How to avoid a Divorce and/or my husband taking a second wife?

Hello,
I am an American and I am not yet a convert to islam.
Lately my husband (of 7 years) and I have hit a rather large rough patch in our marriage.
I had to return to USA in March 1, 2018 (3 months) to have a surgery on my broken knee. There have been several serious other health complications from an old injury to my kidney. My health has caused delays to my return all along the way. While I am in USA I have to handle some finacial problems for my mother and help her attend to her own health concerns. This has also caused a delay as she has to do a surgery too, but is required to engage in a phyical therapy program. It has also made everything finacially tight for us in the USA and in Morocco.
My husband had to remain in Morocco due to the horrible immigration process making it impossible to have him accompany my mother and me  to USA. This has added to an already strained situation. Now my husband is suggesting our marriage is over. I believe his business partner (also an American woman) has been encouraginghim into this action.
I disagree with a divorce under these circumstances. I refuse to agree to him having a second wife as it is not legal under American law.
He has a history of alcoholism and addiction.  His business partner encourages him to engage in his addictions too. I believe that he has returned to using heavy drugs due to the lack of alcohol during Ramadan. I believe being alone with his addictions is driving him to feel this way. It also makes him violent with strangers (yes, under the influence of the drugs has been violent with me too). I fear for his safety far more than I am concerned of mine.
He tells me he is unsatisfied with our not being able to have any children of our own. We had discussed kafala, but he was not in cooperation to pay to do it legally.  A few months ago I discovered that he was using Tinder. And I believe he has been socializing with women fron the site.
Now he is not talking to me on the phone, and I was informed in a text message he is taking the rent money so he can move from our apartment in Marrakech. He will move everything into a different house that is in a village outside Marrakech. I suspect he may have found a younger girlfriend, and she may have a connections in the village where he plans to go.  I believe he has lied about our mariage and presented himself as single. His face book page says he is now single.
His moving will disolve our home of residence as I am not there to maintain it. I know aproximately the area, but am unsure where exactly he will be living when I return.  And as he is not going to pay the rent and I don't have a way to contact the owners of the apartment, I will in effect be homeless.
I seriously wish to avoid any type of divorce under these circumstances.  And, I am hoping to avoid it all together. I am an old woman with very few financial options. He has possession of everything I have in the world.

How do I ensure my husband cannot divorce me in while I am in USA and away from Morocco?

Hello Nebraska girl
There is so much I would like to discuss with you but I won't go into all that as this is your life and your choices, reading your post makes me angry, now let me get this straight, I am ANGRY FOR YOU hope you understand me, why would you want to stay with this guy ? Yes you may love him, but surely he is not committed the way you are and you must think and do what's best for you here, before it gets any worse please please be careful and make the right decision for your future, it sounds to me like he does not feel for you the way you feel for him. If he's on tinder ! That would be enough for me to give him the heave ho ! Don't throw away your life on someone who does not deserve you. He clearly does not care for you the way he should. No one likes divorce but who wants to remain in a miserable set up ? Keep your self respect and dignity before you let him destroy you do what's best and what you know is right. Take care and keep us posted good luck  :cheers:

Lynn1964 :

Hello Nebraska girl
There is so much I would like to discuss with you but I won't go into all that as this is your life and your choices, reading your post makes me angry, now let me get this straight, I am ANGRY FOR YOU hope you understand me, why would you want to stay with this guy ? Yes you may love him, but surely he is not committed the way you are and you must think and do what's best for you here, before it gets any worse please please be careful and make the right decision for your future, it sounds to me like he does not feel for you the way you feel for him. If he's on tinder ! That would be enough for me to give him the heave ho ! Don't throw away your life on someone who does not deserve you. He clearly does not care for you the way he should. No one likes divorce but who wants to remain in a miserable set up ? Keep your self respect and dignity before you let him destroy you do what's best and what you know is right. Take care and keep us posted good luck  :cheers:

I do love him.
This situation is relativly new. I believe it is all primarily drug related. He has been under the influence of some low life drug people. These were childhood friends to which he was recently reacquainted. This maybe my personal delusional idea, but sine he has been hanging with these people his demeanor has changed fron day to night. So my instincts are to try to help the man I love. It may not save our marriage,  but I can forgive him for much of this horror if he were to get off the drugs.

But the main issue is not avoiding divorce at all cost. It is just avoiding divorce under these circumstances.

I have supported our family finacially for most of our marriage.  Now my family financial situation is in a poor way. My husband now has property he owns jointly with his American business partner through their Moroccan company.

