Vietnamese Girfriend

Hi, I am a 56-year old professional from Canada; single at the present time. While visiting Vietnam last year and on my way to Danang, I met a 21-year old Vietnamese girl who is a university student in the USA.

We started talking and became friends; she invited me to her house and met her family as well. I am fairly in good shape and she originally thought I was 30 something....she offered to visit places in Vietnam and we both developed a unquie passion towards each other. 10 months have passed and we see each other regularly. She is in the USA and we meet during our off times. She is supported by her family with her hefty tuition expenses and she used to work in the USA to make money to support her living expenses. Because of me, she had to move out from her Aunt’s house in the USA and get her own place. I started supporting her living expenses on a monthly basis.

Although the age gap became a paramount concern for me, she adamantly says that she is more secured and happy with me. Her family is not supportive of her dating me. I had tried walking away from her a few times to ensure her well being. She treats me with great affection in the public and shows no indifference in front of others. I also feel the same way now and truly love her. Her family is fairly well off in Vietnam.

I am a bit confused of the future steps...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

SIVAGAIT :

I am a bit confused of the future steps...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

What do you mean you're "confused of the future steps"?  Don't you REALLY know how you feel about her, what your intention towards her, and what you see in the future with her? 

If you want to be with her for the rest of your life, then do something about it. 

If you enjoy her company or as you say, love her, but this seems to be a lot of work, then do something about it also.

It's not that difficult.

Forget about her nationality, that's not important, although many people will disagree with me. 

Forget that she "adamantly says that she is more secured and happy" with you.  Of course she's more secure and happy with you.  Where can she find someone in her age group who is "supporting her living expenses on a monthly basis"

You're the only responsible adult here.  She just reached legal age 3 years ago.  She's a child comparing to you.  If you have children, she's more than likely younger than your children.  You''re paying all of her expenses and putting her through school, the same way you did for your children.

Can you ask your children to give her the respect they would give to a stepmother?  Can you ask your friends and colleagues to treat her like they've treated your wife or last partner/s?  Do you think you'll receive any respect from your children, your friends, and your colleagues when you introduce her to them?

Do you and she share any common interest or value?   Does she listen to Justin Bieber while you tune in to Diana Krall?  (Don't answer that; maybe you dislike DIana Krall and rather dance to Justin Bieber with your very young love.)  Do you share life goals?

If you say you don't care how other people think, or you're young at heart and she's mature for her age, or you do share many interests, values, and life goals, then there's no reason asking advice from a bunch of strangers on a public forum.

I'm not trying to belittle your confusion, I just can't understand why the confusion would even be there in the first place.  Try to step back, look at the picture that you presented to us and see what everyone sees.  It's pretty obvious.

BTW, about what you said, that you're "fairly in good shape and she originally thought I was 30 something" , please don't take this personally, but Vietnamese people say that ALL THE TIME to foreigners and they rarely mean it.  Everybody whom I've ever talked to said I look between 45 and 50 while they all knew my oldest child is 41.  My husband is not just fairly in good shape but in very good shape for he has skied, surfed, mountain-biked, swam, and hiked all his life.  He'll be 69 later this year.  Not one Vietnamese has ever said he looks older than 55.   

But I was born in this country and I know the value of the age compliment.

SIVAGAIT :

Her family is not supportive of her dating me.

Hmm, what could go wrong...:/  See today's other story, Immigration Blacklist.

Family is a big deal in Vietnam. Have you considered the choice she eventually needs to make?

di·lem·ma - noun - "a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones."

SIVAGAIT :

*snip*

"Because of me", she had to move out from her Aunt’s house in the USA and get her own place. I started supporting her living expenses on a monthly basis.

*snip*

"I had tried walking away from her a few times to ensure her well being.".

I am a bit confused of the future steps...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

My Advice: Man up. Trust your gut that you are not good for her in the long run. Respect her family and leave their baby alone.

You're welcome

There's always ulterior motive in your case and it is for you to find that out. Not sure what sort of advice do you want from people on here as most of us are not qualified to give you a professional assessment. In the end, you will have to make a decision on your own then come back and tell us a 'happy ending' story or the opposite. Good luck. Love is blind but sometimes you can be blinded by the so-called 'love'.

gobot :
SIVAGAIT :

Her family is not supportive of her dating me.

Hmm, what could go wrong...:/  See today's other story, Immigration Blacklist.

