Extended families in the Philippines

This kind of set up causes misunderstanding and eventually separation between a couple! This is true with every family here in the Philippines; whether married to a foreigner or not; I know; you need to be strong to say no to this extended families;

yes extended families is a very common thing here in the Philippines.its one way of showing strong family ties, but i do not agree at some situations wherein a member of the family who worked hard  and become successful has to be the one to rescue..its not fair for that person.im not about being greedy or selfish when someone says NO.family members and relatives should also consider that that person have his/her own obligations too .everything have a limitation and boundaries.asking for help in case of emergencies and unexpected misfortunes are okay but not to the extent  that even the food to eat everyday will be asked from that successful one,thats abuse already.This is very common when one relative is working abroad, they think they will just pick money from a tree where they are..they expect expensive gifts and ask money all the time.not even thinking of that person sacrifices from being away from his/her family.and yes ,when a filipina married a foreigner,they think that its automatic for them to be part of everything.and if the couple says NO.it will become a big issue or they will quote as greedy and selfish.for foreigners wanting to marry a filipina or is inlove to a filipina..make sure that ,that girl is employed, earning on her own, family is stable as well and are all independently working for themselves and not relying to someone and are open minded and have broad understanding of things.take sometime to know the family before getting into deeper level,try not to give all the girls request and be fooled around by the sweety sweety attitude when trying to ask you for something u want to  for her.once u started giving her all the material things she asks,,it will continue from all family members,u might even be emotionally blackmailed if u say no.such a shame but its true...theres still are good filipinas out there tho,just need to find them..like needle in haystack..

The difference with a wealthy Filipino family and a foreigner is that the "sharing of wealth" is not accepted by the latter who has retried here with his pension and life savings. I've experienced this situation amongst my friends who have said "No" and the atmosphere in the compound is horrible with non speaking and ignoring pleasantries. Even the aged old timers will fall for a youngster and consider himself very fortunate until he settles down and spends his money on a new house before the beggings begin.  I would recommend deciding on a monthly budget for the "Family" and give to the head of the group as the maximum available and not have to wait for the weekly phone call for support.

Peter Clark wrote:

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS   DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON THE FAMILY ‘S FINANCIAL STATUS BEFORE COMMITMENT TO YOUR NEW PARTNER

The moral of the story in finding a Filipino partner is: YOU CANNOT HAVE EVERYTHING.

Foreigners who come to the Philippines to meet or seek a Filipino woman are mostly older men. And they prefer Filipino women who are much younger than they are. Young to middle-aged Filipino women who are well-educated, financially independent and can support themselves or come from a well-to-do family, whose family will not ask their potential brother-in-law for money, will not take a second look at any guy who is old enough to be her father or grandfather. The financial status of the young woman who does take a second look is a given.

Second moral of the story: STUDY PHILIPPINE CULTURE. 

When one marries or gets into a relationship with a Filipino woman, he should accept that his wife / partner would need to do these: support the parents and have them live with her.  In Filipino culture, it is the parents' role to provide for their children. And when the children have grown and have jobs, they should give back to the parents. 

For financially stable parents, financial support is not asked of the children. But for poor families, the children, especially the older siblings, are expected to send money to their parents, either to help with basic needs, especially if they are too old to work, or things like their young siblings' tuition.

If the Filipina partner used to give to her parents before she and the foreigner got into a relationship, she should continue giving to the parents even after she's moved in with him. If the foreigner wants to have his partner to stop working, stay at home, and focus more on him, then he should shoulder the amount his partner used to give to her parents. 

Elderly parents  also live in with one of their children, especially if the mom / dad had died and they're now alone.  Sending parents to a nursing home, or what is referred to here as "home for the aged", is not acceptable, and is actually quite shameful on the part of the children. So, the foreigner should expect that the parents might have to move in with them in the future, because they did support and raise the partner.

Problems arise when this tradition of giving back is abused: when parents ask for more than what they need or for luxuries, when other relatives ask for money or things, when family members decide to quit working and just ask support from the foreigner.

Third moral of the story: FIND A PARTNER WHO COULD SAY "NO" TO ABUSES.

