Funeral Advice

vanillavodkaandjunk wrote:

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help please?

My (English) grandfather who lived in Hungary for years married to a Hungarian lady, died on Monday. She died about 15 years ago.

My mum was with him when he died in hospital and his body was taken away for cremation.

There will be a service in a few weeks time that we will all be travelling over to but I am just looking for guidance on funeral etiquette I guess in Hungary, if someone can help? His wife's family will all be there and are all Hungarian so kind of know the ropes already.

It's the simple stuff that is taken for granted like, are there flowers, do we wear all black etc.

If anyone has any advice we would be really grateful,

Thanks in advance,

Sorry to hear about your grandfather.

I've been to several funerals here.   It's much the same as the UK with minor differences depending on the religious persuasion of the person.   Here, nearly everyone is Catholic but in the UK they could be just about anything. 

I see there will be a cremation.  That's relatively unusual.  Usually people are buried which is another scenario. 

From what I remember, the deceased is cremated almost immediately without the service (different in the UK where the cremation and service are done at the same time). Here,  the family collect the ashes and organises any memorial services thereafter at a time of their choosing which can be as simple as a gathering at a house.    That's a bit different to the UK.  Usually there are some snacks and drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic as people drive).

The local cemetery may have an alcove to place the ashes  with a stone memorial (needs to be arranged) or they can be disposed of in another way - scattered at  a favourite spot. I do not think you need permission to say, scatter them in the garden. I am sure people do things like scatter them in the Danube or in the forest and do not ask permission. 

I was at a service when our neighbour passed last year and he was cremated.  The ashes were in a urn on a table.   There were just a few people standing in the garden of his house and his daughter in law read a tribute, everyone said sorry to the relatives and immediately left.   I think the ashes were disposed of in the garden.

There can be flowers, often wreaths are ordered locally. People do wear black or black armbands just like the UK.   If you grandfather was well known, many people can turn up for the service - they just come for that part and then leave immediately as they seem to be able to get time off work for a funeral.  My Father In Law was quite well known in his village and I think there were at least 80 people there. Only the closest relatives usually come back for drinks/snacks.

BTW, there are still COVID restrictions here for certain people so best to plan ahead and have a Plan B for travel.   A lot of flights seem to get cancelled here (including one of mine just today - thank you BA) for unknown reasons.   Make sure you get the right paperwork to get in here and if possible make sure your party are all vaccinated and you have certificates etc.   There's a lot of confusion about the entry requirements.

vanillavodkaandjunk wrote:

his body was taken away for cremation.,

As with all things in Hungary the family will have to fill out paper work and declare what is done with the ashes. This is often requires written agreement by family members as to what is done with the ashes.

See a link to the Hungarian law on funerals (in English) below, which includes information on what information you need to record regarding disposition of any ashes:

http://funeralhungary.com/temetkezé … ngolul.pdf

Hope this helps.

radiumpotato wrote:

vanillavodkaandjunk wrote:

his body was taken away for cremation.,

As with all things in Hungary the family will have to fill out paper work and declare what is done with the ashes. This is often requires written agreement by family members as to what is done with the ashes.

See a link to the Hungarian law on funerals (in English) below, which includes information on what information you need to record regarding disposition of any ashes:

http://funeralhungary.com/temetkezé … ngolul.pdf

Hope this helps.

Good stuff.

Just to say some odd things happen here - Mrs F's great grandmother's ashes were put into the wall of her house (in a niche/hole).  They were in an urn.  Family members still lived there.

There was a memorial stone affixed to the house under the place where the niche was. It was half way up the wall on one side.   

It caused quite a problem when trying to sell the house as no-one wanted them there. 

In the end, the ashes had to moved out of the house and into the cemetery.  I seem to remember it had to be "official" but I think it was more official caused by the cemetery regulations.  She was deceased for 50 years or something like that.  No-one cared really.

Update:  Mrs F says you can do what you want with the ashes. There are no regulations other than public health stuff.  In the majority of cases, this isn't going to be an issue post-cremation.

Thanks so much for all  your help folks, it'll put my mum and dad's mind at ease to know what to expect. I feel like my mum is almost a spectator in what is happening rather than being involved and she is his only blood relative. And the hospital taking his body and that was the end of any contact was very hard on her - we are used to at least being able to see them lying in repose afterwards.

