Talking to a Viet girl in HCMC. Need some clarity.

*** That is not the typical Vietnamese man. ***

That is unfortunate but true. I've seen that a lot.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Hello everyone. I need some advice on how to proceed with this girl I've been talking to for a while.

We've been talking to each other for a few years now on and off through Skype/Viber. By chance I was in Saigon for work in 2015 and we connected once in person, but due to a lack of time I simply couldn't make anything tangible happen.  Despite this, we kept in touch and started talking everyday. We would share stories about our lives, ambitions and sing songs and there were many intimate things said. It was a very pleasant experience and I got so close to her. Unfortunately, I had a great opportunity in KL/Manila so I decided to take that. We grew apart a bit but still kept in touch.

I'm now in a position where I can spend much more time in Vietnam. But I'm still confused as to why she kept in touch with me for so long. She's not my girlfriend yet even though I care for her a lot. My main concern is that she's expressed the desire to live abroad in the past, particularly in my hometown in the US and has unsuccessfully applied for an au-pair visa and is now trying to get some sort of student visa. This is sending off red flags in my head along with the fact that she speaks above average English for a Viet girl. 

We are similar ages -- mid 20s. I like her a lot and want to be with her, but I'm certainly not naive. I don't want to be used as a tool and then discarded. Can anyone shed some light on this situation?

Am I being paranoid? What would you do in my situation? Thanks for reading.

Way back when, before Internet, I was in love with a Thai Girl, I was in the Army and we got separated, but even with a soldiers meager salary, I managed to fly to Thailand 2 or 3 times a year, Military Hops, space available, stand by flights - once took a train from Kuala Lumpur, so your excuse of not being able to travel to see her for three years doesn't stick with me.   I wish you luck, but don't be surprised if when she finally meets you and talks person to person she just bolts and not come back - you lack of action doesn't inspire confidence in my eyes   I am now with a Vietnamese woman for the past 19 years and we are not married in the traditional sense, I find most Vietnamese girls are a One-Man-Woman...................Good Luck and I hope you are what she is looking for.

So...It's probably not gonna work out between me and Chicky. She's pretty pissed so I've cut ties.

An interesting note though - She's just been using me for information when she realized it wouldn't be anything more. Mining info out of me about how to get a leg up in life and it seems this strategy has caught on in the dating scene here. She would feign ignorance about something and of course I'd help her out like the well informed, polymath I am haha. I did notice eventually and called her out on it. She exploded with anger and that was that.

I'm in HCMC now and met this lady earlier that tried to run this same exact game on me. We met for drinks at her hotel. She was hot and from Hanoi, works for a pharmaceutical company. I was more concerned about her dress when she shifted the convo to her kids' schools and where should they study, what visas to get, how to get free this and that, etc. Made me a little uncomfortable because it felt scripted and not organic/genuine. She was looking to catch a big fish and move permanently based on my estimation. Very calculating.

It's something to be very cognizant about because it's similar to the 'free food guy' in the US that's just a tool to be discarded at the end of the day except this is a lot more insidious. Still settling in town. We'll see where things go. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Good job. Many have a desired purpose in mind. Sometimes it will be what you can do. But for many they want more then you are willing to do. The best thing, like you, go slow and probe. It will surface eventually. Hopefully before the marriage. This folks are adroit at the game.

Diazo wrote:

Good job. Many have a desired purpose in mind. Sometimes it will be what you can do. But for many they want more then you are willing to do. The best thing, like you, go slow and probe. It will surface eventually. Hopefully before the marriage. This folks are adroit at the game.

I'm just kind of looking to play around and maybe get a gf first. Not looking to get married...yet.

But the Philippines has spoiled me rotten with the easy nooky. Viet girls have much stronger resolve and are more savvy it seems than pinays. Plus Viet girls don't usually put out too quickly so I'll have to date around first.

Can’t wait to see what Ciambella thinks of this guy....

