Seeking Expat community in Tauranga - not the kiwi drinking crowd

2POSTS

15 years ago

Dear fellow Expats,

I recently moved from the US to Tauranga and seek my fellow expats. Where in the US? I've lived all over from New England to CA to Texas. I've traveled a lot for someone barely touching 30 and am very educated and seeking depth in friendships, not this superficial film I'm encountering here in Tauranga.

I will now share my experience so far in Tauranga. This may offend some but I'm sure will resonate strongly with many others.

Tauranga was not as advertised, namely clean, friendly, warm, environmentally-friendly, etc. Tauranga seems a lot like the midwest in the US: Passive-aggressive, superficially polite/friendly, standoffish, drunk, and insular.

I've been to social gatherings with other kiwis, including peers in their late 20s and early 30s in the healthcare field. Despite being outgoing and friendly and trying to talk to people, I was struck with how the native kiwis were so passive-aggressive and impolite, masking it with mask of "yeah yeah" as they continued to just spend time with their other kiwi friends and not let anyone inside their little circles.

Conversations center more around rugby, the weather, complaining about the Council, and drinking than anything of any substance. I don't drink, care for rugby or cricket, or like talking about drinking, rubgy, or cricket. Is it me or are the kiwis so insulated in their little world that they lack the depth that comes with experiencing the suffering of others, from travel, from going through hard times, and from changing one's life? Sitting around a table and hypnotically nodding one's head with a "yeah yeah" is not conversation, does not create strong friendships, and lacks depth.

Where are those people who have traveled, who have dedicated their lives to helping others, who seek to grow and mature and become better human beings, to experience life? I meet kiwis who drudgingly do one's job only to 'enjoy' the sugar-high of a drunken-filled existence on weekends only to repeat the cycle until the next rugby match. Kiwis here in Tauranga say they like the lifestyle, but they certainly don't go out of their way to make recent arrivals feel welcome and enjoy said lifestyle. Look, I don't mind if people sip wine, but I don't like being around people who are drunk or who drink enough to alter their personality.

Kiwis are not friendly, they are polite and insular. Friendly means engaging with someone and sharing one's experiences, helping each other, bonding, learning from one another. Being polite means smiling and nodding so as not to appear rude or standoffish, yet the real goal is to be standoffish.

In my experience, the people I bond with are fellow expats, and they have also experienced the above.

I am frustrated with the native kiwis and seek a community amongst the expats. I believe all us expats suffer some form of the above politeness-plague from the Kiwis. One expat colleague said it took her 4 years for the kiwis to open up to her and to allow her into their networks. 4 years!

I seek the educated expat peer group in Tauranga, those who have depth and insight, those that are seekers, ideally age 20-40ish. If you are out there, reach out. We need to create our community because we can't rely on the Kiwis to have one ready for us or to even let us into theirs.

-E-i-T

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deadinnewzealand New member

5POSTS

15 years ago

Hello,
For six years I was told how "forward looking, advanced, friendly, welcoming, and open minded" the kiwi were.
I was told how "top executive ran the country, and the corporations".
I was told how New Zealanders were "looking towards the future".
And of course, how "high end professionals were desperately wanted and needed here."
And that there were so many jobs here for high end professionals I would be turning work down.
After three years of actually being in kiwiland, I have lost everything in the world that I owned or loved, and I am fleeing kiwiland with a total of three suitcases and six boxes, and I consider myself lucky that is ALL that all I have lost.
I have watched foreign friends (who actually have jobs here - not me, of course - I am too over qualified to actually be in kiwiland) die inside by being here. The light goes out of their eyes, and I no longer see the good people I once knew and respected. They go to work, are abused, and then just go home - they no longer even try to socialize. They are dead inside.
So again - I feel lucky to escape kiwiland with my soul, my conscious, my spirit, my honesty, my integrity, and my heart still intact.
Of course, for a solid six months out of those three years of experiencing this living death in kiwiland I cried alone in my room.
How many times did I die? I lost count.
The hard thing for foreigners to realize is that this is REALLY the way things are in kiwiland.
An intelligent person will experience the kiwi and think to themselves: "I did NOT see that!" "That could NOT have happened!" And, my personal favorite: "What did I DO that is causing these things to happen to me?!"
Believe EVERYTHING that you see and hear, and always remember: "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG".
Good luck.

thekeltycat Active member

36POSTS

15 years ago

Hi expat

You will find fellow Americans over on the Expats Exposed site who will understand your feelings and might be able to give you some support. The site certainly shows a side to NZ that is never shown at immigration roadshows.

I guess I am lucky in that the new zealand people I meet have all opened their hearts to me, perhaps because they are all over 65 and I provide them with a service they have never had before. Sadly I cannot socialise with them as they are my clients. And to be honest, by the end of the week, I am too tired to even want to socialise.