It seems to me that this is not in my best interest to simply walk away with my hat in my hand. Nor is it wise to allow him another wife.....even if it were possible and I believe since it is not legal in American law...Moroccan law is probably not going to allow him to do it. But, I am not fully sure if the fact that I am not Moroccan and not in Morocco at this moment allows some sort of loophole.

I just want to make sure he cannot divorce me without my consent while I am away taking care of my medical issues. I think we should both be represented if there is to be a divorce at some point.

I don't want him to be able to remarry while I am away without my consent too.

I do still love him. I think most issues in marriage can be reolved with effort on both parties. He was not a violent person when he was sober. So I cling to the slim hope that sobriety may destroy the monster and  return my normal husband to me. But with legal representation,  I may agree to his request to end the marriage at some point. I refuse to walk away from our life just because he found a new toy.

You have been married 7 years I see so I understand you should know him well enough to know if this is out of character for him, everyone deserves a second chance , but.. the way you talk and describe his behaviour it's like he has or you are presuming he has someone else in his life ?.. so you have supported him most of your married life I am presuming ? He should be supporting you ,especially in time of need. I believe that in Moroccan family code the husband should not take another wife without his first wife's consent, he needs this, to marry again. I am not certain but he surely can't divorce you for no good reason while your out the country. Has he asked you for a divorce or has he told you he no longer wants to continue with marriage ? This MUST be a hard time for you I hope your health and well-being is ok take care  :|

Also may I ask
Did you both discuss having children before marriage ?
And personally if you ask me he's not being a good husband if he is choosing to abandon you and throw in the towel of your marriage when you need help in any way shape or form   :blink:

Lynn1964 :

You have been married 7 years I see so I understand you should know him well enough to know if this is out of character for him, everyone deserves a second chance , but.. the way you talk and describe his behaviour it's like he has or you are presuming he has someone else in his life ?.. so you have supported him most of your married life I am presuming ? He should be supporting you ,especially in time of need. I believe that in Moroccan family code the husband should not take another wife without his first wife's consent, he needs this, to marry again. I am not certain but he surely can't divorce you for no good reason while your out the country. Has he asked you for a divorce or has he told you he no longer wants to continue with marriage ? This MUST be a hard time for you I hope your health and well-being is ok take care  :|

I can only go by what he has suggested to me about another woman. At first I thought it was just bravado and posturing because I was pushing for rehab.  But he really has been on dating sites and he does have "new" women friends on facebook. When I asked him about one he got obnoxious and told me that I just made her important enough for him to want to marry her. I could pass it off as him being drunk and nasty. 
Right now he is just saying our marriage is done. I can deal with that as needed if his words means something other than divorce.
I am glad to hear that the Moroccan family code still won't accept him to marry if I object to it.
It is a hard time and it is effecting my health. But I am a tough farm girl.

Lynn1964 :

Also may I ask
Did you both discuss having children before marriage ?
And personally if you ask me he's not being a good husband if he is choosing to abandon you and throw in the towel of your marriage when you need help in any way shape or form   :blink:

We did discuss children, it would require in vitro fertility because of a health issue I had prior to our marrige. At the time of our marriage,  my husband was not really interested in having children, now that I am approaching a point where in vitro fertility is not as really an option, he is suddenly interested in kids. We also talked about adoption back then too.  I am not sure what inspied this new found cruelty in him, but it is not the first time ner is he the first perso to abandon me in my time of need. It is heart breaking, but I will deal with that.

Ok so you now need to really put yourself before his needs, from what I gather here he to me is looking for some excuse to abandon you so he can move on. This my opinion from an outside point of view, he is adding women and scouring sites so he can move on he seems to have a plan and you are not in it !..he is using the children excuse now, and will keep finding reasons for him to divorce you and believe me he will find a way to obtain it even without your permission. I have heard of stories of men who's wife has refused him taking a second wife taking her to another town paying people to be witnesses and saying they are not married and they live double lives, it can be done if they want it bad enough. My advice to you is why waste your precious time on a man like this, he is moving on as he seems to not want you in his life, sorry but the truth hurts. This seems to be the case with this guy, you no longer give him the financial security that actually as a moroccan man he should be giving YOU!..you no longer provide him with what he wants from you, for all you know he has planned this all along. I've read so many stories , if you have not heard of the website Daniel pipes, it's worth looking at. There's a whole load of stories similar to yours. You come first, don't let anyone destroy you take care 😐

I will consider a divorce if I am there and represented.

