Short jokes

*** Hurting

Old man Joe limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Joe, just how old are you?"
"98!" Joe announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old Joe said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"





*** Stage Show

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first act intermission, he had to urinate in the worst way.
He hurried to the back of the theatre and searched in vain for the men's room.
At last he came upon a fountain surrounded by pretty foliage. He realized that he had wandered backstage. Noting that no one was around, and in desperation, he opened his pants and peed into the fountain.
He had difficulty finding his way back to the auditorium, and by the time he sat down next to his wife, the curtain was up and the actors were moving about on the stage.
"Did I miss much of he second act?" he whispered.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it."

*** Fire & Rescue

Fireman John rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown.
He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.  As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude rushed over her.
She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

*** Foreign Languages

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."  ( reminds me of VN )


*** Park Bench

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?"
"How dare you," yelped the woman, "What do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

*** Speed Trap

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

*** Toilet Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
A fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained
To  give blow jobs!'
 
'Blow jobs?' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true ... No
More blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
 
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical
And laughed it off!

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
Reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

I don't like this joke. 

MIA2013 wrote:

I don't like this joke. 

She's back!!!!!!!  Lucky your not Blonde, I'm starting on them soon.
  Don't worry Lan, I heard you can't buy these frogs in Florida.

A man goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches.
The doctor examines him and says "I can see your problem, your testes are pushing against your spine, hence the headaches".
The man feels relieved the problem is so simple, until the doctor tells him that the only cure his to have both his testes chopped off. Reluctantly he agrees, and a few weeks later comes out of hospital feeling very depressed.
To cheer himself up he decides to buy himself some new clothes. As he walks into the shop the assistant asks him if he would like some new shoes. The man replies yes and without asking,the assistant brings the man the correct size pair off shoes. The man is perplexed by this so the shopkeeper explains that he can gauge his shoe size by experience alone. The assistant then asks the man if he would like a new shirt, and once again brings him a shirt with the right collar size without asking.
Amazed; the man is asked if he would like some new underwear, the shop assistant brings him a pair of briefs with a waist size of 32 inches. The man laughs and says, " Aha I knew I would catch you out, I have been a size 30 inch waist for the past 5 years"
The shop keeper replies "No sir that is far too tight, they will push your testes against your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

My Surgery By Wally

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was Shelley
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown 50cms!
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So Shelley and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, my condition ('Donkey Doodle') could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" Shelley asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," Said Shelley coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Doctor to Lady Patient:
Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are ok.  Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble. 

Lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs....
Doctor:  No! No! No! Please put your clothes back on ... just show me your tongue!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older   person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON  OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

Embarrassing medical  moments.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells.. 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .. ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . .. . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST!!!

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

Rightio then!

Down at the retirement village they have a weekly dance.
One week Bert met Mary.
They hit it off right away.They liked the same  things and enjoyed the same foods.

After they had eaten in the village dining hall,Bert asked Mary back to his room.
Well,one thing led to another and they enjoyed passion like  hadn't enjoyed in a long time.

The next morning Bert says - " Mary,if I had known you were a virgin,I would have bought you flowers".
Mary looks at  him and says -
"Well Bert,if I had known you could get an erection,I would have taken my stockings off!".

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell
phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the  husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm  on the toilet.
Please advise."

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

"The husband texted back to her: "I'm  on the toilet.
Please advise."

Hahaha.........
Good one bluenz

A former Sergeant Major in the Royal Australian Regiment took a new job as a high school teacher in the rough western suburbs of Melbourne.
Just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a thin plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately the cast fitted under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the toughest school.
The smart-aleck punks heard the new teacher was a former Army NCO and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk, when a strong breeze made his tie flap he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

I think you can buy these frogs in Florida though Lan.


   A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an  'exotic' pet.    As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of   frogs.
The sign says:             
      'SEX   FROGS'             
    Only $20 each!
Comes with complete instructions..
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the  man behind the counter,  'I'll TAKE one!'
    As the man packages the frog,  he quietly says to her,  'Just follow the instructions!'             
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door  to her  apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very             carefully..  She does EXACTLY what is  specified:
> 
> 1. Take a shower.
> 2. Splash on some nice  perfume.
> 3. Slip into a very sexy  nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,  and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!                         
     The blonde   is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,  'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'             
    So, she calls the pet  store.  The man says, 'I'll be right over.'   Within  minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes  him in and says,  'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just SITS there!'
      The man,  looking very concerned,    picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:             
  'LISTEN TO ME!!                             
I'm only going to show you how  to do this   
ONE ..    MORE    TIME!!!'

I loved the doctors reports and the school teacher stapling his chest. Sometimes real life is funnier.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

 
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon  next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week.' 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;  an impressive  work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.  She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ......'Look at this, ..........still in the CRATE

These are actual writings from various hospital charts.



1.The patient refused an autopsy.