Family is a big deal in Vietnam. Have you considered the choice she eventually needs to make?

di·lem·ma - noun - "a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones."

or a conundrum

OceanBeach92107 :

Man up. Trust your gut that you are not good for her in the long run. Respect her family and leave their baby alone.

Unlike my ramble, Ocean Beach said everything that's needed to be said in 24 words, with the last 8 words the best of all.

Dude give it up....she's more than 1/2 your age

Ive got friends who have wives over half their age and been together for many years. Its not about age, its about compatability.

mist514 :

Dude give it up....she's more than 1/2 your age

I think you meant to say she's less than half his age.  He's 56 so half of his age is 28.  Since she's only 21, she's less than half his age.

She's actually a bit more than 1/3 of his age.

We're flogging this one to death, yeah?!
Too bad OP is long gone, I'm always curious about the finale.
My take: age ratios are debatable, but a 21 yo college student? the brain isn't even fully formed.
But I don't worry about her, she's Americanized, she has all the cards, and probably more than one boyfriend. She'll dump them all.

Let's say if your feeling is true that you guys are really interested in each other cus of love, not because of anything else ( like money or sth ), so there's no reason hesitate.
Age gap is nothing.
Time will help her family understand.
I wish you're happy with your love !

When I was 40 I had a young Vietnamese girlfriend only 19. Her family was fine if we got engaged to be married but when it came time to get married her father did everything he could to force her to marry a younger man. They all seemed to accept me and happy with us as a couple but , " not really". politeness is a cultural thing not truly a deep rooted personal quality. What her father said was that he always expected we would both come around but since we had not he had to put his foot down. No sense in fighting it when the head of the family says, NO !!!. It would only lead to a life or misery and heartbreak all around.

In my opinion

5-15 year gap is ok

20 is questionable but wouldn't cause to much eye brows to be raised

30+ is just too much

OP id find a nice lady in her 30's if I was your age

Even if it is true love, the odds are against you.  If you truly love her, let her go.  What happens if you die early and leave her a widow to take care of herself.  Worse, what if you had a child with her.  Likely you won't see the child graduate high school.  Think in the long term.  What would be best for her.

I dated Vietnamese women. From my experience, you will save yourself time, grief, and other resources, if you end it now rather than later if the father refuses you to marry his daughter.

And also, be prepared to answer the one question that will always come until you die if you marry her at all cost: is she your daughter?

Libhero :

I dated Vietnamese women. From my experience, you will save yourself time, grief, and other resources, if you end it now rather than later if the father refuses you to marry his daughter.

And also, be prepared to answer the one question that will always come until you die if you marry her at all cost: is she your daughter?

This advice is applicable world wide.

are you really 56? This has nothing to do with her being Vietnamese. No parents in the world want their 20 something daughter to marry an old bag like you. Go to America with her. Dont settle in Viet Nam. Its a disaster

QuangNguyen84 :

are you really 56? This has nothing to do with her being Vietnamese. No parents in the world want their 20 something daughter to marry an old bag like you. Go to America with her. Dont settle in Viet Nam. Its a disaster

After reading a few of your posts you come across as knowing very little.

Try cutting off the """"monthly support for """living expenses""""".

See how long the ""relationship"" lasts.

a 21 years old and 51 years old got together, what can you both have in common beside sex?  So in exchange for sex, the 51 years old pay for the 21 years old living expenses.  Equal exchange. !!!

Hey

MustbeLucky

My GFis really great!!!...

Cooking and all....

Thu....

lucky she has usa passport already
you have to think what are your intentions and go slow

Professional meets "professional"?
All I can ask: would you love, as true love, a 30 year older partner? What would connect you in BOTH ways.
Most Asian woman (exceptions do exist) don't really love an old man (why they should?), just the wallet.
That however sticks mostly always in the old mans back pocket and the old man is so in love.
Odds are sure higher than your assets, that her family supports that, for the assets.
And again, there some exceptions, to find AND meet them, each of them is less likely than a lottery win.
Just 4 weeks ago met one, all big love and fine ... of the money, the guy lost, he could have lived in a private villa in Tokyo another some thousand years. And as he asked her, her family AND her husband, yes, her husband, turned up at his place to ransack it and him a bit, so he moved with a small rucksack away, within hours.
Think twice and on the smallest doubt, do yourself a favour and leave

Age gap is very important!  A 56yo has experience, both good and bad, and is pretty much set in their ways.  A 21yo has dreams and goals, many of which will change in, say, 10 years.  That is a big unknown in the beginning with a young girl.

