Not belonging in the DR (How to thrive here)

Wow I am very surprised to read this. I have many good friends who are Dominican and they are not a bit like you describe. I have also lived in Caribbean countries before and the culture is very different from the US. Had you ever lived outside the US before moving to the DR? Latins also drive a lot more erratically than Americans LOL and it sounds like Miami drivers to me ... I am not criticizing you but maybe you are expecting Caribbean/Latin people to behave like Americans back home? I wish you the best of luck.

I don’t quite understand how you found yourself living in a country you seem to despise their culture? Did you research before moving to the RD? We are purchasing a place in Bavaro/El Cortecito and find lots of expats very friendly and welcoming into the community. Hope you find what you’re seeking.

In your post you indicate that you have moved from a major city...but yet you are unhinged by "run the gd grass trimmer every single day at 9am in such a way that there is no peace".  Did people not cut grass where you lived?  Did people not use pressure washers to wash cars, have dogs that barked and kids running around the neighborhood?  This is a part of living in a community.  A little patience and understanding goes a long way.

I am sorry that this was not the right move for you, but I do not feel being negative to the culture and the country you moved to is warranted.  I love the Dominican's that I have encountered and embrace their culture (loud music and all).

I am sending positive thoughts that you find the happiness that you desire.  For me waking up to most amazing sunrises everyday is enough to make me smile.  Add on top of that the beautiful landscape and the ocean...oh my!

The OP is far from alone knowing that a large majority of expats don't settle here long term.

Personally I think resort areas can be cold and lonely places for an expat if you don't strike up friendships despite all the other benefits. In such places it is much harder to find genuine Dominican friends because most of them are in such areas for your money.

Language can be the biggest barrier to understanding how things and people operate here.

After living many years here in city,resort areas and campo, I hear the frustration and you are right to seek advice to try and negate that developing bitterness.

To make the most of a life here you must adapt, accept the imperfections and carve out an independent life for yourself how you want it to be.

You are in your  adjustment period.  Its hard enough without there also being a pandemic.  ANd you live in a "not real life"  type of place. Punta Cana is somewhat removed from  normal life here.

I understand how you feel.   You feel trapped because you cannot leave so now it feels like  out of your control. 

I am going to send you a PM, sometimes it helps to talk.

I can relate to what you are saying. If I had come here alone to live, I would have left by now. I'm from the US and and married to a wonderful Dominican woman who is highly educated, world traveled, financially independent and works as a attorney here.  I have learned that experiences can differ greatly depending on where you live and who you associate with but there are still some cultural differences that you'll have to get used to. I've heard people say that Domincans are warm hearted and giving people and I've also heard people say some of what you are saying. Both can be true. I don't know much about living in Punta Cana as I only visit there to go fishing. Sosua, for example, is a tourist area where I would be very very careful who I make friends with, who I hire to work, etc.. I own property near there and the level of dishonesty and corruption is off the charts and I'm not just refering to Dominicans. My wife has property in Las Terrenas and we have not seen the same level of problems there. Some of my wife's family as well as friends live in smaller towns or in the "campo" and for the most part these folks would give you the shirt off their back. You also have to recognize the level of education is not what you are used to. A guy may be driving crazy on the road, you may see someone throwing trash at the side of the road or the contractor that you hire did bad work, but this may be what they are used or what they were taught was acceptable behavior. Over time I've found the good outweighs the bad here but it does take patience.

Two thoughts. I tell everyone looking to re-locate here the CULTURE is the number one risk! Culture is not just the foods one eats or the language one speaks. It means how people think about everything. The noise, the looking out for oneself, rule changing, etc, are all cultural aspects of the DR. If you are unable to adapt it will drive you crazy. Americans have a very "corporate" culture, meaning we value things like order, rules, signs, efficiency, and above all accountability. These things are lacking here. I do agree with the OP that people here, Dominicans and expats, seem to have a "me first" attitude and have very little consideration for anyone else. This can be hard to accept.
This is why Denise and i always recommend staying here temporarily for some time before making a more permanent decision. There is no shame in admitting it is not for you.

The second thought is there is a pattern, or graph, of expat adaptablity: the first phase is ephoria of having done it and being somewhere new. Then you have to be concerned with living here every day and life's normal challenges (downward slope). This is where people eventually break down and throw in the towel. And phase three is when things get easier because you figured things out and adapted. I hope the OP gets to this phase, but it is not easy.

Very very well said!

Bockri, you said you don't 'mesh' well with locals.  In fact most gringos don't too well. The majority tend to hang with other gringos.  On the other hand it's quite another thing to to ACCEPT that the locals are different than you are.  You can't expect them to change for your benefit.  If you can't handle the culture, then it's not the country for you.  Indeed, part of your bitterness at the 'take advantage of' thing, is that YOU are a victim of it.  We've seen in another thread that you are paying 1500 for a maid or some other servant.  You could be bitter because that so much higher than the real average cost for domestics.

As previously said, make sure you understand the culture before you move. Althoughm, Covid has not helped the situation as less places to frequent and people to socialize with.

Hi Bockri.  Firstly your description and experience is spot on for Punta Cana.  The good news is you need time to adapt.  It gets a little easier every year.  PC is pretty boring for retired people.  If you are working,  that's different.  There is very little to do in PC that doesn't cost too much money.  You can't even go to the beach without someone telling you it's private or not today, we're closed.  PC is for tourists but they keep building condos and villas without any thought or planning into quality of life for those of us who live here.  Can't even drive where you want to because it's another gated community.  The good news is...in time you will find your way.  It takes much patience and perseverance but you can do it.  Good luck.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, good, encouraging, and gaslighty too!