Lynn1964 :

Ok so you now need to really put yourself before his needs, from what I gather here he to me is looking for some excuse to abandon you so he can move on. This my opinion from an outside point of view, he is adding women and scouring sites so he can move on he seems to have a plan and you are not in it !..he is using the children excuse now, and will keep finding reasons for him to divorce you and believe me he will find a way to obtain it even without your permission. I have heard of stories of men who's wife has refused him taking a second wife taking her to another town paying people to be witnesses and saying they are not married and they live double lives, it can be done if they want it bad enough. My advice to you is why waste your precious time on a man like this, he is moving on as he seems to not want you in his life, sorry but the truth hurts. This seems to be the case with this guy, you no longer give him the financial security that actually as a moroccan man he should be giving YOU!..you no longer provide him with what he wants from you, for all you know he has planned this all along. I've read so many stories , if you have not heard of the website Daniel pipes, it's worth looking at. There's a whole load of stories similar to yours. You come first, don't let anyone destroy you take care 😐

Like I said. I will consider a divorce if I am there and represented.  I do not want a divorce under these circumstances. 
I came to USA for medical care. It was never in my plan to stay. I have nothing but a few peices of clothing.  He has everything from the last 10 years of my life. It is all in Morocco. It may seem petty, but simply being married to me for 7 years should not make it all be his now.
I have no problem if he wants to move on. But half of what we had is mine

Absolutely ! Do not allow him to leave you with nothing. Your the only one who knows what you want and need to do for your sanity. I wish you good luck, don't walk away with nothing if you choose to divorce. Go to the American embassy and ask for guidance on this matter  :cheers:

Sorry your still in USA at moment. I would ask citizens advice if you can't afford a lawyer

The story seems very familiar. A moroccan male who gets married to an older American women with a single goal : get to USA, get American passport and then divorce her in order to marry a young ignorant village girl for squeezing.

Since he did not get the right to go to USA and become a USA citizen he at last showed his real face and character. Sorry to say but he never loved you.. You did.. Looks like he is trying to run away with all the goods from this relationship and you will be left out and empty handed.
my advice : don't expect any good from an evil person. Don't justify his acts of violence becouse he over drank. Don't live with hope because you will die homeless.
try to get your staff from Morocco and do the runner. If nothing is in your name then you have been a total fool and expect nothing.
it's very hard to be in your situation at your age and with your health but you will be much more happier and better off then with this scam person.. Love is blind they say and in your case is very true.. Usually Moroccon man are not good husbands to the foreigner ladies especially when they are much younger then them. It has nothing to do with love.. For then is business and they don't care if you get hurt.. Show him the 2 fingers and move on..

Here 2XL :

The story seems very familiar. A moroccan male who gets married to an older American women with a single goal : get to USA, get American passport and then divorce her in order to marry a young ignorant village girl for squeezing.

Since he did not get the right to go to USA and become a USA citizen he at last showed his real face and character. Sorry to say but he never loved you.. You did.. Looks like he is trying to run away with all the goods from this relationship and you will be left out and empty handed.
my advice : don't expect any good from an evil person. Don't justify his acts of violence becouse he over drank. Don't live with hope because you will die homeless.
try to get your staff from Morocco and do the runner. If nothing is in your name then you have been a total fool and expect nothing.
it's very hard to be in your situation at your age and with your health but you will be much more happier and better off then with this scam person.. Love is blind they say and in your case is very true.. Usually Moroccon man are not good husbands to the foreigner ladies especially when they are much younger then them. It has nothing to do with love.. For then is business and they don't care if you get hurt.. Show him the 2 fingers and move on..

I would have expected that if it were a relationship of a short time. But we have been married for 7 years, 8 if you count all the time I knew him in Morocco, 9 if you count back to when we first met. That is quite an excessive amount of time for a simple scam as you suggest.

I may be a fool. I probably am. Yes he is younger than me, but not as much as many people i have met who experience this situation you described.   

But I don't think the entire time I was with him was just about a scam. Most scammers won't invest the time my husband invested in my life.  We had some very hard times together and we had pulled ourselve out of them as a team together...even when we were apart for various reasons, we were always together. If he wanted a VISA he would still be with me. I have been trying to complete his VISA for years. If he stops mid process,  due to some complications we have encountered,  he may loose that opportunity forever.  It was not about a VISA. He never wanted one. I had to push him just to get a pass port. He hated that people always assumed he couldn't really love me. He made plenty of sacrifices himself just to stay with me. His family was a huge obstacle at times, but he would defend me often. I may have give financial support much of the time, but there were times when it was all on him. Infact he was happy when it was on him. He hated that his career went a hard way and I had to pick up the slack.  He liked supporting himself, and I loved him for his ambition.
No, Something else changed in him. He started to look to a bad way. I may never know what or why this happened. But it did. If this was a scam, he really went about it in an unproductive and bizarre way.

