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Intercultural relationships in Dominican Republic

Siobhan222
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Siobhan222

@rlwoodz thanks for the advice! I’ve avoided dating/relationships  since I’ve been here mainly because the guys I’ve encountered have been way over the top during an initial conversation with the love & baby talk, which is weird so I shut it down there. I assumed it was just those individuals, but maybe it’s not.

Siobhan222
@planner that’s great advice as well! My spidey senses haven’t failed me yet and although I’m nice, I’m very straightforward when it comes to things being off LOL.

As my Spanish gets better, I’m sure my interactions will shift. I’ve had a few people offer to set me up and I’ve been reluctant… I’m in no rush, so we’ll see 😊

I truly appreciate the insight!!!
rlwoodz
@Siobhan222 if it's too good to be true...it almost certainly is. If you sense that and continue with the risk,  you will pay to play the game to find out. I found out and it cost me a small fortune. And again I saw the flaming red flags and simply allowed enough of them to burn before I took appropriate action.  I looked it as a gamble but not Russian roulette.  And it was almost Russian roulette but in my defense, that represents my level of commitment.  My sisters called me foolish and naive and they were correct on a practical level.

So remaining practical, I've been told that NO self-respecting, upstanding and decent Dominican will ask for money.  I don't know if that's entirely true but it's certainly useful guidance.

A dominican man posted to this site a good summary. He said 70% of Dominicans are tigers and the remainder are reasonable people with a modicum of moral fiber.

And I'm sure there is degree in all this from a complete angel of God to a cannibal.  And in my mind I'm not exaggerating on either extreme.


planner
Depending where you are this may be very common. Culturally they do move way way faster than many other cultures. I am the same,  start using the wrong words and I will shut you down!
planner
And that is true.  No self respecting Dominican woman will ask for money in the beginning!  She also will NOT pay on a date. She expects to be courted.

Once in a relationship -  by her standards - she will expect  her  man to step up to the plate on numerous fronts.
rlwoodz

@planner to include supporting his or her family.  And they'll kick you out when they have bled you dry.

rlwoodz
@Siobhan222 those are big red flags. They are fishing for a sucker.  If they say that to you they are saying it to someone else. It's a numbers game. And they will have more than one sucker on the line also. Fact.

Also they conflate love and money.  For example if I were to give money to another female, she better be a close friend of hers or a family member. Otherwise it's cheating.  Fact.
Guest2022
I think it is time we stop generalizing.

@rlwoodz, you are dominating this thread recounting a bad experience you had, which I personally think (as do your sisters) was down to you being foolish and naive. You are not the first and won't be the last expat visitor to be snared in a resort area or online where that person is looking for someone like you. Hopefully others will take note of you stories.

We have a number of successful interracial relationships amongst posters who use this forum and it is noted they are staying quite.

Let enough be enough. Let's balance the bad with the good and not turn this into (another) Dominican negative thread.

I posted this before and it bears true: The dregs of Dominican society hang out looking for potential (expat) partners at resorts and on dating apps, not all but many, and if you are green on all things Dominican and don't speak Spanish, good luck finding a long term partner.

In your case visiting and staying a limited time (2 months in total was what you posted) in total in Santo Domingo where you met this past partner was clearly not enough time to get know this woman and commit to buying a car and thinking of buying an apartment. You must live here as a couple 24/7/365 to understand and develop a relationship with all of the cultural differences, status and language. Few will meet partners easily of equal backgrounds.

I would add that I think it is probably harder for a female expat to find a sound partner because of the machoism that prevails here when added to the other challenges of sifting through the people they will be able to encounter during short stays and visits and online.

Rant over.
Siobhan222
@rlwoodz honestly, it’s beyond too good to be true LOL it’s just ridiculous at times. After reading these threads I’m realizing it’s par for the culture, so I’m learning from it all.

My friendly demeanor invites guys to try, but my straightforwardness has caught those who do, off guard. Until I start talking, most assume that I’m Dominican and I pay attention to the shift that happens when some guys realize I’m not. It’s subtle, but it’s there. These threads add understanding as to why it catches my attention and I can’t just ignore it.

I’m a bit hidden on this mountain, so it’s all good LOL. As I become more acclimated to the culture, everything else will fall into place. Outside of the weird advances, I love the area and the people 😊
Siobhan222
@planner it does appear that things move faster culturally, which is understandable.

I perceive all interactions, good or weird, as learning experiences 😊
planner
Always keep an open mind.


I think we have been very clear that  not everyone or everything is the same. We are taking a somewhat lighthearted look at this and  NOT  being nasty or hard on the culture. Its about awareness.

