Tips and advice to thrive in Hungary

Tips and advice, I'll dive in first.
I think one really needs a sense of humor and a sense of adventure or you won't make it for long.
It helps allot if you have family or friends that are Hungarian , it makes some things more logical at the beginning.
If not, getting advice from other ex pats and making a few friends is a good idea.
I have made friends with people from the UK in HU.
I love hearing about how they see HU as people with no family connections in HU.They came to HU for different reasons then I did.
Personally I have been visiting and living in HU since 1978.
Retired there about 6 years ago but have owned property there for over 10 years.
Having a HU husband probably as given me a different perspective on HU life then people who come to HU for a job only.
I never really feel at home ever in HU, comfortable maybe but never really truly feel at home.
Probably the language barrier but I am also a bit of a loner, love to be around people but am good with down time too.
I have never really picked up much of the HU language even in over 40 some years time. Going back and forth home to the US, I usually forget everything I learned and have to try and pick it up again.
Too many family get together's where I misused HU has turned me off to trying, no big deal my husband is my go between.
It is not an easy language and most people who do think they can speak it really can't. At least that is what i have heard from the locals, heavy accents using the wrong form etc. makes me not even what to try such a hard language any longer.
Have about a hundred words under my belt and I am ok with that. if anything is more serious then my limited HU allows, then I need more help then just language.
I am excepted by Hungarians, had a few HU girlfriends in the past, not so close to them these days but they were 20 some years my jr. and single ladies, wouldn't be long friends with anyone anywhere really if we were that different.
We met at a ladies only gym where I was the only non Hungarian in the gym, been to several of these style gyms over the years in and around Budapest, took a yoga class in Erd that was nice but held in Hungarian, not as easy as it sounds.
Most people just assumed I was Hungarian since I went along with the class no problem but afterwards when everyone gathered to talk or say good bye, I stood out like a sore thumb.
Not really a problem  we had something in common, staying fit and having fun.
Have to be willing to put yourself out there if you want to mix with locals in HU. If you tend to only stay with ex pats all the time, you will never really feel comfortable in HU.
Have to mix it up some.
Best to never say anything too negative in HU in front of Hungarians they take it very personal if anyone should have a negative view on their country.
Right or wrong, they are always right.
Social codes, not sure about, I get on with HU in their 80's and 20's then again some people I can not put up with, nothing to do with them being Hungarian more like being just odd balls.
One thing I do find sometimes very hard to do is "restrain" myself in public places.
Hungarians to tend to hold everything in, non expressive, too cool for school as they say.
I am often told by my husband to not say hello or to not do this or that since it might break a social rule or two. I find that hard and don't feel like I am being myself, maybe I am too much for Hungary?
Things like calling someone by their first name, a women saying hello first to a man, a younger man at least. So many old fashioned social codes that most ex pats that have no family in Hungary wouldn't really know about.
Too many social restrictions for my personality.
Have to hold back and that can be hard at times.
My husband and a lady neighbor at first called each other by their last names only, they talked for months before they had a social drink and actually told each other it was alright to use first names from now on. She was only about 3 years older then my husband.
When does that ever happen these days in the US? Probably never.
Just saying the rules are different in HU and breaking them, even if unknowingly can be a issue.
To fit in to the HU lifestyle one has to know what is expected from you.
I love dressing my own way, always have, wearing blue jeans and funky clothing at my age in Hungary has raised more then a few eyebrows in our house, I don't care but sometimes my husband let's me know I may stand out and to be ready for looks.
People tend to put each other in boxes, just old fashioned and a hold over from the old days.
Husband tells me it is a good thing, not letting people too close to you is what is expected in Hungary, even the language keeps people at a distance.



If all else fails, a few glasses of good red wine makes everything better.