I just want to ensure if we divorce, that it is done with me being represented. If he wished to marry another woman, I don't care as long as he is not married to me at the time.
I love him very much, but that is not the issue either.

Thank you for you advise.  I am very hurt and angry, so I may choose to go that way too.
I will consider all my options.

May you will never really know what his intentions were from start, cos apparently they are very good actors. Who knows , some of those guys are willing to wait years to get what they want and need, and in the meantime have a plan b in action. Even if he was decent and not concocting a plan behind your back, then he is your husband of 7 years and should be standing by you now, if he truly loves you he should be supporting you. Something has happened along the way maybe as you say, but where does that leave you ? You need professional advice. Look up the number for citizens advice where you are, or maybe you could get a lawyer free of charge if you can't afford one. Don't waste any more time. Hopefully someone here can give you some advice but I'm presuming it needs to be someone who's been through same as you or a professional. Act quickly for your own sake as he as you say is moving on over there and if he's not even talking to you now, who knows what he's up to ! Take care  :|

I'm same as you in a sense no way would I accept my husband taking a second wife.  I would rather live alone without him. We deserve respect  :idontagree:

Lynn1964 :

May you will never really know what his intentions were from start, cos apparently they are very good actors. Who knows , some of those guys are willing to wait years to get what they want and need, and in the meantime have a plan b in action. Even if he was decent and not concocting a plan behind your back, then he is your husband of 7 years and should be standing by you now, if he truly loves you he should be supporting you. Something has happened along the way maybe as you say, but where does that leave you ? You need professional advice. Look up the number for citizens advice where you are, or maybe you could get a lawyer free of charge if you can't afford one. Don't waste any more time. Hopefully someone here can give you some advice but I'm presuming it needs to be someone who's been through same as you or a professional. Act quickly for your own sake as he as you say is moving on over there and if he's not even talking to you now, who knows what he's up to ! Take care  :|

I am not going to dwell on "if" he was intending fraud or not and was absurdly willing to wait years to achieve it. If that was his intention,  he knew long ago that he probably has not succeeded in those goals.
I was never a wealthy woman. I just was able to keep our family alive. He knew that from day one. I truly believe he was (and still some where deep inside) in love with me. But, I may never know for sure any of this happened.
Your advise to act quickly maybe sound. I have a friend looking into an advocate incase I need it.
It all makes me feel very sick.
I have been divorced before. My first husband was American. He was able to achieve a divorce on his own without my consent or participation. But my first husband was using an American court of law and we are currently talking about Moroccan legal system now.  I made mistakes back then that caused huge long term devistation to my life. I hope to avoid something similar now. Infact I pray to find away to avoid another divorce all together.
I just want both of us to have peace and happiness.
Either together or apart.

I feel for you so much this must be very hard. I really hope he has had good intentions all along and you can both resolve this matter. If he loved you like you say and no one can tell you otherwise as we know when someone loves us., then hopefully he still does and treats you fairly with the respect you deserve. I think you have been through enough. I wish you the very best of luck. God bless and take care. Keep us posted I would love to know all goes well for you.  :cheers:   :heart:

Dear Nebraska Girl, have you consulted an attorney? If you got married under the Moroccan law, then you should seek a legal advice so you don't lose your rights. There is also something called "family mediation" in several family courts where judges attend the session and mediate to avoid divorce (Ask someone to check at the family court in Marrakesh, I know great judges in other cities, but not in Marrakesh)

isergend :

Dear Nebraska Girl, have you consulted an attorney? If you got married under the Moroccan law, then you should seek a legal advice so you don't lose your rights. There is also something called "family mediation" in several family courts where judges attend the session and mediate to avoid divorce (Ask someone to check at the family court in Marrakesh, I know great judges in other cities, but not in Marrakesh)

This is a wonderful Idea. I will look into all that you have said. I really do wish things to not go in a bad way. I really do love my husband. I am very angry at him, but I love him.   I never wanted any of this. But I will do what I must if he wishes to continue this action.

I'm crossing my fingers for you. Keep us informed and hopefully things will be fine

Hi, Nebraska girl.

Your story has mentioned many problems, but the main one is addiction to intoxicants. Certainly you don't wanna keep hanging on to a drug addict, because he won't possibley be a responsible person in simple terms (untrustworthy, unreliable, and mood-flactuated).
Allow me to say that you have already put your marriage at stake when you first accepted his alcoholism. That's the real termination of your relationship. It's not the financial problem nor your being away from him.