Everyone here should understand that relationships do work out. They are few and far between but there are excellent examples on this board!
Siobhan222
@lennoxnev I appreciate the balanced approach. I’m sure there are individuals in the US that can share just as many negative experiences.

I completely understand that there is a cultural difference, which is why I’ve avoided dating/relationships since arriving here. Not that I believe Dominican men are bad, but just using wisdom to familiarize myself with the area, people, and culture first.

I revisited this thread mainly because although I’ve had people offer to set me up, I’ve only heard bad stories from expats who visit often or red flag stories (in my opinion) from women who date men they met on vacation.

Feels like I’m on the right path just taking my time and learning the culture 😊
rlwoodz
And my generalizations are not simply based on my limited experience; they come from Dominicans themselves. I've spoken to several.

Additionally, I am far from naive. That itself is a generalization using one's experience and applying it to another.  A first level look at this might have one make such a generalization.

And my sisters know better now. They weren't in my mind and heart in this experience and they don't know me all that well and neither do you.
Siobhan222
I love how it’s unanimous that dating sites are a no go here LOL. I never used them in the US and didn’t even consider it as an option here.

I can’t imagine how wildly insane those interactions would be 😂

I appreciate everyone’s feedback 😊
sberger50
Is this thread going a little too far and too long?  Am I alone on this?  Personal stories that are sour to the DR culture and women are not what this is about.  Giving the same advise over and over, is getting a bit old.  Sounds like a case for Dr. Phil and not this forum.  And the stories are all from only one side.
planner
Everyone wants to  say how things should run.......... 1f644.svg1f644.svg1f644.svg
Siobhan222
Honestly, I’ve found it helpful but I haven’t been tapped into this particular thread for very long. Plus, I’ve received messages from expats sharing their positive relationship experiences.

I believe a reasonable person is able to adequately sift through comments and find some level of advice from all experiences.
rlwoodz

@Siobhan222 and if you don't like it, don't read it. Bitching contributes nothing.

planner
She was not bitching Rlwoodz.  She was actually responding to other comments.
rlwoodz

@rlwoodz  sorry mom. Wasn't referring to her. The Dr Phil watcher should stick with Dr Phil.  Sorry for the confusion.

rlwoodz
@planner mom, as you warned me, I'm now the bad guy.  My chapiadora has filed charges against me knowing I'm going after the car. 

And I love challenges!

Lawyers have told me that it's a common for people to injure themselves or have someone injure them and report that to authorities as being domestic violence.

Just another thing others should learn.


dolphinzsplash
I'm a Black American Lady and met a young man online he's 20+ years younger than me. I've visited Punta Cana to meet him in person it's interesting that very young girls are with retired men but I did not see the same in reverse of female to male. I'm 65 years old and felt very out of place with him.

He does have a 3 year old daughter but says there's no relationship with the mother of his child and she is 21 years younger than he is.

I've never been in a relationship with someone this young before and after reading this thread feel very uncomfortable.
caroloyap0308
Hi, I just have to say to be careful and make sure he’s not after your money (if that’s the case).

As young as you still are, younger men in countries as DR are just like the young girls you mentioned with retired men. They are both looking for an opportunity to a better life than what they have and sometimes for the green card to get out.

I hope this is not the case with you but 95% it is.

Good luck!
planner
This is full, absolutely full,of red flags. 

There are lots of "relationships" of your type here.  Most are not what you expect them to be. Proceed with extreme caution!  If it seems too good to be true, it is.
dolphinzsplash
Caroloyap0308 and Planner,

Yes, it seems to good to be true not to mention he took me to his parents home, they treated me with so much kindness and his Mother cooked my favorite food. His 2 uncles also came to meet me.

He says there is no relationship with the mother of his child but I find that strange, on Facebook they are not even liking one anothers photos.

Thank you for this very informative forum.  One thing I noticed is that he never left his phone unattended.
planner
There is often an unspoken group  understanding of how the entire family benefits from these relationships. While the culture is warm and welcoming this is on another level sometimes.  There is something in it for everyone in the family! 

The ex is rarely ever truly the ex.
DRVisitor
Can someone explain from the Dominican side the pressure/expectations from the family in regards to the relationship which might not be seen by the expat?
Guest2022
yes  - I would really want a confirmation of that question. You are not married to an individual but to the family. I did come to that realization very early in our relationship. But  just be beware that your spouse is expected to live up to the expectation.  My advise is to teach your spouse how to fish that way your spouse is resourceful thus relieving the burden on your relationship. Good luck
planner
The culture here is one of community and family.  It is expected that those who can, help those who cannot.  There is immense pressure often for the successful members of families to help the rest. 