2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was

very  hot in bed last night.

5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it

disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appear! s to be

depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until

she  got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.

20.. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present

24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

This one is for all the VN Vets

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
men.. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised
any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two
points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had
received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop
'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam "

An .( ........deleted .., don't want to upset any Australians ),   salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in ( deleted, don't to upset any Japanese ) ......

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood.... into the opening.  When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.




With trembling hands, the salesman was only just able to withdraw his tender unit......... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Deshonisty grows in the heart of the wicked and builds monuments with cracks that seep out  wicked lies. There is a  "joke" in the heart of every dishonist person ,so much so ,that it echoooooos laughter!

peterpipercorn wrote:

Dishonesty grows in the heart of the wicked and builds monuments with cracks that seep out  wicked lies. There is a  "joke" in the heart of every dishonest person ,so much so ,that it echoooooos laughter!

WTF  Shakespeare,  so you are saying all dishonest people are comedians?

bluenz wrote:

peterpipercorn wrote:

Dishonesty grows in the heart of the wicked and builds monuments with cracks that seep out  wicked lies. There is a  "joke" in the heart of every dishonest person ,so much so ,that it echoooooos laughter!

WTF  Shakespeare,  so you are saying all dishonest people are comedians?

That's what I thought this post implied ??? Where is the reasoning ??

Citsym wrote:

bluenz wrote:

peterpipercorn wrote:

Dishonesty grows in the heart of the wicked and builds monuments with cracks that seep out  wicked lies. There is a  "joke" in the heart of every dishonest person ,so much so ,that it echoooooos laughter!

WTF  Shakespeare,  so you are saying all dishonest people are comedians?

That's what I thought this post implied ??? Where is the reasoning ??

Yeah, I didn't think anyone on here knew me THAT well???? Hopefully we will get a , " please explain? ".

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and politician!

Comedians  bring us laughter with  jokes.,but where is the laughter in a broken promise?  Even non comdians can find laughter in a broken promise.

peterpipercorn wrote:

Comedians  bring us laughter with  jokes.,but where is the laughter in a broken promise?  Even non comdians can find laughter in a broken promise.

Now that would depend greatly on what that broken promise would be ? I can think of many examples that I wouldn't  be too happy with, if the promise was broken.

peterpipercorn wrote:

Comedians  bring us laughter with  jokes.,but where is the laughter in a broken promise?  Even non comdians can find laughter in a broken promise.

I think you're in the wrong thread pal. You must be looking for the 'love with Vietnam
woman' thread. It won't be hard to find,

peterpipercorn wrote:

Comedians  bring us laughter with  jokes.,but where is the laughter in a broken promise?  Even non comdians can find laughter in a broken promise.

It's ok PPC, I just read some of your posts, strangely enough , that was one of the broken promises I was thinking of, sorry to hear about your misfortune, hope things get better for you.

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men Joke
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00 


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total $4,145.00 
( But at least you know the job was done right! )

You are promised a montly $ amont  for two years and  then  no $  is recieved,....at what time do you start laughiing? Who becomes  the Comidian?

peterpipercorn wrote:

You are promised a monthly $ amount  for two years and  then  no $  is received,....at what time do you start laughing? Who becomes  the Comedian?

Where are you now?

bluenz wrote:

peterpipercorn wrote:

You are promised a monthly $ amount  for two years and  then  no $  is received,....at what time do you start laughing? Who becomes  the Comedian?

Where are you now?

Perhaps you should start a thread on broken promises, I'm sure you won't be the only one with a story to tell, ( and maybe as a warning to others, so they don't end up in your situation )

Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well,
One, I like to watch my money grow. 
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.  Three, I like how money feels in my hand. 
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

Thank you for asking and I am a female .Peterpipercorn is just a name that I use for this blog. Here is a joke .....Why did the onion ask the other onion to stop crying? Because ir reminded him that his bunions were frying!

peterpipercorn wrote:

Thank you for asking and I am a female .Peterpipercorn is just a name that I use for this blog. Here is a joke .....Why did the onion ask the other onion to stop crying? Because it reminded him that his bunions were frying!

I knew from reading one of your posts , you were female, ( unless you were a gay male ).
VN onions don't actually make my eyes water, is it just me , or is it the onions here?, ( I peel them every other day ).

Words of wisdom


>
>  1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
>
>  2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
>
>  it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
>
>  don't hurt.
>
>  3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog
>
>  run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
>  4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
>
>  5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
>
>  6. A penny saved is a Government oversight.
>
>  6. Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
>
>  7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
>
>  right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
>
>  moment.
>
>  8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
>
>  your body and your fat are really good friends.
>
>  9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
>
>  replacement.
>
>  10. He who hesitates is probably right.
>
>  11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
>
>  12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
>
>  blame.
>
>  13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
>
>  really in trouble.
>
>  14. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."
>
>  15. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
>
>  middle of it.
>
>

Funny!