True the presence of a third feminine party in your life might distrurb the clarity of your relationship, but don't be too jeaslous to see it clearly, Nebraska girl; as you put it in one of your comments, you're rather in love with a monster who, before long, is going to distroy everyone would come within his proximity, including his business partner. Please let him marry her with your own will. Sooner, the fancy show is going to end with the bitter reality of his ill-temper and unwise decisions.

It's a misery to live with such a person no matter how much you love him. By clinging to him, you're only going to add falmes to fire in your life. You might lose something, but it's better that worsening your own life. If you're still jealous of his business partner, let me inform you that the Moroccan law allows any male to have a second wife provided that he should prove financial  situation to be well-off. In case of financial ease, the agreement of the first wife is NOT necessary. Rich people don't encounter any legal complications. So, being a foreigner has nothing to do with the possibility of polygamy in that you were married at the Moroccan court.

Now my advice to you, if you still love him under all cost, allow him first to destroy those around him who are lurring him now. Meanwhile, allow time for him to realize his psychological state under the drug influence. I see his current situation with a very short course span, including his business and wealth. For your future, just remember this well, Nebraska Girl: YOUR MARRIAGE CANNOT BE SUCCESSFUL WITH AN ADDICT. PERIOD. He has to be a normal person first (and a REAL Muslim too, faithful to his values and principles first) before you try to fix things between the two of you. Sometimes, we need to put our emotions aside and make stricter decisions in our life, even if we don't like to.

I wish I have a been a mere pessimist here, and hope that things will work out for the best. Please don't yield to dispair in the course of events. Remember to consult with God Almighty for your best guidance. Problems are meant to happen in order to wake us up from our deep sleep.

Regards

SOULMAAN :

Hi, Nebraska girl.

Your story has mentioned many problems, but the main one is addiction to intoxicants. Certainly you don't wanna keep hanging on to a drug addict, because he won't possibley be a responsible person in simple terms (untrustworthy, unreliable, and mood-flactuated).
Allow me to say that you have already put your marriage at stake when you first accepted his alcoholism. That's the real termination of your relationship. It's not the financial problem nor your being away from him.

True the presence of a third feminine party in your life might distrurb the clarity of your relationship, but don't be too jeaslous to see it clearly, Nebraska girl; as you put it in one of your comments, you're rather in love with a monster who, before long, is going to distroy everyone would come within his proximity, including his business partner. Please let him marry her with your own will. Sooner, the fancy show is going to end with the bitter reality of his ill-temper and unwise decisions.

It's a misery to live with such a person no matter how much you love him. By clinging to him, you're only going to add falmes to fire in your life. You might lose something, but it's better that worsening your own life. If you're still jealous of his business partner, let me inform you that the Moroccan law allows any male to have a second wife provided that he should prove financial  situation to be well-off. In case of financial ease, the agreement of the first wife is NOT necessary. Rich people don't encounter any legal complications. So, being a foreigner has nothing to do with the possibility of polygamy in that you were married at the Moroccan court.

Now my advice to you, if you still love him under all cost, allow him first to destroy those around him who are lurring him now. Meanwhile, allow time for him to realize his psychological state under the drug influence. I see his current situation with a very short course span, including his business and wealth. For your future, just remember this well, Nebraska Girl: YOUR MARRIAGE CANNOT BE SUCCESSFUL WITH AN ADDICT. PERIOD. He has to be a normal person first (and a REAL Muslim too, faithful to his values and principles first) before you try to fix things between the two of you. Sometimes, we need to put our emotions aside and make stricter decisions in our life, even if we don't like to.

I wish I have a been a mere pessimist here, and hope that things will work out for the best. Please don't yield to dispair in the course of events. Remember to consult with God Almighty for your best guidance. Problems are meant to happen in order to wake us up from our deep sleep.

Regards

Thank you Soulmaan.
You offer me some great advise and it is very much in line with that I have gotten from others.  Right now my husband is completely the messed up man that you described. I cannot deny that as my reality. But, although the alcoholism has been there quite awhile, this addiction thing of his is relatively new. Both things are bad. And I should never have accepted any of it.  I was in love and foolish.

I am in love with the man he was. I am praying that he will find his way to be that man again. But I am pragmatic and I recognize that he may never choose to get better. After a couple weeks of crying over this insanity.  I am more accepting the situation. 

