Who keeps wedding gifts in Vietnamese culture

The one wedding I have been to did not involve any gifts. You just put "lucky money" in the big box for the new couple. 

My wife is Vietnamese and when I asked her about buying a gift this is what she told me. When I walked into the wedding, sure enough, there was the box for the lucky money.

I'm not sure where you heard about gifts. Anyway, I hope this helps.

karamba1 wrote:

My fiancee and I are planning to get married this year. I understand that being the groom, I am expected to pay for the wedding ceremony. However I recently learned that my fiancee's mother plans to keep our wedding gifts. I thought traditionally the couple keeps the gifts (especially if they are paying for the wedding themselves).. I was wondering if this is normal? Can someone share their experiences?

Hmm i wonder if someone wants your gifts... would be interesting to see what others say here..

Your fiancée's mother is wrong.

It doesn't matter who pays for the ceremony, the bride and groom keep all gifts, financial and otherwise. In fact, if the reception is at a restaurant, the newly wedded couple is expected to go from table to table to greet their guests and to accept the envelopes given to them by the table's representative. (In the hundreds -- not an exaggeration -- of weddings I've been to, the couple accepted the envelopes, thanked the guests, then put the envelopes in a prettily decorated basket or pouch held by a trusted person in their entourage.)

BTW, the groom doesn't pay for everything. The very first part of a Vietnamese traditional wedding is the receiving ceremony and small reception at the bride's house. All expenses incurred by that ceremony and reception are paid for by the bride's parents. Even if the bride's family is poor, it's very bad form to expect the groom to pay for that part of the wedding.

Ciambella wrote:

BTW, the groom doesn't pay for everything. The very first part of a Vietnamese traditional wedding is the receiving ceremony and small reception at the bride's house. All expenses incurred by that ceremony and reception are paid for by the bride's parents. Even if the bride's family is poor, it's very bad form to expect the groom to pay for that part of the wedding.

Thanks for your reply. I don't think they expect me to cover the reception at their house.. However I understand that I am expected to present a gift basket and some jewellery (which will be given to my fiancee). Somebody on another forum also mentioned that sometimes the groom also gives the brides family an envelope with money, though I have never heard of this before..

The truth is, sometimes it is tradition and sometimes it's what they want. I seen many a foreigner be told all kinds of things were "tradition" that wasn't. Also, the family might think it's "traditional" to do something different because you're a non-traditional marriage. From my experience, it's not uncommon for a expat groom to give gold to the future in laws. I've also seen the fiancee's in laws take the "lucky money" after the ceremony of weddings involving expats and nationals. But in the case of the non-expat, the family of the groom are usually much wealthier than the brides family.

IMO, having to ask strangers these types of questions isn't a good sign. Not knowing the language or the culture puts you at a real disadvantage. Best you have an honest and open conversation with your fiancee about what is expected of you, before and after the marriage, so there are no surprises. Again, just my opinion.

The procedure for a traditional wedding goes like this:

- On the morning of the wedding, at a pre-arranged time (consulted by calendar and the couple's dates and times of birth), the groom brings to the bride's house an assortment of pre-agreed food gifts. These are not gifts to the bride's parents, but the food that will be passed on to their important friends and relatives as wedding announcement.

Inside each red cellophane wrapped gift is a tin of tea, a box of sweets, some fruits and a bottle of wine. The bride's parents determine the number of portions they need and the groom fulfills that request. (You don't need to buy the items and wrap them yourself, there are special shops for that service.)

All of those gifts are presented to the bride's parents on a tray (or several trays) lined with red cloth, not in a basket.

The bride's parents also ask for a roast baby pig, the most important item on the tray. The baby pig ̣ would be roasted in whole and presented with a carnation in its mouth. The red sweet rice (xôi gấc) is the second most important item and can be provided by both sides or just by the groom alone.

2- The groom's family elder asks the bride's family elder for the mutual blessing of the union. This is not just the union of the couple, but also the joining of two families. The bride's family will then accept the groom as one of their members. After that, the couple will be asked to present themselves to her ancestors at the family altar.

3- If there isn't a church ceremony, then this is the time when the groom puts the ring on the bride's finger. In addition, he (or his parents) will give her some jewelries (a necklace or bracelet) that he would put on her body in front of her family -- that's his wedding gift to her. In turn, her parents will give her some jewelries that they also put on her body -- that's their goodbye gift to her. The jewelries are to be worn at the time they're given.

4- After the reception, she will say goodbye to her parents and leave her home to begin her new life with her husband. Her parents will not accompany her to her husband's house because she's no longer their child to protect, although most of the time, a sister or friend would be her companion for an hour or so, to help her to settle in so to speak.

5- Restaurant reception doesn't start until the evening.

