Is there a love between a foreign older man and a vietnamese girl

richiv wrote:

Cut the relationship totally.  Often men want to "stay friends" for selfish or egotistical reasons. Life is short and there are millions of other people out there with whom you can be lover or friend.  If seeing him is upsetting or uncomfortable, why do it?

Thank you richiv. Yes, I totally feel that way but I did not know how to express by words. Thanks so much again.

Sometimes in life, we need to be decisive and take action and not be muddle headed. Tell him I need to find new journeys in life to travel and to start afresh by making new friends. Make it short and simple. Don't forget it's your life and happiness at stake! You cannot be nice to everyone all the time!

Anna_Vo wrote:

Solo1 wrote:

Anna_Vo wrote:

At first, I thought like that and everything went easy, however after a while the mentality difference shows more and more, and it is much more difficult when being with an older man. Now I am totally confused what love is, what soulmate is...^^

Love is a commitment. That's why you see couples that are very different from the point of view financially, weight, height, intellect, attractiveness, age, social status, career etc being together for many many years.

Lust of which may be the initial attraction fades as the years go by. Those looking primarily for sex won't be together for the long term. But those who are committed stay together even though one may even have become disabled.

As far as a "soulmate" goes I think that yes some people are fortunate that they have found someone that closely mimics what each one needs, wants and desires. However unless they are committed to each other then the relationship is doomed. IMHO

Thank you Solo... Yes, we were attracted physically at first, however we did not have any commitment. That ruined all.

Another question, I want to cut off totally because my heart still feel hurt and sensitive about that. However, the man wants to be friends, normal friends. It's so difficult to woman to see the one you like but just be friends. Are there any friendships after breaking up between men and women?

Anna_Vo, to your last question.
That depends entirely on the two people concerned.
If you're in a business together, or work for the same company, there's little choice in the matter of seeing each other - unless one buys the other out or gets a transfer of location.

I totally agree with the things 'richiv' wrote !

On a personal level, (I.M.H.O.) if your heart is still hurting - GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN !
They say that time mends a broken heart, BUT that takes time, far too much time in most cases.

Time for you to reacquaint yourself with your old school, collage, university friends again. In fact anyone from your past who knows you and you know can be trusted as a REAL friend.
Get out and make a fresh start - it's not easy, but it can be done !
There's always more fish in the sea and there's always another man (probably a better one for you) that you could meet one day in your future.

PS - I see in your personal page here that you're still young, a student in fact, and in your photo, very attractive as well ! 
Get out there and find a man who is REALLY worthy of your love and affection !
I'm constantly amazed by the numbers of very smart, attractive young women in VN who are prepared to settle for a man who simply isn't worth them in any way at all.

Flip465 wrote:

Anna_Vo wrote:

Solo1 wrote:

Love is a commitment. That's why you see couples that are very different from the point of view financially, weight, height, intellect, attractiveness, age, social status, career etc being together for many many years.

Lust of which may be the initial attraction fades as the years go by. Those looking primarily for sex won't be together for the long term. But those who are committed stay together even though one may even have become disabled.

As far as a "soulmate" goes I think that yes some people are fortunate that they have found someone that closely mimics what each one needs, wants and desires. However unless they are committed to each other then the relationship is doomed. IMHO

Thank you Solo... Yes, we were attracted physically at first, however we did not have any commitment. That ruined all.

Another question, I want to cut off totally because my heart still feel hurt and sensitive about that. However, the man wants to be friends, normal friends. It's so difficult to woman to see the one you like but just be friends. Are there any friendships after breaking up between men and women?

Anna_Vo, to your last question.
That depends entirely on the two people concerned.
If you're in a business together, or work for the same company, there's little choice in the matter of seeing each other - unless one buys the other out or gets a transfer of location.

I totally agree with the things 'richiv' wrote !

On a personal level, (I.M.H.O.) if your heart is still hurting - GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN !
They say that time mends a broken heart, BUT that takes time, far too much time in most cases.

Time for you to reacquaint yourself with your old school, collage, university friends again. In fact anyone from your past who knows you and you know can be trusted as a REAL friend.
Get out and make a fresh start - it's not easy, but it can be done !
There's always more fish in the sea and there's always another man (probably a better one for you) that you could meet one day in your future.

Thank you for this encouragement Flip465.(same nickname of that guy, I was startled a little bit^^) I do appreciate this. Yes, I feel hurt everyday but when he asked to be friends, he feel so bad if totally cutting off. I could not refuse as a woman having more generous heart than man? However, it seems everything goes worse, not better.

Ha ha, I don't see men, or my future lover as fishes.)