But the unusual thing is, most of them say they are ashamed of the way NZ treats its newcomers. In fact they are ashamed of many things that happen here.

Deadinnewzealand - Good luck on your journey home. You survived and learned what is important to you - that is what counts.

Expat-in-Tauranga Member

2POSTS

15 years ago

Thanks Keltykat, I'll check out the other blog. I'm not surprised the groups 65+ are more open, particularly if they are being helped in unique ways not offered by their local kiwis. I understand the client thing, as a professional myself, I don't socialize with clients either.

I'd be curious to read more about what else they are ashamed of in NZ, and conversely what they are proud of. I'd be more trusting of the legitimacy of what they are proud of in NZ particularly since they are willing to admit NZ's shortcomings, as is with any country. Would you be willing to share what else they are not proud of, so at least I can have more awareness about it?

I'm also a little puzzled there hasn't been more responses from the expat community here in Tauranga.

If you're out there, please connect.
E-I-T

Pandoral Active member

35POSTS

15 years ago

Hi Expat, NZ may be a beautiful country but there's a lot more to life than scenery, as you've found out. Tauranga sounds like lots of small NZ towns, you probably won't find what you're looking for outside of the main cities of Auckland or Wellington (where there are larger immigrant populations)

Expats very commonly form themselves into communities in New Zealand, and they're very often multi-cultural gatherings.

I too recommend you try on expatexposed.com or try the forums at city-data.com

Iñaki_Diez New member

5POSTS

15 years ago

Hi,I came to NZ 3 months ago and my little experience is similar to Expat in Tauranga´s one. My only friends are chilean and english people. I´m sure that in my case it´s because my English level is quite poor (that´s the reason why we came to NZ, to improve it), but for example the English and South African people I´ve known here told me that it´s really difficult to make friends here (and in their cases the language it´s not a problem). I´ve been told that it´s true that in other places people is more friendly and this is not a problem, but well, I want to think that with the time we´ll get it. So, I´ll go on trying to get my English better and make local and non local friends.

By the way, it´s true what Thekeltycat said about the elderly people. They´re really great!

If somebody want to improve o learn Spanish, here I am to help you. Other proposals are welcome!

Julie in Tauranga New member

6POSTS

15 years ago

Hi,
I'm a Brit who moved here after 6 years in USA (Seattle & San Diego). Whilst I understand what you're saying, our experience is better, possibly because we're in a slightly older age group and have a son whos settled very well into the school system. However we do get on more easily with people who have also travelled but that's not a just NZ thing it was the same in all the other places weve lived.

In Germany, Sweden, Italy etc. we were involved in an English Speaking group and made good friends that way. There doesnt seem to be any formal group here but maybe it would be a good idea if only to support new people moving to a strange place with no family around. Id certainly be willing to be involved.

K1W1 Member

1POSTS

15 years ago

I found your comments interesting, as a New Zealander that has lived in TGA for four years I would agree that generally the people are closed off. Which is surprising concidering the amount of new families moving their each week. For it's one of the fastest growing cities in NZ.
I think as an expat you are always seen as an outsider no matter where you are in the world and you will always compare things to home.
The longer the time you stay away from home the more you will also distance yourself from your home roots.

Good luck with your jouney in life I hope you find what you are looking for in life in the near future.

May I ask what brought you to Tauranga in the first place?

colinsmum Active member

67POSTS

15 years ago

Many people move here for the sub-tropical climate. And it is now a favourite destination for retirees, who account for the huge growth over the last five years. The amount of retirement villages is staggering for the size of the population, with new ones being constantly built.

And since I work with older people.........

Plus at my age, I figured I would blend in more LOL

agusping Member

10POSTS

15 years ago

#10

Kool

colinsmum Active member

67POSTS

15 years ago

#11

At a recent medical training seminar, it was announced that New Zealand now leads the world in alcohol related domestic violence and abuse.

So very very sad for a young country with so much potential.

Drinking does seem to be a well accepted way of life here. Much fuss has been made of making NZ a smoke free zone, but there would be less road deaths and injuries, murders and assaults, less alcohol related dementia and other physical illnesses, less poverty, and less domestic violence if they put the same effort into tackling the horrendous alcohol problem that exists here.

