Rejection From Filipina

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I met my Filipina wife in New York City in person, and she couldn't stand me. Maybe it was the arrogant, smug look of someone who had just completed his tour in the military and gone back into civilian life. She arrived on a work visa to the US to work in a hospital, and my first job was that of a security guard at the front desk. Anyway, 30 years later, we're married. However, to answer your question, I am in the Philippines now. Retired with her. Walking around the mall or the supermarket, I get stared at as a potential suitor. Beautiful women, I might add. If I were to meet my wife online, I would have been "Blocked" and lost out on 30 years of happiness. Cherryann01 comes to the Philippines and meet them in person or attend a singles meeting conference. Online dating only works for very lucky people. It's like playing the lottery.

Lonely Wolf NYC

I had my stopwatch at the ready to see how long it would take Moon Dog to reply..

Enzyte Bob - I see you have gone for the Dalek look now in your profile picture

@Cherryann01

I figured on the Cybermen. Our American friends will be scratching their heads on this one.

I believe though that Stephen Spielberg bought the movie rights to the Daleks🎬

Exterminate, exterminate. All the crap aside I met my better half on a dating site 12 years ago and through the ups and downs (we all have them) still together and no complaints nor regrets, choose wisely and enjoy.

Cheers. Steve.

I do not think there is a right or wrong way. Online or in person, they have obviously helped you guys. Sometimes also depends on individual circumstances and time restraints

Most times it depends on priorities.

Cheers, Steve.

I met my first wife when a mutual friend invited us both to dinner. She was the prettiest girl in town so naturally I was interested. A few months later we were married and there was a huge brawl at the reception which did not bode well for the future of our marriage. She was 19 at the time and I was 38 with a good job, substantial savings and a new house that was paid for. The following 15 years were the worst years of my life. I spent a lot of time watching true crime shows, mostly about how guys who killed their wives ended up getting caught. When our 2nd child turned out not to be mine I threw in the towel, moved to Houston, TX and divorced her long distance. Based on my one experience meeting the perfect partner on a dinner date has long odds, like winning the lottery. See how that works?

My overseas tour in the Army was in South Korea back in 1972. I was 20 years old and just off the farm. A fellow soldier volunteered to take me to the village for my first time and I met a prostitute I really liked. I spent time with her but the last words my mother spoke to me before leaving was "don't bring anything home" so I didn't get carried away with Miss Lee. A short time later a new guy from Stillwater, OK arrived at my 12 man quonset hut barracks. He was a real slow talking Okie. I would nod off waiting for him to complete a sentence. It was my turn to take a new guy to the village for the first time and who did we meet? Miss Lee of course, and Okie was lovestruck. In no time he was filing papers to bring her back to Oklahoma. My point is guys like Okie have no business on online dating sites. They are ripe for the picking and stand a good chance of losing everything. I have nothing against prostitutes and as far as I know Miss Lee was a good wife for Okie.

Let's throw some real statistics into the conversation. I did some googling today and this is what the "experts" say:

"Participants who met their spouse online reported that they were, on average, slightly more satisfied with their marriages, and slightly less likely to separate or divorce than those who met in offline venues." Phycology Today

"A UChicago-led study has found that couples who met online have happier, longer marriages, suggesting that such relationships may benefit from the selectivity and focused nature of Internet dating." University of Chicago

"Just over half of Americans (54%) say that relationships where couples meet through a dating site or app are just as successful as those that begin in person, 38% believe these relationships are less successful, while 5% deem them more successful." Pew Research

"More internet matches are leading to happy marriages" Arizona State University.

The ASU study is the newest, published January 20, 2023.  It goes on to say “If you met your partner online, you were a little happier and a little less likely to break up or dissolve the marriage,” said Liesel Sharabi, assistant professor at Arizona State University’s Hugh Downs School of Human Communication." and she explains why:

"The online advantage

Sharabi’s study explains how the common stages of online dating differ from those in more traditional dating and may impact the satisfaction of relationships that are formed.

The results of her research presented a comprehensive view of online dating through four stages and 13 subcategories. These stages were not always consecutive.

First, there is a period prior to even interacting with a person online, said Sharabi, which consists of information gathering.