Ain’t he Adorable.....🐾

I had the same thought. Hey but at least he is honest. I do not think the two types are very comparable though. A horse of a different color. I have said I wish I could have the pinays here and Vietnam, I would have the best of all worlds. Here they guard,  that thing like it is fort knox. Even after they have jade a basketball team.

You really think that ????     

Hell !!!!!   i honestly can't think of even one VN guy going to the same gym that I use daily, who hasn't boasted at one time or another, about the 'other' woman he's picked up and is using behind his wife's back (and the family as well) !!!!   

In truth, quite a few of the other male members of the Club think that I'm a bit 'strange' because over the past 7 years, I've never, even once, thought about cheating on my BEAUTIFUL VN WIFE !!!!   

VN men in general, it seems to me, cheat on their wife's far more often than most 'western' men - although I must admit, it must be a VERY strong temptation to cheat with any one of the thousands of totally beautiful young women around Sai Gon !!!     

BUT - it took me a lifetime to find my VN wife and I have NO intention of ever doing anything to hurt or lose her - - - guess I'm a bit old fashioned that way.     

P.S. - - - I trust my VN wife completely !!!   She has full access to my bank accounts, credit cards, - meaning her own cards in joint names to everything,  internet sites together with all the user I.D,s and passwords.   
Seems I'm the one who is always getting in trouble with her for spending / paying too much for things !!!  Even if it's a surprise gift for HER !!!!     

Do not disagree at all.

That’s more like it lads...

Looks like were seeing some degree of Gentrification of the forum with the sober input of some classy individuals.

Yogi’s always been a “ One Dog, One bone” operater himself.

Woof woof........woof woof woof.🐾🐕🐕

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I'm just kind of looking to play around and maybe get a gf first. Not looking to get married...yet.

Please please let us know how this turns out!  I think most of us here know how this is going to turn out, but we cannot spoil it.  He needs to experience it himself. 

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I'm in HCMC now and met this lady earlier that tried to run this same exact game on me. We met for drinks at her hotel. She was hot and from Hanoi, works for a pharmaceutical company.

Dude. You're telling me you're in your twenties, you're in Vietnam, you were at a hotel with a hot Vietnamese woman, and you're still thinking about their morality or yours? Someone wake me up. They know what they're doing, they're not innocent bystanders. Just don't make false promises, but don't deny anything. Who knows, yes you could possibly help them move in the US one day. I mean, a chance on a million is still a chance yes? Have fun man, just enjoy being used, it's a double sided game.

I really wish you would not have been that upfront with Chicky, not yet anyway. You need some grooming. If you're around HCM in January we can have a few beers and I'll train you. You can listen to me, I was married to a Vietnamese woman and now divorced, I am now the word of wisdom and refuse you waste any more day of your twenties thinking too much 

WillyBaldy wrote:

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I'm in HCMC now and met this lady earlier that tried to run this same exact game on me. We met for drinks at her hotel. She was hot and from Hanoi, works for a pharmaceutical company.

Dude. You're telling me you're in your twenties, you're in Vietnam, you were at a hotel with a hot Vietnamese woman, and you're still thinking about their morality or yours? Someone wake me up. They know what they're doing, they're not innocent bystanders. Just don't make false promises, but don't deny anything. Who knows, yes you could possibly help them move in the US one day. I mean, a chance on a million is still a chance yes? Have fun man, just enjoy being used, it's a double sided game.

I really wish you would not have been that upfront with Chicky, not yet anyway. You need some grooming. If you're around HCM in January we can have a few beers and I'll train you. You can listen to me, I was married to a Vietnamese woman and now divorced, I am now the word of wisdom and refuse you waste any more day of your twenties thinking too much 

I will gladly take your offer kind sir!!

Nielsen Flute wrote:

I will gladly take your offer kind sir!!