From the beginning, your partner should be able to say "No" to the abuses. If the relatives want to ask for money, it should be the Filipina partner they should talk to. The foreigner should not meet face-to-face with relatives asking for money. The partner might eventually ask the foreigner for that extra money. It is the foreigner's role is to learn to say "No" to his partner. One of the best ways to avoid arguments and confrontations with a relative: from the beginning, live far away from them.

is marriage that sharing the destiny with beloved one  or dedicating  the bank account to her /his parents  ? things seems wrong from the beginning .
How about if the foreigner himself is poor ? even poor then filipinos ? and  somehow got a married a pinay ?  her family support  him all the time when heand his wife  needs ?  or its a one way ticket to sucking up till bones and finally thrown to garbage ? . Staying away seems a short  answer.

Edojidai .

Edojidai wrote:

is marriage that sharing the destiny with beloved one  or dedicating  the bank account to her /his parents  ? things seems wrong from the beginning .

There's a song by Karen Carpenter "Love Me For What I Am" which goes:

We either take each other
For everything we are
Or leave the life we've made behind
And make another start

Marriage is about acceptance. Before getting married, each should accept the other for who they are, which include both their present and their past, for their strength as well as their failings. Otherwise, they could become dissatisfied and regretful. So, get to know your girlfriend / boyfriend, including family dynamics, finances, and if from another country, her / his culture.

Edojidai wrote:

How about if the foreigner himself is poor ? even poor then filipinos ? and  somehow got a married a pinay ?  her family support  him all the time when heand his wife  needs ?  or its a one way ticket to sucking up till bones and finally thrown to garbage ? . Staying away seems a short  answer.

A foreigner who is poorer than a poor Filipino should not go to the Philippines, much less get into a relationship with a poor Filipino. From my observation, being homeless in the Philippines is a lot worse than being homeless in America.  (Anyways, if he is truly poor, then how can he even afford a plane ticket to here? )

Don't come here if you don't have enough income to support yourself. If you just have enough for your self, don't overspend, and most importantly, never get into a situation where you will have to support another person or persons.

Set the ground rules early and strong.

I have told my girl friend what I can and cannot afford.  I give her a budget, she has overspent twice and I have told her third time and I am gone, and I will be.  Hard yes, but for me, I will never receive a pension, so there is no more money to come once what I / we have is gone.  So I have no choice, I love her but I need to have money to live life, so the choice is simple yet hard.  Budget and spend what we can afford or I leave.  She has explained to her parent this and it is up to her to manage them.

I do supplement the parents financial income, and do this by giving my GF X amount of php per month, she has learnt and does not give it to them every month, rather she saves it and gives it to them (within budget) when it is asked for.  Every things seems to be working now, see what happens in the future.  Fingers crossed.

In my opinion, Filpinas having foreign bf /husbands and  making them responsible for the whole family ,from the monthly allowance to sibling education expenses to house renovation etc..is rather a bad habit than a custom.and for foreign men, they should not let this habit go further,it would be nice to give ur gf/wife or family simple gifts or some expensive ones if u feel like giving them, but allowance for the whole family? WHY? do they not have their jobs?where they just waiting for their girl in family to meet and have a foreign bf to save them all??for me its even more insulting if my bf/husband keep giving money to my family..especially when i myself is able to work and earning my own money.Its actually "nakakahiya" (shameful) to ask money from someone, especially when u have a strong body, have skills and knowledge but just lazy to use them.I have had my own experience on this with my bf before..first time he sends money..i told him why he is sending me money.he simply said, bec i dont ask, so he gives.and he knows im not earning that much and he wants me to buy something for myself and my kid.i do appreciate that.but have told him that i cannot tolerate and he shouldnt do it like an obligation to send me money coz im very much  able,skilled and educated and i can work.i explained to him that its not a good habit we will be teaching my kid to give her things she wanted without doing something to get it.and we should not let her get used to the idea that she gets everything  that easy.that will make her lazy.same goes with for my family, told him he can give them simple gits  on occasions but not  regular budget..they too will feel offended, coz all my sibling have their jobs and working hard to support their own families,so giving them money regularly would be very offensive, treating them for dinner or buying them them  shirts or shoes would be more appreciated.we are not rich and not earning big,  but we are not lazy and we are brought up to live with what we can afford ,and if we want something,,we work for it and save,and not look for foreign  guy or someone rich to give us what we want. its enough that the foreign bf proves the girls family that he can support her and give her a good life in the future when they start their own family.For the foreign men, try not to teach ur gf family this very bad habit.Enough that u can prove ur gf's family that ur a good man with good intentions  and stable enough to give ur gf a good future and support a family of ur own.and for my fellow Filipinas, please try not to give people this bad impressions about us that we are jut after money and are just after the material things ..this is one reason marriage with foreign men do not always work.set a good foundation, be genuine, give true love, respect and trust and we will also get the same.They may have more money to spend for ur family but they also worked hard for it.just sharing my thoughts...God bless!