Once you start talking, an advantage of communicating online is people are more likely to ask key questions that they might not feel comfortable pursuing early on in person.

“You might want to know their religion or what their political leanings are or who they voted for,” she said. “But you're not going to ask these questions on a first date. That would be really uncomfortable.”

Online dating allows participants to get the backstory before moving forward.

“You don't have to worry that you're going to be six months into a relationship and just then learn something that is a deal breaker,” said Sharabi, who also writes an online dating blog called Dating in the Digital Age for Psychology Today.

Also, some relationships formed online took more time to develop, Sharabi said, with emotional intimacy preceding physical intimacy. It turns out this created a better foundation for a future union.

“It shows that waiting a couple of weeks is the sweet spot where you have time to get to know a person before you meet,” said Sharabi, who also cautioned against waiting too long to meet in person.

“One thing I identified in my study was that (online dating) provided this foundation of intimacy — a strong foundation that couples could use to build the relationship on,” she said.

The next step is taking the relationship offline. Sharabi’s study revealed that at this point couples enter a period of multimodal development that demonstrates the enduring influence technology continued to have after meeting in person."

The above is something I've experienced and agree with. She stated that "waiting a couple of weeks is the sweet spot where you have time to get to know a person before you meet". I waited 3 weeks, but even though I drug it out an extra week it is still working 17 years later.

Moon Dog said . . . . Let's throw some real statistics into the conversation. I did some googling today and this is what the "experts" say:

"Participants who met their spouse online reported that they were, on average, slightly more satisfied with their marriages, and slightly less likely to separate or divorce than those who met in offline venues." Phycology Today

"A UChicago-led study has found that couples who met online have happier, longer marriages, suggesting that such relationships may benefit from the selectivity and focused nature of Internet dating." University of Chicago

"Just over half of Americans (54%) say that relationships where couples meet through a dating site or app are just as successful as those that begin in person, 38% believe these relationships are less successful, while 5% deem them more successful." Pew Research

"More internet matches are leading to happy marriages" Arizona State University.
The ASU study is the newest, published January 20, 2023. It goes on to say “If you met your partner online, you were a little happier and a little less likely to break up or dissolve the marriage,” said Liesel Sharabi, assistant professor at Arizona State University’s Hugh Downs School of Human Communication." and she explains why:

"The online advantage . . . .

*****************************************

The original post by Cherryann01 is referring to Expats in the Philippines. You've done a wonderful job of Googling your facts . . . . .

But mostly they are irrelevant because:

(1) The participants mostly shared borders, language, culture and education.

(2) The participants in the surveys had similar aspirations and goals.

(3) Online dating sites is a newer concept, it hasn't been around long enough to compile accurate statistical analysis.

(4) The participants in these surveys on the average are much younger than the average Expat.

(5) GIGO

The Experts from Pew, which you also reported from said the participants believed that:

71% lied about themselves to appear more desirable.

50% set up fake accounts

48% received sexually explicit messages or images they they didn't ask for.

18% had privacy violations.

@Moon Dog - well said. And congrats to you too. I don't believe in hard and fast rules for all. Putting my best foot forward has been my guiding principle that has stood me in good stead.

Yeh I agree, online dating obviously works for some including you so well done

@alwish1 you lucky dog. You hit the lottery.

@Enzyte Bob You're right. What was I thinking?  I was right about not taking their "WhatsApp"  mobile number when they offered it.  ~

@Enzyte Bob You are 100% correct. What was this "Old Geezer" thinking? I was right not to accept their "WhatsApp" mobile number when they offered it.  ~

@Moon Dog

Hey Dude, how did get your girlfriend to the US please.

I've been living with my girlfriend almost 4 years  now and we're ready to tie the knot.

Thanks

@Moon Dog
Hey Dude, how did get your girlfriend to the US please.
I've been living with my girlfriend almost 4 years now and we're ready to tie the knot.
Thanks
-@Mkloby66

Marry her and apply for a spousal visa.  Or do not marry her but apply for a fiance visa, which requires marriage after arriving in the USA within 90 days.  Good luck.

@Mkloby66

We did the K1 fiancé visa back in 2006/2007. The paper work wasn't that difficult but I paid a guy named Ray Bacon $200 to do it all for me. Ray belonged to a Yahoo forum called Mag Anak which no longer exists because Yahoo shut down all those forums.

