Planning to visit a lady I've met online

28 years older then her, what have you in common with a 38 year old ?.

@pf flyer

Hello and welcome Patrick !

Please note that I have created this new thread on the Cambodia forum so that members can share their feedback with you.

All the best

Bhavna

@pf flyer

HI Patrick. You have told us relatively little. Not where you are going in Cambodia to meet or if you have been here before. I'd suggest if you are gonna meet in Phnom Penh to consider visiting one of the sky bars. There are also lots of nice restaurants in the city. That being said, I live with Aliin in Siem Reap. We went some months ago to visit her mom in Preah Vihear province and her mom became my mom too. We had no issues and Alin's family is huge. I would suggest expecting to meet lots of sisters and brothers as you visit. Most of her famiily speaks some english but Alin is fluent in a few languages including French. Secondly, I would consider exercising patience and a sense of humor as you visit. When I went to Preah Vihear Province, I was the only expat there for a few days but Alin and her family helped me . I don't do much drinking these days so I don't imbibe in the beer parties whatsoever. You may expect those with family. Big social gathering with food, beer, and more beer.

I won't say anything about age differences or what it means. I figure that is between you two and we don't do you any favors by trying to speak about some morality or code of conduct.  Like I said, just come with a sense of humor, be patient with the differences, and enjoy the times.

    Hello,
I'm Patrick from the US.  I'm planning on visiting shortly to meet a Cambodian woman I met online.  I'm 66, she's 38.  She's very enthusiastic to meet me after a few weeks of conversation.  I've read some of the posts  but any advice to save both of us some potential grief would be appreciated.   
   

    -@pf flyer

Hi and welcome to the forum.

These "May-December" marriages are quite common throughout Southeast Asia. Some work out well; others do not.

The main thing that you should understand is that, due to traditional values, there is not much in the way of casual dating, the expectation is usually that you will soon get married, and in most cases, you'll be marrying the whole family.

As a result, you should approach the situation very slowly and carefully. Your communications should be via video, of course. Is she able to communicate in at least basic English?

If you don't mind providing other details:

Is this your first trip to the region? Does she want to move to the US or stay in Cambodia? How comfortable are you with living in the tropics?

@toni345th

What we have in common?  At least as much as I have in common with my kids who are 30 and 25.  The people that I spend the most time with  (diving, motorcycling, etc,) are in their mid 30's to their 70's.  I'm completely open to discovering her culture and she seems to be interested in discovering mine (American).  That ought to keep us busy for a few decades, I thought?

@mpmilestogo

Hi mpmilestogo, thanks for your most encouraging and constructive words.  We intend to meet in PP this Friday, the 24th of Nov, and see how things go.  If we get along we would visit Siem Reap (I think? to visit Angkor Wat) together.  I think there's a high probability of that so if I could somehow get a chance to meet you and your partner for a drink, it would be fantastic.

BTW I am not a drinker so I'll drag out a couple of brews till the end of the party.  Just to be social.  I've heard about the "marrying the family" bit and I would consider myself forewarned about becoming the "family ATM". 

As far as the age thing, I am coming out of a six year relationship with a woman (American) 22 years younger, and the only issue we had was her substance abuse.  We clicked in just about every other way.   I suppose the language and cultural gap could be perceived either as a blessing or a curse in the sense that we could have a great time discovering and learning or simply considering it as a barrier.  I believe we both have the 'glass half full' attitude.  We'll see.

Thanks again for your opinion.

@Bhavna

Bhavna!  Thanks so much for your welcome.  I hope to learn a lot and perhaps, someday, contribute as well.  Patrick

It was a realistic question which few would raise,

But a good answer just go with the flow and see where it leads, I'm 72 fit and sail my schooner in the UK over the summer so not over the hill yet, it really depends on the other half, it comes down to compromise on both sides, age is just a number as some would say, but I know my views are much different then when I was 40, but I do wish you all the best heatlh wealth & happiness for the future.

    It was a realistic question which few would raise,
But a good answer just go with the flow and see where it leads, I'm 72 fit and sail my schooner in the UK over the summer so not over the hill yet, it really depends on the other half, it comes down to compromise on both sides, age is just a number as some would say, but I know my views are much different then when I was 40, but I do wish you all the best heatlh wealth & happiness for the future.
   

    -@toni345th

In fact your response made me think, which I tend not to do a lot of the time.  Thank you for asking the hard questions!  BTW I am typing this as I sit on my Leopard 48 catamaran in Msasani Bay, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.  I am a beginning sailor and I am sure we have a lot more in common. 

