Hi.
This is my first post on expat and I'm here because I feel like I'm screwing up sometimes with my girlfriend and generally want to hear from others with experience dating across cultures.
I've only been living in Saigon two months and I'm just barely starting to learn the language, have started reading a book about Vietnamese culture but I haven't found any good resources for understanding the culture from a relationship perspective. I would like to please hear from Vietnamese women married to or in a long-term relationship with a Western man or Western men married to or in a long-term relationship with Vietnamese women.
To be a bit more specific, here are the things I worry about, especially these last couple of weeks:
(1) I recently asked if she was ok and she got upset. She said it was as though I was saying she was ill or there was something wrong with her and that people don't do this in Vietnamese culture (an accusation rather than the intention of simply asking if she wanted to talk about something.) Please explain.
Then, she said she was worried I would leave her. She cited a statement I recently made wherein I said I didn't feel settled in Saigon *yet* and was really looking forward to a couple months from now when I will truly feel settled (motorbike, routine, lots of tutoring clients in addition to my part-time job -- settled). She forgot the "yet" part and said she took this to mean I might just suddenly leave her and move to Thailand. So... does this have to do with culture or is it really just about her reasonably worrying that I will bail like a backpacker?
I have no intention of leaving her or Saigon (and no interest in moving to Thailand, no offense.) She's the most wonderful woman I've ever had the privilege of being in a relationship with -- and I've had a lot of relationships, good and bad -- and I want to do everything to avoid these weird fights that come out of nothing, misunderstanding. How can I get over this learning hump quickly? Or will this all just take time?
(2) She got upset with me about 4 days prior to the above incident because I started to try talking to her about the stress I was feeling, just looking for a bit of empathy as we all do from time to time. She had apparently had a long day at work -- she is a career woman at a big corporate intl. company -- and she didn't want to hear it. She said it was better to keep our worries to ourselves so we don't worry others. I didn't take it so well. She apologized the next day, but I was left wondering if this is a cultural difference or a cause for concern.
She's done a lot for me and when I was sick a while back she came with a care package. She flew to Bangkok just after we met to spend the weekend with me before I had to go back to finish a contract elsewhere, before I moved to Saigon. She's going with me on a trip to convert my visa to a work permit through my employer. She's brought me food her family has cooked for me. She's taken me all over to doctors to resolve headaches. She often reminds me to eat lunch. She's the most caring woman in the world and I'm falling for her and it's really scary cause it's been a while and the last relationship was not so good. I could use some advice on how to avoid these arguments/fights and learn what I need to know to understand her culture. She doesn't know my culture and I don't know hers so we can only teach each other very slowly as it happens, after the argument/misunderstanding. Help? Or does it have to go this way and do I just need to be patient?