The May Anak forum had few sour old dudes who were down on online dating and short engagement periods just like this forum but Ray was one of the good guys and he got my fiancé to the US without any problems in 2007. Her sister met a guy online and Ray took care of their paperwork also and she arrived in the US in 2014.

@Cherryann01

Hi Alan,

I like the thoughtfulness of your post here. It's written quite nicely.

Before I married, I preferred interracial dating for a variety of reasons, specifically in the Pilipina and Mexican cultures. Despite my preferences, I found myself unlucky in love until I eventually married.

I had a near-three-year relationship with a Mexican woman when I lived and worked in BCS. Infidelity was never a thing, so far as I know, but there was a lot of other dishonesty and general unhappiness throughout that relationship.

In the Filipino culture, I dated a little bit here and there, but I often came across either dishonesty (in a variety of circumstances) or materialism (which is somewhat understandable and yet can become intolerable when it's just too much or too often). Finally, I met my wife. I'm nearly fifty. I'll be forty-nine this summer.

She's in her early thirties.

So we both brought/bring a lifetime of our own "baggage," so to speak, into this relationship. Yet, I have never once noticed her being dishonest, being overly materialistic, or adopting this air of being better than anyone else. She is kind (sometimes too kind, even for my own preference in humanism), loving, and just digs being happy and carefree.

We have our struggles like any other couple...I wouldn't call it arguing, necessarily, but we have disagreements now and then. She is pilipina, after all, so there are times she gets angry over things that I'm still like, "Are you kidding? Are we actually fighting right now?" Or, I'm like, "Ahhhh...okay, I woke up breathing, so you're upset today...." But those times are fairly few and far between.

I think it takes understanding from me to truly understand not just her culture but her life's circumstances that have contributed to who my wife is. Because she sure is understanding toward me. I'm probably the most difficult person on the face of the planet to live with....

As I was reading your post, what I found coming to mind are all the times I've started dating someone...including my wife...and was super watchful for lies. Because I've been lied to so much in my relationships. That's bad. But it's human, right? When you've experienced over and over certain things, you become a self-proclaimed expert on that subject matter, and you expect it, as sad as it is.

And she is incredibly jealous of other women. Which, is odd, because...I'm me. I don't exactly have women approaching me and asking for my number anymore at this stage of my life. And if I did, I would tell them that while I appreciate their interest, I've found my princess, I love her beyond measure, and we should both end this conversation before we are smothered in our respective sleeps....

To answer your other questions, I met my wife online in a dating app. We chatted through that app for a time, then progressed to phone calls and video chats. That progressed (quickly) to meeting her family, especially her mother and brothers, and then, later, her meeting my family. The pandemic happened after we met, so to see each other in person, we had to meet in Thailand after they thankfully opened to tourism. We spent a month in Thailand together. After the Philippines reopened, I flew there and met her family, spent a few weeks with her again. Six months later, I flew back there, and we got married in Manila. We started the visa process thereafter. I've been back again to visit her and my now family for a month, and I'm going back again this August. We hope her visa will be approved by this coming fall or winter.

This isn't the cheapest thing I've ever done in my life, to be sure, but I'm fortunate in that I can afford to do this, and I work in a field that allows me time off when I need/want it. In terms of our relationship, it's sometimes hard. The time difference makes it so that after I work a long day and need to sleep to be rested for the next day, she's getting up and starting her day. And when I'm off to swim laps and go to work in the morning, she's getting ready for bed. Sometimes, we only get to exchange some texts during the day for a full week. That is hard, and it takes a toll. She feels neglected. I miss her. Sometimes it even causes disagreements because we're both a little cranky and our hearts hurt, so we end up being just generally disagreeable. Or maybe a text comes across as short or ill intentioned...the infamous thumbs-up emoji....

But we communicate. And usually when one is cranky, the other slows things down a little bit and we talk. Not always, but we've become much better at that.

So, the distance makes things hard, but it's been good, I think, in some respects. It's effect, maybe, has been that we appreciate each other even more, and we've learned how to more effectively communicate.

Anyway, enough said here, I think....

I hope you find happiness, Alan. I truly do.

Warmest wishes,

Jason