@jayrozzetti23

Is this your first trip to the region? Does she want to move to the US or stay in Cambodia? How comfortable are you with living in the tropics?

It is my first trip to Cambodia.  I'm originally from India but have lived in the US for the past 43 years, mostly in Florida, Tallahassee and the Keys.  I'm almost a 'good ole boy' hehe.  And very comfortable with the heat though AC at night would be welcome. 

As far as moving to the US, I can't say for sure.  She indicated she's flexible but I'm pretty sure that a few months away from mama and the family will drive her nuts.  On the other hand, I'm quite happy living in Cambodia or exploring the rest of SE Asia on my sailboat.  We'll have to iron out these "minor" details, haha. 

At 66 I try not to have any illusions and look with magnanimity on whatever life throws my way.  Three squares, the goodwill of a few friends and the love of a good woman . . . what else is there?

        Hello,I'm Patrick from the US.  I'm planning on visiting shortly to meet a Cambodian woman I met online.  I'm 66, she's 38.  She's very enthusiastic to meet me after a few weeks of conversation.  I've read some of the posts  but any advice to save both of us some potential grief would be appreciated.           -@pf flyer

Hi and welcome to the forum.

These "May-December" marriages are quite common throughout Southeast Asia. Some work out well; others do not.

The main thing that you should understand is that, due to traditional values, there is not much in the way of casual dating, the expectation is usually that you will soon get married, and in most cases, you'll be marrying the whole family.

As a result, you should approach the situation very slowly and carefully. Your communications should be via video, of course. Is she able to communicate in at least basic English?

If you don't mind providing other details:

Is this your first trip to the region? Does she want to move to the US or stay in Cambodia? How comfortable are you with living in the tropics?
   

    -@jayrozzetti23

Hi Jay,

Thanks for your valuable input.  I will take your advice to heart and keep my enthusiasm in check. 

There is one definite issue, her English is less than basic.  Nothing that can't be remedied with a few weeks at the local school for English in Kracheh.  But we're meeting next week so it's going to be interesting. 

We've only communicated via text so far and there has been a reasonably good exchange of our states of mind.  Not so much about the expectations for the future which of course, is the most important.

As far as the marrying, and by proxy, marrying the whole family, that's not a big issue for me.  I come from a big family, my home has an open door, so I don't think it would be an issue.  Until someone tries to get into my pocket and that's always a sensitive issue for me.

Finally, just to put it out there, I had no interest in finding someone so young.  In fact, my preference was for someone at least in her mid 40's.  But we seemed to hit it off and, even though I cautioned her about my age, 66,  she was not put off.  I don't need to be reminded that in 15 years, when she's in her prime at 53, I'll be 81.  Yikes! 

It's been a week since I left Cambodia and my Khmer gf that I met online.  I'm putting down a few recollections of the 5 day visit before I forget. 

We met at the hotel in Phnom Penh.  First impressions:  she said I was better than she expected, which was good to hear.  I thought her pic's were prettier, she looked older, but that's advertising for you. Needless to say I kept my opinion to myself.  On the other hand,  I was delighted that she was petite, soft spoken, had great poise and dressed very well.  Overall a very "classy" impression, and I could see her fitting very comfortably into a suit and tie event, the language barrier notwithstanding.

Anyway we got along well inspite of the fact that her English vocab was limited to about a dozen words.  Thank you Google Translate.  We were able to visit museums, take in the boat races, go out to eat, etc., and generally managed to enjoy each other's company. 

On day three we drove to Siem Reap in a rented car.  I got two speeding tickets and she hopped out and paid both.  She always reached for her purse to pay tuk-tuk fares or museum tickets, which was a surprise.  Not that I needed her to do any of that. 

She never asked about my job or assets or financial situation.  In response to my inquiries about her financial situation, she said that it wasn't my concern, though she did disclose her monthly income which is basically a days pay in the US.  I don't recall the exact circumstances, but she did say, on more than one occasion, I don't care about your dollars, I'm more interested in your feelings towards me. 

Here's an interesting thing:  She  also said she would like to leave Cambodia.  However, in response to my question about what happens with her son, sister, and family, etc., she said, "'no way', I don't want any of them around me <in the States>."  Hmmm.  I don't believe she had thought that through but I'm old enough to realize that it wouldn't be ideal.  I assured her that, in my opinion, it wouldn't be practical and that we would have to spend a few months, at least, each year in Cambodia.  Which I am very happy to do.

She has applied for a passport and is starting English lessons.  Oh, now I remember it, I had left some cash in an envelope in her bag and she sent me a note asking, "what is this???".  To which I replied, just something to help you with your English lessons.  To which she replied, she wasn't interested in my dollars, she was interested in my feelings for her.  I would like her to visit the US in a couple of months, stay for a few, and then we would come back to Cambodia for a few months. 

