Khmer Tradition (Visit to 'her' parents)

My first visit with very traditional Khmer family, marriage was foremost in their minds. An engagement party was discussed and arranged on my second visit. This story has a very happy ending.

@Fred Cambo

It looks like the intense communication is on distance or do I get that wrong?

If so you will be obliged to live close to your girlfriend and be together often, without living together.

If she feels like it's so serious that marriage is possible she will invite you to visit her family.

Marriage will be the main subject and don't be offended when they ask you how much you earn or possess.

A pre-marriage party might be unavoidable meaning drinking and eating for the whole village and it is you who pays.

Not to scare you, but don't go lightly into this, it's more serious for your girl and her family than it might be for you.

But it can be fun and if you intend to marry your girl go for it!

Good luck!

Joe

e

They will want to know how much money you make, then request money from you to approve the relationship. If you don't dish out the amount they request, she will no longer be talking with you. If you give the money, get ready to marry her because that money is partly going to pay for the wedding.

Do these rules apply to all Cambodian guys as well, or is it only for foreigners because they think we are all rich and don't care about money?

@blueNSX @JoeKhmer Thank you for your lights. Yes, communication on distance. But it started with a physical (irl) encounter in Phnom Penh, after which we separated, going back respectively to our different provinces (She went into studies). It has been daily online communication since then. It was my thinking to go pay her a visit by staying in the small city 15kms from her home, and in my mind it was a chance to make a new step by going to meet her parents, but she replied expressing her preference to meet again, first, in the capital. Reading you now, I think it is best. We go very slowly. I am very happy to go slowly. I think the most important thing in the present stage as being our sustained communication to get to know each other better, with no rush. I am very aware that marrying into another strong, so different, culture and make it work is not easy task. We'll see where it brings us. One day at a time

@JoeKhmer I replied you : )

@hdgh29 It applies to all men

@JoeKhmer

"Don't be offended when they ask you how much you earn or possess"  ... in fact, when I remember now, after our first irl meeting in the afternoon, we started a communication online and that was the subject of her first many questions to me ... hehe. I answered, but keeping it vague (How specific do we have to be ?). No more questions about it since then. Should I expect the topic to come back from her family ? Or maybe it will be something she will address to me again as she possibly brings the subject of marriage during our next in-person meeting ?

For me I would rather have this (and other topics of importance) discussed between both of us. A reasonable financial transfer to my 'love' is totally expected/acceptable. I would be wary of giving excessive amounts of money (or even not excessive) to members of her family.

Shortly after our 1st encounter she spoke to me about marriage ... in the sense that it would be something important for her and her family ... The subject was coming a bit too early for me, I could also feel already it was indeed "serious" for her, on my side I remained elusive. Since then our daily talk has been about mundane things, our mutual affection and her studies, that's all (and money, because yes, I pay, in the form more or less of a monthly contribution, as per your advice on this platform some years ago).

Pre-marriage party : you mean a first party disconnected from the marriage ? like few months before ?

@Fred Cambo I have only been here a couple of years and have had only one steady relationship, but I am fully aware that culturally things are very different here with Barang / Khmer relationships, mainly that financial considerations are much more important than any physical attraction or the concept of two people falling in love. When I met my first Kiwi wife in NZ I was virtually unemployed, but we were in love and got married, and her parents helped us to buy our first house. I was later successful in my work, so her faith in me was repaid. However that situation would never happen here - if you don't have at least a few thousand to throw around you are out of luck! If it is also the case for local lads, I feel sorry for them because many are just scraping by as bartenders, waiters, passap drivers etc and so have no chance of getting a bride.

@hdgh29

The tradition also applies to Cambodian men , however the expectations are lower.

Also there is a difference when the couple is young which is very likely as most girls marry at 18 or even younger.

Joe

G'day Fred.

You've probably guessed by now there's a financial component to these romantic journeys.

Forget about a few banquets you'll be funding & the odd outstanding family bills that need attending to……it's the big ticket stuff that may hit you.

Will you buy a house. ??

And here's an old favourite…..International School Fees for kids she may have or want. 

They usually have kids,,and if they're not around when you meet them…they soon will be.

As for those school fees…..they can be up to $24,000 Per Year ….and you can throw in enroll fees @ $3000 , plus extras like excursions, extra tuition etc.   

Just make sure your cashed up to cover that if the position arises.   If not…..you'll be “tarred” as a cheap Charlie & that doesn't help with the self esteem. 

Just a few tips to consider.   Good luck & take care.

