Loosing Face vietnamese family

Very first of all , you don't have to feel shame or thinking you're loosing face.

Marriage is a huge commitment and it is your own choice whatever your colleague think or want about you/her.

His reaction to ignore you was wrong , not helpful, unfair and not supportive at all.

A bit stinky your story , just give up at least for a while and see what happen.

Anyway , take your time !

(Just my advice but let's see what somebody else would say)

@Zephyron Chao.

I live in VN from 1994, so I suggest you: BE CẢREFULLY.

You are not to try to married your wife, you risk to get marriage with the FAMILY& your wife.

The * MAÚ * will be forewer before the husband, so before to you!!!!

If your girl cameback ALONE, you will can to think about, one time more.

Iper sorry for my english.

Good luck

Hi, listen this is ridiculous. But very common. Your friend is not a friend, it is your country you are German, you ignore him! So you have seen a girl in real life for 16 or less days and they are pressuring you to get married?? Hello? He came with his wife? Screw them! If they live in Germany they should know how stupid this is. They are all trying to use you. Now you wanted to think about marriage, they try to intimidate you? And you still think they are friends? They are obviously trying to use you for the girl to come to Germany. This is not how we do things in Europe, and this is not how nice girls do things in Vietnam. Unfortunately most girls looking for foreigners, not all, but most want something. Either money or a visa. Sure, you had a nice time, she was nice and she probably does genuinely like you. But now she won’t talk to you because you hesitate to get married after 2 week??…Run!! You had a lucky escape believe me. Just imagine what she would do when she is displeased if you are married?? And she has you by the balls. There are millions of girls in these countries and you are acting like this on your first taste? The culture and history you are dealing with, you don’t understand and it will probably ruin you if you don’t toughen up and have some self respect and realise what you are doing and what they are doing.

Do not marry the first Thai or VN woman you think you're in love with. I've been there and know several friends that have regretted doing so. For first timers, spending time with  girls in those countries is like being on a drug; a constant high for a few weeks. My first Thai girlfriend (whom I thought that I was in love with) was only in the relationship for support to her and family. We had a great time together but money was always in the conversation. After dating several Thai and VN girls, I gained valuable experience and can assertain who really care for me and not in it for the visa and support. I'm now married to a wonderful VN woman (have kids together). It was so worth the wait. I do send some funds and gifts to her family. But the amount is always up to me and most often a little more that what my wife recommends. SO, DO NOT PUT a lot of STOCK in what your friend and his wife thinks. The relationship is already in a bad place. If you get married to her I'm 90% sure it will not work out. Fold your crds and walk away. I would.

@Zephyron

Forgive me for asking but, are you Viet Kieu?

I feel it germane to this conversation, otherwise I would not ask.

The culture and history you are dealing with, you don’t understand and it will probably ruin you if you don’t toughen up and have some self respect and realise what you are doing and what they are doing.
-@Joelalaland

Spot on. 👍

I'm just wondering though, based on the syntax of the OP's English (admittedly a second language for him) if his roots are German or perhaps Asian?

I lived in Deutschland for five years and I can usually spot the syntax trends of a native German writing or speaking English.

Also, what native German that anyone knows is ever concerned about "saving face"?

I suspect that the OP is Việt Kiều (overseas Vietnamese/Vietnamese outside Việt Nam; depending on what translation/meaning you impart to the term) and is either the offspring of a native Vietnamese family living in Germany or has become a naturalized German citizen through some immigration mechanism there.

That's not to say that he fully understands the culture and history here in Vietnam.

But I find it extremely difficult to visualize a native German man being conflicted enough about his "tragic story" to speak of how the behavior of his Vietnamese co-worker brought him to tears, and then goes seeking guidance in a Vietnam forum.

I do not doubt a bit that he has a great love feeling for this woman, but my personal opinion is that his biggest mistake was to decide to stay with her, even if her young child was not staying there at the time.

This is in line with the good advice given by the Colonel in his reply above.

No matter how much a foreigner has established a relationship with a Vietnamese woman long distance, my experience informs me that it's best to insist on getting your own place to stay when you first arrive.

A single Vietnamese woman would normally want a foreigner to do that and her family would normally expect him to do that.

In this culture, the act of living together in her house and then taking a trip together to another city and staying in the same hotel together speaks either engagement to marriage OR two people acting inappropriately.