Yes you need time to heal. Maybe after some point in the future you can be friends but that can be awkward because you, he or both may be in a new relationship. It's really best to say "good-bye"!

I said goodbye several times, but could not, I think the problem is I need to have to do it by strength inside... not just by words.

Thank you for your all advice Solo. Best wishes to you. ^^

Anna_Vo wrote:

I said goodbye several times, but could not, I think the problem is I need to have to do it by strength inside... not just by words.

Thank you for your all advice Solo. Best wishes to you. ^^

If you think you can or if you think you can't you are correct. If he is truly your friend then he will respect your wish to move on.

Hey there, Ms Anna_vo,
You have received some really good support, great advise and kind wishes, from the expat community.
From your previous posts, I can see that you are well educated and, quite smart..(your English is very good!!). A very lucky man will find you soon.

Don't think about the old fish... You go and get yourself a new one!!
Take care Kid.

Panadol wrote:

Hey there, Ms Anna_vo,
You have received some really good support, great advise and kind wishes, from the expat community.
From your previous posts, I can see that you are well educated and, quite smart..(your English is very good!!). A very lucky man will find you soon.

Don't think about the old fish... You go and get yourself a new one!!
Take care Kid.

Thank you Panadol, I do appreciate all useful supports from expats this afternoon. It seems I was in muddle headed for long time and now just started to escape. It is always better to share than keep it and struggle by myself.

Ha ha, I do not consider myself as great as you said... Thank you so much for your compliments, and you are so great to realize how great I am. )

Have a nice evening !

Flip465 wrote:

Anna_Vo wrote:

Solo1 wrote:

Love is a commitment. That's why you see couples that are very different from the point of view financially, weight, height, intellect, attractiveness, age, social status, career etc being together for many many years.

Lust of which may be the initial attraction fades as the years go by. Those looking primarily for sex won't be together for the long term. But those who are committed stay together even though one may even have become disabled.

As far as a "soulmate" goes I think that yes some people are fortunate that they have found someone that closely mimics what each one needs, wants and desires. However unless they are committed to each other then the relationship is doomed. IMHO

Thank you Solo... Yes, we were attracted physically at first, however we did not have any commitment. That ruined all.

Another question, I want to cut off totally because my heart still feel hurt and sensitive about that. However, the man wants to be friends, normal friends. It's so difficult to woman to see the one you like but just be friends. Are there any friendships after breaking up between men and women?

Anna_Vo, to your last question.
That depends entirely on the two people concerned.
If you're in a business together, or work for the same company, there's little choice in the matter of seeing each other - unless one buys the other out or gets a transfer of location.

I totally agree with the things 'richiv' wrote !

On a personal level, (I.M.H.O.) if your heart is still hurting - GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN !
They say that time mends a broken heart, BUT that takes time, far too much time in most cases.

Time for you to reacquaint yourself with your old school, collage, university friends again. In fact anyone from your past who knows you and you know can be trusted as a REAL friend.
Get out and make a fresh start - it's not easy, but it can be done !
There's always more fish in the sea and there's always another man (probably a better one for you) that you could meet one day in your future.

PS - I see in your personal page here that you're still young, a student in fact, and in your photo, very attractive as well ! 
Get out there and find a man who is REALLY worthy of your love and affection !
I'm constantly amazed by the numbers of very smart, attractive young women in VN who are prepared to settle for a man who simply isn't worth them in any way at all.

Thank you so much Flip465, I did not see your edited last comment, this is old profile... I get older now and go work. ^^

The heart wants what the heart wants.  Soulmate, love or lust at the moment it may just be a biological imperative.  One of my students has been passing notes to me telling me she loves me.  She is married and 20 years younger than me.  My ex wife, fell in love with someone after 20 years of marriage. I do not want anyone to experience that kind of pain.  As adults we need to recognise what we want in life and pursue it with a clean slate.  Not sure if I am making sense....
Pain is part of life, it helps us focus on what we really want in life...

ancientpathos wrote:

The heart wants what the heart wants.  Soulmate, love or lust at the moment it may just be a biological imperative.  One of my students has been passing notes to me telling me she loves me.  She is married and 20 years younger than me.  My ex wife, fell in love with someone after 20 years of marriage. I do not want anyone to experience that kind of pain.  As adults we need to recognise what we want in life and pursue it with a clean slate.  Not sure if I am making sense....
Pain is part of life, it helps us focus on what we really want in life...

Interesting point of view.  Would you then consider loyalty and duty more "painless" and more of value to you than the love/lust definition you just describe above?