Here is one example of social codes, HU vs USA
Yesterday while inside a Las Vegas casino I was at the pay out machine to cash in my husbands winnings ( lucky day made $10.!
The machine was in a very dark dim place and I didn't have my glasses in hand.
Tried to stick the payout slip in the wrong place.
A friendly black lady standing behind me was joking around with me a bit, I told her I was half blind and couldn't find the slot.
She laughed and so did the black man standing in line behind her, he was funny, really funny and bold too. He said I can help you find the right slot! He then slapped me on the back in a friendly fashion.
I laughed looking stupid for not seeing the proper place to insert the slip. I laughed and told this strange man that I had just come in from getting a haircut and with all the weight gone I was light headed.
He was flirty and funny, we all laughed in the line. He was much, much younger then I am too.
In Hungary that would never happen in a million years.
Strange young men don't joke in that way with strange old ladies.
Sad really it was fun actually to laugh at my own stupidity.
We were not even on a first name base, never had our social drink to say it was ok to talk in the first person. Wonder what the neighbors would say!

It is all quite new to me. I have had a holiday home for five years and an apartment in Budapest for two years. But I have only just retired. Prior to last year most of the time I was just making quick visits to sort out builders, bills and other tradesmen.
It made a big difference to me getting a place in Budapest because there are more things happening in the city that I want to do, such as swimming lessons , tai chi, language schools and art classes.
I am a bit of a loner but even I did not meet enough people in the countryside . My special life picked up in the city.
I suggest,
Joining a few Facebook groups and make some friends.
Take some language classes.
Use the local shops and bars.
Invite friends over to visit as much as possible.
Do some voluntary work . I volunteered to do English conversation at a course and made lots of links.
Get to know a few of your neighbours but be careful initially because the first ones that come to your door are not always the people that you want to mix with.

Hi Priscilla,

I smiled when reader your  question...Am in Hungary, practically 10 years and between I lived "children abduction" in 2009 (complicit of local authority), Nigerian scam in 2011 (11.000 euro, directly caused by state "underground" structure) and several other acts of delinquency and penal acts from administration and authority, so....
Exceptionally corrupted public life and I will never accept to adapt !
This situation should change, quickly, for the proper concern of Hungarian..!

Have a nice day.
                                                                                                Regards,  Stevan

Do note: I am in introvert, so my answers must be couched in that fact.

Priscilla wrote:

When living in a foreign country, you have to adapt to a new environment, various cultures and different social codes.

Well, yes and no. One can decide to bring their home country with them in their suitcase, and they may actually do personally better as an expat doing so (that was a paraphrase from the novel "Embers" by the Hungarian writer Sándor Márai).

Priscilla wrote:

How did you manage to adjust to Hungary?

I am not sure I exactly have. 

I still do things "my way" not the "local way". Oh well. 

Priscilla wrote:

How long does it take to feel at home? Would you say it is an easy process?

I felt instantly at home. Maybe because I like the countryside and it environment. That is, I felt at home with the geography, climate, and physical surroundings. I interact with people no more than anywhere else, so the cultural and linguistic issues are not that relevant to me (but, as a side note, I also really like Hungarian historical culture).

Priscilla wrote:

According to you, what is key for a successful integration process in Hungary?

From my note above, I am probably not a good person to give advise on this issue. Other than to say, one either loves it here, or not. Little room for middle ground views to stay here long term.

Marilyn Tassy wrote:

I am often told by my husband to not say hello or to not do this or that since it might break a social rule or two. I find that hard and don't feel like I am being myself, maybe I am too much for Hungary?

IMHO, the world is smaller today, and people everywhere need to get over some of their local peculiarities. I am not saying to disrespect a local culture, but that does not mean one must abandon one's own culture in the process.

Typically I am who I am. Take me as I am. Or not. Either is fine.

My first experience in Hungary was through my work in the film industry..I am going back 11 years...and even then was almost 70 years old..An unmarried Brit..
It was a big movie and as a Set Decorating person I had an Hungarian driver,Peter,..who transported me everywhere .Translated at the shops etc..and for 4 months was my 'nanny'.

In the meantime I fell in love with the city ..Social life centred around our 'film family'..
I decided that this is where I wanted to live..I was lucky and found a small apartment on the Buda side overlooking the river ..

I had barely moved in with the bare essentials of a bed ,a chair and table... when the call came to make a film in Colombia 'Love in The Time Of Cholera'...

I returned 3 months later in the middle of the night  jet lagged to a bare space...
and wondered what on earth I had done...Peter had gone, the film crew was no more and I knew almost no one..

Supermarkets ,and shops became a nightmare..with unwilling assistants whose only response seemed to be 'Nem'.