There really isn't any third option in a situation such as this.

That's not to say that people aren't shacking up all the time and even doing so successfully without marriage.

But in the context of this specific scenario given by the OP, in the eyes of the family and his friend he has done one of two things:

1. He has declared his love for her and intention to marry based on his actions, OR, 2. He took advantage of the vulnerability of this Vietnamese woman so he could have a nice wild holiday at her expense.

Since this is the way a lot of foreigners behave here, I suppose it's worth giving the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was ignorant as to the implications of his actions.

But I'm pretty sure if I was his Vietnamese friend I wouldn't be talking with him either.

I do not write all of this to condemn the OP in any way, but rather in hopes that the casual reader who's contemplating a similar relationship will be forewarned and listen to a lot of the good advice that was posted before my comment.

1. He has declared his love for her and intention to marry based on his actions, OR, 2. He took advantage of the vulnerability of this Vietnamese woman so he could have a nice wild holiday at her expense.

@OceanBeach92107

OR, 3. She attempted to ensnare a foreigner by offering him her "lucky charms", and is now furious that the barbed hook didn't set?

And WTH? It was the coworker who proposed marriage? I'm wondering, based on the OP's description of the coworker's and the wife's reaction, whether some sort of dowry/finder's-fee might be in play here.

In any event, odd.

OR, 3. She attempted to ensnare a foreigner by offering him her "lucky charms", and is now furious that the barbed hook didn't set?
-@Aidan in HCMC

Surely, you aren't implying she's a golddigger?

well gentlemen, perhaps none is seeing this as a 50/50 cultural issue, I mean 50% as a vietnamese thinks, and 50% what a western or eastern thinks.  In Vietnam it's not so common to see couples kissing in public, for they the courtship is very intimate, also any little contact like a shakehands is not common. So, when you are in their country and put your tool into some female (not a prostitute of course) you are practically putting a ring in your finger. And pass the Tet with the family? oh man you were doomed.  Maybe with a Thai girl, but not with a vietnamese.

So use your 50% of your adventure and try to get why your vn-friends hate you.  And continue with your life because everybody else is not respecting that was a cultural shock

@OceanBeach92107

i completely agree with this assessment.  That is the Vietnamese culture.

1- If she just wanted to have a wild time with you she would not have introduce you to her family. It would be in secret.  There must have been some declaration of love and promise to her. 

2- In this scenario,  she shamed herself and her family. 

I am not saying that this something that is understood by foreigners.  If you just want to sleep with a girl then just get a professional. It’s not that expensive.

I guess OP Zephyron is not coming back. Piece of work. 🤦‍♂️

I wanted to tell him his German friend is an ass, his friend's wife is the stereotypical Asian manipulator that guys worry about, and you don't fall in love in 2 weeks especially with a single mom.

Yes you lost face -- with every guy in this forum, crybaby. 👶

There. It feels good telling youguys anyway, tho. 

I guess OP Zephyron is not coming back. Piece of work. 🤦‍♂️

He came back, daily, until 4 days ago. I suspect he's busy with his wedding plans (and expenses).

I wanted to tell him his German friend is an ass, his friend's wife is the stereotypical Asian manipulator that guys worry about, and you don't fall in love in 2 weeks especially with a single mom.

I was thinking all three Viet Kieu. Not culturally German.

Yes you lost face -- with every guy in this forum, crybaby. 👶

I had forgotten to reply to him that it is in very poor taste to join a forum, request advice and then not bother to even acknowledge questions from existing members who were trying to help. Not even once.

There. It feels good telling youguys anyway, tho.
-@gobot

@Zephyron this sounds really toxic. Move on and save yourself from a big deal of trouble.

Sounds like the colleague's wife was the one doing the manipulating.

This is about HER younger sister who has a young son.

So co-worker's wife asked her husband about who would be good husband for her little sister is my guess.

Husband mentioned Zephyron and a strategy was planned.

All was good until poor Zephyron wanted to take time to think things through.

Understandable considering he never mentioned meeting or spending time with the woman's son..red flag #1. Red flag #2 is that he was manipulated from a work setting.

Poor Zeph thinks HE lost face when it is other way around.His co-worker should have approached it as an arranged marriage situation instead of letting Zeph believe it was a random stars aligning love meeting. He was being set up.

People can be so conniving. C'est La Vie