Device privacy, trust, intrusion and the jealousy of vietnamese girls

I was just off the phone with my fiance. I immediately let her know some girl wrote some messages on my facebook page and not to get jealous because she's just someone I offered room tenancy to.

I think open communication is the key. If you made a commitment for life to that person you shouldn't be afraid to hide anything from each other.

Well, I think this lady is worth the effort.
I guess I'm prepared to 'backstep'... A great lady, with great kids!!! What more could I wish for???
And, yes, there will be a dominate culture, come forward(Hope it's mine).. But, more than likely, a 6-7year divorced lady, bringing up 2 daughters in VN, who makes money selling bottled petrol roadside... Is going to be a very strong lady, of high standards. She has raised 2 young girls, single handed, both girls have been well educated, and are very polite(So they, don't have to sell petrol!!)...

We just have to get over, the 'long hair on the floor' problem.
This week, it's fine!! But it may be windy next week...

Watch this space.....

Love, trust, loyalty....
What ridiculous words, right?
Yeah, sometimes we should give them the right(which is not conferred by law)to 'check' devices if they are living with us. So that they can trust you. Sure when they feel more safe, they will quit this 'process' automatically.
If you do not have anything to hide, then why get irritated?
Better you should keep one at a time, if so no worry Otherwise always problems, or you can tell the truth that you have a substitute! Are you scared of they break up with you?
If so just allow them to do that 'routine check up'!

I think Vietnamese women are always eager to learn and be taught by someone they can put their trust into.

Explain to her the cultural differences between yours and hers. Make her feel like she's the only person important to you.

They can feel insecure because she can't leave the country but you can. Trusts takes a while and considering she's divorced it's even harder for her to trust anybody again.

Just be patient with her and in time you won't regret the loyalty Vietnamese women have for their significant other.

My VN girlfriend of 8 months will stand out of sight in our apartment when my male friends come over. A couple of times I have got up suddenly to get something and there she was standing by the door way!

I am never guilty of anything so it doesn't really bother me and I love her anyway hoping that she satisfies her curiosity.

Sploke77 wrote:

When two persons carrying different cultural backgrounds come together, eventually one culture will 'dominate'. Sure, some will say you must find a compromise and strive for harmony. But believe you me, that is really easier said than done. Many quarrels will have that issue as its origin. Any comments from anyone welcomed. Cheers

I totally agree with finding a compromise and striving for harmony. A relationship or marriage should be like a coin. Someone has to be the head and someone has to be the tail. I took the head and so we will live happily ever after.

I have been with my partner/wife 16 years, she's followed me to Africa, SE Asia, Micronesia, China and has never even picked up my phone, never mind go thru it..........but she is a country girl and respects 'personal space'  I show her the same respect.   You shouldn't tolerate anyone going thru your things......get an iPhone 5S

I wouldn't stand for it........I'm not a bully but you don't do that to her do you??  Wel, maybe you should once or twice to show her how it makes you feel,,,,,,,,,,I think you are bothered by it but to keep the peace you don't mention it.......I would.

This behavior is common. 

Friend's GF deleted all female FB friends from his list.  It gets ridiculous.

And, no, commitment and loyalty don't excuse it one bit.

I do computer security, crypto, DRM.  I have cryptographer's psychosis, this would be a deal-breaker for me.

Some people take privacy very seriously. Others believe that if you are in a relationship, there
Is no longer an entitlement to privacy. As with all things, you need to decide what is important in life.

Two people in a relationship are still two individuals, not a fusion into one.  And all individuals, however closely bonded, have private lives.

WOW! I be ok in VN, my British GF is like this all the time, lads, your not alone!..lol

It's time to get a new lady.  I don't think she'll ever change.  You don't want to go on like this forever.