However my saving grace was that I can smile in every language..and  over a year or so I took advantage of the wonderful and intimate cultural events,mostly Hungarian  and began to make friends .Also make my apartment the collector-maniacs environment that I had lived with for so long in the UK...

We had small events in my 100 sq mtr river view ..Hungarians ,Japanese ,Europeans , We shared our cultures.

Eventually I would begin to learn the art of jewelry making .and take a table at a weekly Fare.

.Would sit on the jury of a film Festival...

Would create the crown for a The World Top Model 2013 event here in Budapest and sit on that jury too...and again create the Crown for 2015 held in Rome..
Maybe there is something to this business of getting older.

Would sign myself as a film extra just for the hell of it..

Would join a Christmas choir ...

Mentor young students in film making and English conversation..

For the very first time I would acquire a true,true friend ,a Chiwawa,Sophie..
Soon I will be 83 years old and am writing my bio....but will I ever complete it before 'the great call comes?'

Still I cannot speak the language ...I tried ..I took lessons until my teacher did not return one day.....It seems that even my smiles were not sufficient..

I value the British and Hungarian  cultures ,  and try to encompass the difference

This is my experience..Endlessly curious and adventurous .....Please may it continue..

I am the same way, no pretense in me at all. an open book as they say.
My husband is from the generation of Hungarians that grew up under strict social customs, born in the late 40's.
He is an easy going person but still has deep roots in custom as far as giving and getting respect. Just an old fashioned gentleman.
Most of my lady friends think he is a doll or they may think he is slightly overbearing.
He has always been nothing but a total gentleman with every lady in my family and with all of my lady friends.
He is a rare bird these days, opens doors, not car doors, he isn't crazy but having good manners is just part of his nature.
I have to put some of my easy going Calif. ways on hold in HUngary.
I have no idea why but women seem to be put on a higher standard of behavior in Hungary.
Almost a 1950's sort of mentality with ladies.
On the other hand  he will drive or walk my lady friends who are single all the way to their doorway to protect them and make sure they are safe under his care.
I don't think there are many men these days who take manners that far.
The biggest scandel in our house was when a mom and daughter got drunk  broke their window and the mom started crawling down the hallway screaming and crying.
Yes, it was too much  but live and let live as I say. I wouldn't invite   them over for high tea or anything but I don't talk rude to them like others in the house do, turn their noses up at them.
If a man did that in the house people would find an excuse for it, probably blame a women for his misery.
Just a double standard at least with the older crowd.
Being the wife of a HU has it's own set of rules as a American they do not always mesh with the way I was brought up.
I have known some of my husbands HU friends as long as I have known him, the weird old fashioned thing is we have NEVER been alone in a room, if  it should happen  his friend will leave the room on a pretense. Just their old fashioned way of respect.
A few of his friends will clam up and not talk to me if my husband is not present, really just like it used to be in the US in the 1950's. Married women are not to be spoken to if not in the company of another person. Weird, no one ever told me that but you can tell that's the way it goes in HU.
Seems so 19th century but that is just an example of how much manners are still very important in Hungary.
We knew a women who was divorced from my husbands friend. She was from a "lower class" as my husband would say, just a bit too forward and very political. She did not speak English and lived just a few blocks away from us.
I would never tell anyone who they could or couldn't talk to so I had no problem when she called at least 2 times a week on the phone to talk politics etc. with my husband.
She would talk for hours non stop. I asked him what the heck she could talk about for so long all the time. He thought it over and said she was a odd ball and he had felt sorry for her so he listened to her. He then told me he thought he was in the wrong becuase he would of not liked me on the phone for hours talking to a man. I don't talk to anyone for hours but the point was he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she was a drag. Instead he used the old blame the women thing. He told her I was jealous of her!! No way just the old fashioned way of making the women look like the bad guy. She never called again because she could understand jealousy but not her being a bore.
Most outsiders would never experience these social rules, they will cut slack because after all your just a "foreigner" what could anyone expect from you.
They have their own rules too, my mother taught us all to have manners, how to sit, walk. eat, talk but like most Americans we don't usually use them and treat everyone casually. 
Hungarians find western manners shocking, maybe it is just the people in my family that are so socially strict. They would never mix with lower class people even in the old commie days when everyone was equal or suppose to be.
I swear my mom had my two older sisters walking around the house with books on their heads  to teach them how to walk in heels. Thank goodness I had a bad knee, was off the hook.