His wife's family have all been lovely and are really trying to help but it's hard with the language barrier and the local traditions.

Thanks again, have a lovely day,

vanillavodkaandjunk wrote:

Thanks so much for all  your help folks, it'll put my mum and dad's mind at ease to know what to expect. I feel like my mum is almost a spectator in what is happening rather than being involved and she is his only blood relative. And the hospital taking his body and that was the end of any contact was very hard on her - we are used to at least being able to see them lying in repose afterwards.

His wife's family have all been lovely and are really trying to help but it's hard with the language barrier and the local traditions.

Thanks again, have a lovely day,

Is your Mum able to speak Hungarian?    She might be in shock over the situation with little time given by officials. It's different here to the UK where there tends to be more sympathy verbalised. 

The British Embassy might be able to put you in contact with a local funeral director who can speak English and would understand the cultural differences.

The repose thing does happen but with cremations it's usually all done very fast. 

With burials, there's always a chapel or room at the cemetery where the deceased can lie in an open coffin for just a couple of hours or so depending on the state of the individual.  There may be a priest or celebrant.  More likely a priest. 

In the funerals I've been to - pretty much all Catholic here -  it's my feeling is that it's very much a process that shows a life has ended to those gathered. One is being a witness to a ritual of finality.

It's relatively mechanical as a process.  The  top is put on at the time the funeral takes place so one sees the top being screwed down.  The  burial has to take place at speed because there's no embalming and therefore there's an incentive to bury the person quickly.   

For me the first time it was a little disturbing with 4 or more burly  workers shovelling in earth and the clods hitting the coffin (like hitting a wooden box).  But Mrs F tells me they now put special blankets on top of the coffin to dull the sound.

The funeral workers then rearrange the flowers on top of the heap of earth and they put in a temporary marker (cross or whatever).   The mourners then pass the relatives offering condolences. Then people gradually filter away or continue back to a reception.

So sorry about your grandfather.
Try not to worry ,I'm positive since his wife is HUngarian that things will go smooth.
She should be able to get his death certificate which she will need later  for any banking and or property they held.
I have a freind who had a relation pass in Hungary and as neither was a HU citizen it got very compilacted to get the death certificate.
Their embassy was of no help either. Just gave them a list of lawyers to contact at the rate fof 100,000 forints per hour.
From what I know they body wasn't released for a very long time. It actaully became ,"unclaimed" because matters dragged on so long. Think most of the issue was the attending doctor at time of death was not helpful with communicating what had to be done and when.
My HU husband and I even walked into a creamation center for this person to ask questions for them.
He even tried to speak with the coroner but as we were not family they didn't say much, left our phone nember as a cntact but never got a call from them.
Since neither was HU they wanted nothing to do with handling the body or any details, got too messy for them.
They did however tell us how much it costs for a simple cremation, that too is around 100,000 forints with any extras you want to add.
I noticed the price of urns on display, not too bad, very simple one were about 15,000 forints on up.
I knw the feeling though when a loved one passes on we don't see dollar signs we just want the best for them.

My HU MIL passed away about 14 years ago. My husband had to fly over from the states and help with details of her funeral. She had already sort of pre paid for what she wanted but in the end they , the family wanted more for her. They paid extra for the priest to put on his high hat, guess the more you pay him the higher his hat is! So odd to me but then again I'm not religious like that.Paid more for extra music and such too.
Again, sorry part of life that is hard for sure.

I'm sorry, I didn't geet it about your step-granny having passed first.
Still think it wn't be an issue since your grandfather was legally married to a HU citizen.
When my friends relation passed here during the lockdowns I was really surprised to find out how they were treated as none Hungarian citizens when it came to a death.
Nothing could be settled until a death certificate was given. They , the doctor wouldn't released the certificate and the US embassy wouldn't help at all.
I know a English teacher here who's co worker from Ireland passed, his wife also had a hard time getting a death certificate.
As the spouce of a HU citizen either living or passed on they family should be given the death certifacte frm the attending doctor or hospital.
Don't die in a strange land is what I took away from the drama that happened to my friend here.