This does not just apply to Dominicans and expat relationships!  Look at what happens to young baseball players!  Newly signed up, they are inundated with expectations! It has got to be very hard to manage!

There is direct and indirect pressure.  Passive aggressive behaviour is normal.  Outright asking happens too.  Major family fights happen as well!  Many are raised with the knowledge of sacrifices made so they can get ahead and payback is expected!
Guest2022
@ GRAWUKU, I would beg to differ on your statement 'You are not married to an individual but to the family'

Rather - You are marrying into the family and you are expected to support you wife in matters of the family.

Now there may be wives who take that to extremes but again I would not want to generalize. It is not my experience but I know it does happen.
planner
Lennox that is very well said!
ddmcghee
Before starting a relationship, even online, with anyone here (or anywhere else in the world for that matter), ask yourself if you would be in a relationship with that person if they lived next door to you?

I read some of these stories and it leaves me scratching my head! I'm married now but was single for 4 years in my early to mid-40s. That was in the US, but I think the red flags and basics of dating are the same. I was on Match and a couple of other dating sites, and if someone even 10 years younger than me contacted me, I almost immediately blocked them. Yeah...I considered myself quite the catch (just ask @rockym 1f609.svg), but why would someone that much younger be interested in me, a forty-something-year-old with a kid and very strong opinions? Ninety-five percent of the time, those much younger men had almost nothing in common with me - different education levels, different religious beliefs, different backgrounds, vastly different professions, and no common hobbies or interests. Huge red flags! I didn't even bother responding to their messages. I wasn't interested in being anyone's sugar mama and didn't need the attention of some young thing to boost my ego!

I was vacationing here long before moving here and had my fair share of "sanky pankies" approach me. They usually start with "Hello, Beautiful" or some other flattery. We all love a good ego stroke, but rest assured that that guy/girl that approaches you at the bar will move on to the next "Bella" as soon as they realize their charms aren't going to work on you. And with online relationships, know that it is very likely they are playing the odds and are stringing along others just like yourself.
ppile
Thank you for your words of wisdom
Roryzion

@planner This ⬆

Reyna3

@Siobhan222 Be super careful and skeptical of everything. Don't trust anyone. They are master manipulators and take their time. You won't even know what's happening because they're good charmers and smooth talkers. Usually there is a hidden agenda. Even when you think someone is helping you, they're scamming you behind your back. Not everyone of course but the majority do as soon as they know you're North American.

Reyna3

@Siobhan222

Reyna3

@Siobhan222

Reyna3
sorry for the extra postings, I'm new to this 1f644.svg
Tippj
Before starting a relationship, even online, with anyone here (or anywhere else in the world for that matter), ask yourself if you would be in a relationship with that person if they lived next door to you?

I read some of these stories and it leaves me scratching my head! I'm married now but was single for 4 years in my early to mid-40s. That was in the US, but I think the red flags and basics of dating are the same. I was on Match and a couple of other dating sites, and if someone even 10 years younger than me contacted me, I almost immediately blocked them. Yeah...I considered myself quite the catch (just ask @rockym 1f609.svg), but why would someone that much younger be interested in me, a forty-something-year-old with a kid and very strong opinions? Ninety-five percent of the time, those much younger men had almost nothing in common with me - different education levels, different religious beliefs, different backgrounds, vastly different professions, and no common hobbies or interests. Huge red flags! I didn't even bother responding to their messages. I wasn't interested in being anyone's sugar mama and didn't need the attention of some young thing to boost my ego!

I was vacationing here long before moving here and had my fair share of "sanky pankies" approach me. They usually start with "Hello, Beautiful" or some other flattery. We all love a good ego stroke, but rest assured that that guy/girl that approaches you at the bar will move on to the next "Bella" as soon as they realize their charms aren't going to work on you. And with online relationships, know that it is very likely they are playing the odds and are stringing along others just like yourself.
- @ddmcghee
               That’s funny , I was on  match in my late forty’s  just to see what might happen , nothing , zero , what a wast of time  , especially when the ones 15 years younger would tell you  age is only a number and can you send money for my 5 year old… 🤣  , I find it’s almost the same here but without the internet … 🤔 to say to be very careful here is an understatement  , and I would never date anyone that live next door to me Incase it didn’t work out   , yes I get a lot of women here that invite me to their house for dinner but I  politely decline  … don’t want to  run into maybe an ex- husband…..😂

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