I am not really wanting to hold onto him as he is. I love him, and I want to help him get better, but he doesn't want that now.  There is nothing I can do for him from here in USA. Unless he is willing to let me help him. I will not financially support him if I am not living with him.

My husband's business partner maybe an American woman like me, but she is not who he wants to marry. His business partner is his meal ticket, but she is not in business with him to make money. She is an addict too. She wants the residence status the company offers her. She has taken my husband's side, so we are nolonger friends. It was her choice. But romance was never between her and my husband. She is involved with another (American) man who is also an addict.  She is even older than me. That means is just as unlikely to have anymore children anymore than I am. Appearantly that is his grounds for our divorce. He suddenly wants children. 

My husband was dating a 40-ish local woman that he met on a dating App. She has a good career and seemed somewhat smart and financially stable. I found her on Facebook and surprisingly made friends of her just so I could speak to her. I was a bad wife and told her every detail of our marriage and his personal life. I was very angry and after 7 years I know all his bad secrets. Obviously,  he had lied to her about many things about me and my life with him. She didn't want to believe me, but she must have looked into what I told her. I believe she may have rejected him once she verified many things were true, but I really don't know if he is still trying to see her or not. Not surprisingly, she eventually unfriended me after I told her I was not going to agree to a divorce. This woman is not significant to my situation with my husband anyway. If she is willing to degrade herself to be a second wife of a poor middle-aged alcoholic drug addicted man, that is her foolishness. She was warned and that was a difficult kindness for me to offer her.

Financially, our family is not sitting well at all anymore. He is not wealthy and no one in his family was ever wealthy. His father was a French professor.  He currently does not earn enough money to support himself let alone me (his first wife) and certainly not a second wife nor any children they may have. The company owns a farm property where his business partner is building a villa. It is not ever going to be a crop producer. He is earning a bit from arranging that construction for her.

After researching how divorce works in Morocco, I really don't think he even has money to pay a lawyers to file the divorce paperwork. He has been pushing for me to do it, but I don't have the money nor the desire.  I feel if he wants this divorce, he will need to figure out how to get that money himself, then there will be the fines to pay to the court.  He will be filing without my consent. 

I have forgiven him many sins over the years of our marriage.  If he pulls himself together and asks for my return. I will obey only because at this moment, I love him. But, I don't think his mind is thinking that way while he is choosing to live intoxicated.  I will do what I can to survive here in America with my mother. I will wait and see what he does. I cannot see any benefit to me in getting a divorce. I am not interested in another man in my life.  I understand it may happen whether I want it or not. As for his second marriage,  as long as I don't have her live in my house....whatever....if he figures out how to make it happen, it is what happens. I doubt a Moroccan woman who is seeking children will stay with an abusive addicted poor man for long.

This situation is bizarre at best. A divorce does no harm, but neither does it do much good for anyone. I pray many times each day that this will work out. I wish my husband no harm. I love him and I always will. But I agree, right now I am better off without him.

Thank you for your supportive words. May God bless you.

I appreciate your time explaining your situation in exact details time and again to everyone on the forum. I believe this will meanwhile give you some relief pouring out your heart of the negative thoughts and unnecessary worries. Also, this must have shed, by now, light on many angles of this domestic story of yours... Good idea seeking advice on a forum! (I never thought of it during my bitter divorce).

Well, since he's not at ease financially, your approval for his second marriage is mandatory per the Moroccan law. The latter does NOT agree of causing financial inconvenience for the first spouse unless she fully understands and agrees (under no pressure) to the new spousal situation of her husband. However, if infertility is from your part, the law can grant him the right to marry in order for him to be able to have children. But he has to prove it too. If it is from his part, there nothing he can do unless he divorces you first. The burden is on him now.

Of course, we intend no harm for him and hope that his situation will get better and back to normal as the old days you still have in memory. However, I personally don't see this as easily possible except with The Will of God Alone.
So, pray to Him if you still deeply in love with your husband.

I wish you every success in the process, Nebraska Girl.

Best reply and advice.

SOULMAAN :

I appreciate your time explaining your situation in exact details time and again to everyone on the forum. I believe this will meanwhile give you some relief pouring out your heart of the negative thoughts and unnecessary worries. Also, this must have shed, by now, light on many angles of this domestic story of yours... Good idea seeking advice on a forum! (I never thought of it during my bitter divorce).

Well, since he's not at ease financially, your approval for his second marriage is mandatory per the Moroccan law. The latter does NOT agree of causing financial inconvenience for the first spouse unless she fully understands and agrees (under no pressure) to the new spousal situation of her husband. However, if infertility is from your part, the law can grant him the right to marry in order for him to be able to have children. But he has to prove it too. If it is from his part, there nothing he can do unless he divorces you first. The burden is on him now.