@Ontheroad57 I think its important to set clear boundaries at the start of the relationship. My partner already had 2 children when I met her, and I was very clear from the beginning. When it became obvious she wanted to be with me long term, I told her that I would give her a set amount of money each month, but I would not pay extra for her kids because they were not mine. I said I would not support her family either, and I would not attend large local gatherings where no-one spoke English, the food was crap, music too loud, but I was supposed to pay for the beer etc. I told her I was from a different culture and didn't really want to adapt to hers, but given all that if she wanted to stay with me, then ok. If she had walked away I would understand, but strangely enough she has stayed with me for over 2 years now. Must be my charm and wit! I know I am in a different country but I came here to retire and live my life the way I want, not how other people expect me to live. My advice is to decide what you want to do, and don't want to do, and be honest and upfront about it.

If that ends the relationship, it probably would not have been the best thing you could have gotten into anyway.

@hdgh29

Excellent post!

This has been interesting reading. Thanks to everyone for all the points and what their feelings are. I have no desire to get involved with someone here and then support their kids or families. I did not come here for that. I came here to retire and live my life the way I want to. That being said, I have met a very wonderful Khmer woman and we go out every so often. She is smart, funny, speaks excellent English and we talk a lot about stuff we both like. I have no idea where things will go. I don't have a crystal ball so I just take my times day to day and see. I've been married more times than what I want or need. I don't need another person impressing  on me or telling me their ideas, plans, decisions about how my money is to be spent.

I also want to go when I please where I please. Like deciding to go to Vietnam in a month or so. I don't need someone to take care of or worry about when I go or take them along too.

I wish anyone good luck and fortune and happiness with whatever their decisions are.

@hdgh29

Agree…that's the best way to approach it.   

Relationships , or Situationships as I call them are really a business proposition for a lot of them.

Whenever I've drawn a  line in the sand as to what support I'm prepared to offer…..they weren't impressed. 😆.    They'll try their luck elsewhere.

But turn it around…..?  If I am back in my home country & a woman offered me Free accommodation, All meals & utilities , all transport costs , Exotic holidays abroad etc ….and No need to work , AND give me “carry around money” of TRIPLE the average wage 😀😀….there's a very good chance I'd at least consider it.

@Ontheroad57 haha sounds like  a great deal. If you meet someone like that, let me know if she has a sister! I have been married twice, each time the sole breadwinner, so I would love to have someone else do it for a change.

@hdgh29

Its all about the deal offerred I suppose.

They're a bit like blackjack players…..they get dealt a  17 hand

Do they stand on 17 or hit for another card….ie , a better paying benefactor.🤔

Are you saying my gf settled for me because she couldnt be bothered finding someone better! (probably true)

@hdgh29

Well , you did mention it was your charm & wit that sealed the deal. 🤓

That's got to be currency in itself.

Just tell her ,,,”sweetie, there's more to life than money. “….”at least we've got each other”.

Let me know how that went.?

I have just started talking to a cambodian girl I met at the airport when we were both heading to Bangkok (I live in the UK). There is a significant age difference between us, she has not been married, has no kids etc. But as others have stated above, she wants to speak to parents and for me to meet them and no sleeping together pre-marriage etc.

She has moved away from her parents village in Siem Reap.

I dont see me moving to Cambodia, and am limited on the amount of holidays I can take (and how often I can afford to fly).

Feels like its not going to happen, which is a shame as so far we get on ok and I am thinking do I put the brakes on now or goto cambodia for a few days later this year and see if there is any chemistry,,, she is talking weddings and children and we hardly know each other face to face. Most of our chats have been via messenger. I was just the nice guy who offered her my seat at the airport, calmed her nerves and helped her around BKK airport.

What do you have to lose? She sounds ok just don't mess her around.

Do you know how old she is? Past a 'certain age' (around 28-30) a Cambodian girl will find it difficult to get a local husband, so tend to look for expats. Mostly this is for a secure future, as they get older. The only trap with that is they often expect the foreign husband to also take care of the family financially, including out of work or low-waged male relatives. Unless you have "fallen in love" you may want to rethink the situation before it gets out of hand, and visiting parents etc would only give the girl and her family false expectations. Come to Siem Reap by all means, its a great party town, take the girl out for a couple of meals, go see a live band, have some fun. But avoid talk of marriage unless you are serious.