I think because it's diffirent cultural , vnese girl put family in first herself and her work , they will do everything to keep their family safe , happy even they will forgive if they found out their husband was cheated on them. Some of them will love you so much that make their brain over thinking , become jealous , a spy and do Sth really stupid ( like you guys say checking the phone , fb , email account.... ) so just talk to them , make they understand and sometime just show them your phone , your SMS...earn their trust and maybe you will see how beautiful they are.
I say it not because I'm a vnese girl , because I had seen from my friend's relationship and my roommate when I stayed in China , sometime it made me scare that why they are take too much pain to themself , cry every night , become crazy for a guy and next morning become happy like nothing happen last night because that guy give them a call or SMS . I don't want to get in relationship with too much pain like that.
For me , if you respect me , be honest and please don't cheat then I'll be fine. I had been relationship 4 years with a foreigner , we always give our own space , life and friends . I let him go out with his friends , going to club , do his jobs...and he also do same thing with me as long as we honest to each other and don't cheat. We always share everything together and talk to each other if have Sth not right .
But I also can't put my situation to other people's situation , we need to figure out our own way , try the best and if even we try but not work then just let it go , maybe we are not fit to each other .
So I hope you can find the right vnese gf for you not all of us are same , you just didn't find the right person yet.
Sorry but my English not good

Im a Vietnam girl but i like the style life of the West. Just care about the present, not about the past, and when i love a man i want to be his baby not his mom, i think everyone ( all male n female on the world) will be very tired if they have a bf/gf like that, its fact. Just ignore when she/he angrys with silly reasons.

trang_shahir wrote:

I think because it's different cultural , vnese girl put family in first herself and her work , they will do everything to keep their family safe , happy even they will forgive if they found out their husband was cheated on them. Some of them will love you so much that make their brain over thinking , become jealous , a spy and do Sth really stupid ( like you guys say checking the phone , fb , email account.... ) so just talk to them , make they understand and sometime just show them your phone , your SMS...earn their trust and maybe you will see how beautiful they are.
I say it not because I'm a vnese girl , because I had seen from my friend's relationship and my roommate when I stayed in China , sometime it made me scare that why they are take too much pain to themselves , cry every night , become crazy for a guy and next morning become happy like nothing happen last night because that guy give them a call or SMS . I don't want to get in relationship with too much pain like that.
For me , if you respect me , be honest and please don't cheat then I'll be fine. I had been relationship 4 years with a foreigner , we always give our own space , life and friends . I let him go out with his friends , going to club , do his jobs...and he also do same thing with me as long as we honest to each other and don't cheat. We always share everything together and talk to each other if have Sth not right .
But I also can't put my situation to other people's situation , we need to figure out our own way , try the best and if even we try but not work then just let it go , maybe we are not fit to each other .
So I hope you can find the right vnese gf for you not all of us are same , you just didn't find the right person yet.
Sorry but my English not good

trang _shahir,

your English is just fine and easy to understand. 

"it's different culture. "  So what ?

It's how much two people love, trust and understand each other more than anything else - ACCEPTANCE.
(I'm still trying to learn more about the VN culture daily)

Love and trust ?  Very personal matters, everyone is different and prepared to go to different lengths with that.

I love and trust my lovely VN wife completely.
She has all the access and passwords to everything -  my internet and mobile phone.
She also holds my bank and credit cards as well, I'm quite happy with that.

Easiest and safest way of all is simply hide nothing from each other, be completely open about everything. 

Works just fine for the both of us.

Flip465

mark stutley wrote:

a little tale for you friend, one day a turtle was by the lake, a scorpion approached and asked, can you give me a lift ? the turtle replied, dont be silly! when we are on the water you will sting me and we will both die, thats crazy said the scorpion, I promise I wont do it ! ok said the turtle and off they went, shortly the turtle felt a sharp sting in his neck, what did you do that for, the scorpion replied " I couldnt help my self! be careful man best wishes! it may be that foriegners have a deserved reputation also

Wow, you butchered that story.  Here's how it goes:

The Scorpion and the Frog

  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

        Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

    The lives of most Vietnamese women are very small.  That leads to gossip, jealousies and possessiveness.....and seldom will they be wrong.  You are wrong because you don't understand Vietnam.  They want all the advantages of being with a foreigner but resist acclimating to any behavior changes. 
They like to use physical force against other women when wronged, are quite vindictive and pick and choose friends based upon the latest perceived wrong.  If you find a woman who is genuinely selfless, you have likely found a country girl. 
I have been with my partner for years and still have frequent stomach aches in dealing with these issues as well as the interference of family members.  At this point I am near deciding to end the relationship.....just way too much work.  Companionship is available everywhere , so if that's all you seek, no problem.  But if you want a real relationship, you are more likely to find that in your own culture.

Yes.   The corrected story is the accurate one.

Of course it will go fine unless you have something to hide 
People who don't like "checking" surely need to hide something.