Of course, we intend no harm for him and hope that his situation will get better and back to normal as the old days you still have in memory. However, I personally don't see this as easily possible except with The Will of God Alone.
So, pray to Him if you still deeply in love with your husband.

I wish you every success in the process, Nebraska Girl.

I have always wanted more children. I believe my husband once would have made a wonderful father. He knew when he married me that because of a previous illness the only way I could have another child was if we were to engage in vitro fertility treatments. From the beginning my husband has avoided us them. To avoid doing what it took to get mr pregnant He used the excuse of my health conditions making things a risk to my life. I would like to believe this a truth.
It would be a huge blow to my dignity, because I am not wishing to share my husband with another wife. , But if it were possible to use the woman  so we could have children and she would be respectful to me, suppose I might consider an agreement for a second wife. He would have to be honest about, her to me, and honest to me about her, and he would have to provide for her financially on his own.
Tjis is his responsibility.  I think it time he choose the tight path in lfe. What he is doing to me and or family is wrong.
Yet, I love hime and want peace in our family.

That is something I could never accept, as much as I love my husband I could not agree to him sharing his life with another woman, as to me a marriage is between 2 people, if he was not happy or content with me alone, then no matter my love for him I would have to let him go. I could not share and accept him loving another. I would rather be alone. I also think that if a man truly loves a woman, he would not desire another. As true love is for one person hopefully you can resolve this asap

Lynn1964 :

That is something I could never accept, as much as I love my husband I could not agree to him sharing his life with another woman, as to me a marriage is between 2 people, if he was not happy or content with me alone, then no matter my love for him I would have to let him go. I could not share and accept him loving another. I would rather be alone. I also think that if a man truly loves a woman, he would not desire another. As true love is for one person hopefully you can resolve this asap

I don't think love is a matter of just one person loving one person in life. We don't just love one child in a family and ignore the rest. I know marriage is not the same as a parent child relationship, but it is about family dinamic , and there in is the similarities. I love my husband, I want to believe he still loves me, but I think he maybe able to love another too.
I don't have to enjoy it.
I am really not interested in sharing my husband with other women, but no one seems to be concerned about my choices here.
My husband and I are not even living on the same continent let alone in the same house. So it is  my perspective that getting a divorce is kind of a waste of time and money.  It seems he has the right by law, to take another wife simply to have a child....assuming he can afford to do it.  I doubt he can afford it, but if he can, it matters not to me what he does 5000 miles away. As long as he is choosing one of these options, I doubt he will be asking me to come home.  I will not pay for any of this.
Right now I dont believe he  he can afford to pay the court for a divorce, I cannot see it he can show enough income to the court to establish an ability to support a second wife.
So if he must, it all seems hypothetical. 
Maybe at some point I will go back to Morocco and get the divorce myself. But, right now I am not interested in getting involved with a new man, so a divorce to me just seems more effort than it is worth.  I have had several sources tell me that I have almost no options in all this. So....so be it.

According to American law, because I am his first wife, as long as we are married, in America I am his only legal wife. But  Moroccan law is different from American law. I may have the choice to agree or to object, but even if I object he still maybe able to get the divorce, or he maybe able to have 2 wives.

If the choice is either me paying for an expensive divorce I don't care to have, or simply agreeing for him to pay for his own poligamy marriage....ok.....Whatever, It looks like he get everything in life and I get less than nothing in the end either way.

I am hoping this all takes so long to achieve,  that we can rectify some of our problems. He maybe in a drug/alcohol induced midlife crisis at the moment, but I do love him and I want him to get better.

You do have the choice of not having to be the one to pay for it, unfortunately he is the one who can make the choices with or without your consent within the moudwana Moroccan family code. But, as you say even without your permission he must be able to support you AND the second wife plus any children. If I were you right now, I would sit back to see what decisions he is going to make. If he wants divorce let him pay, then your free to move on. If he wants to stay and you agree to a second wife, then he needs to find the finances first to be able to do this, but...are you honestly willing to live your life in this way ? If it were me and he made the choice of second wife , I would not return to morocco and I would also not pay for the divorce. He would be free to carry on his life with the other wife but he wouldn't see me again and he would need to apply and pay for the divorce if that's what he wanted, and I would get him out of my head and out of my life for my sanity. Good luck

Lynn1964 :

