Maintaining a long distance relationship as an expat in the Philippines

Sorry for late reply. 

I maintain some LDCFRs - long-distance close friend relationships.  I tried LDRs in the past but did not work.   I became too emotionally involved while she was just looking at me as a friend.   So I learned from that and she's right.    LDCFRs work for me as well! 

My LDCFRs have grown and they became a nice pastime for me here in US.    Thanks to videochat platforms.

One must meet the person "in person" and spend daily time with them for at least 6 months to a year to truly get to know someone. Anything else is just a waste of time , in my opinion.

We,  Analisa and I,  were long-distance "penpals" for three years before marrying, and that seemed to work with the effort of phone calls and emails, and twice yearly visits. That was 21 years ago, and we're still hanging in there (she's amazing). I suppose everyone's personal needs and relationship dynamics are quite different, so distance is not for everyone. Opportunists would have a field-day with it.

With smartphones and wider-range internet coverage, it's possible nowadays to stay connected across distances, share pictures and content etc. After all, Mark Zuckerberg envisages a metaverse whereby everyone interreacts virtually, so with technology, long distance relationships needn't be too much different.

I suppose the real challenge is when you're finally together, with saturation level exposure, that might be too much of an adjustment. It's like military personal crave to be discharged home to their families after years of foreign service, having only previous fleeting visits, just to get home permanently and find the adjustment way too much. Too many chiefs, as they say.

The cultural acclimatization is another thing. Language barriers, extended family expectations, even dietary habits all have the potential to cause friction. These issues need to be addressed in a careful, and open-mined way. For example my wife cooks "dungit", a strong-smelling, dried fish some novices have trouble tolerating. Our rule is, "....cook what you want in your own home, but please be mindful that some of my UK friends find it overpowering". Our compromise is she voluntarily cooks it outside when quests are around. Obviously, I do things she finds unappealing as well.

Saying that, most expats (I expect), willing to travel to the other side of the world and marry someone very different from their usual experience, are seeking the exotic. It's exiting. It can be frustrating, or confounding. With an approach of mutual willingness to accept nuances, and hard work, it can work.....(or be a "work in progress").

gsturdee wrote:

With smartphones and wider-range internet coverage, it's possible nowadays to stay connected across distances, share pictures and content etc. After all, Mark Zuckerberg envisages a metaverse whereby everyone interreacts virtually, so with technology, long distance relationships needn't be too much different.

Well. Suckerberg got the idea basickly from students, who hired him to make the coding to THEIR idea, but he scammed them, snatch the idea , changed it to biger and didnt make the work he had agreed to do!!! Then Suckerberg scammed the financiere he got to the startup of Facebook too...   
(Them with the idea got nothing, while Suckerberg lost in court against the financiere so he had to compensate him.)

Makes one wonder what he's got planned for us in the Metaverse. With AI, how will we know if we're even interacting with a real person, and not some bot programmed to trigger our emotional and ego reflexes?

gsturdee wrote:

Makes one wonder what he's got planned for us in the Metaverse. With AI, how will we know if we're even interacting with a real person, and not some bot programmed to trigger our emotional and ego reflexes?

I expect he missuse data he collect by our use of Facebook, but I have made it some harder for him by telling some data wrong on purpouse and when there is something to show for several I "hide" the correct one among several false and tell them I make it to, which is the correct one. So Suckerberg get some harder to missuse data from me   

((Originaly I started my Facebook just so I could see progress of house contruction my sister had. Some later I put in some own because some friends asked for it.))

We should all do that!

gsturdee wrote:

With smartphones and wider-range internet coverage, it's possible nowadays to stay connected across distances, share pictures and content etc. After all, Mark Zuckerberg envisages a metaverse whereby everyone interreacts virtually, so with technology, long distance relationships needn't be too much different.

I suppose the real challenge is when you're finally together.

When I hear of metaverse nowadays I don't think of FB but instead of the movie Ready Player One's (RPO) virtual reality.   

The challenge it to make the metaverse intertwine with the physical universe (why?  so that actual intercourse can occur, among other activities of course LOL).   

