Hi, I posted this in a reply to " Marrying a man and moving to Jordan in March", however, realized, it really is it's own topic...so here you go.
I am a very independent woman and an original thinker. I have tried to blend my personality and calm it down to mesh with the Arabs...as a result i really lost who i was, questioning everything. I tried to be myself and it backfired, so I changed and then I felt absolutely terrible. I am back to being myself and I am happier. Of course, I must tone certain things down, but trying to care about what others think about me really had me lost.
For example: I brought over about six full wardrope boxes filled with fine women's garments I acquired in the US. Many are Arabic style, and I have really been excited to share them with all the women in my family.
I finally had gone through them all and set aside outfits I thought certain women/girls would like. One of my nieces had just graduated from high school...A VERY big deal here. So, I decided, this would be the perfect chance to give her something. I picked out a pair of leather high heels from Spain, a matching belt and a pair of earrings my artist friend made in CA. I brought them to her, by myself (w/o husband). I was so excited that she graduated, this was kinda like a cheering on for her and to tell her how proud I was. She is much shorter than I am by at least a foot.
I brought her the things, I had wanted to give them in private, but the whole family greeted me (as usual, very welcoming). So I gave her the things, she looked shocked. It turns out the shoes were too small. The belt was too small, and the earrings were based in silver, I had forgotten they only wear gold.
I really felt disappointed and actually their vibe made me feel "stupid", not normal for me. Basically, everything was wrong and they told me this right there. I just didn't know what to do. So, I told her I'd try to find something else, and left.
A few days passed, and I had found something else. I stopped by my husbands parents house before going over. I was worried and asked if I should try again. Luckily, my nephew spoke up and told me, don't do it. They've been making fun of you. Everyone is talking about it, because the items weren't brand new and were the wrong size. Ok, they didn't have price tags, but there was no wear on the shoes or belt.
It turns out that tradition says you should give money for graduation of which I had no idea. So, they were also talking that I was cheap. It turns out the normal amount to give is 20JD. Well, the shoes were $125, like I said, leather, from Spain...the belt and earrings brought the total to a little over $175.
I must say, I was no only heartbroken, but confused, and again, felt really stupid. I honestly can say I have NEVER experienced this kind of shame, in giving. I pondered on what I should do for weeks! I never returned to give her anything else, instead my husband went and gave her the 20JD.
My dreams of sharing all these beautiful and expensive clothing items was crushed.
I later found out that this particle niece was "snobby". So, even though she speaks English, which is very rare only 4 girls out of 50 in my family, I finally decided that there are just certain people I should be friends with, just like in the real world. We all choose are friends right? So, I have now distanced myself, have never spoken about my disappointment to her (although I am just dying to do so, it's my nature to resolve conflict.) However, I was told that she would only make fun of me. This is all so silly, but unfortunately it is my reality.
In the meantime, I invited 4 other nieces of whom I adore over to my house and let them "go shopping". They were delighted and had a great time. They each left with 4 bags of clothes, and were very happy.
So, I hope you can see my point here. I was miserable by being myself and being made fun of, and then miserable for not being myself and not being able to give like I had dreamed. I guess I should be a bit more cautious in the future. I know have "my favorites" in the family, and will continue to share and be myself around them. As for the other, I will keep the realtionship to a friendly, hello, how are you, etc.
So my question to all of you is...
should I ever explain to my ungrateful niece my intention and the difference between their traditional "give money only" as a gift and the American way, give unconditionally? Or should I just let it go? She probably doesn't even understand how much she hurt my feelings, but I would like to tell her that talking badly about somoeone when they were giving is just RUDE!
Thanks! And, not sure if I start a new topic here, but it is related...I am a very adventurous, active woman. I brought over my bike and was told women don't ride bikes. I am really getting out of shape. I now dream of riding my bike through the village...in a way to prove that women can do anything!! And that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this...however, I was told everyone would talk. So what am I supposed to do? Be locked up in the house like the other women, or be myself and show them that women are strong and riding a bike is completely normal?
Again, thanks for any input anyone has on this...