How often have you felt this way... just wondering

10POSTS

14 years ago

Just wondering (and maybe this is mostly for expat women), how often have you felt:

-- like you've lost sense of who you are
-- powerless
-- disconnected
-- culture shock
-- guilty
-- sorry for yourself
-- lonely

During your expat post(s), how prevalent are/were those feelings?

I keep bouncing between them all (although culture shock is gone now) and would love to hear other people's experience with them. How strong are they for you? And what do you do about them?

Thanks!

See also

Living abroad: the expat guide - Guide
Have you wondered? - 14 Replies
Have you ever felt lost? - 19 Replies
MLT with DHA License Seeking Migration Advice - 1 Reply
How can I get a FAB bank statement after leaving the UAE? - 0 Reply
Tea or Coffee? - 242 Replies
How are professionals preparing for possible regional escalation? - 3 Replies

ericwt Serial expat

280POSTS

14 years ago

I question my sanity often. All and all I think I am pretty functional.

I am in a third world country with a highly corrupt government that has a per capita murder rate over 7 times higher than the USA. Easy to feel powerless when I know if I get murdered the people who do it will likely get away with it.

Disconnected? You bet, all the time. In fairness though, I always felt like I did not belong in the USA.

Culture shock.... You do get over it but when it hit me hard I started crying and could not stop. Was depressed for over a month. Walking helps and also communicating online helps.

Guilty? I cut myself some slack on this. All you can do is learn and move on.

Sorry for myself? I wasted to much time on this. No more.

Lonely? Of course, but that is okay. Now I have a clearer idea of what I want in a partner. It was recently I realized how much I do have to offer the right person.

I fail to see how this post is for women only.

ExpatForever wrote:
Just wondering (and maybe this is mostly for expat women), how often have you felt:

-- like you've lost sense of who you are
-- powerless
-- disconnected
-- culture shock
-- guilty
-- sorry for yourself
-- lonely

Thanks!

ExpatForever Member

10POSTS

14 years ago

ericwt wrote:
I question my sanity often. All and all I think I am pretty functional.

I am in a third world country with a highly corrupt government that has a per capita murder rate over 7 times higher than the USA. Easy to feel powerless when I know if I get murdered the people who do it will likely get away with it.

Disconnected? You bet, all the time. In fairness though, I always felt like I did not belong in the USA.

Culture shock.... You do get over it but when it hit me hard I started crying and could not stop. Was depressed for over a month. Walking helps and also communicating online helps.

Guilty? I cut myself some slack on this. All you can do is learn and move on.

Sorry for myself? I wasted to much time on this. No more.

Lonely? Of course, but that is okay. Now I have a clearer idea of what I want in a partner. It was recently I realized how much I do have to offer the right person.

I fail to see how this post is for women only.

ExpatForever wrote:
Just wondering (and maybe this is mostly for expat women), how often have you felt:

-- like you've lost sense of who you are
-- powerless
-- disconnected
-- culture shock
-- guilty
-- sorry for yourself
-- lonely

Thanks!

Thanks, ericwt, for responding. It's not for women only but my experience tells me that there are more women than men that have those feelings...

ericwt Serial expat

280POSTS

14 years ago

I think I will agree that women are more in touch with their feelings than men. I also know some men are afraid to admit how they feel.

So I am with you on that. But trust me, these emotions are not gender related.

Anyone who has the guts to move from their home country and into a totally new environment is going to experience an element of culture shock and questioning their decision. They may deny it or pretend it is not there, but it is.

Interesting none the less. Hope others reply to this thread.

ExpatForever Member

10POSTS

14 years ago

ericwt wrote:
I think I will agree that women are more in touch with their feelings than men. I also know some men are afraid to admit how they feel.

So I am with you on that. But trust me, these emotions are not gender related.

Anyone who has the guts to move from their home country and into a totally new environment is going to experience an element of culture shock and questioning their decision. They may deny it or pretend it is not there, but it is.

Interesting none the less. Hope others reply to this thread.

No, not gender related at all. Just, like you said, women pay more attention to things that surface and take the time to look at them.