The movie Blade Runner 2049 offered a possible solution.   Although the movie does not deal with a metaverse but the physical universe, it has a female hologram that synced in to a physical woman.
Once synced in, the man and the hologram/woman copulate. 

So in going back to the metaverse scenario, a way to possibly make a long-distance relationship happen physically, is when a person's avatar can sync in to a physical woman.   It's the futuristic version of getting a woman and putting another woman's cardboard face on top of her face as a mask.   (Others I think use sex dolls and that may be another option to sync an avatar to in the future).

Big Mad Wolf -you've taken us down the rabbit hole.  I had the same thoughts, that the metaverse idea paralleled the narrative of "Ready Player One". If such interactive technology existed commercially, I'm sure it would be of interest to many.

I guess for the metaverse (or like) to be universally appealing,  it needs to mirror or exceed the sensual reality of human-to-environment, or human-to human-experience. When I say "sensual" I mean, "of the 5 senses".

VR has captured (very well) elements of auditory and visual reality, but not yet tactile, olfactory, gustatory sensations etc. So the VR experience currently, I suppose, remains muted sensually. Psychoactive drugs do a better job.

Perhaps muted sensory capacity might work nonetheless, like those with limited senses like deafness or blindness, whereby other senses become more developed to improve interpretation of the external world. After all, reality takes place within neural circuitry - the brain.

Regarding copulatory sensual experiences over the metaverse (or like), capturing touch and tactile stimulation, even if it is satisfactory for the participants, other factors might impede the enjoyment, like knowing there's always 3rd party interests monitoring. It won't be private. Likely an erotic experience will be recorded. What if the fantasy person or object of choice, being a commercial product, shows up at a metaverse car showroom you're visiting, to try to sell you the vehicle you're looking at? We already suspect corporate interests of having too much personal data and exploiting it, like election manipulation et al.

Another concern is, what if the metaverse (or like) becomes so enticing and satisfying that conventional inter-sexual relationships become mundane? We become physically sedentary, and inept at the art of lovemaking, because the natural partner choices we have don't match our preferred avatars, nor do we   meet the satisfaction needs of other human partners. 

When it comes down to it, I  think currently virtual simulations don't yet match reality. The problem is just we take reality for granted. We need to get off our devices more often, take the shoes off and walk on the beach, feel the grit between our toes, the hot sand juxtaposed with cool water, note the wind breeze on our face and bird calls (or traffic roar, whatever)  -  it's all there, we're just non-attuned.

We need to get out more - wake up and smell the coffee, as it were...

Yes-we take most everything for granted! We live and learn!

Speaking of smelling coffee, one of my chat friends raised her coffee for a pic. 

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Love the smell.   

Looks like a delicious cup of coffee.

An American had spend 10 000 usd he said at a communication possibility with ONE woman inside a datingsite, something he could have moved to FREE webcam communication as e g Skype or Facebook!!! Extra remarkable be he seem smart concerning his own business.

gsturdee wrote:

Looks like a delicious cup of coffee.

But I think the woman look some suspicious   

coach53 wrote:

An American had spend 10 000 usd he said at a communication possibility with ONE woman inside a datingsite,

Somebody that dumb would be too smart to admit it.

$10k is an expensive date, but my divorce cost more, LOL.

coach53 wrote:

But I think the woman look some suspicious   

This could be fun.   What made you think so?

Big Mad Wolf wrote:

coach53 wrote:

But I think the woman look some suspicious   

This could be fun.   What made you think so?

Mainly the eyes, dont look kind.
The twisted smile is not sure bad, but a warning sign.

This one DONT have the bad signs though, which I find most obvious to skip some women, which are very common at gold diggers, but fool many men. But I dont tell in public which signs these two are, because of the risk gold diggers see it, so they can try to hide them   

But to be fair to this woman, all people can look suspicious at some PHOTOS.

