Short jokes

Well it was fun while it lasted.

Being vertically challenged I'm a short joke.....

Warning!!!!! contains probable offensive material to Blondes/females, read at own risk. Sorry no guarantee of a laugh with such lame allowable material. .



YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows

to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,


"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"


"Stay! Stay!"



The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt, read on)




"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

bluenz wrote:

jimbream wrote:

bluenz wrote:

(nationalities, sex, religion, origin and so on..) what is left, nursery time jokes?
Its a bit late for that maybe?   We are , ( or should be ) adults on here. Maybe rename it R18, no prudes , enter at your own risk, and beware some jokes contain racial content.  Nobody is being forced to read anything on here.

Easily solved,only one joke permitted.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"To get to the other side"

Ooops! Can't use that one.
1.A domestic fowl needs to be contained in an enclosure for it's own safety.The owners of said chicken need to be prosecuted for animal neglect.
2.Also,stating the chicken wants to get to the other side of the road,implies that we are forcing our opinions and false ideals on an independent free thinking animal.
We have no right to constrain said chicken with our naive and unguided views on why it wants to cross a road.
3.And finally,having a chicken crossing a road leads to the possibility of accident and injury of other road users,thus creating mental anguish on the reader of the joke.

Nice try Jim, but we will probably be upsetting the feminists with this one, ( was the chicken a female? ) and animal activists, enslaving the poor chicken like that, just as well you didn't mention the chickens nationality, or origin , not quite sure that there is a difference?? I suppose it could have been born somewhere else than what is stated on it's passport.

What an ignorant and insensitive typical male I am!
You've made good points-
a.Forgetting women's (and females of all species) equal rights and opportunities.
b.Failing to identify with the chicken's indigenous/minority rights as it would deserve .
c.Ignoring the chicken's right to freedom from slavery.
d.Refusing to inquire of chicken's passport information to identify it's native or historic identity.
AND
e. forgetting to respect and declare the chicken's right to it's preferred life partner
(rooster / another hen / water bowl / etc.)
Thanks blue,
I shall now go to the 'bad' corner with all the other straight,white males and consider what I have done.

I see sports are not on the touchy subject list, so here's a sports joke.
I've deleted nationalities

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators:


        1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is ........................., . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'


        2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'


        3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'


        4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'


        5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'


        6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'


        7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the ............ crew.'


        8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'


        9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

bluenz wrote:

I see sports are not on the touchy subject list, so here's a sports joke.
I've deleted nationalities

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators:


        1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is ........................., . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'


        2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'


        3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'


        4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'


        5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'


        6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'


        7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the ............ crew.'


        8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'


        9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

These are classic.
My grandma sent me these years ago by email but I couldn't find that email.
Thanks for the refresh.

You couldn't pay a script writer to come up with those classic lines. Sometimes the best humour comes from real life.
I have always liked the female news anchorwoman in the US asking the news weatherman., "Where is that 6 inches you promised me last night? "
Of course she was referring to the lack of snow but by this time the entire floor crew and completely lost it. You can view it on YouTube.

10 things you don't want to hear during surgery,

1.    You know, I don't remember studying this in med school.
2.    Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3.    Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
4.    Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
5.    Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.    Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
7.    Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
8.    Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
9.    There go the lights again?
10.    "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

CLASSICS - CHECK THEM OUT!!
STAY WITH IT RUGBY FELLAS!!!!


"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Rodney
So'ialo - Hurricanes - on University


"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes
head coach



Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during
his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to."


"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito


Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the
same, just darker."


David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son,
what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I
don't know and I don't care.'


David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want
to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."


"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray
Mexted)



"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)



"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." (Murray Mexted)


"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then
they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry
Collins)


"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical." (Tony Brown)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana
Umaga)


"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them
serious." (Doc Mayhew)


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."(Anton Oliver)


"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,
but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)


"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)


Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what ?"


"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Murray Mexted)


"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer."(Murray Mexted)

Blue,
I can give you one name from footy and you'll laugh.


John Hopoate !

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday.

Hey, I just realised that we can talk about anything here, nothings off topic really, maybe we should make all threads about jokes, ( actually most of them are anyway when you think about it, i.e,Cindysar, the China Dog, oops I mean doll,  comes to mind, hope she comes back soon, I was enjoying her Chinese humour.).

This may end up being on here twice, the first time it didn't appear.
This has been around a few times, but still good.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 c's and 10 c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Oh Jesus Christ

Happy8888 wrote:

Oh Jesus Christ

See what happens when they make you take all the ' good ' stuff out, Just as well we have that mailing list. ( and the delightful Cindy ).

This one is just as bad, sorry.
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 

1 .My husband and I divorced over religious differences.    He thought he was God and I didn't .
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 
3..  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
4..  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .     
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7..  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8..  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9..  I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10..  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes .
11..  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..  The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
   15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 
17..  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!! 
18 Procrastinate Now!       
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;  Do You Want Fries With That?     
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken . 
24 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 
25..  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 
26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
27..  The trouble with life is there's no background music .
28..  The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..  I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. ( sounds like being in VN? ).

At dinner, five surgeons were discussing the relevance of occupations in deciding which patients were easiest to operate on:

The first surgeon, from Manchester , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'

The second, from Birmingham , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Edinburgh says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from London, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Dublin, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable

If you are a golfer: there is one wood in my bag that helps me lower my score, it's called a pencil.