Flip465 wrote:

I love and trust my lovely VN wife completely.
She has all the access and passwords to everything -  my internet and mobile phone.
She also holds my bank and credit cards as well, I'm quite happy with that.

Easiest and safest way of all is simply hide nothing from each other, be completely open about everything. 

Works just fine for the both of us. Flip465

How can you say that you know well the style of western women? Another poster already quoted his western wife. This kind of "checking" not only with Asians but all over the world. Also there is no discrimination but both male and female carry this. Past is not important here. We should be in present life. People who checking only care about present. Nobody check all of a sudden by precedence. When they doubt something it began. You also drop into that category when you doubt something about your BF, if you have or when you have one. 

roseeden wrote:

Im a Vietnam girl but i like the style life of the West. Just care about the present, not about the past, and when i love a man i want to be his baby not his mom, i think everyone ( all male n female on the world) will be very tired if they have a bf/gf like that, its fact. Just ignore when she/he angrys with silly reasons.

charmavietnam wrote:

How can you say that you know well the style of western women? Another poster already quoted his western wife. This kind of "checking" not only with Asians but all over the world. Also there is no discrimination but both male and female carry this. Past is not important here. We should be in present life. People who checking only care about present. Nobody check all of a sudden by precedence. When they doubt something it began. You also drop into that category when you doubt something about your BF, if you have or when you have one. 

roseeden wrote:

Im a Vietnam girl but i like the style life of the West. Just care about the present, not about the past, and when i love a man i want to be his baby not his mom, i think everyone ( all male n female on the world) will be very tired if they have a bf/gf like that, its fact. Just ignore when she/he angrys with silly reasons.

I have many West friends, for sure that their style are different from Vietnamese. . You can see that on Western films also. Yes, this kind of checking not only with Asian, but i was talking of plurality (Ex: The Japanese are brave, Vietnamese are lenient, American are active...., But in every country, still have many brave, lenient, active people).
I never do that much checking even with my hubby when i doubt something. That might broke our relationship. I have another way to find out what i doubt, but still he wont feel uncomfortable by that way .

This happens with Vietnamese women because use to, when a V-man had money, it would be spent on girlfriends. Girls here grew up seeing their moms red with rage as their father had other girlfriends and sometimes other kids with other women. My own mother-in-law plays the suspicious wife to my husband because of this. She can't understand why I'd trust him on things without snooping. Every time he buys something nice she asks "Is that to impress your ggirlfriend?" he replies "No, it's to impress my wife!"

It doesn't mean you know everything about westerners even if you have some friends or acquaintances 
For the sake of conversation many people exaggerate. When it comes in real life, especially in their own life they never keep that words.
Anyway you agreed already that you too "check" your boyfriend/ husband in another way. Even though ways are different, the ultimate goal is same    It's not our fault but natural as a human being.

roseeden wrote:

I have many West friends, for sure that their style are different from Vietnamese. . You can see that on Western films also. Yes, this kind of checking not only with Asian, but i was talking of plurality (Ex: The Japanese are brave, Vietnamese are lenient, American are active...., But in every country, still have many brave, lenient, active people).
I never do that much checking even with my hubby when i doubt something. That might broke our relationship. I have another way to find out what i doubt, but still he wont feel uncomfortable by that way .

charmavietnam wrote:

It doesn't mean you know everything about westerners even if you have some friends or acquaintances 
For the sake of conversation many people exaggerate. When it comes in real life, especially in their own life they never keep that words.
Anyway you agreed already that you too "check" your boyfriend/ husband in another way. Even though ways are different, the ultimate goal is same    It's not our fault but natural as a human being.

roseeden wrote:

I have many West friends, for sure that their style are different from Vietnamese. . You can see that on Western films also. Yes, this kind of checking not only with Asian, but i was talking of plurality (Ex: The Japanese are brave, Vietnamese are lenient, American are active...., But in every country, still have many brave, lenient, active people).
I never do that much checking even with my hubby when i doubt something. That might broke our relationship. I have another way to find out what i doubt, but still he wont feel uncomfortable by that way .

1/ I did not say that i know everything about Westerners.
2/ The way you check and my way are the difference between us. The ultimate goal is same but  there are many ways to get the goal, its like two girls want to catch a bird, a girl uses a trap to catch it, but another one makes a nice nest to make that bird enjoy .
3/ Life is so short, do not waste your time by making your beloved upset coz of your silly jealousy. Let enjoy your love, close eyes, open your heart and feeling.... Life is so lovely and love is so beautiful....!!!!! 