Beside I am terrible at judging personality at people who wear glasses - they hide/twiist the look of the most important sign, the eyes -  actualy I have judged any much wrong at only three people in my whole life  - in both directions - and three of them when I were kid.
I were born with it.  E g after grandmother died, my a bit over 50yo grandfather got "grabbed" by a very beautiful, rather much younger, some rich Swedish woman, which all others in my famiily found fantastic, but as 7-8 yo I told very serious:
-Not recomended...
(I talked as old people since I were 4yo  by spending most time with grownups.)
I were right. She was extreemly selfish. E g at my grandfather's 60th birthday she didnt let us grandkids come inspite of my grandfather liked kids in general most !!!  But we grandkids gathered and went there anyway and ate all the meatballs to embarrass her among HER fancy guests      Grandfather sure found kids comming being the best part of that party. 
That woman's daughter were similar crap, while her son was very nice and had as mission to make fool of her. E g it was common he made phone call pranks, he had fooled her many times it was the police calling.
-Hello! Its from the police.
-No stop trying to fool me, Bjorn.
-But its the police.
-No chance you can fool me like that again, Bjorn.
-But is IS the police.
-No stop, Bjorn!
It WAS realy the police that time     who called to try to tell her they had found her stolen car.

Haha thanks.   Btw, she reads this thread so, on our next chat,  me and her can have some fun on her eyes and smile that you mentioned.

How about this one, with the glasses first.   

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Big Mad Wolf wrote:

How about this one, with the glasses first.   

I wrote the eyes is the main and I cant judge people with even clear glas glasses. So best to hide the eyes by sunglasses   

There are other types of factors too, which decide IF there is CHANCE two GOOD people can suit each other or not. 
One scientific proven such factor is sibbling position  (=Some simplified: Eldest, middle, youngest or only child.) But its NOT necesary blood realated sibblings, its if LIVING as sibblings when being mainly preteen kids. There can be "plastic sibblings" when families merge, and in countries as the Philippines its common some other relative take care of kids, who arent sibblings, but they will get such sibbling effect anyway.

One of my sisters listened to me and got a happy marriage, while my other sister didnt listen...

Inspye of the sunglasses I can see she dont have thatg twisted smile at that photo 

And as I said people can look very weird at part second photos e g if blink exact then 

gsturdee wrote:

$10k is an expensive date, but my divorce cost more, LOL.

I saw a show that did an in-depth view of a Ukraine Dating Site. They flew a plane load of men looking for a wife. The men were in Ukraine for several days meeting & greeting the women on various venues.

The first get together was similar to a ballroom reception. Round tables with 5 or 6 women and a seat for the man. During certain time intervals the men rotated tables.

The women were attractive and well educated.

Initial through the website they exchanged emails for a price, they could send flowers or gifts through the website again for a price.

One man did say he spent over $10,000 making purchases through the website.

Not a good move! Hopefully, he can learn from the experience.

Enzyte Bob wrote:

gsturdee wrote:

$10k is an expensive date, but my divorce cost more, LOL.

I saw a show that did an in-depth view of a Ukraine Dating Site. They flew a plane load of men looking for a wife. The men were in Ukraine for several days meeting & greeting the women on various venues..

I don't doubt it!

Spending money is an effective way to attract a lady. (The challenge is keeping her.)

I saw a BBC documentary years ago, which attempted to explain the phenomena. They asked the question, "Do women genuinely find wealthy men more attractive?" ("Is it the money or the man?")

A social anthropologist had done a study, which involved a group of men dressed in common clothes, watch, car etc. (Clean, not homeless but working class type-garb). A broad group of women were asked to individually interact with them, and later asked questions about the encounter. One question was "Did you find the man attractive or sexually appealing?". They scored low-medium.

The exact same group of men, the next time, met another test group of women. This time the men were adorned with wealthy paraphernalia, like expensive clothes, blingy watch and luxury car, etc . Later, when asked to rate them on sexual appeal, the women genuinely found them attractive, rating them medium-high.

This is scientific study, and it's repeatable.

The theory goes... a (single) woman is unconsciously rating prospective sexual mates, because she needs to ensure the survival of her offspring. Since it takes at least 16 years for the human child to become independent (and traditionally women were not able to make an income when she has needy kids) she needs to find a mate capable of providing her and her offspring.

Why is a middle-aged, working class man (like me) able to go to a developing country and get romantic attention from multiple, younger, beautiful women, when they would be out of my league in my home country?

Enzyte Bob wrote:

I saw a show that did an in-depth view of a Ukraine Dating Site. They flew a plane load of men looking for a wife. The men were in Ukraine for several days meeting & greeting the women on various venues..

