows, and hardly a laugh to be heard. -@Fred

The laugh track ruined comedy shows as it is used as a vice for comedy on American television.  However, American television shows used to be high quality productions, well written and well acted through the 1980's.  I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, Dick Van Dyke show, The Carol Burnett Show, Andy Griffith Show, MASH, Gilligan's Island, My Three Sons amongst many others come to mind.   Most of todays television is unwatchable, comedies, dramas, "news" shows.  I agree "Friends" was abhorrent.  The best of todays comedy shows are Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Now to end with another joke.

A couple were traveling through Mexico during the 1970's and stopped in a small town for rest and food.  After spending a few hours eating and exploring the town, the couple started to wonder what the time was.  They noticed a man sitting on the ground leaning against a wall in the shade next to his burro.   They asked the man if he knew the time.  He responded, "Ok, let's see" and grabbed the balls of the burro and after a few seconds proclaimed it was 10 after 3.  In amazement, they asked the man how he could tell the time by holding the burro's balls.  The man explains it's simple, I had to lift the burro's balls so I could see the clock tower which was across the street.

A beggar approaches a well dressed man and asks him if he could lend $25.  The well dressed man says he only has $10 on him as he doesn't carry much cash.  The beggar tells him that's ok, I'll take the $10 and you can pay me back the $15 you owe me next week.

@cccmedia

Was the little bigger black ?

After  working for years at the post office a man finally was able to buy his dream house way out in the country to enjoy the rest of his days in peace and quiet .

After a couple  of weeks a man pulls up in the front yard in a beat up , old pick up truck. Knocks on the door and introduced  himself as " the neighbor " which came as some surprise  because  the retired post man had no idea he had neighbors so remote was his house.

The neighbor  says " We are having a little party this weekend  and you are invited. "

The retired post man is happy and gladly accepts the invitation.

The neighbor  says , " There's going to be some drinking."

The retired post man , " That's  fine , though I cut back I still have been known to have a few drinks, don't  mind at all  "The neighbor  says there will be some dancing 

The post man says , I'm not much of a dancer but always wanted to learn .

The neighbor  says , " There might be some fighting."

Retired post  man says, " I have seen that sort of thing usually  when guys are drunk and it's usually  over some girl. I will  keep a low profile  and make sure I don't  hit on anyone's  girl  .

Neighbor  says , "There might be some fuc@in  "

Postman is " Wow sure sounds like a real wild crowd how many people  will be there?"

Neighbor: " Oh , just you and me."

My father passed away last September.  My distraught 8 year old daughter through her tears asked me if she'll get to see grandpa when she dies.  I told her "Not if you're good".

Nao quero.

What’s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind. Marriage is eye-opening.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She turned towards me & gave me big a hug.

I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed and laughed — well, except one person.

When's the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK ?” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife."

How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

My girlfriend and I had a big fight and in my anger, I took her wheelchair from her.  Sure enough, as I figured, she came crawling back to me.

Okay, no joke, but this is pretty damn funny.

Go to Google Translate

Leave the search field as "Detect Language"

paste these three words...

poopen sharten farten

@Aidan in HCMC

Hindi? Are you sure it's not the Swedish Chef?

.

This might be a little bit of a dad joke but here goes:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Doorbell repair man...

Why are cigarettes good for the environment? Because they kill people.

As our mom got older, her health started to decline so we checked her into the hospital.  Test results indicated that she was anemic and needed a transfusion.  So we asked her what her blood type was and all she could do was selflessly think about us as she kept telling us to “be positive,” until her last breath.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

I would like to contribute a joke to your topic ........

Did you hear the news about the Italian bank that provides Paying In slips for its clients ?.

No ?

Precisely !

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a martini. "Would you like an olive with that?", asks the bartender. "I think not", replies Rene and POOF!!, he disappears.

I would like to contribute a joke to your topic ........
Did you hear the news about the Italian bank that provides Paying In slips for its clients ?.

No ?

Precisely ! - @pauldurrant

Okay, I give up. I don't get it.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old."

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire... I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 35+ years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as I...

"Yes. yes, I did,'' he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!", I happily exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that

ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

gray-haired,

decrepit,

idiot,

asked me, "What subject did you teach?"

He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I happily exclaimed.

Very good joke, made me cackle mainly cause I can relate.  I graduated in 1981.  You should have changed the date to like 1972.  Thanks for the joke

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a martini. "Would you like an olive with that?", asks the bartender. "I think not", replies Rene and POOF!!, he disappears. - @daveandmarcia

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

Bartender says, "You mean Martini?"

Roman, "No, just one."

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a martini. "Would you like an olive with that?", asks the bartender. "I think not", replies Rene and POOF!!, he disappears.  - @daveandmarcia
A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.
Bartender says, "You mean Martini?"
Roman, "No, just one." - @Aidan in HCMC

OUCH!

A blind man walks into a bar...and a chair...and a table...and...