Did I ever said am checking? 
Of course your way may be different.
May be you are willing to close your eyes but I don't think majority of girls can do the same.
Of course love is beautiful when trust and love one person. What if it goes into a "shared policy"? Then of course the other partner can't be happy.
I don't think you have some experience in this subject. We can talk philosophy but to commit it in life.... totally different.

roseeden wrote:

The way you check and my way are the difference between us.
Life is so short, do not waste your time by making your beloved upset coz of your silly jealousy. Let enjoy your love, close eyes, open your heart and feeling.... Life is so lovely and love is so beautiful....!!!!! 

Haha!!
That's so funny. I was wondering why my girlfriend didn't understand the concept of waiting in line. We went to a restaurant in Singapore where there was very clearly a line to order. She went straight to the front and cut everybody off. Hilarious

"My business is technology and data security:"  ...and a Vietnamese woman. YOUTH is experimenting in mixing fire and water

wish you best of luck

I did hide my house key below the door mat and the PINs printed on the backside of my CC Cards. For those still having problems, a 24x7 hotline is ready to answer all remainin questions

You better post all deatils in a local newspaper, because it's the only place, Vietnamese don't look


Screens are only black and white and you mount or ssh as needed

You control only two variables, you attitude and your behavior, nothing else. So you cannot control how your VN woman chooses to think and behave. Also, no one can change another person if they are not ready to change themselves. People don't change that much.

Jealousy is a negative emotion and it affects everyone badly and their relationship. In my experience dating VN women, Jealousy is a key negative factor. They are extremely jealous. It hurts!

For example, first girl and I went to find a restaurant. We were welcome by the women serving there. When we bided goodbye, one of the ladies shook hands with me. And my girl became terribly mad and that destroyed our evening. She said by shaking my hands, the lady understood that I had sexual interest and I was easy to get for sex. That's how VN people understand it. It's the culture, she said.

How am I supposed to know as an American who is used to shaking hands as a business etiquette? Also my cousin dated a Thai woman who was similarly jealous. They didn't make it.

Life with a jealous woman is as suforcates like living in a room without a door, window, and air.

Libhero wrote:

She said by shaking my hands, the lady understood that I had sexual interest and I was easy to get for sex. That's how VN people understand it. It's the culture, she said.

How am I supposed to know as an American who is used to shaking hands as a business etiquette? .

She was either delusional or made things up out of whole cloth.  There's absolutely no underlying message in a handshake between men and women in Vietnam.  It has never been and will never be an aspect of the culture.

Ciambella wrote:

Libhero wrote:

She said by shaking my hands, the lady understood that I had sexual interest and I was easy to get for sex. That's how VN people understand it. It's the culture, she said.

How am I supposed to know as an American who is used to shaking hands as a business etiquette? .

She was either delusional or made things up out of whole cloth.  There's absolutely no underlying message in a handshake between men and women in Vietnam.  It has never been and will never be an aspect of the culture.

Agree...don't believe everything you are told.

Well, I can opine that as long as I keep distance between me and other women, my wife is very happy. 

Sometimes you get lucky.  For example, when we were getting our photos taken for our wedding at the studio, yes in VN, there was a young lady helping us and when it was time to put on a tie, she tried to put it on me and tie it.  I told her it was ok, I can tie my own tie no problem.  Man, she gave me a look that she was disappointed and hurt.  I did not understand until we got home.  My fiance at the time looked at me and said "cam on anh yeu".  I said, "for what"?.   She said, "for not letting that girl touch you at the studio when she tried to put the tie on you."   Of course I smiled and did not tell her anything more.

You just need to understand your partner and what makes them happy.  I have fun with it, but it makes her happy and i just smile, she is just so darn cute!!!!!!!!

