He wanted me to take decision. One decision but im in doubt. He ask me that if i love him ..marry him bec he wanted to have family already. He is already old..etc. as for me i wanted to go slow. As for him i shouldnt hang him. Once in for all tell him if i wanted to then he will come to marry. Then if not, no problem he will go on his way to make his life. Bec for him if you really want a person if you really love a person go and marry him. But me things are not yet developed deeply.though he stayed at our house for 3 days,..well i entrust to God everything. Thsnk you for your .God blesd
#13 2013-10-29 11:51:34
""Well i can feel his sincerity. Prior to courtship, he already told me that, my aim is to marry.will you marry me? THats the introduction:""
Catcat_11, you can (feel) the sincerity of his (words).... That's really all you knew at the time. And looking at things from a male's point of view, what is there to lose by telling a girl you want to marry her right out of the gate, before you actually even meet her or spend (significant time)* with her. It's an easy thing to say....
Say it he did, you also said he was easy or light on presents....that he did not really invest in the relationship, beyond his words, and sincerity, he "used himself as the gift".... There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, but it needs to be analyzed a little anyway in some form of context....
Giving gifts is common throughout the animal kingdom as an expression of "Love or interest", without the higher order thought patterns of more sophisticated animals, or beings, or even plain old every day organisms. Keeping in context on the theme of gift giving, even (insects) give gifts to potential mates, which is pretty extraordinary. But it does show the ubiquity of the idea.
However I can't find fault with a person simply because he does not give gifts, but it has to be recognized and understood, that giving gifts is a very common way of showing affection. And it also has to be recognized as a bit of a "disinvestment" strategy in a relationship, that has not been cemented, for example...by ENGAGEMENT. We are talking about a professional man, here. You had mentioned his belief, thoughts, ideas, of engagement... is like "tissue paper" to him. This is a little unusual...[ One bad apple ] does not necessarily spoil the whole barrel. So this begs the question are there more "bad apples" that he has had negative experiences with....
#14 2013-10-29 12:01:06
""He trusted me in the beginning:""
A relationship from afar, has little choice but to trust...one is not there to physically see or have any "occupational" control, so one is forced to trust. There is really nothing unusual, or showing any kind of (extra) love, commitment, or devotion, it's more a matter of making the best of the situation, of which distance is a barrier.... because one does not have any choice. But it is useful, in it allows feelings to grow on both sides of the relationship.
""That past relationship of him was last 2001.then he searched and searched:""
In my mind this is a major crack in the foundation, of the story so far... You are talking 13 years here, [that's a whole lot of searching going on]. In perspective The Great Odysseus, of the Greeks; also known as The Great Ulysses, of the Romans; was almost finished with three quarters of his 20 years of (legendary searching) in this amount of time. This part pulls my mind to your statement of him saying, how little trust he has in endearments of traditional romance, this gets back, or harks back, to the idea of engagement being like "tissue paper" to him....Perhaps he has compelling reason(s) for thinking this way.
13 years of searching in vain, and he finally found you.... The one he's been searching for, well on into the 2nd decade no less... Hum...Well I do understand a woman's need to feel (special...) and there can often be some serious self aggrandizing vanity, in deciding just "how wonderful I really am" that lucky him, finally found me...
Self Aggrandizement: The act or practice of enhancing or exaggerating one's own importance, power, or reputation.
""He pushed it. Until i got a call that he is already here in the philippines:""
This falls back to the trust issue, doesn't it? Showing up out of the blue, from thousands of miles away, without letting you know he's coming until he's figuratively on your door step.... Well again thinking from a male's point of view it does give a "bird's eye view" of what is really going on with the Filipina. Because There's little time for the Filipina to prepare, maneuver, or (fix things) and make herself completely ready... If she has another man, she will probably just cough it up, and tell the newly arrived suitor, that things aren't really working out between them.
But and it's important for you to understand if he was really trusting...he would have let you know he's coming. But again considering the history in his stories, I can't really fault him for that either.... But it's more self aggrandizing on your part, again, to think it's only out of complete love and trust that he suddenly shows up on the horizon. Love and (investigation) would be a better description of his visit of haste. If a man really wants to know what's going on just showing up unannounced is an excellent way of seeing exactly what is going on
""until he found my friend.a nurse of him..he said he wants a girl which is filipina, a doctor also. An educated one. Then i was found:""
This is easy enough to understand, the nurse friend tells him you are Doctor and single, that he may be interested in you, and he then seeks to find out more, this is normal in the scouting stage, when seekers are seeking others, of whom are also interested in being sought. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy type thing....
#15 2013-10-29 12:13:38
""His is asking me to try sometime to work in saudia so that you will know how it feels:""
This is a big step, there's (lots) pluses and minuses, he wants you to come with him, and work in a contract environment as an Expatriate. Is this after you've married him or before you've married him? It's easy enough for me to see that one could go and do this without being married, first, and then deciding sometime in the next year or so, if marriage is "in the cards" or not.
What are you giving up to go and try this? If you are only giving up working in someone else's clinic, and you've not started your own business, that is, your own Dental Clinic, then there obvious advantages to going abroad and seeing / experiencing life in another environment, culture. You're still young and it's hard to see how this would have a negative impact on your life.
These comments are just "food for thought", if you can remember your organic chemistry, the distillation process in lab, the continually refining of "solutions" as you take and manipulate certain generalities, then keep streamlining them through a series of laboratory maneuvers into their more basic crystalline parts. It's called "reductionism", for lack of a better word I guess. But it does boil, cook, strain, separate, divide, and remove (extraneous parts), à la the "crucible". One gets down the fundamental piece or pieces of an "experiment". Relationships are always experiments, especially in the beginning, with so many (unknowns).
#11 2013-10-28 10:31:59
""i have a good news. i thank God for letting me to know this site. bec it help me to broaden my mind. as for me i really dont want to hurriedly get married.i still want to enjoy my life. you know when i use some words u gave me,i think it helped. bec he understand me better. i have a feeling now that he can wait..as long as i will not take my age at 30 when i will marry him""
Catcat_11, voicing my opinion as a "reductionists" I would say he does not have a choice, he has actually (decided) little, if anything... He tried to push the envelope, and force your hand.... you pushed back, politely, and maybe even delicately, and even if you ever so gently said no. It was still no....
If I could walk a mile in this Chaps shoes, the Indian Doc, I'd be thinking about my relationship before, in 2001 that is a striking " bilateral - mirror image" of the (present) relationship now...that he has just agreed... and placed himself into. Wait three more years, after having already committed one year....and with the failed attempt to make you move faster.
A "bilateral" mirror image, or simply put "mirror symmetry", means that an object or shape has two halves that are identical mirror images of each other...
Realistically what are his choices...? Wait for you, in hopes that you will do as you (implied...), that is (exactly what happened before), with his other professional Filipina, of three or four years duration. Or, he can break off the relationship, and keep moving along with his great search.... Those are his choices.
Well there is a (third) choice, he can stay in the relationship as is, and continue to keep looking as time moves along, but in many ways this is self defeating. This guy, based on this story, so far anyway, does not need any more defeats.
There was a great song by a guy named Paul Simon, called "fifty ways to leave your lover" there is a line in the song that goes like this.... "I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude...."
And, so I will repeat myself, again, at the risk of being crude.
Dear Mr. Bangladeshi Doc,
There's nothing in life to be learned, by being kicked by a mule a second time.
I'll kindly refer to what the baseball umpire, said. "I just call them the way I see them, not necessarily the way they are."
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))) funny... I thought we were asked our opinions and I freely and honestly told mine...