I saw at youtube there were similar in Cebu city (before covid).

gsturdee wrote:

Spending money is an effective way to attract a lady. (The challenge is keeping her.)

I claim thats OPPOSITE to effective and I am a business consultant specialist at making processes effective   haha
Although thats "effective" to get the WRONG women =gold diggers... 
((I have had Swedish girlfriends high above my league concerning look - I look average - and economy too (E g one "governor's" daughter and one daughter to a Volvo subpart manufactory boss.) Beside costs for driving some of them, I have spend at Swedish women less than 10 USD total in my whole life...   I guess depending of I have strong charisma when I bother to put ir on.
I have spend almost nothing at Filipino women  too, but many interested, some long time, inspite of that...   The Filipinas, who have lost interest in me, are the gold diggers, by I havent paid them... 

gsturdee wrote:

I saw a BBC documentary years ago, which attempted to explain the phenomena. They asked the question, "Do women genuinely find wealthy men more attractive?" ("Is it the money or the man?")

A social anthropologist had done a study, which involved a group of men dressed in common clothes, watch, car etc. (Clean, not homeless but working class type-garb). A broad group of women were asked to individually interact with them, and later asked questions about the encounter. One question was "Did you find the man attractive or sexually appealing?". They scored low-medium.

The exact same group of men, the next time, met another test group of women. This time the men were adorned with wealthy paraphernalia, like expensive clothes, blingy watch and luxury car, etc . Later, when asked to rate them on sexual appeal, the women genuinely found them attractive, rating them medium-high.

This is scientific study, and it's repeatable.

The theory goes... a (single) woman is unconsciously rating prospective sexual mates, because she needs to ensure the survival of her offspring. Since it takes at least 16 years for the human child to become independent (and traditionally women were not able to make an income when she has needy kids) she needs to find a mate capable of providing her and her offspring.

Why is a middle-aged, working class man (like me) able to go to a developing country and get romantic attention from multiple, younger, beautiful women, when they would be out of my league in my home country?

Well. Yes, its to have economy as a factor, but for the not gold diggers, when looking for a husband, its about geting one with capacity to provide enough for the future family.
((As I wrote I have spend almost nothing at women, but I DRESSED UP when going to dances mostly second nicest - I found the nicest "to much"  suiting more for show performances.  When women asked me what I worked with I just answered as I would be an employee in the business type, although being owner..       
Of course economy is a more important factor in the Philippines by few Filipinas can reach a good living standard themselves, but I spend nothing/litle on purpouse at women by I am not interested in women, who want to live posh anyway.  I aim at building a rather big home - to have space for office and other indoor activities during rain season - but make the outside and the half letting in others in UGLY looking as the POOR  stone houses to reduce financial expectations.  Ugly car too      
If a Filipina dont find that ok, then she isnt wife material for me anyway, so why spend much money at women?       I mean except at wife, land and house for us as a couple, and some at her family but NOT "buying" them neither, just SELDOM family gathering costs and assist them to earn some more by THEIR own work.

Concerning age difference its in the Philppines still rather much as it was in Europe 100 years =women passing 30 without geting married, then it can be "to late".
A Filipina I know/knew started to get panic to get married finding herself old allready as 26yo!  She ended up marrying a very bad violent alcoholic foreigner... Once he was so drunk when tried to hit her with fist, so he fell and got a blue eye hit mark at himself   

Sad a 10yo girl begged me to marry her a bit over 30 year mother     who is good, but mess up sometimes by not thinking enough, but I told the mother direct we met years ago our personalities dont suit each other enough. But we keep some contact.

Weekend!  We look forward to it for many reasons but for me, specifically, weekend is LDCFR time. 

Looking forward to chat with Ms Love.   

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Enzyte Bob wrote:

gsturdee wrote:

$10k is an expensive date, but my divorce cost more, LOL.

I saw a show that did an in-depth view of a Ukraine Dating Site. They flew a plane load of men looking for a wife. The men were in Ukraine for several days meeting & greeting the women on various venues.

The first get together was similar to a ballroom reception. Round tables with 5 or 6 women and a seat for the man. During certain time intervals the men rotated tables.