Maybe in another 20years.........

themandrakehat Member

1POSTS

13 years ago

#12

I must revive this post as it is exactly the feeling I have about Tauranga, I love the place to bits except its people... -E-i-T really described it well and there are too many good comments to name them all

I also moved here in 2010 and in almost 3 years I hardly made any deep, real friendship. I find it extremely hard to find people with whom I can have a constructive conversation despite trying to talk to people, being outgoing and friendly... Anyhow, that's my 2 cents if there are like-minded people out there, get in touch!

perkins77 Member

1POSTS

13 years ago

#13

Hi, I'm so please to hear people say what I've been experiencing. Tauranga is so hard to settle in, I've been here just over a year now I know it takes time to gain friends but I completely agree NZ's seem to be so passive aggressive it's unbelievable. I lady I work with set up a networking group but all the people that went were over 50, I dont mind mixing with older people but it does make me wonder were are the 20-50s? Any support suggestions would be very welcome.

apatosaurus Member

1POSTS

13 years ago

#14

Hi!!!
Gosh,I sooo agree with you on all points!!!
I have been living down South,in Bluff(My mistake)where I bought property, and have had only one European lady friend in seven years,who passed away three years ago!...I have NO friends at all, and loneliness is heavy down here.
So I am hoping to find a different attitude in the North Island,as I am getting ready to temporarily move there!!!
I am also considering Auckland, but am afraid that most Kiwis are as you described!
I hope to meet American and other International Expats to have real concersations of intellectual value, and meet people with real feelings as well!!!.................
Thank you for posting this blog,as I know now that I am not alone feeling this way!!!..........
Cheers!

ketakikhare New member

1POSTS

12 years ago

#15

And to think things would get better with time. Well they have not. I am experiencing the passive-aggressive shallow and rude attitude and definitely feel the loneliness sucking off all of my happy vibes. I am here in NZ to train with a women's rugby team and even there I can definitely sense a lack of warmth that I would easily find with americans, sri lankans, indians and germans! I am now craving to have meaningful interesting conversation and realize that how much we depend on a healthy society for our emotional well-being. I am friendless, and its not like I haven't tried! I'd be grateful to meet up with anyone who I could have a conversation with here in Tauranga, so please do get in touch with me. Thank you.

bedwards Member

3POSTS

12 years ago

#16

Would like to meet like-minded folk in Tauranga!

Came here 3 years ago & find my only connections are with foreigners.Kiwis don't EVER consider us as kiwis, despite us having citizenship which took years of stress, all we owned & several years of self respect.

bedwards Member

3POSTS

12 years ago

#17

Hiya!

I might be that older group you tried - but i am not "old"! i have small kiddies & intend to work LOTS LONGER! I am the managing solicitor at BAYWIDE COMMUNITY LAW, so get to mix/see lots??

Would always welcome a coffee!!!Not NZ style - what is frapochina?!

bedwards Member

3POSTS

12 years ago

#18

Depending on the time you have available...

kiwis VALUE ( YES!!) volunteers
so what interests YOU????

Animals - SPCA
KIDS? - kidscan
crime victims? - victim support
general interest?/ Citizen Advice Bureau

MarkTHU Member

1POSTS

10 years ago

#19

Guys, are you still there? :-D Planning to move up there in a couple of months, and I am really looking for some quality friendships and relationships - but what I read makes me think of reconsidering my choice

Have had enough ignorance in my life already

Cheers.

kenjee ViP

19610POSTS

10 years ago

#20

MarkTHU wrote:
Guys, are you still there? :-D Planning to move up there in a couple of months, and I am really looking for some quality friendships and relationships - but what I read makes me think of reconsidering my choice Have had enough ignorance in my life already Cheers.

Hello MarkThu and welcome on board

Please note that this thread has been inactive since 2013!

I suggest you to Create a New Thread so as to increase your chances to befriend people around.

Tell us also some bit more about yourself, what do you do in life, where do you come from and what brings you to New Zealand?

Regards
Kenjee

pammie007 Member

12POSTS

10 years ago

#21

so someone else feels the same as me. im from England and where I come from we strike up a conversation even whilst waiting fro a bus. here its so different ive lived in new Zealand for 11 years and haven't made one friend. sorry amend that ive made six friends and every one of them has ripped me off or ive been dropped for no reason. I now live in Tauranga been here one year and don't even know my neighbours. its such a lonely life all I want is one friend to go for coffee with or shopping and I cant find one. my home is now my prison and im goin round the bend, where on earth does one go in this town to meet people? I don't wanna go hikin or the theatre or drinking as I don't drink just a friend. im warm funny great sense of humour and don't act or look my age must be someone out there who is as lonely as me

pammie007 Member

12POSTS

10 years ago

#22

hi imexperiencing the same problem moved here a year ago from Auckland and don't know a soul even my neighbours I feel like im in prison and am so lonely. if you ever fancy a coffee or a chat email me ++++

pammie007 Member

12POSTS

10 years ago

#23

hey if ever you want to have a chat or a coffee email me ++++ im really lonely and in the older age group which somehow makes it harder

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