From the date of first contact, to my date of departure from Cambodia, it had been 29 days. 

I have seen no red flags, but that's the reason for being on this forum . . . to hear unbiased opinions from those who have gone down this road before.

I've got a pretty thick skin, so don't hold back.

@pf flyer

Hi buddy, she appears to be holding on to her independence which is reasonable, and may have saved enough for a short finachiel independence, but you are rich foreigner and she is the poor Khmer, in spite of her no need for dollors, but all that is understandable and not unusual, one thing Khmer femail woman do want is stable loving relationship, and your feelings for her will be the most important thing on her mind, with a passport and English lessons this gives her foreign credibility an educated position and a firm position abroad, which it seems is her ultimate goal, the question you need ask yourself is it with you and for you, or are you just a means to achieve it, as I said before go with the flow a step at a time, there's no rush a passport and English lessons are her attempt to have better future and career, don't commit to much, if she is serious about you feel  about her she will take her time too, time always tells it how it is, take her sailing on your boat, I did in the UK with my sokha, good luck buddy

@pf flyer

Well how long did you know her before you went? Never video chat before? Sorry if you did say this. Sounds super cool except not being grateful but did sound genuine. My wife asked me to marry her and had 30 family members come interview me it was very intense since they all wanted to speak French to me and my French sucks :p that was 8 years ago and it has been a dream come true the whole time despite my idiot decisions in many situations. She is ok being away from her family but we visit 5 or 6 weeks a year usually. My wife is 10 years younger so hopefully in another 8 years she still feels the same. She had never kissed or hugged a man before me and have had zero doubts about her ever. But of course I dont let her work so maybe that's why she isn't corrupted by usa yet.

@pf flyer

Well 66 is to old for a 38 year old sorry. But hope you have fun. Can't get a k1 visa so I guess u can figure something else out..

@pf flyer

You click for now but how old do you expect to be in good health running around?

    @pf flyer
Hi buddy, she appears to be holding on to her independence which is reasonable, and may have saved enough for a short finachiel independence, but you are rich foreigner and she is the poor Khmer, in spite of her no need for dollors, but all that is understandable and not unusual, one thing Khmer femail woman do want is stable loving relationship, and your feelings for her will be the most important thing on her mind, with a passport and English lessons this gives her foreign credibility an educated position and a firm position abroad, which it seems is her ultimate goal, the question you need ask yourself is it with you and for you, or are you just a means to achieve it, as I said before go with the flow a step at a time, there's no rush a passport and English lessons are her attempt to have better future and career, don't commit to much, if she is serious about you feel  about her she will take her time too, time always tells it how it is, take her sailing on your boat, I did in the UK with my sokha, good luck buddy
   

    -@toni345th

       Hi Toni!  Thanks for your input.  It is telling that she initially resisted my suggestions of getting a passport and English lessons, perhaps implying that she had no intention of leaving the country!   I don't want to read too much into this and I agree,  one can never rule out what a person's ultimate goal might be.  She has now applied for the passport and will start English lessons shortly, but both because I am gently pushing her in that direction.

As to whether I would be a stepping stone, I have some first hand knowledge of this.  A friend of mine from Tampa, Florida, brought his Filipina wife over and she finished her nursing degree with his help.  Shortly after landing a high paying job she started coming home later, or not at all, and attributed it to extra work at the hospital.  Turned out she was having an affair with the local car dealer, the marriage blew up shortly thereafter,  and he was left sad and lonely.  I'm sure there are hundreds of similar stories.

So, with this in mind, I will take your advice and proceed slowly.  I will have to put the brakes on my naturally impulsive disposition, and exercise caution as far as investing both my money and my emotions. 

For the moment she seems to be 'head over heels' for me, but that could also be because (according to her)  it's been 10 years since she's been with a guy.  Still, we live but one day at a time, and at the moment,  the feelings are very strong on both sides.  Time will tell.

I'd love to get her out on the boat but we'd be in dire straits if we were to rely on Google Translate for communication, haha. 

Thanks again for your input and kind wishes.

    @pf flyer
Well how long did you know her before you went? Never video chat before? Sorry if you did say this. Sounds super cool except not being grateful but did sound genuine. My wife asked me to marry her and had 30 family members come interview me it was very intense since they all wanted to speak French to me and my French sucks :p that was 8 years ago and it has been a dream come true the whole time despite my idiot decisions in many situations. She is ok being away from her family but we visit 5 or 6 weeks a year usually. My wife is 10 years younger so hopefully in another 8 years she still feels the same. She had never kissed or hugged a man before me and have had zero doubts about her ever. But of course I dont let her work so maybe that's why she isn't corrupted by usa yet.
   