I am an old and grumpy single and actually like that service. Had to take new photos is well and turned up in a t-shirt. The dressed me quickly up, all from the phot shop
And the photos even did look better, than I really do

It's been several years since I posted anything here.      
BUT,  despite everything that could have gone wrong between two people from such vastly different backgrounds, it's now been going on 7 years plus since I met my VERY SWEET and VERY BEAUTIFUL Vietnamese 'BETTER HALF'.    
She's 100% proud and beautiful, old fashioned Buddhist raised Vietnamese - I'm Jewish by birth, blood and religious following.
These have been the very best years of my entire life !!!
She truly is my one and only EARTH ANGEL and to be perfectly honest, I'd be totally lost without her in my life now.  Even the M in L has given up and is now polite and friendly towards me !!! 
The biggest problem has been that because of our age difference and the fact that I'm not a VN male, sometimes that draws very rude and vulgar comments comments from other  VN women, who don't know either of us.
This usually when we are out shopping at somewhere such as the local Lotte Mart. (D7)
These days, however, since we have been shopping here for more than 7 years, and a lot of the staff know us quite well, it's theses staff members who snap back at the gossipers and shut them up.     
Even the Cong An between D7 and D1 seem to have given up trying to pull me over and getting me to provide 'donations' for their coffee / beer fund.   

SaigonSeamus wrote:

Has happened more than once, hence the wee rant!

Funnily the personal space / barging / touching doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Neither does the frankness of conversation, very personal questions etc

However this has my digital knickers in a twist, being devious to dig for invented drama is beyond me and I cannot see that changing.

Big Red Flag!

Welcome to my world.
Pretty much my experience has been yours. Plus I've never had jealous girlfriends before, or at least not until I figured out they were jealous of pretty much nothing.

Then, I met my girlfriend of almost two years and my fiancee.

I had some experience with Asian cultures so I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore,  but this jealousy was beyond whatever I was used to.  I'm living in Binh Tan, so the people I meet who speak English are few and far between, but if I mention that the girl at the coffee shop speaks some English. OMG
Then she starts to question me. "What did we talk about?" "That I wanted a Ca Phe". "What's her name?" "How would I know, I only ordered a coffee from her"

Honestly, this is her only "issue" , but I got tired of the once or twice a month battle of stupidity.

Then, I read the book, "For Two Cows, I Aint Half Bad" by Bac Eaton. It's about the early '60's until early '70's in the Mekong Delta.
Reading this book, helped me understand the Vietnamese psyche like never before.
It really brought home to me that this is a culture in which women had very little power and for tens of thousands of years if you lost that man in your family, the family probably won't survive.
Additionally, the only factor that limited a man in how many wives or families he could have was whether he could support them. Thus, women grew an instinctive distrust.

I understood not to take it personally. Her jealously was simply an instinctive thing that my logical argument could never surmount.
Nowadays, I just ignore the small things and occasionally when it gets bad, I don't engage, I just tell her she is being ridiculous.  The next day it's like it never happened.

Cultures don't change overnight. Things are different from what they were, BUT women still have no ways to enforce child support or alimony payments. Also, my GF's father left her mother and older sibling when she was one. They lived in the school house for a year or more. 
So governments change, but sometimes the changes are less than they appear.

I can't give yo any advice.  All I can say is that this is the culture we're in.

By the way, Sam and Bac, the authors of the book with link below are here in HCMC and Sam may have alrady responded to this.
Good luck Seamus.

https://www.amazon.com/Two-Cows-Aint-Ha … =bac+eaton

You as an IT security specialist should know how to prevent such incidents. Passwords, hint, hint.

WHY have you been enabling these incidents? Just stop it! Smile, carry on but keep your PIN & passwords private!

KruChris wrote:

You as an IT security specialist should know how to prevent such incidents. Passwords, hint, hint.

WHY have you been enabling these incidents? Just stop it! Smile, carry on but keep your PIN & passwords private!

It would be good if you would always say what contribution you are referring to in your posts.

So the others can spare themselves the search in the thread history. 

Andy Passenger wrote:

KruChris wrote:

You as an IT security specialist should know how to prevent such incidents. Passwords, hint, hint.

WHY have you been enabling these incidents? Just stop it! Smile, carry on but keep your PIN & passwords private!

It would be good if you would always say what contribution you are referring to in your posts.

So the others can spare themselves the search in the thread history. 

Nobody is always perfect in everyone's opinion.

But he is right.

I wouldn't stand for it........I'm not a bully but you don't do that to her do you??  Wel, maybe you should once or twice to show her how it makes you feel,,,,,,,,,,I think you are bothered by it but to keep the peace you don't mention it.......I would.

Bully or not, you will achieve little by doing the same to her.  VN women think differently, the culture is different, and she will feel different from your actions.  Tell her how you feel about her actions.  She may take it as criticism, but that's better.