Lots of people confuse love with infatuation. But at a young age, its pure innocence and ignorance. Love, like someone said is pure action and commitment. Love when it lasts, should lead to marriage and not at other aims. The dating and courting parts are only the beginning. When you tie the knot, then only the journey of discovery begins. Many faults will then surface of which neither is aware, If you can stick through thick and thin, be tolerant and accept that no one is perfect,that is one formula for a lasting relationship. The other is constant communication, be on same wavelength and don't go to bed with anger. otherwise, like so many others, do not think of the divorce word so readily. Live and love each other for a purpose, like 'till death do us apart'. Best of luck..

The word Love, is very loosely used in Viet Nam. Have a look around, bikes with love written on them, shirts with it, bed sheets and songs. All this use of the word Love, yet most cannot tell you what love is.I know as I asked a group of people in a large company to explain to me what it meant to them, and even in Vietnamese they couldnt answer it.

colinoscapee wrote:

The word Love, is very loosely used in Viet Nam. Have a look around, bikes with love written on them, shirts with it, bed sheets and songs. All this use of the word Love, yet most cannot tell you what love is.I know as I asked a group of people in a large company to explain to me what it meant to them, and even in Vietnamese they couldnt answer it.

It seems that anything written in English, whether you understand the meaning or not, is "cool".  So I was thinking of writing up a grant application to the UN to make a bunch of T-shirts to give away to kids as a way to teach them that they should study English in order to know the meaning behind what is "cool".

Talk about silly things you see written on shirts, one of the best ones that I saw was near Ben Thanh markets. It said...I shaved my balls for this jacket, it was even funnier for the fact that a girl was wearing it.

The simple answer is yes there can be but life isn't always that simple. The age difference may be a problem later in life if the man is more than 15 years older than the girl. Money is always a major consideration. how will you survive if there is no income or savings or pension? you don't have to be rich but you need to be able to support a family if you start one. There is a lot of talk about Vietnamese girls marrying foreign men for their money only. Whilst this may be true in some cases, there are also many cases of genuine love for loves sake. I'd be careful about agreeing to marry a man you've never actually met , as others have advised let him come to visit and spend some time to get to know each other. What you see on the internet doesn't always turn out the same in real life. There is no shame on you or him if you refuse, in fact it may be better to say no and you wouldn't say yes until you could meet and spend time together and let him/her meet your family. If he suddenly stops contacting you you will know his true intent and character. A lot of men just want a trophy, an old man with a pretty young girl is seen a lot in places like Thailand, not so much in Vietnam, I've always found the majority of Viet girls to be honest and hardworking. What most western men in particular don't realize is that when you marry a Viet girl you marry the whole family as well and you would be expected to help them in times of need. How do I know all this? I've been with my Vietnamese girlfriend for 5 years, we have taken our time and not rushed into things. Our love grew and wasn't found in a bar or dating site. I support her family with a lot their medical and financial problems. I've met them all on several occasions and I love them as much as they love me. If he really loves you then none of this will be a problem for him. I hope you find what you are looking for but don't rush into things, take your time and let love grow at it's own pace. Good luck

The Long Man wrote:

There is a lot of talk about Vietnamese girls marrying foreign men for their money only. Whilst this may be true in some cases, there are also many cases of genuine love for loves sake.

I am this (holds up thumb and index fingers almost touching) close to setting up a trust fund to pay out a grand to anyone who can come up with one (1) instance of this that did not involve either huge monthly payouts to the girl's family or, on the odd case, lavish gifts for her.

I know several of these April-October relationships and every one of the men is sending the woman's family enough money to live luxuriously in D1 (the families live in inexpensive rural areas).  And in several of the cases the man has no income and is burning through his savings while the parents are living it up.

You call that love?  I have other words.

I'll take that grand off your hands, thank you. When I mentioned that I help her family I didn't mention huge amounts, just what was needed, with occasional gifts as way of thanks and on birthdays etc. My girlfriend (of 5 years) asks for nothing from me, the gifts I give our out of love. sure there are greedy people out there too and by the sounds of it that's been your experience. Can you honestly say that Vietnamese women are so different to any other women in the world? from my experience (and I'm 57 and been a seaman since I was 15) most women want to be taken care of and create a home and family, paying for roof over your head, clothes, food, cars, TV's, phones and bills etc etc, is no different in Vietnam from anywhere else. Maybe your a bit gullible and not worldly wise and have been stung in the past and hold bitter resentment, it sure sounds like it. As for your other post about art, Jazz, quiet cafes to talk and good food, you need to open your eyes get out of district 1 and see the city more, it's all there if you know where to look. Of course your comments are welcome so people can get a fair and balanced view from as many sources as possible but try not to let your own experiences cloud your judgment.

