Announcing a pregnancy late

It is not customary to announce a pregnancy that late.  It is more customary to announce early due to the news being a "tin vui" happy news that would need to share among friends and relatives.

@yng68bld Thank you very, very much! I needed to hear this from someone who knows the culture.

    Dear forum user,
My brother has a Vietnamese girlfriend. She told him late (in the 4th month) that she was pregnant. She said it is customary in Vietnam. Is it true? Do girlfriends/wives announce the pregnancy so late?

Best regards,
Monica
   

    -@mzugravu38

It's interesting if she used the word “customary“, because I truly don't believe (and my Vietnamese wife agrees) that there is a "custom“ in Vietnam that covers the nebulous relationship of “boyfriend & girlfriend“ when a pregnancy occurs.

Yes, it's becoming much more common these days, but it's still not considered "customary".

We both agree that the specific circumstances of their relationship will determine how quickly the event is shared with the foreigner father and the Vietnamese family & friends.

Are these people simply getting together on a regular basis or does he live at her place or she sleeps over at his place, or do they live together on the same lease?

How long have they been together?

The shorter their relationship, the less likely she may want to admit she's pregnant.

I assume they aren't engaged, but maybe she has been "watching and waiting" (apologies to J.Hayward/R.Thomas) to see if he's at all interested in marriage.

Is he here on a tourist visa or does he have a Temporary Resident Card? She might have been waiting to see if he would return from the next visa border run.

As an unmarried woman, she might have been considering pregnancy termination, trying to make up her mind if she would keep the baby (abortions are fairly easy to get here).

Is your brother happy about the pregnancy or is he expressing distrust and uncertainty about what he wants to do?

Maybe she was simply afraid to tell him until they'd gotten to know each other better.

My wife and I both agree that if the couple has been living for a significant amount of time as man & wife or committed partners, then the woman would be much more likely to tell the father sooner rather than later; just as would be expected in a traditional marriage.

Hi Monica, I'm interested in Vietnamese culture and traditions. About your brother's girlfriend who told him about her pregnancy in the fourth month. I wonder if this is a common practice in Vietnam or if it depends on personal preference. Do you know why she waited so long to tell him? Is there any superstition or taboo related to announcing pregnancy early? How did your brother react to the news? I would appreciate it if you could share more details about your experience

@justdavid

Did you even read her post?

She is asking about the customs in Vietnam, so how will she be able to help you??????

@justdavid

https://www.expat.com/forum/viewtopic.p … 86#5792187

@OceanBeach92107 My brother has a Vietnamese girlfriend. She said she doesn't want kids. My brother wants kids. They live separately. His Vietnamese girlfriend told him very late she's pregnant (she postponed taking pregnancy tests) and then said it is a culture in Vietnam to announce the pregnancy late. I, personally, don't believe that. My brother wants to marry her, but I think there's something fishy here. If she didn't want kids, why didn't she use contraception? As a woman, how come she didn't know she was pregnant by month 2?

    @OceanBeach92107 My brother has a Vietnamese girlfriend. She said she doesn't want kids. My brother wants kids. They live separately. His Vietnamese girlfriend told him very late she's pregnant (she postponed taking pregnancy tests) and then said it is a culture in Vietnam to announce the pregnancy late. I, personally, don't believe that. My brother wants to marry her, but I think there's something fishy here. If she didn't want kids, why didn't she use contraception? As a woman, how come she didn't know she was pregnant by month 2?
   
    -@mzugravu38

Dear Aunt Mzugravu38,

Since nothing about their relationship is "traditional", she can say pretty much anything is a cultural norm for their situation and not be proven wrong.

I'd advise taking off your sister glasses and look at this as you might if you were reading a story about two strangers for the first time.

Then decide how long you'll retain a toxic view of your future sister-in-law, the mother of your niece or nephew to be.

(Congratulations, BTW 🎉)

O.B.

She can say anything is a norm? That's lying. It's making things up. That's called lying. I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt, by the way. We have to wait for the paternity test. Since they don't live together, she could have slept with anyone. She lives more than an hour-drive from my brother.

@OceanBeach92107 So, since there is no norm about beauty, I would say that only blue-eyed people are beautiful. That's a norm. Wouldn't I be lying? Oh, yes. That's the same case with my brother's girlfriend saying anything she thinks is a norm. Please use your logic, OceanBeach92107! What you just said means she's lying, because she's creating a "norm." She says it's customary in Vietnam, when it isn't.