Sort of confusing to me sometimes so I usually just mind my own business and rarely say hello to anyone who is not of my own sex.
Hard almost like having a split personality, people in HU are really not encouraged to be themselves or let it all hang out.
If they have so many social rules with each other of course they keep up a wall with strangers.
Just my experience over the years in Hungary. They still have a foot in the old class system, manners and rules are important, if you don't have them then people will say you are from a bad family.
I think that is one big reason I find living in Hungary very restrictive.
In Hawaii my husband used to be the only outsider who was taken in as a "bro" with local Hawaiians, spent hours surfing with them, spear fishing, eating raw fish just being a natural person. In Hungary sadly at times he seems to fall into the old social system, not sure why HU seems to have that effect on him. Maybe growing up in the cold war years made a big impact on him.

Filmex sounds like he has lead an interesting adventurous life.
At the moment I am living in a world of cultures, I am actually sick of "culture" Hungarian husband, Japanese DIL only in the US for 2 years, and our son the gamer.
Help!
People from so many different backgrounds in the same house with their so called "cultures" makes me long for the hills!
I find culture to be more oppression then of expanding ones mind and potential . Too many restrictions with cultures telling people how they should or shouldn't act.
My Japanese DIL is so hard to talk to, she actually never starts any conversations with us, talking with her is like pulling teeth.
I suppose her culture taught her to be quiet and in the back ground.
I am really tired of culture.

We are all so different that is all. It doesn't matter too much about culture but there are definitely extroverts and introverts. Passive , assertive and aggressive people...and I can't bear passive- aggressive people ...present in all cultures. I also hate people chomping their dinner and slurping their drinks.
Put two and two together and I am in the wrong country.

Your correct Ann there are people in every culture that either one messes with or not.
We old Hippies have to stand together though!!
Even in the US as a table games dealer in Las Vegas  we had to respect the "odd" behavior of some cultures that came to play at our casino.
No 13th floor, no hair touching, all sorts of weirdo stuff.
I think the no, 7 was a no go in a certain culture too.
Just too strange for me, I like people of all cultures that are real, down to earth and bare their souls, not too many people fit that agenda.
Over the many years of my life I have come to think that sometimes friends are more family then blood ties are.
Your stuck with family but can chose friends.

The Questions:  When living in a foreign country, you have to adapt to a new environment, various cultures and different social codes.
How did you manage to adjust to Hungary?
How long does it take to feel at home? Would you say it is an easy process?
According to you, what is key for a successful integration process in Hungary?

- I've lived on 4 continents and several more countries.  My answer is the same for each country, not specific to Hungary.  The most important aspect of living happily in a country is your own mindset.  If you point out every difference between your home country and the new country, you are living in negativity and no country will ever feel like home. You have to accept the country for what it is, not what you want it to be, not what the tour books say it is, but the reality, plus what you make it for yourself.

You also have to respect the country you are living in.  In my mind, that meant learning the language, culture, and history of the country and its people.  Hungarian is one of the most difficult languages in the world, but being able to speak conversationally will transform your experience.  I speak 5 languages because of this approach.

Some of the best ways to interact with people is through similar interests. There are plenty of clubs and activity centers (sports, fitness, tennis, as well as scholastic) where people are happy to interact.  In the end, it'll be your willingness to be open that the Hungarians and other expats will appreciate and be drawn to.

One last thing I can mention...and I'd be interested in hearing about your own experiences here... I find that for the 1st three months in a new country, it's like a honeymoon. Everything is interesting and great; everything is new and special.  Then the tide turns for the next couple of months and you strive to recreate your surroundings to what you are used to, you long for your home environment, your mother tongue, comfort foods and shared experiences with old friends. Then as you accept your new home once again, you venture out to experience it anew. This cycle of experiencing the new followed by "turtling" with something familiar happens frequently, with the intervals becoming longer and longer between the ups and downs, until you accept your new home for what it is.

What do you think?