Marilyn Tassy wrote:

I'm sorry, I didn't geet it about your step-granny having passed first.
Still think it wn't be an issue since your grandfather was legally married to a HU citizen.
When my friends relation passed here during the lockdowns I was really surprised to find out how they were treated as none Hungarian citizens when it came to a death.
Nothing could be settled until a death certificate was given. They , the doctor wouldn't released the certificate and the US embassy wouldn't help at all.
I know a English teacher here who's co worker from Ireland passed, his wife also had a hard time getting a death certificate.
As the spouce of a HU citizen either living or passed on they family should be given the death certifacte frm the attending doctor or hospital.
Don't die in a strange land is what I took away from the drama that happened to my friend here.

It is an interesting thing.  The accepted wisdom about the British Embassy is that they might actually make your situation worse. Sounds like the US Embassy might be like that on occasions.

I looked at my travel insurance a while back and it covered repatriation of remains but only those that had be cremated, i.e. cheapest solution. So about 3-5 kg of ashes and ground up bone in a bag and cardboard box.   Those are of course, sterile so could just be shipped  by DHL or UPS. I think the insurance was mainly to arrange  the paperwork and the act of cremation plus the shipping.  Obviously doesn't matter to the deceased.   

Interesting thing in the UK is that you cannot bury ashes in an urn or another container.  They have to be directly placed into the ground.   Here, I don't think they care about burying the urn.

It's been 10 months now since someone I know here in Hungary passed away.
Their relation still has not recieved the death certificate.
They even had official US companies call the HU embassy and only got rude responces to their questions.
Even the US embassy in Budapest was rude to everyone trying to get info about the certicate.
Still on ongoing issue.
They body can't be released without a certificate!
This person has had yet a 3rd party embassy rep. contact both the records dept in HU and the US embassy in Budapest and that hasn't helped as of yet.
My other US friend said her co-worker from Ireland who passed here while even being under contract with a co. was held up without a death certificate. His Irish wife had a huge issue finally getting it so his remains could be turned over to her.
I don't understand really, has to be a money and or communication problem?

Perhaps there's only one bureaucrat authorized to sign the foreigner's death certificate and he's taken Covid as a good excuse to just sit home.

zif wrote:

Perhaps there's only one bureaucrat authorized to sign the foreigner's death certificate and he's taken Covid as a good excuse to just sit home.

Maybe there's a lack of baksheesh in the process.

You'd think the cost of storage would encourage them to get the person out the door asap.  Refrigeration and space costs quite a bit.  And then there's a public health issue.

I'd have thought there was some law like if unclaimed after 3 months and no other reason to keep the deceased, they would be automatically cremated and the ashes stored for a further 3 months, then disposed of if further unclaimed - spread the ashes somewhere.

Don't really know about here.

My sisters friend passed recently in the UK.  She was mega sick with cancer and a raft of other illnesses and I think COVID got her in the end.  For some reason, the hospital has ordered an autopsy.  It seems rather strange to do that when it's fairly obvious either COVID or the cancer got her.  What's to investigate? 

When my mother passed in 2019 in the UK, I went to the hospital to collect the death certificate. I was allowed to read it - cause was heart failure as I already knew.  They then  sealed it up in an envelope and gave it to me to take to the registrar office.  Then the official certificate was issued. It wasn't enough for the crematorium just to have the cause of death paperwork from the hospital.

Well my friends relation so far isn't even registerd in the district they lived in at the office that handles such things.
Many people have called up here to HU to ask what's up but so far nothing but rudeness.
Like I mentioned my husband who hates getting personally involved in things called the Hungarian coranors office to ask if we could forward any info to the family and we left our number with them in case they needed it later, heard nada.
First really started when they were asked if they were having a religious service for the deceased. When they answer was n just a creamation then things got out of control.
They wanted a few thousand US bucks for a religious service and when they wasn't forthcoming they hit a brick wall f no one knowing what was going on.
I hope they fix this issue soon as the grief and hassle is too much and has been going on too long. It would be nice to put it behind them and move on.

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help please?

My (English) grandfather who lived in Hungary for years married to a Hungarian lady, died on Monday. She died about 15 years ago.