The realities of helping to finance and/or support the extended family is hardly unique to the Philippines; it's like that for us expats in most developing nations.

First of all we seem to be culturally different in the sense that we don't place the same value on extended family as they seem to do in most developing nations. Then too we are, for the most part, seen to be much more affluent regardless of what our 'real' financial situation is.

For example, here in Brazil we 'gringos' are all seen to be rich. That's a popular belief instilled in the entire population and it's really hard to overcome. Even I, a 66 year old, semi-retired teacher, am seen by others as rich. I'm far from that.

In poorer nations it is more likely than not that loans between family members are going to be treated more like gifts right from the get go. If you can't afford a loan not to be repaid then you should make that abundantly clear at the outset and insist that the transaction be done by means of a legally binding promissory note. That's the only way to establish in the mind of the family member involved that there is an OBLIGATION to repay.

Lastly, you are probably going to help out as much as possible most of the time anyway. You are not, however, obligated to explain why you refuse from-time-to-time. Simply say, "No I'm sorry, I just can't afford it." Then leave it at that.

I agree strongly with laying down the boundaries and guidelines at the beginning of the relationship, especially for those who haven't got money to burn or you're just asking for trouble.

Don't forget that YOU ARE A PART OF THE FAMILY TOO. So if you need financial help from them at any point you shouldn't hesitate to ask for it if you've helped them out. If they don't come through in a pinch or if they don't repay what has been clearly a loan then you're off the hook forever. You just say something like, "Well isn't it strange that I'm looked at as the bank for the entire family, but when I need money I don't seem to even be a part of the family." Then you flat out say NO, NO MONEY, NO LOAN AND DEFINITELY NO GIFT, NO WAY!!!

Cheers,
James
expat.com Experts Team

FilAmericanMom wrote:

Third moral of the story: FIND A PARTNER WHO COULD SAY "NO" TO ABUSES.

From the beginning, your partner should be able to say "No" to the abuses. If the relatives want to ask for money, it should be the Filipina partner they should talk to. The foreigner should not meet face-to-face with relatives asking for money. The partner might eventually ask the foreigner for that extra money. It is the foreigner's role is to learn to say "No" to his partner. One of the best ways to avoid arguments and confrontations with a relative: from the beginning, live far away from them.

That's the situation that my fiance is in, but the family are making it really hard for her. They wont believe that she has fallen for someone who has very little income, and is only interested in himself and his partner (ie: her)

The end result is she has to avoid talking to her family (to avoid the guilt feeling they lay on her), or leave me.  They tell her to leave me and find someone richer, like her last boyfriend. But she wants someone she is happy with, not someone for money.  She doesn't want a miserable relationship just to give money to her family.

But it causes her to cry in her sleep.

My problem is starting before I even arrive!
I found a "good" girl who refuses or can't grow up!After a very bad marriage to a local guy who left her when she was pregnant..she is some what trapped taking care of her father with one of her brothers.I realise the family obligation but this 37 year old was literally sneaking around scared her father and family would find out about us.(online only so far) I told her to let them know about us that it would be harder later for them to accept me and question why she was hiding me.Well sure enough after 2 months the family found out about her and I and now they monitor her phone calls,and has told her I am lying to her about my feelings!One of her sisters has told me what Ann (not her real name) needs the most is "help with finances" I was shocked! I told her that all Ann had asked for was my support and to promise to not abandon her and treat her bad like her ex did.No response from sister when I said this.Oh, did  I say that one of her brothers disabled Ann's FB page so we cant share hardly anything..pics ,chats etc.I really dont understand.The one sister insists I have to "prove" my intentions.hmmm Sounds like the movie "Meet the Parents" Where is Ben Stiller? Whats a guy to do? Just give up on this one? Actually my situation is very much like that of a previous post.She is made to feel guilty and have no choice but to refuse my calls.I know she wants to be together but I do not know how to help other than show up at her place or her church(where she works) and see what happens,It is very tough because we have been cut off from communicating thru FB or cellphone.The brief time I got to talk to her the other night her 8 yr old son answered her cell and gave the phone to her.If I said that I would "be there for her" she responded by saying "you lie,you lie?(as in a question" I told her no, im not lying... you know how I feel.So I know the family has been talking to her and its obvious it's changing her feelings toward me and my sincerity.Her sister a couple days before told me "that Ann should decide." Its obvious the influence there.I'm left hurt and wondering what to do?