Not In TPHCM wrote:

The Long Man wrote:

There is a lot of talk about Vietnamese girls marrying foreign men for their money only. Whilst this may be true in some cases, there are also many cases of genuine love for loves sake.

I am this (holds up thumb and index fingers almost touching) close to setting up a trust fund to pay out a grand to anyone who can come up with one (1) instance of this that did not involve either huge monthly payouts to the girl's family or, on the odd case, lavish gifts for her.

I know several of these April-October relationships and every one of the men is sending the woman's family enough money to live luxuriously in D1 (the families live in inexpensive rural areas).  And in several of the cases the man has no income and is burning through his savings while the parents are living it up.

You call that love?  I have other words.

There are hundreds or maybe thousands of cases not only Vietnam but also other developing countries in Southeast Asia.

It happens often and we are waiting for another thread about "I fell in love with a local and she ripped me off"

i doesn't only happen to Foreigners, it happens to Vietnamese as well.

I know at least two cases (in my family) where one of my relatives wed a local and send money every year to build her family a nice house. He loves her and I'm sure she loves him too but her family is asking for money and as a loyal daughter you do what they say.

I don't know any Vietnamese who is not loyal to his or her family and who does not listen to them! Even I'm listening to them because it's family and out of respect!

Money is ALWAYS an issue in a relationship. Women prefer to date or marry a wealthy man over a poor guy. And in poor countries "Nguoi Tay" are wealthy (at least they pretend) so they are cash cows. They are a ticket to leave the country.

True Love between a Foreigner and a Local without any money issues? Come on we're not in a fairy tale.

@The Long Man. The member NOTINTPHCM  doesn't live in Saigon, so before you tell him to go out of D1, better check where he is really from:)

Actually what you say is true for girls from poorer families. I went out with a girl here for 2.5 years and never once contributed to her family, mind you she had a very good job and did that herself. She now has an American bf who says he is poor and he lives off her, I also have a VN friend in Dalat who got shafted by an American guy, she lent him money and he took off, so it can also work in reverse.

I do have one friend who is here trying to make his own way, he didn't come like many of us did with a bank full of money for the rest of our lives.  He told her he can't give her or her family any money and they're in it together and she works too.

However he and his GF are equivalent ages.  I was responding to the thread title.  Older man, much younger woman, or even a little younger, or even same age half the time, it's a looped punched paper tape in her head: "family family family family family."

And, no, I don't think it's cool.  I've seen what a manipulative, sick, horrid guilt and indoctrination trip they lay on these girls and I don't think it's "quaint" at bloody all.  "Bà" calling on the phone four times a day demanding money and leaving the girl in tears.

goodluck

Just some a minor point for Long Man and others. May-December marriages have always existed in Asia, though a century ago (wink-wink) that usually meant second or third wives (Vo Be)s. These insured successors to the man's name and businesses (and in southern Vietnam, often opened the door to trade elsewhere, v.g. Cambodia), and increased the size and importance of his clan/family. The status and prestige of the "Vo Be" in her own family hinged upon her husband's willingness to support them in some way.

The attitude persists in rural areas, but social mores in Vietnam are changing rapidly. Divorce does exist in Vietnam, as wella s in Taiwan, South Kora, and China. Anyone who views 'their' money as 'theirs' is not in a real marriage to begin with, even in the U.S. (excepting the backward parts of the Rural South), particularly in a May-December marriage. Foreign/Expat husbands who insist on viewing it so are likely to see their relationships sour rather quickly.

As for the girls with multiple strings out, that's another old human institution. I believe that's why we included the plural term 'suitors' in English.

"True Love between a Foreigner and a Local without any money issues? Come on we're not in a fairy tale."

I going to rock your world here because YES! it can and does happen. Money is always an issue of course it is but that is true if you're the poorest couple living in the poorest country in the world. People of true faith in whatever religion seem to find it easier to accept true love than people without some sort of spiritual presence in their lives. I can't explain that, maybe it's because their concerns for the greater good of humanity outweighs the petty thoughts and needs we all suffer from.
Most men and women everywhere in the world want to be happy and secure and whilst in most developed countries that's difficult without some sort of income or savings, there are places in the world where money means nothing and just the day to day existence is enough. I'm thinking of parts of Polynesia, remote islands where there's nothing but the sea and the sun to sustain you and true love and happiness exist without the material trappings of most of the so called civilized world. I've seen it and some of the happiest times of my youth were amongst these people who always smiled and would share their everything with you.
Drifting from the point a little 'sorry'. I'll agree that it's not too common but have faith that there is true love for loves sake out there and I wish it for everybody.