My mum was with him when he died in hospital and his body was taken away for cremation.

There will be a service in a few weeks time that we will all be travelling over to but I am just looking for guidance on funeral etiquette I guess in Hungary, if someone can help? His wife's family will all be there and are all Hungarian so kind of know the ropes already.

It's the simple stuff that is taken for granted like, are there flowers, do we wear all black etc.

If anyone has any advice we would be really grateful,

Thanks in advance,
-@vanillavodkaandjunk

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It's not that popular cremation. Just depends. They don't embalm bodies here so funerals take place fast - won't matter if a cremation.  All the ones I've been to here have been burials. I think they usually put the ashes in an urn and inter it in the cemetery space in a large wall with little spaces for each person.  There may be a priest doing their thing. It just depends on the arrangements.

Flowers are common - florists are usually close by the graveyard but they need some notice to make up a wreath.

There is usually a do (wake) of some kind afterwards very similar to the UK versions, either at the departed's house or a relative. Alcoholic drinks and nibbles/sandwiches. 

There does not have to be a service. My wife's cousin dumped his cremated wife in the Danube without ceremony and without informing anyone. It was his way of dealing with it.

You don't have to wear black but a black arm band or black tie is fine. People don't turn up in ripped jeans and T-shirts but nice casual jeans and a jacket with black armband would be OK. People don't have money for fancy clothes.

I presume someone will be able to speak English to enough of a degree to help out. It should be fine.

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help please?

My (English) grandfather who lived in Hungary for years married to a Hungarian lady, died on Monday. She died about 15 years ago.

My mum was with him when he died in hospital and his body was taken away for cremation.

There will be a service in a few weeks time that we will all be travelling over to but I am just looking for guidance on funeral etiquette I guess in Hungary, if someone can help? His wife's family will all be there and are all Hungarian so kind of know the ropes already.

It's the simple stuff that is taken for granted like, are there flowers, do we wear all black etc.

If anyone has any advice we would be really grateful,

Thanks in advance,
-@vanillavodkaandjunk

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It's not that popular cremation. Just depends. They don't embalm bodies here so funerals take place fast - won't matter if a cremation. All the ones I've been to here have been burials. I think they usually put the ashes in an urn and inter it in the cemetery space in a large wall with little spaces for each person. There may be a priest doing their thing. It just depends on the arrangements.

Flowers are common - florists are usually close by the graveyard but they need some notice to make up a wreath.

There is usually a do (wake) of some kind afterwards very similar to the UK versions, either at the departed's house or a relative. Alcoholic drinks and nibbles/sandwiches.

There does not have to be a service. My wife's cousin dumped his cremated wife in the Danube without ceremony and without informing anyone. It was his way of dealing with it.

You don't have to wear black but a black arm band or black tie is fine. People don't turn up in ripped jeans and T-shirts but nice casual jeans and a jacket with black armband would be OK. People don't have money for fancy clothes.

I presume someone will be able to speak English to enough of a degree to help out. It should be fine.
-@fluffy2560

This is a 2 year old post and you have already commented on it.

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help please?

My (English) grandfather who lived in Hungary for years married to a Hungarian lady, died on Monday. She died about 15 years ago.

My mum was with him when he died in hospital and his body was taken away for cremation.

There will be a service in a few weeks time that we will all be travelling over to but I am just looking for guidance on funeral etiquette I guess in Hungary, if someone can help? His wife's family will all be there and are all Hungarian so kind of know the ropes already.

It's the simple stuff that is taken for granted like, are there flowers, do we wear all black etc.

If anyone has any advice we would be really grateful,

Thanks in advance,
-@vanillavodkaandjunk

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It's not that popular cremation. Just depends. They don't embalm bodies here so funerals take place fast - won't matter if a cremation. All the ones I've been to here have been burials. I think they usually put the ashes in an urn and inter it in the cemetery space in a large wall with little spaces for each person. There may be a priest doing their thing. It just depends on the arrangements.

Flowers are common - florists are usually close by the graveyard but they need some notice to make up a wreath.

There is usually a do (wake) of some kind afterwards very similar to the UK versions, either at the departed's house or a relative. Alcoholic drinks and nibbles/sandwiches.