Hope we get more people on here!

Thebritishone Active member

25POSTS

14 years ago

When I first took the leap and moved over to Norway I went through all of those feelings on a daily basis, especially loneliness and guilt. My partner (the guy paying the rent and generally most things back then!) would work long hours and I'd be left at home in our damp old apartment thinking of ways to pass the time and knowing I'd have to repeat the pitiful process again the next day. I wanted my friends and my family when they simply weren't there.. Then I'd feel the guilt, for not being happy about being with the man I love, for complaining while he paid the bills and work his bum off... Ugh I cannot give you an exact amount I felt those emotions you listed but it was a lot a heck of a lot.

Being English even bits of contract work I bring it now reach nothing close to my husband-to-be's wages so I still feel sorry for myself (and him,) fairly often.

But still things moved on. Its a year later now. I pushed through those feelings when they hit me and talked to my other half about it so we just sort of got through it, and things are better now

We have left that damp ol' apartment and the shock of it all has faded (very gradually if I'm honest) I knew I wanted to be here above everything else, so the only option was to just push through it. I still get days when I feel those things but now it tends to be one at a time and I can deal with it, just knowing its improving and its not always going to feel that way helped.

Plus, blogging was a great way for me to vent without feeling as though I was complaining

Hope it helped,

salma.moha Member

14POSTS

14 years ago

very interesting subject in fact, most of time we are just keeping those feeling ( lonely, feeling sorry for ur self, guilty....) we keep those feeling for us and even when we meet someone new we are worry if he or she will understand us and understand our feeling, moreover being by ur self and have no family around makes things worse, sometimes we have doubt about something even we are sure that is fine, and yes I agree that women are more sensitive in that side, they give attention even for a very small things and believe me my friends as a woman it gives me headache but still can't make myself as I dont care , no I can't,,,
but the good thing and positive side in all of this that we take more time to be clear with our selves, I mean we are trying all the time to do the right thing by the right way,, coz being far from home and family and friends and everything there ,,all this make as trying our best to save time,,, when we do things with the right way there is a small risk of mistake so there is no need to correct so we can save time,, by saving time we can make other plans ,,,,

good luck for all friends

HaileyinHongKong ViP

4723POSTS

14 years ago

I had the culture shock in the beginning, but I've been in Hong Kong for almost a year now and I think I'm getting the hang of it. I don't pretend to understand the culture, but I've learned how to adjust to it.

I'm still pretty disconnected. I speak only a few phrases of the language and really can't understand anyone when they speak. Instead of slowing down and speaking clearly, they usually speed up and get high pitched. That doesn't help me, but I'm the foreigner, not them.

I don't know why I should feel guilty. I didn't do anything wrong. I also can't see why I'd feel sorry for myself. I'm living a weird, exotic adventure. I have a great job with enough time to waste online.

It's hard to feel lonely in such a crowded city.

I think if you know who you are before you leave your home country that probably helps.

ExpatForever Member

10POSTS

14 years ago

Thanks, everyone, for your contributions. It's really fascinating how a lot of us have these feelings (all in different doses and all in different order) -- knowing that makes it easier. Well, I find, at least.

And yes, knowing who you are is a HUGE help in overcoming all of this... although the doubts and the saboteurs (the inner critics) will still try to chime in regardless of how well we know who we are.

sepikmari New member

6POSTS

14 years ago

#10

Of all the places I ever lived, I think Papua New Guinea was the most difficult. I was living alone and it was very dangerous. The most frightening were the rats and bugs. The rats would crawl over you at night and you'd find droppings on your stuff in the morning.

Then, there was no electricity, so when it got dark, you stayed inside by yourself becuase it was not safe to go out where I was living. You bet I felt alone! Plus, there was nothing to do and nowhere to go. And I couldn't speak the language.

The difference was that I was there as a missionary helping to build a radiio station, and the work was interesting during the day when I was with the others at work, but at night you could forget it. I cried a lot but thought I'd been sent there so had the resolve to stay.