The women were attractive and well educated.

Initial through the website they exchanged emails for a price, they could send flowers or gifts through the website again for a price.

One man did say he spent over $10,000 making purchases through the website.

Sad & delusional lost souls being taken for a ride by various media and dating sites looking to monetise the growing industry of men & women looking for love.

Formulaic contrived TV shows providing fodder for the masses.

I recall seeing a similar programme to the above many years ago (pre internet) about a bunch of Welsh guys from Swansea (various ages) going on an organised dating trip to Thailand. Cringeworthy viewing and I could not decide whether to feel sorry for them or not. Suffice to say on their return to the UK they were all emotional wrecks.

Alas I can only see the online dating market getting even bigger in the future. People under the age of 30 are more averse to face to face meetings preferring to interact in digital form. Many prefer emails, social media communication rather than voice calls which ultimately affects their levels of personal confidence when meeting the opposite sex in person.
I would coin the phrase 'digital anoraks' 

A question to people with English as first language.
(Keep in mind Russians arent good at English.)
An American had contact with a Russian woman through internet. After met in person only 2 weeks he proposed, which would include she would move away from  her home country:
-Do you want to marry me?
-...Not yet. 
That the American and his male friend counted as a No!!!  inspite of she wanted to continue to get to know him better.
(My explamaition marks. For me that DONT mean No, it mean  "To early to decide such a big thing yet.")

Whats your interpretion?

Lotus Eater wrote:

Formulaic contrived TV shows providing fodder for the masses.

I look some at "reality" TV - but for the psychological part.
Of course the TV programs chose people, who more likely will screw up so big part of the programs become drama.
E g many of the chosen ones are FEMALE Americans, who go for African/Middle East TRADITIONAL MUSLIM men!!!  These women CLAIM to want equal relations, inspite of they are so very bossy and easy angered so not even  western men can stand them...    They find it a good idea to marry a man  from a culture where the women are suppoused to obey the husband!!! Its even said so in the wedding ceremony...

Lotus Eater wrote:

Alas I can only see the online dating market getting even bigger in the future. People under the age of 30 are more averse to face to face meetings preferring to interact in digital form. Many prefer emails, social media communication rather than voice calls which ultimately affects their levels of personal confidence when meeting the opposite sex in person.
I would coin the phrase 'digital anoraks' 

Yes. Some even  communicate through their mobiles when they are in same room!!!

Its spreading to other things too. As have been business consult many years specialiced in making processes effective, I get very annoyed when  CRAP communications with western suppliers claim its best to communicate in string chats than phone!!! Thats IMPOSSIBLE even  if both would write as fast as talking - which people cant neither at least not talk asa fast as I    - because when talking then hear DURING the other talk, while when  writing then have to WAIT until the other hit Send... So not odd some suppliers have UNNECESARY long waiting queues by they switch to such crap... IDIOTS! 

(Its an  OTHER thing when sending something the other need to think/check before answering. THEN can chats be better by it become possible to communicate with more than one parallell during waiting at answers. )

Coach53, to your question, my interpretation there is the guys are not serious if they ask someone to marry them after 2 weeks and expect a Yes.  And the fact they don't want to put in the time to get to know someone means they are not serious.

Big Mad Wolf wrote:

Coach53, to your question, my interpretation there is the guys are not serious if they ask someone to marry them after 2 weeks and expect a Yes.  And the fact they don't want to put in the time to get to know someone means they are not serious.

Yes, But does it mean "No" or are they - as I claim - wrong?

Could go either way.  A hard no due to turn off to guys not having patience with them.  Or it could be a soft no like as you said, though there must be a follow-up by the lady to add context to that no.   If none was followed-up, then I'd say it was a hard no.

coach53 wrote:

Sad a 10yo girl begged me to marry her a bit over 30 year mother     who is good, but mess up sometimes by not thinking enough, but I told the mother direct we met years ago our personalities dont suit each other enough. But we keep some contact.

If the kids is begging you to stay that says a lot, about the way you treated them, and how she feels you'd be good for her mother. Nice!

Lotus Eater wrote:

Sad and delusional lost souls being taken for a ride by various media and dating sites looking to monetise the growing industry of men and women looking for love.