A Golf story.............
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to
take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first
tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do
the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood.
A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer
pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed
about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this
green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and
said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole
thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His
entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance
of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How
was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever
played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See
you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would
like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well
the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We
had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could have complained about those robots?
They were incredible."
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them
was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show
up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and
The Other Thinks He's The President."

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

  He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

  Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

  He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

  He is shocked.

  He says to the frog,

  'Wow that's amazing..

  You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies,

  'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

  The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'

  The man asks.

  'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.

  By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,

  'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,

  'Ribbit Las Vegas ...
' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,

  The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.
So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked,
'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said,a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

One for you and Mark, DP.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then traveled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to NZ to see if NZers had the same phone.
He arrived at Queenstown, NZ and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in NZ now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

5 ELDERLY  LADIES

Sitting  on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,  a Police Officer  sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
He says to himself  "This driver is just as dangerous as a  speedster!"

So  he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching  the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - 
two in the front seat and  three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver,  obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing  exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am" the  officer replies  "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving  slower than the  speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed  limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an  hour"  the  old woman says a bit too proudly. 

The Police officer ( trying  to contain a chuckle )  explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the  speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to  ask....Is everyone in this car OK?   These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks. 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.   We just  got off Highway 189.."

Jan, Sue, and Mary  haven't seen each other since leaving  School.
They rediscover each  other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for  lunch.

Jan arrives first,  wearing a beige Versace  dress.  She orders a bottle of  Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly  afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.  After the initial hugs  and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of  wine.

Then Mary walks in,  wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and  boots.  She too shares the  wine.

Jan explains that after  leaving school and attending Oxford  University , she met and  married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful  daughter.  Timothy is a partner in  one of London s leading law  firms.
They live in a 4000 sq  ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna,  the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in  Portugal.

Sue relates that she  graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a  doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in  Italy.

Mary explains that she  after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Reg. They run a tropical bird park in Australia and grow their own vegetables.  Mark can  stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect  penis.

Halfway down the third  bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tescos. They live in a  small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the  front drive.

Sue, chastened and  encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and  Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples  home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in  Kent.

Mary admits that the  fifth parrot has to stand on one  leg.

That parrot one is a classic mate.
Along with the little old lady joke.
Keep em coming.

DirtyPierre wrote:

That parrot one is a classic mate.
Along with the little old lady joke.
Keep em coming.

I'm amazed I possessed so many clean jokes, haven't even started on the Alphabet yet, almost 900 jokes there, but I better not learn how to upload the 4744 pic's, and video clips, they got me into trouble last time.

17 little pearls of wisdom
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) If I agreed with you, wed both be wrong.
6) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
7)  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
8) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
10) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?.
11) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12) I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
13) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
14) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
15) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
16) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
17) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wont expect it back.

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but our hopes
are ~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
Because our PRESIDENT is ~ ClueLess !!

50th Anniversary......

         

        A couple were celebrating 50 years together... Their three kids,
        all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

         

        "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.... 'Sorry I'm

        running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you

        know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

        "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're

        all together today."

         

        Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.

        I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have
        time to shop for you."
        "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

         

        Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm

        sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
        packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

         

        After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something

        your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see,
        we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
        college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
        each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

         The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

     
         
                  "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Loved the cheap bastards one.

6 Affairs.
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'



The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'



The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Some for the oldies .

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep.. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

2011 Darwin Awards ( VN must have been exempt  )
Eighth       Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh       Place
A  49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily  run.                   ( sounds like a VN on a motorbike /, tunnel vision ).
Sixth       Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.   Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth       Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth       Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third       Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.        ( the worst case of lead poisoning Ive ever heard of )
No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE       MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER       UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that... 'Shit  does.happen'

2010   It's with great pleasure that I announce.....  it's that time again.....Darwin Awards! These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

         You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

        This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:

         Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
       Semifinalist #2
   Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
      Semifinalist #3
    A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
   Semifinalist #4
   A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.
  Semifinalist #5
    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.

     And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
           
THE 2010 WINNER!
     Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
    Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
     The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

     The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

      Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up. People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
 
The last one is actually bullshit, it was tested on a Discovery TV program, they used 3 JATO's on a remotely controlled car, it didn't explode, I think they could have made more speed though, by switch the trans to N, when they ignited the rockets.,

A young couple who had just met at a  party, decide to leave together.

They  walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's

lustful desire  rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when

the young woman  says, I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to

have a piss..  Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she

go behind a  hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears.

As he waits,  he can hear the sound of tight panties sliding down

voluptuous legs  and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable

to contain his  animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap

in the foliage,  and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings

his hand further  up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he

finds  himself gripping a long, warm, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He gasps in horror, My God Mary have you changed your sex!?

No, she replies, I've changed my mind; I'm having a shit.

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke
with the toothache an anesthetic injection.
No way! No needles, I hate needles! the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas
and the man objects again. I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill..
No objection, the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.
When she returns she says, Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.
The guy says, Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!
It doesn't she said, "But itll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

A little boy comes down to breakfast. his mother asks if he had done his chores
" Not yet, "  said the little boy  Since they live on a.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?  Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? "        he asks.
" Well, "  his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Three good ones in a row