If you're up for a fun adventure you should visit me in Rach Gia (45 minutes flight from HCM) first half of January if not I'll make it up there by the end of the month. First pint on me 

Diazo wrote:

I may be wrong, but it seems here for many you start from a position of no trust then you  must earn it bit-by-bit. Whereas,  in many cultures you start with a position of trust and keep an eye out that the person has betrayed your trust. You see people here thinking they deserve access to all your private matters and documents. Me I trust my partner and have no desire to have access to her conputer or phone or what conversations she has with whom. I trust her. When she packs up and leaves for another guy I simply assume he was better for her than me.

I totally agree with Diazo, but will add, I think it's impossible to start from not trusting and end up trusting. When does that happen, after a week, month, year, decade, century?

And honestly, how is this any different than any place else int he world, where there are men and women?

If anything, I will add that in my limited knowledge, Vietnamese women are as devoted, if not more so than, Koreans and Japanese.

If anything, I will add that in my limited knowledge, Vietnamese women are as devoted, if not more so than, Koreans and Japanese.

Agreed.   (Totally?) different mindset here.    And so much better

       Certainly one I'm happy to come home to...     

It's sort of a case by case thing that each time, each of you must work out for yourselves.

Guess I was extremely lucky - met my now wife, on an open 'chat forum' that had nothing to do with Viet Nam, romances, dating or anything else !   

I just liked the things she said and the way she expressed herself - so gathering up all my nerve, I asked if her if she would mind chatting to directly - not on that open forum - after a little while and some
more general chatting with other people on-line at the time, she agreed and had the forum administrator send her email address - - - 

After a very nervous first few hours chatting together, question and answer time, we both became far more relaxed with each other and chatted about things in general.

Next MAJOR step was the use of both of us turning on our webcams - - - that went OK and much to my surprise, she didn't make any  excuses or cut me off !!!      

More that that, she was / is stunningly beautiful - both inside and outside !!! 
Settled a few details up at was my home, applied for a visa and jumped on a jet landing at Tan Son Nhat,   Sai Gon.

Time and patience, plus a LOT of learning about thinking and doing things the way the Vietnamese do things. Learning the past history of the peoples and the true history of the country of Viet Nam has proved to be not only very educational - but very, very well worth it !!!   

I don't kid myself for a moment, I was unbelievably fortunate to meet, and win the heart of an ANGEL who just happens to be walking the earth at this time !!!   

P.S. - I'm not rich or good looking at all !!!  Just relied on being 100% open and honest with her about everything in my past.   

Flip465 wrote:

It's sort of a case by case thing that each time, each of you must work out for yourselves.

Guess I was extremely lucky - met my now wife, on an open 'chat forum' that had nothing to do with Viet Nam, romances, dating or anything else !   

I just liked the things she said and the way she expressed herself - so gathering up all my nerve, I asked if her if she would mind chatting to directly - not on that open forum - after a little while and some
more general chatting with other people on-line at the time, she agreed and had the forum administrator send her email address - - - 

After a very nervous first few hours chatting together, question and answer time, we both became far more relaxed with each other and chatted about things in general.

Next MAJOR step was the use of both of us turning on our webcams - - - that went OK and much to my surprise, she didn't make any  excuses or cut me off !!!      

More that that, she was / is stunningly beautiful - both inside and outside !!! 
Settled a few details up at was my home, applied for a visa and jumped on a jet landing at Tan Son Nhat,   Sai Gon.

Time and patience, plus a LOT of learning about thinking and doing things the way the Vietnamese do things. Learning the past history of the peoples and the true history of the country of Viet Nam has proved to be not only very educational - but very, very well worth it !!!   

I don't kid myself for a moment, I was unbelievably fortunate to meet, and win the heart of an ANGEL who just happens to be walking the earth at this time !!!   

P.S. - I'm not rich or good looking at all !!!  Just relied on being 100% open and honest with her about everything in my past.   

WOW - pretty much the same for me, except the first sentence of your P.S.