I would coin the phrase 'digital anoraks' 

"Digital anoraks" - you must be British, funny!

I think people get ripped-off partly because they're sad and lonely, in a place where they're ready to take a chance, but also they come from a culture where one's word is their bond. In some cultures words don't mean as much, since they have other values.

When first I got to the Philippines in 2001, I got taken a few times, with hard luck stories and promises to repay short-term loans, essentially because they thought I was a stupid millionaire. I was neither.  (Well, not a millionaire at least).

Since, I've learned I get a lot of value in other ways, like continual helpfulness, and intrusive nurturing. Loads of fun and energy all around, kids that love me, playfulness - that I believe keeps me young.

There are the "gold diggers" certainly, and they need to be identified and weeded out ASAP. When I set foot in the Philippines I was at an internet cafe, when a random Aussie guy came up to me and asked,

"Are you here to find a Filipina wife?".

Newly divorced, surprised and a little offended I replied, "Hadn't thought about it, what's it to you?"

He continued, "Well...you wouldn't marry a prostitute in your own country, so don't come here and marry a prostitute".

As inappropriate and overfamiliar as that advice was, it stick with me, and so I was more aware of some of the pitfalls of dating in another country. I've been more selective, shall we say, and really happy with my choice so far.

Big Mad Wolf wrote:

Could go either way.  A hard no due to turn off to guys not having patience with them.  Or it could be a soft no like as you said, though there must be a follow-up by the lady to add context to that no.   If none was followed-up, then I'd say it was a hard no.

How being a "No" when she said "Not YET" ?
To me it mean  "I dont know yet, I need more time to get to know you more, before I can decide" ...

gsturdee wrote:

If the kids is begging you to stay that says a lot, about the way you treated them, and how she feels you'd be good for her mother. Nice!

II suppouse a factor is I talk with kids as I talk with grown ups, but can be some other type of jokes    Well. In average I talk with MORE respect to kids than to average grown ups by kids seldom make so they have lost right to respect, while many grown ups have... 
Men at my father's side started acting very good in contacts with kids back to at least great grandfather 1905, which was very rare until 1970-ies, so I kind of have it in my blood.

Kids are much more clever than most grown ups understand    Most kids can be reasoned with about rather complicated situations.
E g a 5yo daughter to a Filipina I know is much more clever than her mother, who screw up similar repeetingly inspite of her daughter tell her how to better act in contacts with her father... 

Kids can make HARDER rules for themselves - and follow them in difference from grown ups just order them - if ASK them what they think is fair...  Most kids WANT there are rules they have to follow.
Back when I were just over 20yo I worked a while as substitute teacher.  In Sweden students were suppoused to missbehave when having substitute teachers     
I have pondus enough to keep big groups - even grown ups   -  in order when needed, BUT as substitute I used a much better method.  Direct at start I said: 
-Here are four songs where one have nothing to do with it,  two is recorded by same person and one he sings too but it isnt he at this recording. Who is it? 
Then  I put on the music and draw suggestions at the board (mixed with some jokes depending of age of the students e g "The headmaster".  That made BOTH they had to be some silent in startup to hear the songs - and they noticed I werent boring as most teachers   
(Most guessed it was Lue Reed, who was at top lists back then, but it was I who had made some recordings just as a joke. We sound rather similar, neither of us sing any good   
Then came a noicy normal missbehaving period, until I noticed some of the STUDENTS started to become annoyed by the others.  Then I said
-UH! loud to get their attention  and the said calm.  I think we can have more fun than this...
Then the STUDENTS started to make the missbehaving ones stop, so I didnt need to   
When I had an age when same teacher have same class whole day, then I wrote at the board in the morning what we needed to get done in that day and said if we get done earlier, we get time to have some fun.  And by they had seen  I could be funny, they worked hard, so we got done 1,5 - 2 lessons early. Then we had e g class championships in five-in-line or arm wrestling. But once it failed a bit by two TINY girls wonn against two big boys     kicked them out in the quarter final, and then they started behaving bad because they were embarrased.  But that was in a class where the teacher had got a nervous breakdown and the school tried to get rid of the whole family of one of the boys I had in my class. It WASNT any biger problem with him,  he behaved very bad in startup but I noticed it depended of he was boored by he was at least 2 classes above the others.  At end of first day HE asked me to be their teacher all the time - but stupid school leading didnt even give me the next day...   
A bit similar bad behaviout by TEACHERS in an other school where I had same class whole days. My students told kids in other classes how fun they had with me as teacher - inspite of we got MORE school work done than  the other classes.  Instead of copy how I handled things, the other teachers got grumpy   