    -@Small Box

Hello SB, 

I met her on Nov 2nd and met her in Cambodia on Nov 25th.  No video chat prior, just messaging on WhatsApp.  Neither of us has broached the subject of marriage and I haven't been asked to meet any relatives. 

Its interesting that you went through with the "very intense" "interview" process with 30 family members. 

Let me say this, as truly as I've said anything:  I'd tell them I'm happy to meet everyone, together, anytime;  they better speak English, or fire up Google translate;  come prepared with their questions;  and they'd better bring along their sense of humor because I'm damn sure going to have a lot of fun with them.  Not being arrogant, it's just the way I roll. 

I'm glad to hear that 8 years in the US have not corrupted your partner.  I don't need my girl to work, but she does have a passion for dressmaking (her business at the moment) and if she chose to engage in that business, I would encourage and assist her.  I would like to see her develop her talent, not for the money but for her personal satisfaction.  Hopefully that doesn't "corrupt" her.

As for doubts about her interest in anyone else, I don't worry about that.  She's been single for 10 + years, so she's kinda starting out with a clean slate emotionally. 

    @pf flyer
Well 66 is to old for a 38 year old sorry. But hope you have fun. Can't get a k1 visa so I guess u can figure something else out..
   

    -@Small Box

Hello again, SB. 

Thanks for your opinion.  Would you please elaborate on why you think 66 too old for a 38 year old?  And another thing, I don't understand why you say "can't get a k1 visa".  What does this mean?

    @pf flyer
You click for now but how old do you expect to be in good health running around?
   

    -@Small Box

Good question SB.  God willing, I expect to be in good health "running around" for maybe the next 20 years?  Hopefully more, but I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be able to keep on diving, downhill skiing and hitting the gym well into my 80's.   If I continue to take good care of myself. 

I realize that I'm in the 4th quarter but I see no reason to go out with a whimper.  At 66, I'm physically (and mentally) stronger than I've been in my entire life.  We click for now and I expect for the relationship to only get better the longer we are together.  Am I dreaming?

@pf flyer

I don't know what a k1 visa is either ?

Toni,

I found this on Google:  https://kh.usembassy.gov/visas/immigran … ncee-visa/

It involves getting some documentation but process seems pretty straightforward.  Not sure whst SB means by  "can't get it". 

@pf flyer

@pf flyer

It's a marriage visa, which is different  to a tourist visa, it can be just as long winded as getting any 6 month fiance visit out of Cambodia, to a foreign country, lots of forms fees history finachiel on both sides, well it is for the UK,

@pf flyer

I can't believe it. You met in person for 5 days and a total contact of 4 weeks.

What do you expect?

Your story is full of red flags partially caused by lack of information.

Example: you met on line. How, where, what site?

I mention it because there are websites frequented by prostitutes and gold diggers, there are so called closed dating sites where men have to pay but girls have free access.

You never video-called. Why not? It's the best way to see your girl and find out if she's real or not.

Then you visit her for 5 days and you're totally in love. Why don't you wake up, take off your rose tinted glasses and come back to reality.

I don't say the girl is wrong, but she obviously wants to go to the US.

She don't want your money but from the moment she leaves Cambodia she has no income and the recent income was already low, according to your statement.

My advice: take another year to get to know each other, come over regularly and see how things develop.

Back in the US you wouldn't marry a girl you just met 5 days ago, right,?

Sorry if this is harsh, I mean it well. Take your time, don't rush things.

Cheers

Joe

Well said!  As a former military man and contractor who has spent his entire adult life traveling the world, I have seen many men get duped into bringing a woman back to the states, only to get left high and dry, as that was their ultimate goal.

Should I ever decide to settle down with a Khmer lady, we will stay in Cambodia, as isn't that the whole allure?  To live comfortably in retirement with a beautiful woman who will take care of you and you her?

Taking a fish out of the ocean and puting it in a tank would be the equivalent in my opinion, as taking a Khmer woman out of Cambodia to a western country.  Though I'm sure it's worked for some, but I would count those as the exception and not the rule.

Find a girl who wants to stay in Cambodia, and live the rest of your life in paradise!