There does not have to be a service. My wife's cousin dumped his cremated wife in the Danube without ceremony and without informing anyone. It was his way of dealing with it.

You don't have to wear black but a black arm band or black tie is fine. People don't turn up in ripped jeans and T-shirts but nice casual jeans and a jacket with black armband would be OK. People don't have money for fancy clothes.

I presume someone will be able to speak English to enough of a degree to help out. It should be fine.
-@fluffy2560

This is a 2 year old post and you have already commented on it.
-@SimCityAT

Why did it come up as a new post?

I cannot remember what happened last week, never mind 2 years ago.

Hello everyone,

Maybe a spammer posted on several threads (like this one). And as we deleted the posts/account, the notifications were already sent.

Sorry about that.

Regards

Bhavna

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help please?

My (English) grandfather who lived in Hungary for years married to a Hungarian lady, died on Monday. She died about 15 years ago.

My mum was with him when he died in hospital and his body was taken away for cremation.

There will be a service in a few weeks time that we will all be travelling over to but I am just looking for guidance on funeral etiquette I guess in Hungary, if someone can help? His wife's family will all be there and are all Hungarian so kind of know the ropes already.

It's the simple stuff that is taken for granted like, are there flowers, do we wear all black etc.

If anyone has any advice we would be really grateful,

Thanks in advance,
-@vanillavodkaandjunk

Sorry to hear about your loss.

It's not that popular cremation. Just depends. They don't embalm bodies here so funerals take place fast - won't matter if a cremation. All the ones I've been to here have been burials. I think they usually put the ashes in an urn and inter it in the cemetery space in a large wall with little spaces for each person. There may be a priest doing their thing. It just depends on the arrangements.

Flowers are common - florists are usually close by the graveyard but they need some notice to make up a wreath.

There is usually a do (wake) of some kind afterwards very similar to the UK versions, either at the departed's house or a relative. Alcoholic drinks and nibbles/sandwiches.

There does not have to be a service. My wife's cousin dumped his cremated wife in the Danube without ceremony and without informing anyone. It was his way of dealing with it.

You don't have to wear black but a black arm band or black tie is fine. People don't turn up in ripped jeans and T-shirts but nice casual jeans and a jacket with black armband would be OK. People don't have money for fancy clothes.

I presume someone will be able to speak English to enough of a degree to help out. It should be fine.
-@fluffy2560

This is a 2 year old post and you have already commented on it.
-@SimCityAT

Why did it come up as a new post?

I cannot remember what happened last week, never mind 2 years ago.
-@fluffy2560

Someone made a new post, but the mods deleted that's why you got notified.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing. It's never easy. In Hungary, funeral customs can vary, but generally, people wear black or dark clothing to show respect. Flowers are a common gesture, and it's always appreciated.
   

    -@FarerXp

It's a really old post. I got caught out replying to it too.

My condolences for your loss.  My mother died in July and I also had her cremated with 1/2 of her remains being buried at their family plot and 1/2 of her remains returning to the U.S. to be buried with my dad.  I had a great (learning) experience as to what are the local customs etc.  Our local flower shop is also licensed to do the funeral arrangements with the crematory, transportation, getting the grave site ready for burial, etc.  I found this to be very helpful as they provided guidance as to the type of urns, flowers, but also asked specifics about the burial site itself.  In Hungary, a 1993 law came into being that gravesites are, for a better description "leased."  In other words, families pay a fee to the town hall that allows their loved one to stay in the same plot for up to 25 years but it can be lengthened as to what one can afford.  You should have seen my face upon hearing this...  Please have a discussion with your family as to what you would all like to happen for posterity's sake.   Long story short, my mom was successfully buried at her families' plot with an orator reading what I had written in a template provided by him.  He too was contracted through our local flower and did an awesome job.  I obtained a Letter of Authorization from the U.S. Consulate General in Budapest; you too may need this for any probate matters in England (if he left property, bank accounts, etc).  The other 1/2 of mom's remains are already in the U.S., which I transported in an urn with a letter that she could travel.  I loved my mom to the moon but if she knew that this would be so complicated, she would have asked me to bury her in the backyard, honestly.