My Vietnamese GF was watching a video, and asked me why the lady was laughing so much. She was pausing the video and reading the comments but wasn't understanding very well, so she asked me to help her understand what was so funny.

I was laughing out loud. The comments are genius. Explaining what they mean will take a bit of time.

Laughter really is infectious.

@Aidan in HCMC

That's right up my alley.  I was tearing up from laughing, proving your point.

@Aidan in HCMC

My fault for posting this - my  sense of humour is so dry that not too many people get my jokes.

Please allow me to explain....

Italy has no minimum tax-free band allowing the first few thousand Euros earned exempt from tax so where do the majority of people put their earnings (probably black) ? Under the mattress of course. This negates the need for banks to provide Paying-In slips

A college professor introduces herself to the class, proudly adding...

"In protest over the subjugation of women by our patriarchal society, I changed my surname to my mother's maiden name."

From back of the class...

"So, you're using your grandfather's name?"

Guy goes back to his doctor for his follow-up appointment.

Doc says, "Well, I've got some bad news, and I've got some worse news. What'd you like first?"

Guy says, "Gimme' the bad news first, doc."

"Well, test results show you've only got 24 hours left to live"

Guy asks, "What the hell can be worse than that?!"

Doc says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

What does a Liverpool fan do after winning the Premier League?

Turns off his PlayStation!

Historians believe they found cache of pencils that once belonged to Shakespeare.  The problem is they’re so badly chewed on the ends that they can’t tell if they are 2B or not to 2B

@bosov98599

Now that's funny!

A guy and his friend are up on a hill, testing the new scope on his rifle.

Looking through the scope, the friend says, "Hey, I can see your house from here. And you're not going to like this, but I can see your wife is cheating on you with another man."

Guy says, "Damn!! I want you to shoot her in the head, and shoot the man in his private parts!!"

Friend says, "I can do that with a single round."

Wife texts on a cold winter morning “Windows frozen, won’t open”

Husband responds “Gently pour lukewarm water over it and tap the edges until it breaks loose”

20 minutes later, wife responds “The computer is really messed up now”

I got myself a seniors’ GPS

Not only does it tell me the directions to my destination but it also tells me why I want to go there

A man and his wife were scuba diving in the San Francisco Bay when his wife was swept away by the current and gone. The man searched frantically for her but to no avail. Finally he made his way back to shore and called for help.

The next day there was a knock on his door, it was two San Francisco policemen with grim faces. The first officer said, "Sir, we have some very bad news for you..... but then again we have some better news for you, and we actually have some very good news for you."

The man sat down and said, "give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "We've found you wife's body, sir your wife is dead."

The man said, "Oh my god, what will I do without her, I hope she didn't suffer long, but what is the better news you spoke of?"

Officer, "Well sir, when we pulled her up she had a dozen nice dungeness crabs and a couple 5 pound lobsters on her!"

Man, "That's crazy, how could you do such a thing, what could possibly be the very good news!"

Officer, "The very good news is, we are going to pull her up again in the morning!"

A guy shows up at work Monday morning with a black eye. His work mate asked him what happened?

He said, “I was in church yesterday and when we got up to sing I noticed the heavy set lady in front of me had her dress wedged in her butt crack so I pulled it out and she turned around and decked me!”

The very next Monday when he came to work his other eye was black, his work mate said, “Don’t tell me, you were in church yesterday and pulled the lady’s dress out of her butt crack again?”

The man replied, “No, the guy next to be did, I knew she didn’t like it out so I tried to tuck it back in!”

@Moon Dog

LOL!

It was the convention of the 2025 World Women's Liberation Conference.  The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well."

The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodaux, Louisiana, stood up and said, "Afta last years' conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy coon ass husband'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef."

The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued,

"And I tole'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutrias or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines." The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my left eye.

A pilot is recounting to a young student pilot his experience early in flight training.

Upon reaching the intended elevation, the flight instructor was leering at him and said, "I've got a karate black belt, and I'm an MMA fighter. You're going to have sex with me here and now, or you're jumping out of this plane!"

Student asks, "Did you jump?!"

Pilot, "Yeah, a little at first"

The businessman decided to retire early from his rat race career and realize his lifelong dream of living away from it all. He bought several hundred acres in the wilderness of Montana and built a simple cabin right in the middle of his property. After several months of enjoying the solitude and never seeing another human being, there was a knock at his door. The man at the door announced himself saying “hello, I’m your neighbor.”

The man replied “I didn’t know I had a neighbor, can I help you?”

The neighbor said “I live on the other side of that mountain, every year about this time I have a party and I wanted to invite you.”

The man thought about it for a moment and asked “what kind of party is it?”

The neighbor explained “well, there is always a lot of drinking at my party, there is also some wild sex, and usually some fighting also.”

The man seemed interested and said, “count me in, what should I wear?”

The neighbor came back with “aw, it doesn’t really matter, just going to be you and me.”

A blind man was being interviewed for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is the type and quality of this wood without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."

"Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one."

"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it over?" The secretary turns around and puts her back side in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"