The loneliness is killer!

Feeling like a literal fish out of water is killer too!

I will reply back soon to all the individual comments!

Thanks also to those who wrote me via DM!

Bockri, do you have the option of trying a different part of the island to see if it suits you better? Perhaps rent out your place in PC and check out Las Terrenas? Susua? Just trying to present some options because you do sound 'unhealthily' bitter. Rather than dwelling on how lonely you feel, maybe going to explore opens a door or two?

Full disclosure: I'm sitting here in Canada and have no experience living in the DR - yet (I will in the future because I'm in the process of having a villa built). I have only ever been in the DR for a few hours on a cruise ship stop-over. Haha, I see many of you rolling your eyes at this very moment! No worries, I'll enjoy my stay once I'm able to spend some time on the island. I adapt easily, love exploring, I'm open to new experiences and can't wait to explore.

Bockri, I'm simply trying to help you find a solution.

Drex I love your attitude!  Welcome to the forums

We only visited twice, and both times were to purchase a villa.  We are here now, have our residency and we love it.  Took a leap of faith that paid off. lol  Biggest hurdle is accepting the way things are done here.  There are many things that leave us shaking our heads, but we have to adapt. Easier for some than others though. It's not Canada or the U.S. and never will be.

That's great! We did a lot of research ahead of our one visit to Bavaro/Punta Cana, purchased a condo in the often maligned tourist district, which we love the hustle and bustle and the friendliness of the Expats here. It absolutely has been a leap of faith and can't wait till full retirement and splitting our time in the RD.

We came here two years ago on a vacation and stayed between Cabarete and Sosua.  We loved it then and felt we wanted to stick our toes in a little longer.  As seniors, we would have moved here last year except for the pandemic.  Now, we have landed in Cabarete on a years long "sabbatical" to see how things go.  We are renting so there is no pressure to buy or build a home.

The people in this area are lovely and our experiences over the first month have been positive.  It's not perfect but we knew that coming in.  Speaking the language helps and I would urge you to develop a conversational knowledge of Spanish.

Do reach outside that "cocoon" of Punta Cana to meet and experience all that the island offers.  This North Coast area may be worth a try.  Cabarete has a pleasant mix of North Americans and Europeans with a heavy bent toward youth.  But, there are so many new encounters and interactions with the wonderful people it's worth the effort to spread out and see what the DR has to offer.

I understand! That will be the biggest adjustment for sure!

I’m going to repost my original questions here in hopes of refocusing and getting some answers!

* HOW do you guys cope?
* WHERE do you go to make friends?
* WHAT can I do to survive (mentally) until I can leave?
* Does any expat group get together regularly to support each other?

* Did you ever feel like this (like I do) when you moved here?
* Can one thrive here without becoming like their surroundings?

* Does it get better?

There are many Punta Cana expat groups on facebook, I suggest you join some of these groups.   You can probably meet many through these groups.

HOW do you guys cope? One day at a time.
* WHERE do you go to make friends? Where do you live.
* WHAT can I do to survive (mentally) until I can leave? What’s causing the despair.
* Does any expat group get together regularly to support each other? I’ve asked this question many times, ironically I’ve found more expats (North American). ten to be rather standoffish towards one another.

* Did you ever feel like this (like I do) when you moved here? Many times.
* Can one thrive here without becoming like their surroundings? When you dance with the devil, you don’t change the devil, the devil changes you.

* Does it get better? Always when you least expect it.

Let me try again:

Coping is one day at a time.  Some days are harder than others even after almost 18 years.

It is likely harder on you because of the pandemic.  I have felt the difference! 

I reached out to you by private message. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who understands what you are going through.

Expat groups are not really doing anything formally because we are in a pandemic.  I am sure smaller groups do get together! 

Thriving here requires adjustment. It requires some acceptance but that doesn't mean you have to do the same.  Often the key is adapting, not judging.  Things have been the way they are here for a long time. You are not going to change things no matter how hard we try.  The struggle is real and it's inside you.  When you stop trying to make things how you think they aught to be, it gets way easier!  The struggle never goes away!  What we do about it, makes our lives easier or harder! 

I am not suggesting changing who you are or your core beliefs.  I am suggesting you pick your battles and let most of it go.

Anytime you need to vent, let me know.  It does help.

* HOW do you guys cope?  In time you will make friends and find something in common to do.  Golfing, a night out with the boys, house parties, fishing (although not many places where it doesn't cost money) of course the beach.  Try to get some part time work or a hobby. 
* WHERE do you go to make friends?  Same as anywhere else.  The gym, the beach, the bars, shopping...
* WHAT can I do to survive (mentally) until I can leave?  Any of the above.  Try to get involved.  Go to Brots or El Burrito's at PC and try to meet some people.
* Does any expat group get together regularly to support each other?  Let's give it a try.

* Did you ever feel like this (like I do) when you moved here?  Absolutely, you are not alone.
* Can one thrive here without becoming like their surroundings?  Certainly.

* Does it get better?  Yes, but it depends upon you and takes some time.

Send me a PM, always up for a beer or coffee...

An expat living in another country has to have reason and motivation to be there.

Without that you are lost.

Bockri, what some guys do is get a local girlfriend.  In this manner, some of them not only 'cope', but actually enjoy life.

A good idea...but ONLY if you heed the many warnings stated in many other threads on expat.com.

jim
RusherExpat

jwj938924 wrote:

Bockri, what some guys do is get a local girlfriend.  In this manner, some of them not only 'cope', but actually enjoy life.

ExpatRusher, yes of course, that's a given.