I just got married in Vietnam on the 7th of April.  Bride and groom keep all gifts.  My bride was VERY POOR, so I volunteered to pay for everything.  However, I recouped almost all expenditures thru the gift box.  I spent 150,000,000 on wedding, recouped 143,000,000 after opening money envelopes.

Sounds just like Shanghai...

Bride and groom should keep all red envelopes,  gifts etc.

But when u r the foreign mark,  the scheming mama-san and pimp daddy just steal all the money. 

So before u even start ur honeymoon,  u realise uve not just married a goldigging Ho,  Uve married a whole family of goldigging  rodents who will sponge every penny uve  got for the rest of your miserable life.

That's very harsh and imprudent calling some woman whom you've never met "a gold digging ho" and her family whom you don't know from Adam and Eve "gold-digging rodents".

I don't know what kind of experience you've encountered that gave you such bitter view of the world, but you should have used the least bit common sense the good Lord dispensed at your birth to realise that not every poor person is out to get you.

Yes,  u r right in many senses,  but my spider sense,  having seen this shituation many times before says with almost certainty.   This guy should run now.  I'm trying to help.

Also,  I did try to kinda hide the direct insults in my analogy,  I f u Care to Re-read. 

I'm also not stupid enough to think everyone out to scam us is poor and needy and deserving.

RJL1 wrote:

I just got married in Vietnam on the 7th of April.  Bride and groom keep all gifts.  My bride was VERY POOR, so I volunteered to pay for everything.  However, I recouped almost all expenditures thru the gift box.  I spent 150,000,000 on wedding, recouped 143,000,000 after opening money envelopes.

You must have had a lot of guests or an expensive wedding centre at that cost.

Yes correct

karamba1 wrote:

Ciambella wrote:

BTW, the groom doesn't pay for everything. The very first part of a Vietnamese traditional wedding is the receiving ceremony and small reception at the bride's house. All expenses incurred by that ceremony and reception are paid for by the bride's parents. Even if the bride's family is poor, it's very bad form to expect the groom to pay for that part of the wedding.

Thanks for your reply. I don't think they expect me to cover the reception at their house.. However I understand that I am expected to present a gift basket and some jewelry (which will be given to my fiancee). Somebody on another forum also mentioned that sometimes the groom also gives the brides family an envelope with money, though I have never heard of this before..

In 1971 I paid a bride price of 2 cows for my wife in the rural Mekong Delta, bought my wife to be a pair of earrings and put those earrings on her ears. By Vietnamese custom that was a marriage.  In 1973, after completing the Vietnamese paperwork for a legal marriage, I completed the paperwork at the US Embassy to make her my legal wife under American Law. Note, we are still married. Also note, for a number of reasons, we never had a formal wedding party. But our kids did give us a nice 25th Anniversary party.

I've attended a few weddings here in Viet Nam. And what the other posters have said is true for most weddings. Note that in the weddings that I have attended, part of the ceremony is paying a symbolic bride price and putting the earrings, that you bought for her, on your bride's ears.

It is important to note, that the marriage ceremony is a customary marriage and not a legal marriage. You still need to do the paperwork to make it legal

My wife was going to give all the lucky money from the wedding to her parents. When I ask why she said her parents will have to repay the people that gave the lucky money when her parents get invited to their or their kid's wedding/birthday/death ceremony.
I insisted we keep the money since we are giving her parents monthly allowances so we kept it.

Over the years I now understood how this gift money system work. It's not free money more like a loan. Vietnamese write down in a book the names and how much they gave. In the future when you or your in-law parents in most cases for foreigners attend a ceremony they will check the book how much that person gave and will give back that same amount.

karamba1 wrote:

Ciambella wrote:

BTW, the groom doesn't pay for everything. The very first part of a Vietnamese traditional wedding is the receiving ceremony and small reception at the bride's house. All expenses incurred by that ceremony and reception are paid for by the bride's parents. Even if the bride's family is poor, it's very bad form to expect the groom to pay for that part of the wedding.

Thanks for your reply. I don't think they expect me to cover the reception at their house.. However I understand that I am expected to present a gift basket and some jewellery (which will be given to my fiancee). Somebody on another forum also mentioned that sometimes the groom also gives the brides family an envelope with money, though I have never heard of this before..

As part of the tradition in asking for the daughter's hand in marriage at the bride's house I gave an envelope with money to the father. The father thanked me for the envelope but said my wife and I could use the money to start our new life. So I kept the envelope of money.

khanh44 wrote:

My wife was going to give all the lucky money from the wedding to her parents. When I ask why she said her parents will have to repay the people that gave the lucky money when her parents get invited to their or their kid's wedding/birthday/death ceremony.
I insisted we keep the money since we are giving her parents monthly allowances so we kept it.

Over the years I now understood how this gift money system work. It's not free money more like a loan. Vietnamese write down in a book the names and how much they gave. In the future when you or your in-law parents in most cases for foreigners attend a ceremony they will check the book how much that person gave and will give back that same amount.

