Relationship matters. I need some advice.

Hi Mika750,

Ideally you need a little mixture of both. It should never be a situation of "either - or".

The spark, passion, chemistry, electricity, magnetism, attraction or whatever you wish to call it must be there, but it is only a small part of the equation.

Love doesn't just happen. It doesn't hit us like a car that comes out of nowhere. Love grows over time. It's a seed that WE plant, WE must tend to the garden, water the soil, weed, fertilize and WE watch that seed sprout and grow into a beautiful flower. Here's where most people go wrong... once the flower blooms they think the job is done. In truth that is exactly when we must begin to work even harder in order to keep the flower from fading, keep it flourishing and healthy.

The spark is not as important as you seem to think, but yes it must be there in some degree. What is of ultimate importance is that a life relationship is made up of THREE equal and inseparable parts; sentiment (love), trust and respect. Without any one of those three a couple simply does not exist.

You need to love yourself in order to love your partner. You also need to trust and respect yourself before you can trust and respect your partner too.

So the simple answer to YOUR question as you posed it.... NEITHER, I wouldn't suggest you get involved in a relationship with either of the people you are depicting in your description.

It would be kind of like chosing between two diets; one an ALL CHOCOLATE diet and the other an ALL FRUIT diet. One obviously all wrong for anyone and the other, at first glance, much healthier but probably equally destructive in the long-term.

Cheers,
William James Woodward - Brazil & Canada Expert, Expat-blog Team

wjwoodward wrote:

It would be kind of like chosing between two diets; one an ALL CHOCOLATE diet and the other an ALL FRUIT diet.

That's an easy choice.

Thank you for the well thorough explanation wjwoodward. But seriously, the subject needs to choose as if her life depends on it.Which one would you rather have? one an ALL CHOCOLATE diet and the other an ALL FRUIT diet?

NOBODY'S life depends on a relationship. That is evidenced by the simple fact that when a relationship ends, and ends badly, we still go on living.

I agree with you, but at this time she needs to choose. Which one would you rather have?

If you insist to choose I will go for the passion love.

If you do something you have to do it right.

Better to have lost in love than never have to loved at all, song Eurythmics a long time ago:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfzgB9v1VQM

Neither...... I'd choose to wait for a relationship that has the qualities that I mentioned and which stands a much better chance of success as a result. The alternatives can be very devastating otherwise.

So you just saying that a passion love can not exist with respect and trust?

What I'm saying is that it is not LOVE, just passion and the greater chance is that it will not last long which is generally what happens when the passion cools off. Passion and love are two completely different things, it appears you are confusing them.

True love, no.... it cannot exist unless there is also trust and respect.

In my humble opinion passion love do exist.
Most of the time it is the first period of a new relationship when you're head is in the clouds and you can stay alive from the air alone (and of course the new love in your life).

Her question was what will you choose between a passion love for a few years or a long life relationship without the lustful sparks.
In this context I choose for the passion love.
Both relationships will not last for long (despite the long life term) but I want to have the full experiences of life, lust and love instead of a dull relationship.

My response is still the same since in my opinion passion and love are two completely different and separate things. Passion, to my way of thinking, is NOT love. Clearly it may lead to love growing, but love simply is so very much more. Passion is related more to sexual attraction, hormones, whatever than to love. Sexual attraction, if that is all there is, is about the poorest excuse for entering into a relationship that there could possibly be.

I wouldn't choose either if my feelings for someone were based solely on passion I'd wait to see what else developed. If there was a love that began as a result then fine. If not, well that's fine too.

I also wouldn't choose to enter into a relationship with someone who I didn't trust or respect or that didn't trust and respect me. That is guaranteed to end in disaster.

If the OP is willing to accept all the possible consequences, accept that the relationship will probably NOT last for very long and wants to go into it just for the "experience" and risk being hurt, so be it. That's not for me to decide, but she asked WHAT I WOULD DO, under the circumstances and that is exactly what my response was all about. WHAT I WOULD DO.