Congratulations to both Flip and VNDreamer.  Whatever steps you've used to build an authentic relationship with your respective spouses and however long it took you to reach the goal, you did it well.  Rejoice ! 

THANK YOU VERY MUCH !   

For myself, having the trust and love of such a totally wonderful wife has made everything well worth while !!!

My only 'complaint', as such, is that now she's decided to improve herself and is doing her 'MASTER'S at university - meaning we spend a few hours each week less time in each others arms, out at dinner or a show.   

As long as she's happy - I don't really mind though !!!   

Unlike my 'EX' and just about every other 'western' woman I've ever heard of - I can always be 100% sure that there is absolutely NO way that she will ever cheat, lie or do anything to hurt me - SERIOUSLY, what more could an man ask for ???   

If there was ever a case of a 1000% chance that anything will happen to upset our lives.   

In relation to Vietnamese women and adultery, people may be surprised at statistics put out about this.

Flip465 wrote:

Unlike my 'EX' and just about every other 'western' woman I've ever heard of - I can always be 100% sure that there is absolutely NO way that she will ever cheat, lie or do anything to hurt me - SERIOUSLY, what more could an man ask for ???   

With me it is exactly the same, regardless of which horror stories are always spread here in the forum.

Vietnam's New Adultery Law Could Put You In Jail For Cheating

https://saigoneer.com/vietnam-news/6479 … r-cheating

vndreamer wrote:

WOW - pretty much the same for me, except the first sentence of your P.S.

Me three

colinoscapee wrote:

In relation to Vietnamese women and adultery, people may be surprised at statistics put out about this.

Can you provide references?

Jim-Minh wrote:

colinoscapee wrote:

In relation to Vietnamese women and adultery, people may be surprised at statistics put out about this.

Can you provide references?

Do a search online, there are some websites discussing this.

I googled "Vietnamese women and adultery" and didn't come up with much.

I am very good at googling for information and came up with very little.

If you found something perhaps you could share your search term.

Jim-Minh wrote:

I googled "Vietnamese women and adultery" and didn't come up with much.

I am very good at googling for information and came up with very little.

If you found something perhaps you could share your search term.

Try typing in; "Adultery in Vietnam: statistics."   
   A few sites cover statistics...  'The cost of infidelity' is a good read...
  ..despite the Christian 'sin' bias...


The Cost of Infidelity – reachingvietnam.com
reachingvietnam.com › Learn

Others on the same page:

   https://www.ft.com/content/60466878-d39 … 144feab49a

factsanddetails.com/southeast-asia/Vietnam/sub5_9c/entry-3388.html

https://www.refworld.org/docid/56d7ffc64.htmlhttps://www.unicef.org/eapro/bao_cao_to … enganh.pdf

   (etc)

Jim-Minh wrote:

I googled "Vietnamese women and adultery" and didn't come up with much.

I am very good at googling for information and came up with very little.

If you found something perhaps you could share your search term.

Your search skills are letting you down.

https://www.asialifemagazine.com/vietna … n-vietnam/

Adultery in Vietnam: Statistics is from Asia Life

-- Colin typed faster than I.

Ciambella wrote:

Adultery in Vietnam: Statistics is from Asia Life

-- Colin typed faster than I.

That was just the first one that came up, there were several others I have read over the years.

Flip465 wrote:

You really think that ????     

Hell !!!!!   i honestly can't think of even one VN guy going to the same gym that I use daily, who hasn't boasted at one time or another, about the 'other' woman he's picked up and is using behind his wife's back (and the family as well) !!!!   

In truth, quite a few of the other male members of the Club think that I'm a bit 'strange' because over the past 7 years, I've never, even once, thought about cheating on my BEAUTIFUL VN WIFE !!!!   

:

Just curious.
Do you think you are seeing a cross section of VN men in your gym?

In the same vein, how many VN women are staying in D1 hotels on any given night?

