“I was working at the front desk of a cruise ship, and so was my Brazilian husband. He was part of the band that was playing the music in front of my desk. He was scheduled to leave the ship before me, so after some time of dating, he asked me if I wanted to move to his country with him after my contract finished too. I said yes without a second thought, and two months later, I was moving to São Paulo, following my heart.”
In December 2010, Barbara and her husband decided to move to Europe to work together on some art projects and new artistic ideas they had, thinking that Europe is more fitting for developing and managing such plans. However, Barbara found a job immediately, and what was supposed to be a short-term visit to test the waters progressed to an indefinite stay in The Hague. Barbara is a translator and interpreter, and for the whole duration of her stay in Brazil, she worked as a language instructor. Now, she continues to teach alongside education leadership roles.
Barbara loves the safety aspect in the Netherlands, the structure, and the fact that citizens can be active, participate in society, and have a voice. “Politics here is very much alive. And it is so easy (and free of charge) for people to enjoy public spaces such as the parks and beaches. For instance, you can literally cross the country by bike. You can immediately tell it is a functioning society.” Of course, due to Covid-19, Barbara's life in the Netherlands has also changed. Currently, the country operates under a semi-lockdown regime with a 9 PM curfew. Bars and restaurants are closed, and only supermarkets and pharmacies are open, and some shops for pick up. “I haven't been to a bar with a friend for a year. This is quite different from my vibrant routine in Brazil, which involved dancing with friends four to five times per week and regular dining in restaurants. Now, I do a lot of outdoor activities, and am hoping to get back some of the amazing live music culture that the Netherlands has to offer.”
I ask Barbara what the biggest challenge of being a trailing spouse was. She says: “For me, moving to Brazil wasn't a challenge at all because back then I was 25 and ready to see the world. What was hard though, was finding people I could relate to. When I got to Brazil, everyone was welcoming and friendly but different. I felt no one could understand me. It took me a while before I could find like-minded people with whom I shared similar interests and a close way of seeing the world. When that happened, I started to feel at home, and my life was complete — I had a job, my husband, and my friends with whom I could share all of that.”
Expat life for Barbara is an opportunity to learn first and foremost about yourself “because, with every challenge, you are forced to look inwards. Every time you are willing to open up and understand the new culture you are in, you are left with a little bit more. In the end, you see that beyond differences, there are certain things we all have in common such as friendship and the enjoyment from sitting on the beach.”
If you are a woman who has just moved to a new country as a trailing spouse, Barbara gives the heads up that the beginning of your new life, when everything is different, won't be easy. To enjoy the fruits of expat life, you have to be patient and make things start moving for yourself — either find a job or initiate meetings and conversations with other people to find your crowd, and as a result, create space for yourself. “I am a fan of following my heart and instincts. Now that I am older, I listen to my heart, my instincts, and then I pause to think. If it still feels right, I go for it. Moving to another country implies challenges, but then again, you never know the future. You may face challenges within your comfort zone, too, as we have seen with Covid-19. You can be in your home country and have a whole life planned for yourself, and that may not work out.”
Since it's an article for International Women's Day, naturally, the conversation goes to gender equality in Brazil and the Netherlands. “In Brazil, individuals and social movements are working to make improvements and see women's rights being respected. Also, there is more visibility for the LGBTQ+ community. However, at the time, coming from Italy and a liberal and open-minded family, I was shocked about people's reactions when, for example, they would see me out with friends without my husband and question how is it possible to be married and be out dancing alone. I hope things are slowly getting better. On the other hand, the Netherlands is very gender-equal. Now, they are making an effort to promote women in leadership positions and at the government level. Of course, things can always improve, but it is the best country for gender equality I have lived in.”
I ask Barbara to tell me about what International Women's Day means to her. She says: “I am not big on celebrations of any kind, but I feel that whenever there is an occurrence like this, it is an opportunity to stop and think about what it means to celebrate women. Are we celebrating our mothers and grandmothers, who gave so much to nurture and educate us? To push us and allow us to be the women we are today? I had a grandmother who was completely independent and sharp-witted until the end. My mother always encouraged me to go after what I want and enjoy life. International Women's Day is an opportunity to think about them and the impact of their time and attention on someone else's life. Let's stop and think about our sisters and friends who are true companions. As with any festivities, I would say, pause your busy life and reflect on everyone's amazing contribution in your life, your family's, and the society as a whole, not just on this day, but every day.”