I asked this question because I'd like to know how many of you will choose love without lustful sparks over intense passion.Undeniably,even today  traditional marriages,arrange marriages, force marriages are still being practice in some parts of the world.In some instances,the soon to be bride/groom found themselves fishing in troubled waters.What if the wedding ceremony is set next week, your family carefully selected the lucky one for you whom they think is lovely-without the lustful sparks. And you got few days to decide, will you rather stay or run to the one you are passionate with?

If, hypothetically that situation happens to me, I would rather pick the one i will love without the lustful sparks hoping it will develop in time.

Primadonna choose passion love.
What about you? What do you think  is the best thing to do?

I'd break out my Reeboks and run like the wind. I'd then hide out until I found somebody that I was both attracted to and then hope a love would develop. If it didn't then I'd just move on to the next.

I know it's part of some cultures, but arranged marriages sound really primative to me.

Arranged marriage or not: don't do it if you don't feel like it.
How can you say yes to a man you don't know? And don't love at all?

In Islamic countries and in some other countries as well are arranged marriages very common.
If a girl tell to her mother or other female relative that she don't want to marry that man, she often get the answer that the love come afterwards. Sometimes true but sometimes not...
It is more a kind of a "business deal" then a romantic alliance.

In the Western world it is more a romantic engagement.
How ever, most of the people forget that not so long ago that it was very common to marry to make sure that money or property stays in the family.

I've seen several times arranged marriages and I realize very well that how I feel about it, it is given by my cultural background.

I don't want to say that these kind of marriages are good or bad but I can say it will not work for me.
You get to know some one after a certain of time, not in the first weeks/months of your engagement. In this time you get the change to know more about each other in a acceptable way.
But what they don't realize is that you always see the best part of it. Not the worst part when he/she just wake up and have a morning mood.
And what about how does he see the world, his ideas,his thoughts and are you on the physical part identical?
Beside this you are busy with the organization of the wedding, to buy the furniture and so on.

For all those girls and women who get involved in this, is status-enhancing for them: you are married woman and you can run you own house hold and people will treat you different.

I get sometimes the feeling that the woman say yes when a man ask for her hand, only because she is afraid that this is the only change she's get and she don't want to be an "old" single woman. Or that she finally can get out of her parents house.

What ever you decide you have to always remind that you can say no if you don't want it to.
This is your right. And don't be forced by the knowledge that almost everything is set, it is your life.
You have to realize that such engagement is for a lifetime and is not easy to divorce when things didn't work out as you had hoped.

i will choose love... you can find a "lustful passion" with any man.. but real love that comes from deep within its really hard to find..

If you love your partner, almost evrymoment of your life together will be more meaningful and romantic.. i believe that you can be a perfect romantic couple if the love binds you together.. and the romantic passion will always be there.. i call it love making.. while the lustful passion is just a "short time satisfaction."

Mika750 wrote:

If given the choice of a lifelong relationship with someone you would love but never have a lustful "spark" for or a few years of intense passion with someone you would love intensely, which would you choose?

Hi Mika,

I will prefer the second one...because basically in all means we search that....

regards,
anil

MYLYN PEREZ wrote:

you can find a "lustful passion" with any man.

This is not true, you don't jump on ever man you see to have a passion love with.
There is something like mutual attraction.


I am surprised that most of the posters who reply on this topic implied that passion love is without respect and trust.

HI MIKA
WISH YOU GOOD DAY
TO CHOOSE SOME ONE IT SHOULD BE
WITH CARE
RESPECT AND LOVE

Passion, but the one with respect and admiration.
After sparkels, attraction are gone you are leeft with a body,
and then personality, charisma and character are about to show up
its real imporance. By time one get used to person's look, physical lust will fade but if that is missing from very begining than that sort of love is pretty much the same you feel for your very closee friends and family ! Love without passion is not romantical love, but that's my point of view +}

Primadonna wrote:

I am surprised that most of the posters who reply on this topic implied that passion love is without respect and trust.

That shouldn't be a surprise since in almost all English speaking nations PASSION and LOVE are two completely different things. The word PASSION is used almost exclusively to describe a sexual feeling / attraction. LOVE is used to describe a deep emotional bond and affection. While both can exist simultaneously it is not necessarily so and human beings often have a passion (sexual attraction) or people they don't trust or respect, sometimes ever for people they don't even know.

I guess your view on the subject boils down to language.