I agree. When it comes to marriage, just don't mess around. It is not just dating. Especially this is VN. Maybe she is hungry or somewhating.

FWIW, OP is going to get double scrutiny during his pysco exam while applying for his marriage cert. Sure,  a little coffee money will get him thru.  Think hard....

What I find unusual about this story is that unlike most that involve a young lady anxious to go to the US, the girl is already in the US, albeit on a student visa.  Except in the unlikely circumstance that she is butt faced ugly, she could rather easily find a young man close to her own age to marry and apply for a change of status, which would lead to a permanent green card and ultimately US citizenship.  This is a route that probably thousands of students from many nations take every year.  The fact that she seems to have chosen (yes I strongly believe that women choose men and not the other way) an older man may simply be her choice.  The problem will not be for the next 25 years or so but after that.  Once, or if, the OP reaches his 80's she could become a full time nurse.

Watch out for restrictions on working with her US student visa.  Such work may be OK after the first year, but I think you have to report to USCIS about employment.

I know hookers that somehow received a US tourism guide visa (!) and finally snared the local Fedex guy at office.  Marriage has gone splendidly.  My point is the girls know the visa rule much better than a citizen can fathom.

Age difference is not as taboo as west.  20 yr  diff stretches it

Hate to be a downer, but your newfound love will end.  Only question is when.  FWIW, a 20 year age gap that survives is considered miraculous.  You better turn water into ruou, and than to diamond fast.

Simple....her status is changing, so she either has a K1, or heads home.

I know a Japanese American woman (2nd generation) who owns one of the top advertising agencies in Honolulu.  She inherited it from her somewhat older husband who she went to work for and married when right out of college and who died when she was in her 40's.  She told me once that she was young and head over heels in love when she married and had not really given the possibility of widowhood a thought.  She was fortunate to have a second husband several years later, who was a successful "back of the house" co-owner of one of Honolulu's most successful nightclubs.  Neither one needed the others money and lived somewhat independently while in their 60's.

It is entirely possible that the young lady we are discussing is truly in love as I know this and other examples do exist.  Almost inevitably though there will be a period of sadness for her.  Many of us are assuming that the male is some kind of "victim" but that is not necessarily true.

THIGV :

Once, or if, the OP reaches his 80's she could become a full time nurse.

I knew from the beginning that my wife is lazy (her words).
I do most of the housework but because I want it that way. Because when she cleans it's not really clean afterwards (not amazing when you see the parents' home).

She also loves me because I care for her so much.

She always tells me that she gives me everything back when I am old and frail.
She then wants to be my nurse.
I told her that I don't want to live anymore when I can't live independently anymore. I don't want her to have to feed me or change diapers.  :)
She does not accept that, but we will see.

Here in Vietnam it is not as if a much younger woman will live much longer than her older husband (lack of hygiene, smoking men, bad water, etc. at parent's home).

My wife, for example, is the opposite of me. She practically only eats meat and rice, loves unhealthy snacks and doesn't like healthy vegetables (I've been trying to change that for almost 2 years, but without success).

So it may well be that I live longer than she does.  :(

a lot of negative hate filled replies


I agree it does look a little weird  to see an older man with such a young woman, but maybe in this case it doesn't, we haven't seen them nor do we know them.

Maybe she really does like/love him

21 is 21 , shes legally an adult , and as bad as it sounds, shes fair game

I am 35 and still look at women in their 20's and I doubt that will ever change, even in my 50's.

My advice is enjoy it for as long as you can

Andy Passenger :
THIGV :

Once, or if, the OP reaches his 80's she could become a full time nurse.

I knew from the beginning that my wife is lazy (her words)...when she cleans it's not really clean afterwards...She always tells me that she gives me everything back when I am old and frail...She then wants to be my nurse....I don't want her to have to feed me or change diapers...She practically only eats meat and rice, loves unhealthy snacks and doesn't like healthy vegetables...So it may well be that I live longer than she does.  :(

I would hope so...  ;)

I wouldn't want a lazy nurse with poor hygiene habits cleaning me after I messed myself.

:lol:

I act got married 25 girl when I was 35. 25/35 is not that bad in my opinion and most people would agree but I still have had many difficulties which cames from age difference!

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