You do have the choice of not having to be the one to pay for it, unfortunately he is the one who can make the choices with or without your consent within the moudwana Moroccan family code. But, as you say even without your permission he must be able to support you AND the second wife plus any children. If I were you right now, I would sit back to see what decisions he is going to make. If he wants divorce let him pay, then your free to move on. If he wants to stay and you agree to a second wife, then he needs to find the finances first to be able to do this, but...are you honestly willing to live your life in this way ? If it were me and he made the choice of second wife , I would not return to morocco and I would also not pay for the divorce. He would be free to carry on his life with the other wife but he wouldn't see me again and he would need to apply and pay for the divorce if that's what he wanted, and I would get him out of my head and out of my life for my sanity. Good luck

This is pretty much where I am at. I enjoyed life in Morocco, but I probably won't have the opportunity to live there with or without him as long as he is pushing things this way. Only time will tell. I never expected to have to reestablish a life in USA. I have been with my family overseas for years. I am not even sure how to get a job anymore.  But that is exactly the reality I face. And I will face it.

From everything I am learning about the Moroccan family code (the moudwana), everything he is wanting to do requires a significant financial commitment on his part. For now,  I believe he doesn't have the legitimate means to show he earns those funds. He is pretty much living hand to mouth in his career. Also, His addictions keep him rather financially strapped for cash. I was keeping our home functioning. His actions have ended this. Eventually things will get difficult for him. I suspect he will start selling things to survive.

I think I may have time to figure out my life before he can do anything legally there in Morocco. My mother keeps telling me to let him hit the "rock bottom" point.  She thinks he will then see life more clearly. Maybe then we can rebuild what remains of our family.

In the mean time, I will not pay for any of this unless I see a benefit to me. Right now there is no benefit to me in anyway shape or form.

I love him, and I probably always will. But, I cannot fix this problem by myself. I just hope he doesn't do a foolish move that will get him (and some poor girl) in troubles. If he breaks the law, I have my rights, any injured persons  has rights, no one has to tollerate this. I don't have to either and I may use those rights against him. It depends on the situation and weather an innocent child will be harmed.

He does have a few foreign friends. Some are or were my friends, but others are not.  If he crys to enough of them, someone may take pitty on him and fund him, I am not sure why someone who is rationally thinking would do this, but I have seen people do the worst things in the name of charity. It really depends on what he has told them, so I suppose it is possible that he may convince someone to pay the court fees for him. This is what i was hoping to figure out how to avoid, but i have to accept That is not a thing I can control.

I cry for him because he is my family. I pray for him because he is my family.  I love him because he is my family. I will forgive him because he is my family.
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS.

May God answer your prayers and may he see sense and realise he is losing a good wife here, unfortunately that may be too late for him. We don't like to bad mouth and criticize our loved ones, and we want what's best for them too, but there comes a time when you stand back and start to see things from a different perspective, and when you realise you are being used mistreated and disrespected after doing so much for someone, that's when you have to distance yourself to see if they love you enough to come back apologise and make it up to you, if not...we must move on as it becomes toxic to us. I understand how awful this must be for you. Keep us posted

Thank you, Baijad.

Lynn1964 :

May God answer your prayers and may he see sense and realise he is losing a good wife here, unfortunately that may be too late for him. We don't like to bad mouth and criticize our loved ones, and we want what's best for them too, but there comes a time when you stand back and start to see things from a different perspective, and when you realise you are being used mistreated and disrespected after doing so much for someone, that's when you have to distance yourself to see if they love you enough to come back apologise and make it up to you, if not...we must move on as it becomes toxic to us. I understand how awful this must be for you. Keep us posted

I am very conflicted about what I want. In many ways I am very afraid of the person he has become. Yes I want my husband to be as he once was, but after this, I think even if he recovers from this madness,  he will not be exactly as he was. I will not be exactly as I was around him either. It is as if I have been burned by a handle on hot pot. Now  evey time I see that pot on the stove, I expect the handle to be hot even if the fire is off.
I hope he will come back and regret his actions and apologize.  But, if he stays drunk or high, that is not so likely to hapoen. The addiction usually make the addict emotionally blind to the plight of others.
Distance is the one thing I do have. I kerp trying to stay in contact,  but we are 5000 miles apart. It is not likely he will be knocking on my or me onto his door anytime soon. Sometimes he talks to me on the Internet.  I usually feel better when he does call me, but mostly he is too wrapoed up in life to talk.
It is hard. I do love him.

Very sad situation that i do hope for your sake gets resolved in one way or another soon as you cant stay in this situation for long , not good for your overall well-being take care

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