I think that having to be alone like that made me face a lot of things about myself and taught me a lot about life and about me. I guess one of the biggest lessons was, it's not about me!

slyfox New member

6POSTS

14 years ago

#11

I've always see my self as a self efficient and able to handle pretty much about everything in life. I was that very sure of myself, never thought of finding myself in this limbo especially not after being an expat for more than 5 years.

Never before I felt alone, yes I do have friends but sometimes life has unexpected painful twist, its hard when you realized that when you need someone whom u can turn to but unfortunately nobody seems to be around. Felt more disconnected than ever and so lost... I had cried my heart out feeling sorry to myself. Never picture myself as being wimpy..especially not at 30ish!

Trying..wanting to overcome this phase but most often, i found myself like crying even amidst of the crowds. Never the less I need to put a face...smile cause life goes on even when im hurting very much inside...I just keep on thinking that He won't give more than I CAN handle.

globetrotter ViP

156POSTS

14 years ago

#12

Becoming serial expats was something my husband and I dreamed of for years. We both love change and other cultures.
When we finally succeeded we were over the moon. The only negative feeling I had was guilt towards our family and friends for leaving them behind.
Then, 2 years ago, I became a mom and everything changed. He had baby colic and sometimes cried for 7 hours.Pretty soon I was dealing with a postnatal depression and a newborn all by myself, since my husband had to go back to work. My family tried to visit and phone as often as they could, but most of the time I felt depressed and alone. Finally, after a year I started to enjoy life again, but I am convinced that being an expat worsened and prolongued my condition considerably.
And although I am back in my happy place now, I realize that once things go wrong there is no place like home were you are surrounded by family and friends.

sepikmari New member

6POSTS

14 years ago

#13

No, He won't give you more than you can handle. Hmmm, I was a missionary in Papua New Guinea (now there's a strange place to live, especially alone, also without electricity and quite dangerous) and I got a very rare and deadly cancer. I didn't know anybody, and my family back home didn't want to take care of me.

I didn't want to go on because I felt neither God nor my family wanted me. What an awesome experience I went through bonding with my Saviour during that time. Please remember, He is sufficient for you and you are quite right, He will not give you more than you can handle, but He will stretch you so you can grow.

francaiscuisine Active member

40POSTS

13 years ago

#14

hi ExpatForever
tell us what happened..?
culture shock? - u experience it when u move to new place, when u'r newbie at workplace

wonderin' why u are lonely.. hmmm

rajrana1981 Serial expat

384POSTS

13 years ago

#15

why do u have to feel all that is described .
work hard and be happy
its all about a positive approach
most important and common thing remain busy , if you are idle you get different thoughts . keep ur mind and body occupied .

biscuta Active member

49POSTS

13 years ago

#16

I've always wanted to travel and see the world, it was my dream. I started traveling in 2008 alone in Korea and China and it felt great, then in 2009 I moved to Korea, it was hard on my family and actually they didn't accept it. By the time my family accepted that I moved away from home, I got married to an American my family accepted that but my mother would prefer if I got married to an Egyptian.

I'm very happy with my life and with my choices but sadly my mother always blaming me for leaving.

Many times I felt sad and cried before bed not for the reasons listed above, I cried because my family think I don't love them enough to stay in Egypt, and because the most people I love don't understand me well. That feeling is really hard and put me in a sad mood.

Adim Active member

98POSTS

13 years ago

#17

biscuta wrote:
I've always wanted to travel and see the world, it was my dream. I started traveling in 2008 alone in Korea and China and it felt great, then in 2009 I moved to Korea, it was hard on my family and actually they didn't accept it. By the time my family accepted that I moved away from home, I got married to an American my family accepted that but my mother would prefer if I got married to an Egyptian.

I'm very happy with my life and with my choices but sadly my mother always blaming me for leaving.

Many times I felt sad and cried before bed not for the reasons listed above, I cried because my family think I don't love them enough to stay in Egypt, and because the most people I love don't understand me well. That feeling is really hard and put me in a sad mood.

yah live our own choice is not always understand by people dear to us..as for me i love travelling and i am fond of foreigners!
Cheers Biscuta