Important point that I forgot about. The Vietnamese will keep good records of what amount people give and what they themselves have given. They see it as a bank account for then their children get married. The problem is, after you're married, it's impossible to recoup the money that you have given or will give. That's just the way it goes.

On a side note. Years ago (over 10) I remember getting invited to all kinds of weddings from people I hardly knew. I remember feeling kind of honored, at the time. After a few months I asked my friend about it. He informed me I was being invited because word spread that I give good "lucky money". Kind of funny now looking back on it. I still had fun though.

Yes, wedding money are always reciprocate gifts, same as Tết's lucky money. The amount in the red envelopes your children received from a guest to your house would be the same as the content of the red envelopes you hand out to his children when you visit his house.

I always give the most lucky money at Tet and any events. Sometimes I'm the only one to chip in at an informal family gathering. I don't expect them to reciprocate. I'm just lucky to be brought up in a Western country where we make 10 times more money.

khanh44 wrote:

My wife was going to give all the lucky money from the wedding to her parents. When I ask why she said her parents will have to repay the people that gave the lucky money when her parents get invited to their or their kid's wedding/birthday/death ceremony.
I insisted we keep the money since we are giving her parents monthly allowances so we kept it.

Over the years I now understood how this gift money system work. It's not free money more like a loan. Vietnamese write down in a book the names and how much they gave. In the future when you or your in-law parents in most cases for foreigners attend a ceremony they will check the book how much that person gave and will give back that same amount.

Well, I don't think it's fair for you to give money to her parents, just because they will get invited to other people's weddings... after all, you and your wife will be getting invited to weddings too.

Ciambella wrote:

Yes, wedding money are always reciprocate gifts, same as Tết's lucky money. The amount in the red envelopes your children received from a guest to your house would be the same as the content of the red envelopes you hand out to his children when you visit his house.

I understand it's a different culture and everything, but I have to say I don't like the whole concept of keeping track of who-gave-what. If everything gets repaid with such precision, might as well not give any gifts at all.. what's the point of a "gift" that must be paid back? Personally, when I give a gift to someone I don't expect anything in return.

RJL1 wrote:

I just got married in Vietnam on the 7th of April.  Bride and groom keep all gifts.  My bride was VERY POOR, so I volunteered to pay for everything.  However, I recouped almost all expenditures thru the gift box.  I spent 150,000,000 on wedding, recouped 143,000,000 after opening money envelopes.

Congrats on your wedding! And thanks for the info. 150mil is a bit more than what I thought it would cost, but sounds like you did well recouping the cost.

Thanks again everyone for your replies!

So before u even start ur honeymoon,  u realise uve not just married a goldigging Ho,  Uve married a whole family of goldigging  rodents who will sponge every penny uve  got for the rest of your miserable life.

Not everyone is the same! Its unfair for you to make such a comment like this on one case

I just got married in Vietnam on the 7th of April.  Bride and groom keep all gifts.  My bride was VERY POOR, so I volunteered to pay for everything.  However, I recouped almost all expenditures thru the gift box.  I spent 150,000,000 on wedding, recouped 143,000,000 after opening money envelopes.

Congratulations 

Your guests must have been very generous.. 

It is important to note, that the marriage ceremony is a customary marriage and not a legal marriage. You still need to do the paperwork to make it legal

Yes this is correct 

Over the years I now understood how this gift money system work. It's not free money more like a loan. Vietnamese write down in a book the names and how much they gave. In the future when you or your in-law parents in most cases for foreigners attend a ceremony they will check the book how much that person gave and will give back that same amount.

This looks like it defeats the object of giving a gift then ? I would have thought if you give a gift, the person receiving  it should appreciate your gift towards them and not keep tab.
Its the value of their thought and offering towards you, that should be more important?
Thats the way i would look at it -  but i guess its different in each place.

@khanh44

Hello

Can I ask how much money I should give to parents in envelope??

@khanh44

Hello

Can I ask hiw much money I should put to the envelope for parents? Best regards

Hello Raventhrone,

Please note that you are participating on an old thread and that khanh44 hasn't been active for years now.

May I suggest that you open a new thread on the Vietnam forum so that members may guide you.

All the best

Bhavna

@raventhrone81 give parents money for what? you need to explain more about your question.

@khanh44
Hello
Can I ask hiw much money I should put to the envelope for parents? Best regards
-@raventhrone81

You give the envelope to the father at a certain point in the ceremony.

Before the wedding you should have agreed to a figure that would pay for the wedding.

Unless there was some agreement to pay something else, that's all you need to give him.

Our small wedding for about 40 people was budgeted in advance at ₫30 million VNĐ so that's what I put in the envelope.

Everyone was satisfied with that.