Some teachers are basicly good at the teaching itself BUT get crap results anyway by they are crap at handling kids...
E g I stoped fast all bullying too in my classes by saying - and reacted direct if not followed -  "The only one you are allowed to bully is me    "   Then  some found it funny to try, but I knew since I were student myself, it isnt a good idea to try to bully me     because mostly I just ignored so most noticed soon they didnt get anything out of it, but sometimes - when they were to bad -  I made fool of the bully so the other students laughted at the bully... By that got the bullies weakend so the students dared to stop the bullies by themselves.

(I have been successful youth leader counted in sports results too BUT reached by I WERENT any special good at teaching the sport, but at strengthend  all the kids mentaly, the not so good ones in the sport too, leting ALL play (at a suiting level for them). Then the sports results came as a "side effect" of that   

I could write a book about how to better handle kids   

Interesting and original techniques. You seems to look at the group dynamic, identify who the leaders/bullies are etc, and manage their disruptive influence. Also, you're using unpredictable methods that provoke the group's curiosity, to get their attention. I should try a few.

With kids, especially my own, when all else fails (raising voice, threatening to take away privileges, negotiation, bribing...all the dad stuff), I sit down in the silence and try to really listen and understand what they're trying to tell me. Usually it's something reasonable i just missed. That's with early the teenagers I have now. When they were younger, it was simpler - tired, hungry, dirty diaper.

Coach53,  sorry I thought I read "No".   With "Not Yet" then obviously the guy should not take that to mean "No" and if he did and gives up, then he was not serious at all.

gsturdee wrote:

With kids, especially my own, when all else fails (raising voice, threatening to take away privileges, negotiation, bribing...all the dad stuff), I sit down in the silence and try to really listen and understand what they're trying to tell me. Usually it's something reasonable i just missed. That's with early the teenagers I have now. When they were younger, it was simpler - tired, hungry, dirty diaper.

Yes, kids are normaly reasonable if reason with them     And BEFORE they have become obsessed with something or got angry.

gsturdee wrote:

Interesting and original techniques. You seems to look at the group dynamic, identify who the leaders/bullies are etc, and manage their disruptive influence. Also, you're using unpredictable methods that provoke the group's curiosity, to get their attention. I should try a few.

I have contact still with one of my team mates when I we were 13yo and I were playing coach. He said a year ago I thought of tactical and psychological things before the others even  thought of the words   
And when  I were 14-15yo I figuered out a kind of mental training 10 years before professors made the first     and 20 years before more than a few sportsmen started using it. 
As 25 yo I started leading a sport club from second lowest league to Swedish elite using methods,  which others laught at and found idiotic as well as at I said we will reach the second highest league   -
but they stoped laughing soon, when they saw the results      how fast my kids/players became good. We made so many players to the national youth teams so we lost count how many.  Now the Swedish Federation for that sport* have incorporated some of my "idiotic" methods in their exersise material   

*I dont say which because then I can be easy identified, but one of the 5 bigest sports in Sweden.

When I moved away from that town and did quit leading that club, then some of the players said:
-So now you will make the club there a top club too.
-No I have done such allready. Now I will start playing tennis and table tennis at club level, which I havent had time to before, I said inspite of I were close to 40 yo!   
(I like "impossible" challenges.)
But soon I felt sorry for the kids in the new town, so in  3 seasons I made them among the top 10 youth clubs   

NOT by any better technical sports exersises, but by psychology.

coach53 wrote:

NOT by any better technical sports exersises, but by psychology.

It seems to me a respectable approach in achieving results when dealing with people - understanding the psychological factors. These might include building or eroding confidence, identifying motivators or insecurities. All can be optimised or exploited depending upon one's agenda.