Expat in Mourning

Hi Brenda,

My deepest sympathies at your loss.

Unfortunately, this is about one of the very worst aspects of life as an expat; missing so many important events that happen in the family and your social circle back home when you are not able to travel. Deaths in the family are never easy, especially when they're unexpected and they're many times more difficult when you're so far away and unable to return home. I know exactly how you are feeling because right now I'm going through the same thing, only I have some time to prepare for the worst. My older brother (my hero) is in end-stage pancreatic cancer and has very little time left. As much as I would love to return home to Canada to spend some time with him I cannot, and I know that I won't even be able to return to attend his funeral when the time comes. It's extremely difficult to deal with.

In cases like ours we have to accept that our choices are extremely limited. Social media, communications media like Skype and the telephone are about the limit of what is available to us. Since you and your family at home do have Skype I would suggest that you arrange to have somebody at home RECORD a Skype session. That way you could at least make an oral statement, eulogy if you will, of what your uncle has meant to you during your lifetime, and to express your deep sorrow at his loss and your inability to be there with the rest of the family at this time. This recording could then be played at the funeral services for all to hear and in some small way you would at least be participating in the funeral albeiit from thousands of miles away. I'm sure it would be greatly appreciated by all of your family and will go a long way toward helping you deal with your own grieving process. This is exactly what I am planning on doing. Also know that you ARE NOT ALONE, we all are here for you, especially I am. If you need to talk send me a private message, I'll give you my Skype.

While I try not to ever bring anything to do with religion into my topic postings (other than to defend people against any form of prejudice because of it) I will break my own rule to say the following:

May God bless and comfort you, and all of your family in this time of loss. May you find strength to deal with your grief and continue on. I'm sure your uncle would not want you feeling sad.

God bless,
James       Expat-blog Experts Team

Thank you James. as usual you said just the right thing that I needed to hear.  I am sorry to learn of your brother.  My father (my hero)  was diagnosed with throat cancer right after I left. For him they caught it in time, and he has been cancer free for about a year now. The four years he fought it I felt so guilty that I wasn't there for him. I think that is why my Uncles passing has been so difficult.  Realizing that it can happen just so fast.  I thought I had prepared myself when I said goodbye at the airport. I knew there was a chance that this would be the last time I may see them, but now, I guess it just feels even more real.
Thank you for your advise. I may try to record something. As you say that may help me with my own grief. And also thank you for breaking your own rule. While I respect respect that everyone has their own beliefs and should not be discriminated against, your words did help uplift me. My Uncle was a very religious man, and that is exactly the kind of advise he would want for me.

thanks again, Brenda

You're more than welcome Brenda. I will be sending you a private message with my Skype. If you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear to listen to your feelings don't be afraid to make use of my Skype. You won't be the first and you won't be the last. That's what I love most about volunteering for this position, I get to help make a difference for so many people.

God Bless,
James          Expat-blog Experts Team

Today is the most difficult and saddest day in all my 13 years here in Brazil. At 12:50 am this morning my older brother, Rick, lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. My sister-in-law told me that he passed peacefully as he was heavily medicated.

This is the day that I have always feared since arriving in this country. I always knew it would come, I just didn't know who in the family would be the first. Even though I have had a few months to prepare for my brother's passing it is still very difficult to deal with. Knowing that I can't get back home to attend his funeral only makes it that much more difficult.

********************************
Rick, you'll always be in my heart and forever loved. Thank-you for being my hero, for everything you taught me in this life, all you've meant to me, for the person you always were and for the very great honor of being your kid brother. I know we'll meet again one day. Until then whatever you do, don't trade in your Fender Stratocaster for a harp. They need some good 50s Rock up there!

With much love,
Jim

R.I.P

So sorry to read this sad news James.
No suffering on your brothers part which is a blessing and a peaceful ending. Stay strong.

Have my sympathy James, sorry for your loss.

So sorry on your loss James

May peace and comfort find you during this difficult time.

May he rest in peace ...

Thank-you from the bottom of my heart to all my friends and followers on Expat-blog for your words of condolence. They are very much appreciated.

Little did I know when I advised Brenda (the OP) that I'd be following my own advice so soon afterwards. I always feared that this day would eventually come, even though I didn't know which member of my family would be first. It's not any easier even though I've known of my brother's illness for several months there is a great difference between knowing and being prepared to ACCEPT the reality. It is exactly at times like this that the outpouring of sentiments of our true friends is most comforting. I really don't know how I could get through this without the wonderful friends I've made through my participation here on Expat-blog. Again, my deepest thanks to each and every one of you.

Cheers,
James

Hi James,

the team and I are addressing your our sincere condolences.

Are my thoughts are with you James on this sad day.

Should you need to talk, I will always be here.

Thanks Julien, it is so helpful to know that so many people care so much. I'm very fortunate indeed to have such friends.

Cheers,
James

I would like to express my deepest condolences to you and your family James

May his soul rest in peace and may you get the strength to handle the situation in the best way possible

We send you thoughts of peace and courage.

Stay strong

Maximilien

I`m so sorry for your loss James , we`re all here for you  .

James,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Brenda

Thanks Brenda. I followed my own advice to you and sent my sister-in-law an audio recording to be played at my brother's funeral. This gave me some sense of having participated even though I'm thousands of miles away.

She sent me back a message thanking me profusely and stated that she doesn't know anyone who could have said things quite so eloquently, so I'm feeling rather good about that. Now comes the more difficult part of acceptance and moving on with life as normal. I can't say for sure, but I have been quite ill with gastro-intestinal problems over the past week, no doubt brought on by the added stress. Up since 3:00 am clamped to the toilet.... no fun!!! Hope this is the end of it and I can get back to my teaching schedule soon.

I hope things are going better for you. While I have not been on Skype over the past week if you need somebody to talk to, just to unload or even cry on somebody's shoulder send me a PM and we'll set up a time on Skype. Take care and keep strong.

Cheers,
James

Hi James, I just read this. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Krista

Thanks Krista! I'm hanging in there and things are starting to get better each day. It's never easy, but I'll survive. Just knowing that so many people care really does an old guy good!

Cheers,
James