My point is that these people are not "normal", they are 1 or 2% of the population. So, it's a bit much to make any conclusions based on such data.

My question is how reliable are these statistics?   I did a quick search on infidelity in the USA and the results were very different.  For Example:

"When asked “Did you ever commit infidelity while you were married?” 36% of our male participants and 21% of our female participants answered yes. When asked “Did your spouse ever commit infidelity,” 58% of men and 65% of women answered yes."

COMPARED TO:

"Statistics on Infidelity Rate and More:

    Surveys show that 22% of married men have committed an adulterous act at least once in their life
    14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives"

Thus, it appears the audience is a big factor in the results and how does one factor in lying about not having an affair?  One fact that can be derived from these stats is that it appears that the husband cheats more than the wife.

Check out these stats in America (interesting that the medical fields with highest divorce rates are psychiatrists and marriage counselors :


Below are compiled statistics on infidelity and marriage:

Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%

Percentage of "arranged marriages" (where parents pick their sons or daughters spouses) that end in divorce: 3%

Medical field(s) with the highest divorce rate: psychiatrists and marriage counselors

Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%

Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%

Average length of an affair: 2 years

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

vndreamer - sort of interesting that those stats you quoted are from the USA study. 

At least I find it interesting, as a 'westerner' who's been put through the 'western' court system - ie - the woman gets everything and the man gets all the bills - forever - - at least that's the way it seems to work from what I've seen.

OK - as I posted before, my wife comes from a very old fashioned, Buddhist, traditional family - with all of the 'old fashioned' Asian ideas of 'family honor' and personally 'saving face' are still considered far more important than anything else !  ( including money ! )

Of course, a lot of you won't believe that to be possible - but just occasionally it really can happen, could be more so away from the bigger cities ( I think  )   

First off, future M-i-L refused to even acknowledge my existence - including at family dinners and other celebrations of any sort. 
Second stage, grand parents, on both sides, gently gave me the 'third degree' - with the three sisters doing the interpreting, both ways to all questions and answers.  NOW, that was 'interesting' too say the least !!!
Finally my 'BETTER HALF' produced a letter from one of the highest ranking officer's of the 'State Security Police of Viet Nam'.   
It turned out that the good officer's wife and my 'BETTER HALF' had been shopping daily for the usual food, drinks, etc. for about two or three weeks. 
My 'BETTER HALF' was being unwittingly, pumped for information about myself and what I was doing back in VN after spending two  years here during the 'American War.

Seems that I must have passed, because the letter was full of praise for my honesty and the way I had been seen treating the Vietnamese people around Sai Gon, Vung Tau, Ben Hoa, Ba Rai, Vinh Long, Xuan Loc, and a few other places that things didn't exactly go very well for us during the American War days, - all this seemed to now work in my favor. 
Turns out that the Công an Nhân dân Việt Nam ( Vietnam People's Security Force )  knew more about what I got up to in my army days - than my own army did !!!  Probably just as well or I would have spent a LOT longer in the stockade than I did. 

These days I spend most of my time doing volunteer work with some of the 'street kids' at a nearby pagoda - free (but limited) basic English and maths, mainly.
The kids are GREAT !!! They absorb everything I can teach them, never stop asking questions, best of all - no-one gives a damn about that, long ago now, war. 

I find this sort of 'work' to be most satisfying and rewarding. 

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Diazo wrote:

Good job. Many have a desired purpose in mind. Sometimes it will be what you can do. But for many they want more then you are willing to do. The best thing, like you, go slow and probe. It will surface eventually. Hopefully before the marriage. This folks are adroit at the game.

I'm just kind of looking to play around and maybe get a gf first. Not looking to get married...yet.

But the Philippines has spoiled me rotten with the easy nooky. Viet girls have much stronger resolve and are more savvy it seems than pinays. Plus Viet girls don't usually put out too quickly so I'll have to date around first.