    @OceanBeach92107 So, since there is no norm about beauty, I would say that only blue-eyed people are beautiful. That's a norm. Wouldn't I be lying? Oh, yes. That's the same case with my brother's girlfriend saying anything she thinks is a norm. Please use your logic, OceanBeach92107! What you just said means she's lying, because she's creating a "norm." She says it's customary in Vietnam, when it isn't.
   

    -@mzugravu38

This is not Deutschland (I know because I lived there for 5 years).

Obviously your brother understands that ("wants to marry her") and isn't willing to die on that hill, since the bottom line is, he's getting exactly what he wants (for now).

No amount of Western logic will likely change his mind, nor will it help you understand what she did and why she did it.

If their situation is a mess, it's because he helped create it by not doing what's "customary and traditional".

Hopefully you'll come to accept and support whatever he chooses to do.

...and I'm not attempting to say that she sounds absolutely truthful, but the time to start seriously doubting the veracity of her statements was probably way back when she first said that she didn't want to have children.

...I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt, by the way. We have to wait for the paternity test. Since they don't live together, she could have slept with anyone.
    -@mzugravu38

Don't expect her to be scared of a paternity test.

In fact, she'll likely welcome it, as soon as possible:

(from Google AI experiment "Bard")

Children born on or after January 1, 2000

Children born abroad to a German citizen on or after January 1, 2000 will automatically acquire German citizenship if at least one parent has been legally and habitually resident in Germany for eight years and has a permanent right of residence at the time of the child's birth.

If she didn't want kids, why didn't she use contraception? As a woman, how come she didn't know she was pregnant by month 2?

I would like to ask you a question in return: if your brother knew she didn't want kids (in your story, she did tell him) why didn't *he* use contraception? I'm a bit puzzled about why you seem to be blaming her 100% for the situation, as if your brother were an innocent bystander. Most of what's happening seems to be a symptom of the real problem: your brother made a very bad choice.

@WillyBaldy I think you are right. I am not accusing her, but I know there are instances of her lying, like there's a custom in Vietnam to announce the pregnancy around 4 months. I don't agree with my brother's choice. As an Orthodox Christian, I am against contraception. However, since she's not really faithful to any religion, I don't understand why she didn't use contraception, if she said she doesn't want kids. It's just the fact that my brother and her slept too early together (after one month), before getting to know each other. And announcing the pregnancy late makes me suspect she slept with someone else and was trying to find a suitable father for the child.

@OceanBeach92107 It was just a hypothesis with the blue eyes. I just wanted to prove that making up a norm is lying. You are right about doubting this Vietnamese woman, eversince she said she doesn't want kids, didn't use contraception and got pregnant. There are more instances to distrust her, but I came on the forum to find out if it is normal to announce a pregnancy that late to your boyfriend/husband in Vietnam.

As an Orthodox Christian, I am against contraception.

I respect your religious beliefs, but aren't you also against sex before marriage then? Which is what your brother did.

    @OceanBeach92107 It was just a hypothesis with the blue eyes. I just wanted to prove that making up a norm is lying. You are right about doubting this Vietnamese woman, eversince she said she doesn't want kids, didn't use contraception and got pregnant. There are more instances to distrust her, but I came on the forum to find out if it is normal to announce a pregnancy that late to your boyfriend/husband in Vietnam.-@mzugravu38

I'd kindly suggest that you came to the forum with blinders on, and you're definitely not the first relative of a foreigner in Vietnam who has become alarmed, watching their kinsman seemingly throwing his valuable life away because of the deceptive and ill-motivated ways of some worthless Vietnamese wench...

Obviously, you haven't used those exact words, but it's clear from your expressed attitude that you (an Orthodox Christian female) have absolutely zero compassion for this woman and have zero interest in putting yourself in her shoes in order to fully comprehend what's transpired between her and your dear, dear, faultless brother.

I'm chrismated Orthodox (GOARCH) and it's sad to see you using your faith to amp yourself up in this discussion while failing to show a spark of O.C. compassion toward the mother of your nephew/niece.

Someday you'll meet that child face-to-face, and I wonder if you'll tell the story of how you judged their mother to be a wh*re before ever meeting her?