Greetings all. Hope everyone is doing ok after Maria. Here in Punta Cana, electricity is back up and running, but cable and internet has not been fully restored which makes it very hard for those who work online; a true nightmare. Working from a cell phone is not the most comfortable device..... Well on to the subject.
I'm curious to know, of those who have a Dominican spouse, how much has the sending money back home subject, been an issue in the relationship? This question is by no means exclusive to Dominicans, since there are many other groups that send money back home, but I have noticed that in many relationships where one of the partners has that external obligation, it always seems to create some tension since the household income has to split even further. In the U.S. this concept of sending money to help out relarives is not as common, sure we help when is needed, but it is not a constant gift. This is usually done until the relative can get back on their feet. I ask mainly because my SO, we are not married, is Dominican. I know finances in a marriage can be a major point of dissagreements and contention, but how do you make sure that person understands that the obligations of the marriage and the current household come first and then we take care of the rest?
This subject is the one point that has made me hesitate in taking that next step. I grew up in a household where my dad was the one splitting his income between us and the family back home, which caused numerous arguments between my mom and dad, I would even go so far as to say it placed an iceberg in the middle of the entire marriage. They never divorced, but it always remained a point of contention between them until my father's death. I saw my father go into credit card debt by taking out cash advances, simply so he did not have to admit he did not have the money to send back home. Ultimately the stress of the debt took a toll on his health and ended his life.
I can't say wether my SO will react in the same way or not, but I do see the pressure that family puts on those who migrate to the U.S. thinking that simply because they made it off the island, they are now wealthy. The folks back home do not realize how hard and costly it is to live in the U.S. and it is because of those views many times they expect that monthly stipend.
I don't have a problem of helping out aging parents, but it is the extended family who will now expect regular help whenever some unexpected situation arises, which could have been well avoided with a little extra planning and precaution. I simply do not want us to always be seen as the safety net whenever these situation arise. My SO is a hard working person, but out of the 4 siblings, I can see where she is the one they turn to the most.
I apologize for the long post, but needed you guys to understand where my fear stems from. I would love to hear from all who have had to deal with the aforementioned subject, and how well, or not so well you were able to manage it. If there are others who would also like to share the story of a friend or family member, I welcome those opinions as well. Thank you all.
Has sending money back home by S.O. been an issue?
This is a major issue for many!!!
The only thing i have seen that works is a full on budget laying out everything including saving for emergencies and retirement. Put in a line item of what you are prepared to contribute and that is it. That doesnt mean it always needs to be sent but put down the line and dont cross it. If she wants to work more and send more then that is up to her.
And sadly you have to be willing to say no and mean it.
Thanks for the tip planner, you always have great advice 
Thanks and I can always learn from others too. I am a former financial planner so this stuff comes easier to me.
Will share with you what me and my SO (now my wife) do... My wife comes from a culture where the kids (usually the girls) are morally obligated to send money back home to help support their aging parents or support their kids if the kids are still in school and living with the grandparents. I knew this going into the relationship and made a decision that I was going to contribute in order to have a relationship with my wife. In our case, I am retired, my wife doesn't work and her kids are just finishing high school and are living with the grandparents. We live elsewhere.
When we first started living together before we were married, I decided what I thought was a fair and reasonable amount to give my wife each month as an allowance, we discussed it and she agreed it was sufficient. Of course, more is always better right... That money is hers to spend and she sends most of it home. I also set aside an extra amount each month in a separate savings account for her so she will have some savings accumulating and I budget for everyone's birthdays and other special occasions. We are both happy with the arrangement and it works for us. I do not support her sister or brothers and I do not give anymore unless it's something I want to give.
When I was married to my American wife, she was legally entitled to 1/2 of everything, so I don't mind at all giving my new wife an allowance to use however she wishes. It's the right thing to do...
My suggestion would be for you and your SO to sit down and discuss and hopefully agree on what would be a fair and reasonable amount of money to budget each month for supporting parents or kids back home and for you to give an allowance for that purpose. If you cannot agree, then it will continue to be a source of problems for you.
Here when you marry a Dominican woman you "marry" the whole family. Yes you are expected to contribute to the "family" on a regular basis and are some what "responsible for them. It is very important to draw a line in the sand that you understand this but this is what we can send each month and not a penny more. Yes there will be emergencies that will require more but make sure it is a true emergency like medical, flood, fire and such.
Bob K
I often ponder the question: How did these women & their families survive before "The Gringo" arrived on the scene?? Obviously millions have. Granted we make their lives more comfortable, but in essence we are not essential for them to laugh & raise children. I believe in helping but not at the expense of them losing personal integrity. Even the Honey Wagon guy works with shit all week long, gets dressed up on Sunday, spends time wuth family, has a couple of Presidentes & is a normal guy for that one day of week. The first word a child or a dog should learn is NO. I've made my errors in judgement, some quite costly. emotionally & dollar wise. Listen to the others on this site.... they know the score.
I look at things from a little different perspective these days. Think about it.... if you're married to a woman in the US and she's a housewife, your income is legally 1/2 hers, you file a joint tax return and the wife can spend as much as the husband spends. For example, if the husband has a bass boat for fishing or he goes on hunting trips or golf trips, then the wife can legally & morally spend an equal amount on whatever she wants to do. What I'm getting at, is the wife is legally & morally entitled to a portion of the income. In reference to this topic, it would not be unreasonable for a wife to get an allowance and if she wanted to use it to help support her family, then that would be her choice. If the husband doesn't think it's fair to give the wife some of the household income, then he doesn't have to marry her and good luck with finding a woman that will love and take care of you for free.
I was married in the US for many years and it cost quite a lot to support my ex-wife and she wasn't sending money back home... vehicles, gas, insurance, clothes, purses, shoes, spending money, etc. You get the picture... It also cost me a lot for every girlfriend I ever had. I ended up being the one to cut their grass, wash their car, help them with their house, take them on trips and wine & dine them. Never ever did one offer to come cut my grass, clean my house or take me out to dinner or a trip.
So, I am very happy to give my new foreign wife a generous allowance which she uses some of it to support her family. And, she was working beforehand to help support her family, but I don't want a woman that works. Her job is to take care of me, travel with me, clean house, cook meals, wash clothes, etc. and I don't expect her to do all of that for free.
And, it's the best relationship I ever had... Good luck...
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I Will take notes from each one of your responses and have a discussion about budgets and finances, just to get an idea of what is expected when we get to that bridge. I must say, she has proven to be responsible with money so far while here in DR, but sometimes people tend to change when they get to the U.S. Time to pull out the quicken spreadsheet and have a little class about budgeting 102.
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