Personally, I have met a Cambodian girl on one of the dating websites and we have been talking over Messenger for 1,5 months so far. Basically every day we are talking for a few hours about important stuff as well as joking and simply having a good time together. She is treating this relationship very seriously (more than me for sure as I need to meet someone personally before confessing my feelings) and going to pick me up from the airport next month. I've started to browse forums to find some more information about weddings etc. and I'm a little bit terrified. My last marriage cost me a lot and I left all my wealth to my wife and kids. But I earn very well and I suppose the family of my counterpart would ask for a juicy dowry, not to mention the cost & time necessary for gathering, all documents, translations, going back and forth to my country, and finally a "small wedding" for at least 500 people. I have asked her what are the timeframes till she wants me to get married to her and she replied 6-12 months. Of course, she already told me she is a traditional girl and won't spend a night with me till we got married. I booked a ticket and got VISA already so I will go to Cambodia for sure but on the other side, I don't want to hurt her. For me, a supreme relationship built on the internet is just half of the success. I had some examples in the past when everything went well online and when meeting in real life happened all the magic was simply gone. Maybe there is still time for an honest talk and setting my expectations similar hdgh29 did. I prefer to see the country first, look for some real estate, and not start savings just to cover the cost of the wedding as the first biggest purchase there...

@hdgh29 she is 33 (just found out) and it seems very traditional. trying not to let me heart rule my mind. I actually thought she was a lot younger. Has a job in tele sales and a degree of some description. Decent level of english,

Cambodia has imposed a partial ban on foreign men marrying local women - would-be bridegrooms will now have to be less than 50 years old.

The government says it is trying to prevent exploitation - and promote true love and what it calls "honest marriages".

Better look into this before you pay for the wedding.  I have lived in Cambodia for a year and as far as I know this still applies.  But please check, don't take my word forbit.

@Barry G76 I think you are correct,  at least for registered marriages. It is still possible to have a wedding ceremony blessed by monks(for a fee) followed by a traditional marriage party with a few hundred guests,  usually paid for by the guests putting donations in envelopes as wedding gifts. This results in a marriage recognized by everyone except the state  and unless you are buying property together it is all you need.

@Barry G76 You are living in the past my friend. That was a law some time ago but it has since been rescinded. I know this for a fact because 1 year ago on May 10, 2022 I married my Cambodian girl. She is 40 or 41 and I am 68 just about 69. The law was deemed discriminatory because it singled out only foreign males. A Cambodian male of any age could marry a Cambodian lady of any age.

@hdgh29 You are living in the past my friend. That was a law some time ago but it has since been rescinded. I know this for a fact because 1 year ago on May 10, 2022 I married my Cambodian girl. She is 40 or 41 and I am 68 just about 69. The law was deemed discriminatory because it singled out only foreign males. A Cambodian male of any age could marry a Cambodian lady of any age.

@ghayescan ok, I understand.  Since I have no intention of ever getting married (again) it is not something I have looked into, but all the best to your family.

@Moxy1311 My advice would be : do not rush, take your time. It is a bit fast that she is already talking "marriage and children" after such a brief encounter. It would be better you let the relationship bloom (or not) slowly. It is ok if you are far away in UK in your current situation and can only develop a long-distance online relationship at first. It will allow to see how her feelings develop, and yours as well for her. These girls can fall in love easily. Same for us western men for these sweet smiling asian beauties. I have experienced in here (been here in Cambodia since 2019, met few girls in cafes or banks, without going to a 'couple' situation) that these girls often do not 'love you', they love your money. It is ok, understandable, the living standards are very low here (average salary is 200-250$/m), we represent, are wealth comparatively, unavoidable. Your girl works you say, this is good, she has a (little) financial autonomy. Money inevitably plays an important part here, you just want to make sure it is not your 'no 1 attraction' in her eyes. I have personally finally entered into a - love - relationship myself, 14 months already, only long-distance until now as she lives in Kratie and I am in the south, and she started studies (thanks to me, I pay them, 400$/m, +200 for expenses), she is very young (24), from a very poor family, very traditional also (no sex pre-wedding for sure), and we communicate a lot thru Facebook, and it suits me like that. As I said to her, 'let see how things go'. I would qualify our relationship currently as friendship, good, exclusive, strong, loving friendship, and this is the perfect beginning I think. To me the marriage should not be the start, it should be the culmination of a long, proven/tried relationship. Talk, communicate to each other first, a lot. The important, essential, very personal subjects (your needs, her needs, respective values, life goals, ...) I guess it can only be done in a 'real' encounter (or few). Be sure of what you want, don't want. Are you sure you want, are ready for children ? And for the marriage, know that the monk thing + family party can be sufficient. Personally that is what I will tell my girl when the moment comes, I won't go into the administrative official certification process. I don't plan to buy land anyway (this I already told her). Taking time also allows to test the honesty. There could be little lies, small things hidden in the beginning, which can only be uncovered while the mutual communication goes further and deeper. All the best to you.