first of all
-my wife was 40 and i was 54 wen we married
the family members that she was living whit were well of and she had a job
-first 3 yrs we lived on 1000 euro a month so we down payed the trike we both and did not splash out to be rich.

did we sometimes help poor family members?  yes we did ,but,all rerquests went tru my wife and at times she refused even to ask me (she did tel me hahaha)
and this 'sistem' is still working .
only yesterday wile watching the tv series "desperate housewifes" we agreed on what a good life we have and how luky we are to have found eachother.
we both took our time looking around for a partner and we both were about to quit lol but as soon as we met online it was clear to us both that this was itt,and it wassss.
for those who are still looking ,THINK!!!!!! not whit your little ego but whit your brain!toys get boring after a wile (even sex dolls) a soulmate becomes a part of you.

just my way ,can be wrong but i dont think so

greets Dirk

ps do not think you will find a good partner in a bar ,ya can take the girl out of the bar but not the bar out of the girl.beleeve me we witnessed this

greets Dirk

Yes most expats end up with some financial support to the family and a value of what you can afford should be spoken. If your partner worked before you met her then its straight forward to pay what she earned to her family. 5000 pesos would not be a great deal to consider every month and state that that,s all they get. Tip for other expats is not to disclose your financial background. If this suggestion is not accepted then I'm afraid u must look else ware because there are thousands of nice ladies looking for a foreign partner.

Just my 2 cents:

Stardust1958 wrote:

My problem is starting before I even arrive! . . .
Sounds like the movie "Meet the Parents" Where is Ben Stiller?

If you do not walk away from this "relationship", your life will sound more like a Get Out horror movie. So, leave before you get trapped in a void and lose your sanity.

Stardust1958 wrote:

Whats a guy to do? Just give up on this one?

Yes. Instead of pursuing her, pursue instead your volcanology hobby in one of Asia's Ring of Fire. It's a lot less risky. I think you will have a better chance of survival swimming out of lahar than running away from a psychological guilt trip from her family.

Stardust1958 wrote:

I do not know how to help other than show up at her place or her church(where she works) and see what happens

Do you remember that scene in Kill Bill Vol. 2, where Bea stealthily enters Budd's trailer? She didn't expect that Budd was prepared. And then she get's shot at the door and later buried alive. Picture that scene.

So . . . you want to show up "unannounced"? Your girlfriend is controlled by her family. She will tell. The whole barangay will know you will be there. They will be prepared.

If in case you end up still breathing from that encounter, do you think your gf Ann will just follow you when you show up, and she would ride into the sunset with you and leave things behind? No, she won't.

Thanks for all the sound advise.Everyone I talk to says same thing...RUN, don't walk away from this one!If anything Ann is just toying with me for her own pleasure....cause it turns out some of the children DO have money...one(a niece) is even a semi famous model.Nice cars..nice house.And there is poor Ann washing clothes in a tub...and struggling with her English and having to work 14hr days at her church as a custodian(she only mentions  her CR duties...of course)Cooking meals on a single burner stove (with lp gas tank exposed)Me thinks she watched Cinderella too many times LOL. It also seems strange that she lied about when her ex "abandoned" her...and i caught her in a huge lie.its no wonder now she never answers her cellphone or her sister does not contact me any more...I called them out.oh did I say she is Catholic..of course.Now how many stereotype male fantasies is that I count at least 3.LOL  BTW,I was not seriously going to come into church unannounced.I would arrange to have a fake wedding and watch the look on Ann's face LOL...no Im not that mean..but it would be funny for a viral video."Girls jaw drops on the church floor" Take care and thanks again!   Chris

There are plenty of childless females in the Philippines who would make wonderful wives.  Best to start fresh, there will be some baggage with most anyone, but catching someone in big lies before you meet in person should always be a game changer.  Good luck

There are nice beautiful women here. Walk away from greedy ones. Dont support kids or their families. It is their own faults that the parents suffer. They should have worked hard and saved. Same for other family members. You are responsible for you, your wife and whatever kids you produce. Explain that their laziness does not constitute sn emergency on your part. If she walks away, it is not like you cant find someone better.