Best of luck either way,

Eric

    @pf flyer
I can't believe it. You met in person for 5 days and a total contact of 4 weeks.
What do you expect?
Your story is full of red flags partially caused by lack of information.
Example: you met on line. How, where, what site?
I mention it because there are websites frequented by prostitutes and gold diggers, there are so called closed dating sites where men have to pay but girls have free access.
You never video-called. Why not? It's the best way to see your girl and find out if she's real or not.

Then you visit her for 5 days and you're totally in love. Why don't you wake up, take off your rose tinted glasses and come back to reality.

I don't say the girl is wrong, but she obviously wants to go to the US.

She don't want your money but from the moment she leaves Cambodia she has no income and the recent income was already low, according to your statement.

My advice: take another year to get to know each other, come over regularly and see how things develop.

Back in the US you wouldn't marry a girl you just met 5 days ago, right,?

Sorry if this is harsh, I mean it well. Take your time, don't rush things.

Cheers

Joe
   

    -@JoeKhmer

     I'm gonna have to call you "Joltin' Joe Khmer",  hehehe.  And buy you a beverage of your choice next time I'm in PP.   

But let me get you some answers first:  We met on International Cupid. 

Why we didn't video call I don't know.  Probably because the few video calls I have done have ended up with the woman half stripping, and much worse!  I got the impression that if a woman wanted to do a video call she's obviously a scammer.  (I've done more than my fair share of strip joints but that's not why I was on Intl Cupid.)   Clearly I'm a bit naive in this respect and that's why I came to this forum.

As to your reply, I don't think it was harsh at all.  A little blunt maybe, but far from harsh..  I mean you could have said (as I might have), why don't you pull your head out of your @$$.  Now that would have been harsh, hehe. 

No sir, I appreciate the reality check.  I take the advice in the spirit it was given and intend to act accordingly.

Cheers

Patrick

@pf flyer

Hi Patrick

It's true when we were young we all frequented the bars pubs discos beach all depending on what country we lived in, well time moves on so do the way we meet in the 21st century our whole lives seem to be around the internet and online, that's progress, there are countless dating sites all over the world, and some are scams, but so is buying things online, some who are sceptical like me tend to buy online from companies I know exist, but when you meet a person online you are as invisible as they are, you are hardly going to ask a load of nitpicking questions to someone you have talked to online, you wouldn't do it when you was young, you was lucky if you knew her real name, it's what you do when you meet someone, the first thing is simple do you fancy her does she you, as you older that gets more complicated at 38 she is in her 2nd quarter you are in your 4th quarter, in simple terms you have most likely done it all just like I have, but she has still many things to do in her bucket list, in Cambodia it is for expat retired by that I mean mid sixties a slow life Phnom Penh is a holiday venue which is always expensive and caters for short stay, the coast is different if you like the water but it to caters for Holliday makers, what I am getting at is that expats come to Cambodia for the cost what ever anyone says on here it's cheaper then the west, the people are nice and polite including the kids, drivers don't want to beat the shit out of you for honking your horn, but it can be a quiet life, being in the bars all the time will be bad news in the end, she is used to Cambodia you are not, it's you that has to know what it's like here, and how your online partner would be like with you here for six months, I met online I saw a photo my first comment was you look to young she wrote I am 50 at the time I was 62 that was 10 years ago, I wanted someone in my life who only had to adopt to a foreigner, who had the same attitude, after a year of communication I came to Phnom Penh spent a month in a hotel met her saw all the Holliday areas, then got a tuk tuk and toured all of the non holiday areas of Phnom Penh just to see reality, had a great time then back home, decided I would rent an apartment on Riverside and just see what life was like, in truth it's for retired expats who have done it all have nothing to prove and are happy with a comfortable life, because they are oldish, I am nearly 72 for the last 8 years for six months of the year I sail my schooner in the UK it's all Manuel sokha has come with me once just to see for real Buckingham palace Westminster cathedral houses of parliament trip up the river madam tusuads ect, and to see if I had a wife, and spent 6 months mostly sailing in the UK, but has never been back since, her family is here it's what she knows coming to the UK was her way of finding out where my home was, and how it was, she had a great time, I said to her in the very begining I would sail my schooner in the summer when I could not I would retire in Cambodia, to do that you need a home girl one who can deal with that it's not easy, do I miss her yes, but this is me, if she said tomorrow I don't want you in my life, then I would know why, we both grow old together with a 12 year gap, but understand each others goals in life, age is just a number and there it ends, after that it's attitudes to all things you do what life you lead, where you want to go what you want to do each day, when retired there are no weekends no bank holidays no work, hence the quiet life, you may settle into that but will your online partner, 6 months in Phnom Penh will give you an idea of both your lives together, rent a flat live life her for real, then see it for what it is, cheers buddy