The Long Man wrote:

"True Love between a Foreigner and a Local without any money issues? Come on we're not in a fairy tale."

I going to rock your world here because YES! it can and does happen. Money is always an issue of course it is but that is true if you're the poorest couple living in the poorest country in the world. People of true faith in whatever religion seem to find it easier to accept true love than people without some sort of spiritual presence in their lives. I can't explain that, maybe it's because their concerns for the greater good of humanity outweighs the petty thoughts and needs we all suffer from.
Most men and women everywhere in the world want to be happy and secure and whilst in most developed countries that's difficult without some sort of income or savings, there are places in the world where money means nothing and just the day to day existence is enough. I'm thinking of parts of Polynesia, remote islands where there's nothing but the sea and the sun to sustain you and true love and happiness exist without the material trappings of most of the so called civilized world. I've seen it and some of the happiest times of my youth were amongst these people who always smiled and would share their everything with you.
Drifting from the point a little 'sorry'. I'll agree that it's not too common but have faith that there is true love for loves sake out there and I wish it for everybody.

Oh I was referring to the topic to OLD foreigners. Sorry one word gone and the whole topic has a different meaning.

There are some happy couples, often the same ages or an age gap less than 20 year but most old men who have a young gf ... seriously? It's not only in Vietnam it's everywhere?

We have a term for it -  Sugardaddy.

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

colinoscapee wrote:

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

Just as common but a different thing... In the West we call it being a Sugar Daddy and have enough lawyers advising not to put a ring on it. 

milkybunnyHCM wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

Just as common but a different thing... In the West we call it being a Sugar Daddy and have enough lawyers advising not to put a ring on it. 

Yep the sugardaddies in the west are smarter than *sorry* most of the daddies in Asia.

Maybe I should change my job and become a lawyer here. They def need more advices:)

Ok, I must being seeing things here in Asia, those guys are actually younger then they look.

ok  i agree with that !first time meet i look he {or} she how to make me hungry and thirsty ? !. 2 love by heart and marry by brain .3test the real love/if  i was you time is answer.

The rule has been updated to 10 years.

Tran Hung Dao wrote:

ancientpathos wrote:

The heart wants what the heart wants.  Soulmate, love or lust at the moment it may just be a biological imperative.  One of my students has been passing notes to me telling me she loves me.  She is married and 20 years younger than me.  My ex wife, fell in love with someone after 20 years of marriage. I do not want anyone to experience that kind of pain.  As adults we need to recognise what we want in life and pursue it with a clean slate.  Not sure if I am making sense....
Pain is part of life, it helps us focus on what we really want in life...

Interesting point of view.  Would you then consider loyalty and duty more "painless" and more of value to you than the love/lust definition you just describe above?

Loyalty and duty in a relationship develops over time. Lust can happen in a blink of an eye. Well thats been my experience. Loyalty and duty occurs after a commitment of some sort has happened. Honesty regardless is a good basis to build a relationship with.

Sploke77 wrote:

One last burger before hitting the road : can you throw size into this equation. How small is Singapore? How rich is Singapore currently?? What resources or land dies it have??

Singapore has nothing. It depends on people to build the economy. Thats why so many foreigners are in Singapore now.

colinoscapee wrote:

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

No question that there is an element of economics involved.  But it's kind of natural that an older person wants to be with a younger, more attractive one.  And if the older person has relatively more money or power, it makes them more desirable to the younger one.  In my farmyard, the bigger, older, tougher rooster has his pick of the young females.  And when in my younger days I used to live in Southern Europe, it was the older Northern European women who had  the money and would journey south to "find love" with the local younger guys.

What I am curious to know is if two Vietnamese marry,  is the man expected to pay money to the in laws in the same manner? Or is that just a case of opportunism when it is the "wealthy foreigner" involved? Any of the locals on this thread care to enlighten me?

colinoscapee wrote:

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

There is nothing wrong with a man who just wants to be happy. Not to forget, that the family usually benefits as well.

vnescape wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

Older men with younger women is definately more common in Asia than in the West.

There is nothing wrong with a man who just wants to be happy. Not to forget, that the family usually benefits as well.

Yes, I was just stating that you see more older men here with younger women then I would in my home country. I never said that it was wrong.

wind1989 wrote:

I were denied a love from him one time and he is very disapointed but after that, a short time,we talk like the couples.If I deny him again, I will lost him because I can feel he do not make frienlds with me, he also ask me what I want and try to bamper me but I still do not say anything about this.

Not sure what you mean :denied a love from him: but it sound like if you accept  :a love from him: this sounds like he is using you, sur dung ban khong yeu, be careful ,very