Update - I've been hooking up with this one girl as of late. Seems very open minded and wants to keep it casual which is A-ok with me. She's very average but very liberated which makes up for it.

Been also dating around as well and it's such a pain. I really don't like sitting for multiple dates at a coffee shop talking about what I do, why I chose to work here instead of home, how much I pay for rent, etc.  I'd rather cut that short and have them meet me in the residential area I live in to really thin the nonserious, disingenuous girls and perhaps establish something casual first and then more later.

I do often get girls that come over easily but they aren't interested in fun and want to meet over and over again for boring chit chat or suggest I come to faraway lands of Phu Nhuan or Binh Thanh haha. The dating culture here is slow but I am coping.

I'll be giving some respectful, periodic updates along with my commentary. I hope they are appreciated and help some guys out with the process.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Diazo wrote:

Good job. Many have a desired purpose in mind. Sometimes it will be what you can do. But for many they want more then you are willing to do. The best thing, like you, go slow and probe. It will surface eventually. Hopefully before the marriage. This folks are adroit at the game.

I'm just kind of looking to play around and maybe get a gf first. Not looking to get married...yet.

But the Philippines has spoiled me rotten with the easy nooky. Viet girls have much stronger resolve and are more savvy it seems than pinays. Plus Viet girls don't usually put out too quickly so I'll have to date around first.

Update - I've been hooking up with this one girl as of late. Seems very open minded and wants to keep it casual which is A-ok with me. She's very average but very liberated which makes up for it.

Been also dating around as well and it's such a pain. I really don't like sitting for multiple dates at a coffee shop talking about what I do, why I chose to work here instead of home, how much I pay for rent, etc.  I'd rather cut that short and have them meet me in the residential area I live in to really thin the nonserious, disingenuous girls and perhaps establish something casual first and then more later.

I do often get girls that come over easily but they aren't interested in fun and want to meet over and over again for boring chit chat or suggest I come to faraway lands of Phu Nhuan or Binh Thanh haha. The dating culture here is slow but I am coping.

I'll be giving some respectful, periodic updates along with my commentary. I hope they are appreciated and help some guys out with the process.

Are you really the OP who started this thread?

.
"Are you really the OP who started this thread?"

Ease up, OB. 

We all learn more from our mistakes than free advice

Some of us even become better from being bad   
.

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Nielsen Flute wrote:

Diazo wrote:

Good job. Many have a desired purpose in mind. Sometimes it will be what you can do. But for many they want more then you are willing to do. The best thing, like you, go slow and probe. It will surface eventually. Hopefully before the marriage. This folks are adroit at the game.

I'm just kind of looking to play around and maybe get a gf first. Not looking to get married...yet.

But the Philippines has spoiled me rotten with the easy nooky. Viet girls have much stronger resolve and are more savvy it seems than pinays. Plus Viet girls don't usually put out too quickly so I'll have to date around first.

Update - I've been hooking up with this one girl as of late. Seems very open minded and wants to keep it casual which is A-ok with me. She's very average but very liberated which makes up for it.

Been also dating around as well and it's such a pain. I really don't like sitting for multiple dates at a coffee shop talking about what I do, why I chose to work here instead of home, how much I pay for rent, etc.  I'd rather cut that short and have them meet me in the residential area I live in to really thin the nonserious, disingenuous girls and perhaps establish something casual first and then more later.

I do often get girls that come over easily but they aren't interested in fun and want to meet over and over again for boring chit chat or suggest I come to faraway lands of Phu Nhuan or Binh Thanh haha. The dating culture here is slow but I am coping.

I'll be giving some respectful, periodic updates along with my commentary. I hope they are appreciated and help some guys out with the process.

I don't know if it is a good place to spread your sex adventures and inform the world about your trophies in this forum.

Maybe the Redcat website would be a better place for that.  There you will probably find more admirers (although there are apparently 1-2 people here who think it's cool).